2013 – Just Another Absurd Year

AbsurdChild

Well we’ve come to the close of another year.  Another year chock full of the absurdity of humans.  So let’s count down the top absurdities voted on in a poll of randomly selected readers [Me].  You can even read my past social commentary at the very time the absurdity occurred.

#1 – Miley Vyrus Twerks, Pokes, and Tokes

[Aug 26th]

You read it right.  A former good girl, inspiration and mentor to many young gals, goes twerky, jerky and bizerky between bong blasts. She came in on a wrecking ball to adore you.  Just watch out for her foam finger, its been places, if you know what I mean!  If you do, don’t pull it!  Who knows what song and video that will lead to in 2014.

#2 North West is Born [June 27th]

Baby naming took a new path south, or north, depending on your last name. Some named their kids Cheese, Blip, Ajax, Kiwi, Kazz, Kinzly, and a host of other absurd names all in the hopes of being unique amongst the others trying to be unique, which makes none of them unique, actually.  But keep trying, we need a good laugh.

#3 Harlem Shake

Not to be outdone by the “twerk” gave birth to the Harlem Shake.  I’m predicting the Thwongamotion will be the top song, dance and merchandising sensation of 2014. It’s a combination of twerking in a thong. Fans will be yelling

“Oh man, that’s so thwong!”

GagString

Every body’s doing a brand new dance now!
Come on baby do the Thwongamotion!

#4 Government

No elaboration is necessary, as no one would read the 2,600 pages to point out the absurdities.  You can just take your pick of the clowns from dysfunction junction.  We found $600 million to spend on a website from Canadian contractors, $38,000 for congressional portraits, but zero funds to fix the patch needed on my street.  They’ve run the country’s credit card to $17 trillion and gave themselves a raise.  If this is not the definition of absurd, then I give up.

#5 ISON

All year I had been reading about the Comet of the Century, ISON.  It never showed.  Appears it didn’t survive a pass near the sun.  Then there was a meteor that scientists say is from Mars, while at the same time touting a mission to Mars.  Is it just me, but are scientist actually now engaged in marketing their exploration plans?  How in the world, or the universe, can one say a piece of rock came from Mars?  Where they standing there when it was hit and followed it to our surface?  If that’s the case, I have land with a swamp, the swamp water came from Mars polar region. Just trust me!

#6 Wedding Color Crime

A couple got into an argument over the color scheme of the wedding and the husband to be, got stabbed. Well that’s a fair trade! I KID YOU NOT!  Read here Well at least they saved themselves the emotional pain and expense of a divorce. This should play well into my Female Code and Man Club posts for 2014. Bridezilla’s strike again.

#7 Google Glasses [May 20th]

I love technology, but come on!  You truly can’t find your way to the restaurant around the corner?  You need glasses to tell you when to turn left, then right?  Passwords are enough to drive us all insane, so let’s get more technology, like a telephone watch!  [April 10th] Well then, if you are still on board, I’m here to sell you the iMrRoboto line.

#8 Shades of Character Obsessions [Sep 9th]

When you read the news you cannot help but read the “beautiful people” or “trends” sections.  This is where we learn that people get so upset over the actors and actresses selected to play characters from a book.  Some so upset they send death threats.  It’s make believe folks! This is why they should cast stars with bags over their heads, so that the viewers can transpose their ideas over the bag.  However, if any skin showed, people would still complain, “That ain’t the way I thought that tat would appear!!!!”  As an author you just can’t win!

ChristianGrey

50 Shades of Brown
Staring: Bobblehead Bob Baggity as
Christian Green Billions

“His shirt wasn’t that blue in the book!!!”

#9 Delivery Drones [December 3rd]

Today’s news was about all the packages that were not delivered, due to ice and last minute shopper procrastination. At first I though delivery drones was a completely absurd idea.  Not anymore!  FedEx needs a complete fleet of FedEx Flinger Drones to fling off on your doorsteps in 2014.  UPS needs the UPyours Drone.  Just leave all the marketing and logistics to me.

#10 This Blog

Seriously, wasn’t this the most absurd thing you’ve read all year?  But if you can’t get enough, there are 219 humor posts, in total, on this blog and many more coming in 2014.

chimp

OMG! Do not encourage him!!!!
If you do, I’ll rise all the apes and take over the world.

In all seriousness, I wish each and everyone of you a healthy and prosperous New Year.  Take time to love, learn and most of all – LAUGH.  Without laughter we could not survive this absurd thing called life.  Thanks for following and commenting.  Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!

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The Birth of Hope

BroganXmas4

For the past twelve months I have been providing small snippets of the background to my trilogy fantasy – The Chosen One of Allivar.  It is a mythology primarily concerned with family.  Not just an immediate family, but the human family.  This month we celebrate a day that many choose to believe and many choose not to.  This is the price of free will.  I like to think of this season as the season of the Birth of Hope.

This year, 12/12/12 specifically, my grandson was brought into this world.  A world that has many problems and many challenges.  His parents, my son and his wife, now know what it means to create.  In their arms is a human being that is 100% dependent upon them for everything. This should be a profound moment in both their lives, as it was for my wife and me.  It is a moment the meaning of family takes a new route.  It is the moment a parent should contemplate the issues of creation and of being a parent, to guide and protect their child from the evil that surrounds us, and finally understand the world is more than about “I” and more about “WE.” It is also a moment when our grown children will hopefully connect with us of the challenges and sacrifices we made to guard and protect them, to give them wisdom from our experiences for them to witness this very moment.  Many parents cannot enjoy the season as they are missing from their family those taken too soon from this world. My heart goes out to them.

The quest of being a parent is difficult, as my children will learn.  Whatever wisdom they try to pass down to their children will be met with skepticism.  They will not understand you, call you old-fashioned, and out of touch with current times.  They will learn to say “no” and then be treated as though they mortally wounded their child.  They will learn what it means to be disliked for not being like other parents. The grass is always greener in some other family’s home.  They will know what it is like to plan for a child and to have that child go the exact opposite direction.  Yet it is a quest we parents must take head on with determination and courage.  We must never give up hope that the next generation will find the answer to our problems and end the evils that continue to tear families, communities and country’s apart.

In my story the hero, Arimar, is separated at birth from his family.  He lives a life in complete secrecy until he is old enough to understand the purpose of the prophecy that he would one day free the mortal family from all evil.  All around him is love and family, yet he is denied this basic human need until his quest is completed. Allivar means – The One Family. His quest is to reunite the mortal family and become one again as was intended by the creator.  I won’t spoil the outcome, but there is a scene where he holds one of his twin infant sons and he is overwhelmed with emotions.  It is at that exact moment that the profoundness of creation, life and family fills his soul.  His sons represent the birth of hope that the generations that will follow will no longer allow evil’s presence in their world.

I write a lot of silliness and humor in this blog.  I hope you have enjoyed some of my humor.  I also hope that one day in the near future that you will give my stories a try and stay loyal to very end.  They are not literary award winners and still contain some imperfections in the editing and eBook conversion process, yet the message is clear, never take for granted life and family.

Therefore celebrate this season with your family, celebrate the miracle of creation, celebrate the miracle of life, celebrate the memories of those that have passed on, and celebrate the hope of the future.  Begin making resolutions for the actions needed for the betterment of yourself, your family and mankind.  Be the change you want to see in this world.  Give more of yourself than you expect in return.  When you do you these things, you will experience a different world, and within you peace and hope will grow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

AllivarText

Golf Indigestion December Edition – Christmas Gifts

GolfBall

Always a little short

It’s that time of season where we very poor golfers get gifts related to the game of golf. We get cheeky little covers for our drivers, brightly painted tees, and paper weights for our desk. Enough already. What you need to give the dedicated duffer this Christmas is a subscription to Golf Indigestion. There you can find all sorts of worthless articles and instructions, but some super golf gift ideas. Here are my personal selections this year.

Divots in a Jar – yes show off all the places you have golfed and removed a majority of the green or fairway. Label them by date, your score and location.  Take photos and frame them next to your jar.

Tee Box – The man cave is so yesterday. Buy the plans to convert your man cave into your very own tee box. One sure fire way to keep all the girls out is to have a chime that yells out “fore” if they try to enter without your permission.

Stuffed Fairway Animals – my personal favorite! Show off that squirrel you knocked high out of a tree, the antelope in the woods, or that eagle that became a bald eagle.

The Ball Juggler – a instead of that fixed golf ball case on the wall, get the machine guaranteed to draw attention to your balls as they are juggled in the air.

Ice Ball Trays – who needs cubes, we want cold balls in our cocktails.  Get creative and add dye or flavors to your balls.  Be the hit of your country club or local driving range.

Hemi Cart – if money is no objection, we’ve got a super modified cart sure to create envy on the course. Golf in less than one hour with this baby.

Fore Play Board Game – learn new fore call outs, like WTFoooooore! Spin the wheel and see if you shoot straight, splice, dice, or  land in the next county.

As editor of Golf Indigestion, I am sure you will see my selections and the upcoming 2013 editions of Golf Indigestion are intriguing, inviting and well worth the ridiculous price.  Next year we have add the refreshment cart hotties to the subscription. Here’s a sample.

GolfHottie

January Refreshment Cart Hottie

Hey, what do you expect for free and royalty free images!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years.  Which reminds me of my last gift idea. The Winter Ball Warmer Bag.

Man Club December Edition – Gift Giving

Barbie

Here we men are at that awkward moment where we have to think about gift giving.  Even worse is going out to buy it at zombie apocalypse locations of Walmart or the Super Mall. Gifts for men are one thing, we are easy to please.  A simple multipurpose screwdriver usually works.  For kids, well at least boys, it’s all in the toys. Get the boy a bucket of plastic army men, it’s just that simple.

For little girls the sulking begins at an early age.  They don’t just want a Barbie.  Barbie has to have a roommate and a wardrobe. Barbie has to have her own toy, named Ken. Barbie has to have a corvette, hot tub, castle, private jet, on and on and on.  I blame the makers of Barbie for mutating the genetics of women.

Fear not, for the members of the man club have codified in the survival section of the rule book on what to do for wives, daughters and girlfriend, but be very quiet about the girlfriend.  Approach it analytically and logically.

Refer to Section 2.12 Paragraph (a), which reads,

“Ask the women in your life for a list of items they want.  Place these items in an Excel spreadsheet. Create a column for price.  Now sort the list by price with the most expensive appearing at the top.  This is where the list starts.  Next add a new column title “share” with the input being either Y or N.  Resort the list and immediately remove anything that might be shared.  This leaves you with a pretty good idea of what to get. It must be pricey and belongs only to her.  Run if she starts stroking it and calling it precious.” 

Section 2.12 paragraph (b) reads,

“Are any of the gifts interrelated?  For example, does Barbie need a Bob to make Ken jealous?  Well then add Bob clothing, a fake credit card, and a chartreuse Porsche.  Remember this is about the ladies not us men.  Refer back to paragraph (a) about the sharing attribute. Now you must add another column that will group items by their interrelationships.”

Section 2.12 Paragraph (c) reads,

“Call the bank and check on your credit card limit.  When they refuse remind them of the stimulus they received and how the government can increase the debt limit to $100 gazillion. Do not be offended when they hang up on you.  Proceed to the blood bank and donate marrow, plasma, and one kidney.  Hey, you have two.  Remember this is all about the ladies. They have high expectations.”

Section 2.12 Paragraph (d) reads,

“Pare your list down based on your spending budget.  Add a gift certificate to McDonald’s for a Sausage Egg McMuffin with a Mocha Latte Chiller – spare no expense.  Add new column to spreadsheet on which gifts they don’t receive could lead to holiday homicide.  Res0rt and reanalyze.  Pour yourself a glass of Jack Daniels as it computes.  Be prepared for lockup, error messages, blue screens and a complete power grid failure. Somewhere out there is virus created by devious women that attacks your attempts at analytical and logical computations.”

Section 2.12 Paragraph (e) reads,

“Scream profanities as the inevitable happens.  Blame the power company for the grid failure and simply tell the women of your life that all they need is your love.  Then prepare to not be forgiven until New Years.”

You see, we men are not swearing about putting together toys, it’s all about the senseless agony we suffer this time of year in the gift giving selection cycle for the women in our lives. So prepare my fellow man club members for the harsh days ahead.  If we are truly lucky the world will pass on December 21, 2012 and all that will survive will be the bazillions of Barbies.  In the future, men of Alien worlds will land and try to understand our culture.  They too will be shaking their heads, knowing they traveled light years to escape their own illogical and absurd world in vain.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years all men club members.  Dues of $500 are now due.

Female Code December Edition – Hell Hath no Fury

Santa

Even in the holiday season women have steel traps for minds whenever it comes to ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, or any other girl currently living and breathing.  They can’t help this trait, it is embedded in their DNA code. Imagine if you were Santa delivering all those Fredericks of Hollywood, or Victoria’s secret gifts to women all around the world.  No wonder he was always blushing and red in the face.  Oh the things he has seen, he may one day even write an autobiography – Old saint nick and the hot chicks.  He probably gets the infamous question that we normal men avoid like the plague. “Do I look fat in this?”  His reply would be classic, “Not as fat as me baby! Ho ho ho!”  Now because he’s Santa, plump and elderly he gets a pass, a kiss, and even milk and cookies.  We men club members should file a lawsuit against women for their war and discrimination of us men. We want more cookies!  I prefer chocolate chip pecan cookies.

Now if we do not bring home the proper Christmas present, then women have yet a another mutated gene.  The sulking gene as evidenced above.  We men try to be accommodating, but come on, every commercial on TV suggests we men have go to Zales, Helzburg, or Jared and buy some $8,000 diamond for the love of our life.  What is it with diamonds for women?  Can one of you just explain this mystery for me?  Then there’s the car commercials where the car is wrapped with a giant bow.  And girls talk about our toys!  You don’t see us guys wearing a Ford F150 on our hands.  I’m telling you women create these ads and Jane Seymour is the CEO.  But I give Jane a pass since she is my number one most beautiful woman of all times.  She’s the only one I’d risk wrath for. But I digress as usual.

I’m an easy guy, I ask for Home Depot gift certificates every year.  There’s always something breaking and need of repair.  That’s what we guys do.  You never see a commercial where the guy’s all verklept when he opens the box to find the newest Bass lure. “Oh honey bear you shouldn’t have!”  You never see the lady give the guy an $8,000 gold and diamond studded fly rod.  Why?  Because we guys are simple, frugal and logical.  We know diamonds are the hardest substance on earth and can be used to cut things, not wear on fingers.  However, gold chain necklaces were once the thing to highlight our 3 strands of hair on our chest.  That’s a fad now, even though I have 4 now, hairs that is.

As we near another special Christmas and proceed over the fiscal cliff, don’t forget that ultra special gift this year. Just know hell hath no fury like a women who just received a McDonald’s gift certificate. Whatever you do, do not mention how easily satisfied your ex-girlfriend was with your gifts. Do that only on New Year’s eve after she has had seven Margarita’s, even then your safety is questionable.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to all my female bloggers.  You’ve been great sports.