Speedy Petey Enterprises

SpeedyPeteyResort

I have always said the inspiration for my humor writing comes from other people.  They supply just enough information and then I run with it.  Case in point, I was at a party when a person over heard we were moving to Hawaii.  This person, who I had never met before said,

“I volunteer to carry your luggage!  I’ve got my speedo and I’m ready to go!!!!” 

He didn’t realize he was talking to an absurd writer.  This conversation took a path to the enterprising ways to make money on Hawaii.  Nothing says Aloha better than a speedy escape from the airport to Speedy Petey’s Speedo World Resort.

SpeedyPeteyLuggage

Once at the resort you will want to speed in your speedo to the beach.  Well you are fast buckaroo, but you can’t outdo old Petey!  He’ll have a beach bum chair awaiting upon arrival.

SpeedyPeteyChairs

For all you ladies, we have a special Luau and Speedo Fashion Revue, Ooh La La…

SpeedyRevue

And after a hard day’s work on the beach come by Petey’s world famous  Teenie Tinnie Tiki Bar and grab hold of Petey’s Sneaky Puckerin Rum Punch.

SpeedyPeteyRum

Now we can’t always guarantee the beach will be empty when you wake up on day two.  But Speedy Petey’s got you covered, with the world’s fastest guaranteed method of clearing the beach for our guests.

Meet the clearing crew, stars of the Speedy Petey’s Cable Network reality show sensation:

Jersey Shore Clearers

SpeedoAgo

From left to right
Alfonzo “Fonzy” Sartuche 

Guido “Wow Wow” De Luca

Dante “The Inferno” Bruno

Leonardo “The Godfather” Leopoldo

Mario “I’m Your Situation” Romano

 

The second these five tanned gods walk on the beach the area is cleared within one minute. Works like a charm every time.  If you see these great guys tuck in a tip, they’d appreciate it kindly.

At Speedy Petey’s Speedo World Resort, we want to feel at home and like one of the family.  Ya’ll come see us, you hear!  Mahalo. Oh, don’t forget to hang loose, we do!

Disclaimer#1 : See what happens you give an author any form of scenario to write about, oh and a copy of Photoshop.  I know my face is darker than my body.  I’m just a little shy and blushing.
Disclaimer #2: If I offended any Italian in this humor post, I sincerely apologize, it was all meant in fun.
Disclaimer #3 – If I offended any Hawaiian in this humor post, I sincerely apologize, it was all meant in fun.
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Knock, knock – Drone Calling!

DominosDrone2

I read the news on a daily basis so that I can immediately find something satirical to write about.  Usually there is something in the news that is reported and then everyone in the bandwagon falls out.  In this case it’s about delivery drones.  I kidded around on Facebook about a pizza delivery colliding with an Amazon book order delivery.  I should have guessed someone was way ahead of me, as the photo above proves.  They are already delivering pizza via drone.

This begs the obvious, do I tip the drone?  Will the drone be playing my favorite music or will its rap tune drown out the neighborhood?  Will it be on time and what discount do I get if not delivered on time?  How many pizza drones will be airborne on Superbowl Sunday?  Will I need to hire an air traffic controller and submit a drone flight plan to the FAA? Can I wear a nifty little pilot’s cap?

PilotHat

Danny “Top Gun” Droneman

What happens if an eagle steals my airborne order?  These are the real world questions that need to be answered.  I can see it now, Christmas 2014 – a squadron of drones delivering my wife’s Amazon orders and crashing into each other.  Or the daytime sun blocked out by the countless horde of drones.  Who programs these drones, an army of geeks behind little cubicles, or is this a way to find jobs for all the unemployed video game addicts?

What about pirate drones?  Where there’s a will to use technology for economic purposes, there is a greater will to steal it with anti-drone technology.  What if a drone goes rogue?  Can I order a anti-drone surface-to-air missile rogue protection system?

PilotMissle

What if the Terminator appears at my door trying to compete?

Terminator2

I can make extra cheesy hot bread sticks on demand!
Pick me! Pick me!
And if you pick me I get a scholarship to Nice, France.

I also noticed iRobot has new commercials out now, “iRobot, do you?”  Will tempers flare between drones, the terminator and iRobot, as well as the complete family of iApples?  I tell you, mark my words, it’s the start of the rise of the machines.

What if I’m not interested in answering the door as I watch The Hobbit for the 150th time? Will the drone take over my television?  “I know you are in there, I see you!”  What if it takes pictures of me, hovering over my pool and Photoshops me to extort me from my last dime?

Someone has to ask these questions!  So, with all this in mind, what questions do you want to know?

Female Code – September 2013 (Sneaky Memes)

WomensTest

You see these all the time, little meme’s that catch our attention.  They are meant to be funny and give us a chuckle, but this one… it’s real!  Notice it’s #2044?  Women have codified their offensive against us men. They are sneaky with these little innuendos.

If my wife did this to me, I’d immediately check the bank and credit card balances.  Then I could respond and respond resoundingly, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she had worn a negligee while saying this, I’d be drooling and too stupefied to know what to say.  Oh no, that’s just dreaming on my part. Instead she wraps up in an Alaskan survival gown, when she asks me these form of questions. There is not a bit of skin visible.  We’ve been married 33 years, she knows how to get and keep my attention.

If I sit down at the dinner table and she says this, I immediately smell the food and give my golden retriever (Ruby) the first bite. If the dog rolls over, howls, and gags then I will know what to say, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she brews a pot of coffee that doesn’t smell like Colombian Supremo and says this, and my Golden starts to run, my reply will be, “Well Ruby certainly noticed! Let me guess, foo-foo coffee, right?”

If she ever mowed the yard, just once in her lifetime, I’d say, “Uh oh, what have you done now?  Yes, I noticed!  Hell has frozen over. Who wouldn’t notice?!”

If she says this, I will immediately look to see if it is a new outfit and reply, “I need to mow the lawn.  Hell hasn’t frozen over yet!”  To which she will look at me, completely befuddled and reply, “Huh?”  Ah, you see, we men are sneaky too.

We’ve been working out now for about 5 months, trying to lose weight and to keep enough muscles in shape to pour and drink wine (a very arduous calorie burning task).  I tell her that I am starting to notice, but the scale isn’t dropping fast enough for her, that’s when she says, “Well I don’t notice ANYTHING different!!!!”  You see, I can’t win, these are impossible odds, because a woman is involved.

They can’t help themselves, it’s part of their genetic mutation; that female code with 16,700,000,000,000,000 mish-mashed strands, all wrangling for equal time.  #2045 I am sure is:

One of the most terrifying things a woman can bring home is, “50 Twilights of Gray Matter Yoga Starter Kit.”

If I don’t post next month, you will notice something different.  I will be rolling over, howling, gagging and begging for mercy.  But you have over 250 former humor post to read.  I think ahead in case you haven’t noticed.

Female Code – August 2013 Edition (Widow Maker)

Football Season - Again???

Football Season – Again???

Okay men, sing with me now:

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Where a quarterback slaps the center on the rear.
And everyone telling you, Be of good cheer!
of course, our bellies full of nachos and beer!
When friends come to call,
and your wife leaves for the mall…

It’s the most wonderful time, it’s the most wonderful time of the… year!!!!!”

It is time ladies for your genes to recognize the moment of truth is here, all your primping and pruning to fit into those bikinis is at an end. The heat of summer gives way to the manly endeavor of football. Football will now occupy a man’s actual brain.  Our genetics dictate we watch football so that we never lose what it means to be a warrior.  You know, that strong guy you married to protect you against mice and spiders.  Yes, that’s us – men!

Sadly, this will confuse your genetics and you will resort to the most bizarre attempts to gain our attention.  Here is one example:

You see what I mean?  Lingerie, Pads, Helmets, Vicious Cat Fighting, Tight Ends, and Football.  How desperate can you get?

Don’t fall for it men. There are times when you have to get your Rhett Butler game on and resist everything a woman throws at you.

“Frankly my dear I don’t give a Hooter’s hot wings sample platter, I’m still watching football all weekend.”

I understand ladies that the season can make you feel like a widow.  You head off to the mall in a rage of revenge, racking up the credit card just to get a little attention.  When you explain what you have done, our only reply is,

“That’s nice honey!  Oh, go man, go, go, go – touchdown! Woo hoo!  Did you see that babe?”

Some men, even fantasize about football.  The first fantasy league was called the GOPPPL (Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League).  I kid you not!  Google, Bing or Yahoodle it!  We are GOPPLing and GOBBLing during the nex four months. We can’t get enough of it.  Football is an obsession and addiction, only curable by genetic interference. No matter how you try to control us, it would take a genetics engineering Phd to change us and a Prometheus alien to hold us down.

So you think we men are crazy don’t you? Well here’s another example for women to try to understand the emotions we men have during football season:

“Justin’s to the twenty, the fifteen, the ten, the five – touchdown! OMG, OMG, OMG what a game!

Now do you understand us?

We real men rely on women’s obsession and addiction to man candy mutants, and books on oversexed vampires and zombies  to cover our backs for the next four months of your widowship (sic). We will be resurrected and arrive from our hibernation in the new year of 2014, just in time for basketball.

You love us, you want to kill us, it’s a conundrum.  But, you can’t help it – it’s in your genes.

Miley’s Twerking and Jerking

chimp

You Homo Sapiens – there you go again.

That’s it – I am officially an OLD FART.

I haven’t watched MTV since “Video Killed the Radio Star.”  This morning I read about Miley Cyrus’ doing a rather non-lady like routine at a “VMA” awards.  It was so raunchy they caught Will Smith and family aghast.  People are talking about it left and right.  Some say she is just all grown up and having fun, while others call her names I will  not repeat.

Honestly, if my daughter was still a child, I would have screamed “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.”  Then I’d jerk that twerking television set and heave it out the window.  Here’s a test, if this is such a grown up and acceptable behavior, have your six-year old do the routine in front of friends and neighbors.  Now you would say that I am being unreasonable, but when our children watch this and see the reaction of adults applauding to it, what message are we sending, “Look sweetie, grown people acting like chimpanzees with pasties!”  Except when they go to the zoo they don’t see the chimpanzees running around in bras, thongs and bustiers.

One time my young daughter tried to get away with buying g-string underwear.  When I found them, I put one on (over my jeans) and danced for her.  I seriously thought the image would gross her out so much she would never consider such a thing again.  What is it with the dental floss?  Wait… I really, really do not want to know.

Now what would really be fun to watch is a female group composed of Madonna, Gaga, Spears and Cyrus – aka, “The G-string Quartet.”  Throw in a few monkey’s on the stage, a few cougars, a rhinocyrus and a slab of raw meat, then you are all set for a night of wholesome family entertainment.

Yet, sadly, we demand more. That’s a good thing, for without human absurdity satire writers would be unemployed and forced to humiliate ourselves with an all male dancing band “GSync.”  Imagine it if you can.  Excuse me while I get sick.