Gandalf says, “This Cannot Be Filmed!”

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J.R.R. Tolkien once said his works could not be made into a film.  Of course the technology at the time was not sufficient for the grandeur of his imagination.  The movie trilogy is said by some to have stripped the deeper meanings of his stories to appeal to the 15-25 year old masses.  Even in the upcoming second Hobbit movie, there is a female elf added to the plot, to appeal to the female masses. Here is something else people didn’t know about Tolkien from a letter he wrote:

Tolkien included neither any explicit religion nor cult in his work. Rather the themes, moral philosophy, and cosmology of the Lord of the Rings reflect his Catholic worldview. In one of his letters Tolkien states, “The Lord of the Rings is of course a fundamentally religious and Catholic work; unconsciously so at first, but consciously in the revision. That is why I have not put in, or have cut out, practically all references to anything like ‘religion’, to cults or practices, in the imaginary world. For the religious element is absorbed into the story and the symbolism.”

This brings me to my epic high fantasy mythology.  My story could never be made into a film for the following reasons:

  1. It is too epic.  Consider part of the source for my final battle, the Bible.  That’s right, you are now automatically turned off, right?  We live in a era were any reference to religion is an automatic turn off.  Yet, the Bible has at its end the most epic battles ever written.  I incorporated this imagery into the siege of Masara, where one hundred and fifty thousand men, women and children of seven races unite to combat the gathering of all evil, some four hundred million.  Their task; to hold ground for forty days and nights, to make a stand for all that is worthy of life.  I will not tell you how it ends, other than it is a crescendo of emotions and visual imagination over load, as the mythical creator and his forces of good make their appearance. Such a film would be expensive.
  2. It involves deep hatred.  In order for us to recognize evil, we must recognize the most vile and hateful acts of humanity.  This includes torture, and the death of women and children. My stories are not graphic, just implied. We live in an era where sheltering ourselves from evil is to act as though it has or never will exist. Yet when evil does rear its head we question everyone, but ourselves, for allowing evil to enter our world.
  3. Beloved characters die.  To write a deeply emotional story, one must sacrifice even the most beloved characters.  Allowing ourselves to experience deep loss is shunned upon in modern society.  I recall reading how people had to have counseling after watching Avatar.  If Avatar so deeply affected your emotions of what is good and evil, then my story might also affect you.  Many viewers stopped watching the Game of Thrones because of the red wedding scene.  It was too horrific and many felt what was the point if the characters of good do not live and justice isn’t served.
  4. It is spiritual.  Whether you are a Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu or other; the story confronts our most often asked questions.  Who are we, what is our purpose, and does God (a creator or supreme being) truly exist?  Why are we allowed to suffer pain?  Is faith strong enough to survive life and are we altruistic enough to give our life to save others?  What is the purpose of an afterlife? Those who have been raised studying the Abrahamic religions will find areas of the story to connect with.  But for a Christian, they will discover it is not a christian story.  Christ or a Christ figure is no where to be found.  It involves the concept of complete and total free will, so that the mortal characters have no excuses for rising to the occasion, but my Christian friends do love the story and it does not offend them.
  5. There’s no sex.  Sorry, there are plenty of other stories you can read for that. There are references to the effects of sexual misconduct on society as a whole, but there is not a single reference to the one’s society constantly battles over in our present time.
  6. There’s no cursing. Again, I’m sorry. I wrote these stories to confront deeper issues than the use of boorish words thrown around so easily these days.  I kept them clean so that they can be told to children.

I constructed this mythology with numerous references to beloved stories who have influenced my thoughts.  You will find similarities to stories you already know.  The story encases spirituality and our most primal needs for love, acceptance, family and life.  It is story that attempts to point out the frailty of life on this planet and what we will lose if we do not stand together.

If you love the tales of Tolkien, ask yourself how deeply affected were you when you watched the Ride of the Rohirrim in the Return of the King?  Here’s a reminder of the scene:

I promise you this much.  I constructed this mythology to have the same emotional impact – times three!  But, I am not done with the battle or your emotions, as the ending will surprise you.

Take a chance if you are curious and stay committed to the very end.  Judge me then.  Don’t prejudge a book by its cover or the content of book one’s first nine chapters.  If it is not one of the better stories (conceptually) structured in the last several decades, then don’t take a chance on any of the upcoming chronicles series.

If you are one that is looking for new material for a major motion picture, read the story and tell me if it would not be an awesome one to film and cast.  I’ve now presented six reasons, six challenges, to why you won’t do it.  You can remain safe with comic book reboots and politically correct story lines, or you can take a chance, like those who did with Tolkien’s stories and deliver something a little deeper, yet thoroughly enjoyable for all members of the family, young and old, and for all the races of humanity. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will cheer.

One of my biggest fan’s is a 16 year old female. Her review can be found here on Goodreads.  Now 16 year old readers are not literary giants, they do not spot many grammatical errors, they just read to enjoy a story, but she gave me the ultimate compliment of my life:

“I’m a huge J.R.R. Tolkien fan, but I have to say that this was 100 times better than the Lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, and the Silmarillion combined!”

Now you be the judge.  Is it a story worthy of the big screen?

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Spanx for Men – No Thanks!

HamishSpanx

Dr. Spanxster Rhyme

As usual, my friends on Facebook provide the material for my insanity. One of my female friends drug me into this one with the the following question.  Here it goes:

I have a question for the ladies……. Be honest! Have you ever tried spanx? LOL!
I did once, I couldn’t get in and out of it! What was your experience? Ha Ha.

Then, for some reason, I was pulled into this with this comment:

EW Greenlee, You have got to jump into this one! This stuff is right up your alley!

This caught me by surprise, because I wondered if she knew I was a man.  Was Spanx some form of 50 Shades board and rack game?  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, bend over and receive your Spanx.  I had no idea why I was being dragged into this one, so I researched Spanx and found it was just undergarments. Really, really tight undergarments.   Whew….  So I replied back,

Sorry, I don’t jump into women’s panties. Who do you think I am?!

Then one reader responded “Kilt Spanx”, to which I replied,

Sorry, I go all natural when wearing kilts. I never know when I need to do the Braveheart flash scene. Freeeeedom! Aiyeeee!

If you have ever seen that scene you know what I am talking about.  If not, rent it and see what’s under those kilts – both sides!!

Men in kilts

Well I’ll be Spanxed!!!

Now the instigator of this madness replied one last time,

I know you love to laugh. You’re going to have try this, and then write about it. It would be a hoot! Get Tracey one too, and make it a couple’s event! LOL!

So as you can see my absurd readers are waiting patiently for my brilliant post.

First off, if my wife and I ever decided to go all 50 Shades of Spanx and share panties, I would not share it with anyone. Second, there would be no sex tape, unless I have $1 billion in pre-orders (hey, scruples can be bought!)  Just for fun I thought I share some of their comments, since I was asked to jump in.

Sure been thinking about getting some! Anything that might hid the reality!

I finally got it on and then….thought I would never get it off and I might die.

Do they come in extra large?

I never squirmed and twisted so much in my life! It was awful

I felt like a fish flopping out of water!

I thought I should call an EMT! Hey, I am serious…..I was scared….

Same here I lost my courage, I wouldn’t even try a larger size! It was awful!

I bought one of those deals for my daughter’s wedding.. sweated like a pig.. She got married in June. I thought I was gonna die.

I sweated like a pig, because I was struggling so hard to get it off!!!!

I found the Power Panty far too tight (First male response – the Wuss Wuss train is now boarding)

They make these for men too! You’re a curious soul…. (Referring to yours truly)

No, I am not THAT curious.  But I do love to laugh.  I can only imagine a bunch of menopausal women squirming and sweating like a bunch of pigs as a good night of fun – NOT!  Is this what really happens at Bunko?

You ladies and Mr. Wuss Wuss, should have known any product named SPANX is going to hurt.  If I decide I want to become a soprano opera wuss wuus, I’ll give Spanx a try.  Geez Mon!

chimp

No, no…. Don’t say it!
Spanx the Monkey!
You just had too, didn’t you!

And there you have it!  My contribution to the product known as Spanx, to which Famous Hamish (my alter ego) says NO THANKS!  I have a wife, isn’t that torture enough!

LEGAL DISCLOSURE – to those who love Spanx and make their livelihood from Spanx, just understand this is absurd humor and I hope you like to laugh.  If you decide to sue me, will you settle for 50% of my sex tape preorders?

Female Code – October 2013 Edition (Doing the Dishes)

Football Season - Again???

You call THAT doing the dishes?!

I interjected my thoughts to one of my friends on Facebook,  whose post described an event 13 years ago about his lack of understanding what a woman’s definition of “doing the dishes!” is, is.  He was then besieged by his wife and mother-in-law.  I came to his rescue, well, sort of.  Let me set the stage, 35 years ago I was a dishwasher in an airport restaurant.  I had my area, which had to remain spotless, even though 90% of it had nothing to do with dishes. So why didn’t I get the title of V.P. of Washing Area? I want the recognition for my resume. I digress as usual.

I know what cleaning the dishes truly means and my wife is happy that I do.  Besides doing the dishes gets me out of housework, which is still being defined after 33 years of blissful marital siege.  My friend’s wife is a family counselor, so he goes to her for counseling on the meanings of female code and communications.  For example, take out the trash means check every garbage can in the house, not just the one that is full, and subject of the main reference.  Now this isn’t very objective.  You can’t go to your wife for therapy sessions, you’d be doubly dazed and confused.

I offered to support him, until his wife frowned, then I’d run for the hills.  He thanked me for my lack of support.  I merely explained to him that women are like the Tasmanian Devil, in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.  Creatures that spin around with razor sharp talons in a debris filled tornado, complete with unrecognizable speech and gratuitous spitting.  See here for yourself, actual video footage of a wife critiquing her husband’s washing of the dishes,

Bang on, isn’t it?!

He then said he would join me in running for the hills.  I reminded him that the true origin of the Marathon was not of a messenger, but of a husband who just couldn’t get his wife’s “doing the dishes wishes” correctly.  The nearest hills were 27 miles away and thus the Marathon race was created, follow by thousands of years and millions of husbands joining to create the Olympic event and other city events.  Then the wives, ever doubting our claims, decided to tag along and nag us (marital support)  on to the finish line.

After 67 comments by various people, his wife tried to convince us we all needed therapy. Her code of therapy and her mother would assist as co-counselor and code enforcer.  I think it was a scam to increase business.  But to help my friend, here is the advice of a true man with dish washing expertise.

50ShadesOfSoapSuds

That will be $300 – thank you.

Oh and here is the female code definition of “Doing the Dishes”:

Clear off the table first.  Any crumbs that hit the ground you must sweep, then mop.  Take linen place mats and napkins to cleaners.  Scrub the dishes first so that the machine is used solely for disinfection.  Do not eat any leftovers on the plates, ewwww.  Wipe off the counter tops, sweep and mop the floor. Disinfect twice to kill all germs and light scented candles.  Bring her a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a cappuccino.

One day before I die, I’m going to tell my wife to mow the yard.  Wait till she finds out what I really do.  So guys and gals, what have I missed?  Sound off.

Meet Kyra Dune: Web of Light

Web of Light

From time to time I spotlight a fellow indie author.  Why?  Have I read the book and endorse it?  No, spotlighting an indie author is the most cost effective way indie authors have to advertise their stories.  If you follow me at all you will know I am a good spirited person who believes that a simple act of kindness is what will make for a better world.  Besides, Kyra writes about dragons and that can’t be bad.  If you are looking for something new and independent, give her works a try.  Who knows, you may find a new favorite author, and if you do, please pay forward the kind act with a rating or a review.

NEW RELEASE: Web of Light by Kyra Dune
Genre: YA Fantasy
Purchase Link
Book Trailer

When Queen Eanndra calls the leaders of the Territories and their heirs to Star Mountain for a Conclave, none of them expect to have their lives changed forever by the repercussions of a war that ended three hundred years ago.

With the return of the Web of Light, chaos and destruction must surely follow.

Sides will be chosen.
Friendships won and lost.

For within every heart lies the dark seed of betrayal.

Excerpt:

His mother had always warned him to beware of the gods. They were a capricious lot, she had said, with little care for the frailty of mortal life. And if one was calling Seva into the temple, then her life was at risk.
Valdor didn’t hesitate, didn’t take even a moment to think on what might happen, he simply ran. What he hit was not a solid wall, but a sort of thickness. For him, passing the statue was like walking through water with weighted feet. The air pressed against him, trapping the breath in his lungs. And it was cold. So cold what little breath he could manage frosted before his eyes.
He broke free to the other side as Seva entered the temple. After glancing back once at the other heirs, Valdor sprinted across the open space and up the steps to the door. There, he paused. Before him was a wide chamber, almost every inch of which was covered with a mosaic depicting a bloody battle between figures unlike any creatures he had ever seen. It hurt his mind to gaze too long upon any one of them.

Instead, he focused his attention on Seva, who was standing in the only clear spot in the chamber. A twisted rope painted on the floor made a circle around this spot and above it a Gari-Za woman in flowing gray robes sat on a throne of flames. A benevolent smile touched the woman’s lips, but her eyes were cold black orbs.

Seva’s head was tilted back as if she were looking up at the woman, but her eyes were closed. Valdor moved cautiously forward, wincing as his footsteps echoed in the silence. His lips parted and he started to speak her name, but the word wouldn’t come. The feeling in this place was something so foreign to his senses he couldn’t name it. It crawled across his skin and made his ears buzz.

He came to a stop when he reached the rope circle. Fear was an acid taste at the back of his throat. Much as he wanted to reach out for Seva, there was a deep feeling of alarm inside him that would not allow his feet to move forward.
If things had gone on much longer, he might have worked up the nerve to do it, because he was not really as much of a coward as his father had made him believe he was. But he didn’t have to.

Seva’s entire body bucked, her back arching and her neck snapping back. She drew in a gasping breath, then collapsed. Valdor caught her before she hit the floor as her upper body crossed the line to his side. She shivered as if cold, then grew still. Valdor pulled her the rest of the way out of the circle, then lifted her up into his arms. She was light, but he was unused to such labor and staggered under her weight. Still, he managed to carry her out of the temple.
Once they were down the steps and crossing the open space, Seva stirred and her eyelids fluttered open. Valdor gazed down into her bright blue eyes and was lost. Any uncertainty about his feelings toward her evaporated in that moment.

“If I put you down, can you walk?” he asked.

“I…I think so. Yes.” She looked over his shoulder toward the temple. “What happened in there?”

“Don’t you know?” He carefully put her back on her feet

Her eyes met his again as she shook her head. “I remember looking up at the statue and hearing Iza talk about the chosen one. Then everything is a blank. Except…” She laid a steadying hand against his arm. “I don’t know. I feel…something, but it’s…” She sighed. “I’m so tired all of a sudden.”

“Come on.” He slid his arm around her waist. “Let’s get you back to the carriage.”

Author Bio:

Author Pic

Kyra Dune was born in Oklahoma, but spent most of her life travelling with her family. She is the author of eleven fantasy novels, including: Shadow of the Dragon, Elfblood, and Firebrand. As a child, her favorite stories were those that told of ordinary children being whisked away to magical lands. She has yet to find her own secret wardrobe or rabbit hole, but she hasn’t given up the search. You never know what might be waiting over the next rainbow.

Connect With Kyra:

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Watch My Book Trailers: YouTube
Buy My Books: Amazon

Context & Construct

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I visited with my sister this weekend and we spoke about my trilogy.  She has a masters degree in creative writing.  She has tried to read my trilogy but states all the other authors and editors do not write the way I write.  That you must hook people quickly into your story.  I understand completely her viewpoint, this is what the majority opinion is.  But I have to ask a simple question.  How creative is this? If we all march to beat of the same drums, aren’t we just robots catering to the machine?  Do you ever feel like you are reading the same story over and over again, with just a few new character names and locales?  Don’t you know what sex is by now?  How many ways can you spin eroticism and vampires?  I’m not knocking these authors or readers, but don’t you want a change of pace?

I am a CPA.  I am analytical, linear and logical.  I have done computer programming which must be controlled by logic with “”If this, then this, else this” type construct.  I literally despise stories without context and logical construction.  I have heard people say,

“I want a quick and fun read.  I do not wish to think.”

If this is true then my stories will not appeal to you.  If you like books like the The Shack or the Life of Pi, then you are seeking a book with a deeper meaning of life and spirituality.  Yes, it has to be entertaining, but don’t you want the ground work established first?  Here is how I constructed my trilogy based on my love for J.R.R. Tolkien’s wonderful and mesmerizing world of Arda and Middle Earth.

Book 1 – Rise of the Fallen, Chapters 1-9 are the history of the universe and Allivar.  Think of the Silmarillion in a compressed form.  A mythology must have an origin narrative. There must be a narrative on the source of evil and the history to create the myths of immortals and heroic mortals. These chapters establish the construction of all that follows and provides subtle clues to the surprising ending of the story.  If you rush through this, you will definitely miss the point of the story.  Sorry, I didn’t spend ten years just to have battle scenes, sex and a pointless battle over a throne.  My story is much deeper than this.

Chapters 10-16 begins the story of the hero in the dawning of the seventh age of Allivar.   Like the Fellowship of the Ring there is the bonding of characters of various races on a journey the Chosen One was selected for, which is to determine if mortals are worthy of life.  If you wish, just jump to Chapter 10 and begin there.  Then maybe one day you will want to go back and have context of the origin of my mythology.

Now this book cannot be more exciting than book two, nor can book two be more exciting than book three.  There must be a crescendo of action and emotions.

Book 2 Bound to Forbidden Lands ratchets the excitement after all the ground work was established in book one.  The Two Towers gave readers the thought that all would be lost, but that the faith in men would rise to counter the acts of evil.   We were left begging for the conclusion with the Return of the King.

Book two introduces romance and the continued rise of evil, an epic coliseum battle, fighting with dark demons and a journey through lands, guarded by dragons and watchers, the hero has been told to avoid.  But he has no other option.  The ending of the story must compel you to read the third story, so it has a cliff hanger unlike any you will ever read. He lives!

Book 3 – Last Stand of the Living is the culmination of the entire mythology with the greatest mythological battle ever to be written, where the fate of the universe will be decided, and where mortal and immortal alike come to battle. Here you will finally understand all that was written in the first nine chapters of book one.  I recall the Return of The King’s influence on the ratcheting of the battle scenes and emotions with the arrival of the Rohirrim and the eventual defeat of Sauron.  Readers who have taken the challenge to read my trilogy are utterly exhausted emotionally in this third story.  For the creator of the universe makes his stand with the seven mortal races.

I can guarantee you this much; you will laugh, you will cry, and you will cheer.  You may even contemplate life as we know it, for it is allegorical to our times.

But I am not done with you yet.  Forthcoming are the Chronicles of Allivar, sixteen stories, equally as intriguing as the trilogy. It introduces a parallel journey of the Armies of Light and the heroes of the six ages.  Here the compressed history is expanded, laying a blueprint for the construct of an equally exciting series.

You see, I have constructed a mythology using a linear approach from origin to the end of time, with proper context so that you don’t end the series wondering what happened to certain characters who dropped out.

You have a choice. Follow the cookie-cutter formulaic stories and construct that the masters and literary gods tell us that must exist, or take a chance on something new, independent, original, and frankly – creative.

My final point is this.  Many people take life way too seriously.  They seek affirmation from others of their worthiness in this lifetime.  They wish to dominate life by determining who is allowed to participate in the private clubs of industry and intellectual institutions.  They control who will be successful and who will not, through regulation, etc.  The publishing industry loves to bully, yes I wrote bully, to tell you another person’s attempt at writing is garbage because they weren’t involved in the editing, distribution and profit-sharing aspects of your creativity.  They belittle every person or story that reaches success independently.  I do not like erotica, but I applaud E.L. James for dispensing, once and for all, that only the publishing Gods know what stories will interest you.

Self-publishing has provided an opportunity for those of us who love to tell stories, even with grammatical errors, to remain independent and reap the potential success of our own risk. This was once referred to as entrepreneurship, not vanity publishing.  Vanity should be described as the envy of others who have not found a way to piggy-back on your imagination.

In the end, it is you the reader who independently defines what stories are good or not.  I am going to keep writing because one day I can tell them to my grandchildren.  Like Tolkien, these are the stories I want to read, but are not being produced by the publishing Gods.  I hope one day you will find my stories appealing enough to tell to your children and others.

To my sister, I have to say this, do not waste another second of your life looking for the accolades and affirmation of others.  Their aim is profit-motivated and honestly, quite vain.  The only one responsible for your happiness is you.  Life is risk and by not taking any risk, for the fear of the opinion of others, including your own family, is not living.  Stephen King said it best in his story, The Shawshank Redemption:

“Get busy living or get busy dying.”

Hawaii Bound Via a 2007 GMC Yukon

HamishHoliday

Today, I started a Facebook post to see if anyone truly reads my posts, including this one.  I’ve been writing humor posts for over two years now and I am beginning to think no one likes my sense of humor.  Well, that’s tough! Because I have to write, even if it kills me like eventually getting to Hawaii.  Let me set the stage.

I posted that after 30 years of saving for Hawaii my wife and I now have enough to afford the cardboard box we said we would live in if we could just get there.  One of my loyal reading friends chimed in immediately:

“Get a duplex cardboard box and I’ll move with you!”

Now cardboard walls are very thin, so I asked if she snored and could afford the $10 per month rent fee.

She said cardboard box rentals should be no more than $1 per month.  It’s all professional beach bums and bimbos could afford. (As an author you have to embellish the story). I stated there was a $9 carrying charge included in the rent.  This covers me carrying the duplex to the next location so we don’t get detected, evicted and deported back to Okalahomala.  She said she’d settle for $5.  I accepted, and told her I would have gone as low as $two-fiddy.  But, I am an accountant, bean counter, shell counter or whatever you wish to call me. Haggling Hamish is my middle name.

Now her mother chimed in and said if she could take her whole family she’d do it in a heartbeat.  I replied that I was moving to get away from family.  She thought that was horrible of me and said she had to be near her family.  So I researched the actual distance from Oklahoma City to Honolulu.  Turns out it is 3,742 miles.  For me, that’s close enough to maintain a healthy family relationship.

Then as I read on, the distance is 4,802 miles by car.  BY CAR?!  I KID YOU NOT.  Look here:

Distance to Hawaii (Internet Site)

What kind of car can make it to Hawaii from Oklahoma?  I have a 2007 GMC Yukon, which I am sure cannot withstand ten thousand foot deep water or millions of pounds of pressure per square inch.  And why 1,100 extra miles?  Is there a construction detour at the Marianna Trench?  But hey, “adventure” is my middle name (Carlos Danger was already taken), so if they have a map, I’m game.  And it only takes 15 days.

To fund my relocation efforts I need to crowd fund my trip.  So I got one friend to invest a dime, then later a quarter he found in the bottom of his kitty litter box (embellished for sensory stimulation).  Great!  Now all I need is just 10,000,000,000,000,000.50 more friends crowding me with a quarter.  You will help right?

Crossing the Pacific in my GMC Yukon brings up a thought for an excellent story, “Life of EW”

“I was stranded in the middle of the pacific on a floating GMC Yukon. In the backseat, I discovered a blood thirsty Golden Retriever and Tammy Francis the stowaway. We sacrificed Tammy to the Golden and gave thanks to Poseidon. After many days adrift, we landed on Maui with nothing more than a duplex cardboard box. Much to my surprise Andy Wilson was already there, half snockered from Mai Tai’s. As I pulled myself from the sands, Andy asked, ‘Where did you come from stranger?’ 

I looked at him incredulously.  “Okalahomala you fool! Can’t ye tell by me furrin accent?  Ye ain’t stoopid are ye?” Then the Golden, who never obeyed and never retrieved a single thing since we rescued her, walked away into the jungle . 

Excerpt from “Life of EW” You’d buy it, right? It’s engrossing and grossly grossing at the same time, overly ripe for a major motion picture by Ang Lee.

Well, that’s all the brilliant humor I can muster for this day, unless someone has the mileage to Mars via a 1942 Studebaker.  But being the brilliant enterprising fellow that I am; I am loading my duplex, my tartan, some fresh haggis and a hammock just in case.  Because my other middle name is “Famous Hamish” and being the hottie scottie of the Hawaiian highlands is my game.  Besides, I can’t wait to tell the stories of me holding my large Humuhumunukunukuapua’a. (It’s a fish folks – a fish!)

Now please reply, or click “like”, so that I know I am not alone on my journey to get to Hawaii and form a cardboard condominium complicated complex community.

Keep Laughing my friends!