2013 – Just Another Absurd Year

Well we’ve come to the close of another year.  Another year chock full of the absurdity of humans.  So let’s count down the top absurdities voted on in a poll of randomly selected readers [Me].  You can even read my past social commentary at the very time the absurdity occurred.

#1 – Miley Vyrus Twerks, Pokes, and Tokes

[Aug 26th]

You read it right.  A former good girl, inspiration and mentor to many young gals, goes twerky, jerky and bizerky between bong blasts. She came in on a wrecking ball to adore you.  Just watch out for her foam finger, its been places, if you know what I mean!  If you do, don’t pull it!  Who knows what song and video that will lead to in 2014.

#2 North West is Born [June 27th]

Baby naming took a new path south, or north, depending on your last name. Some named their kids Cheese, Blip, Ajax, Kiwi, Kazz, Kinzly, and a host of other absurd names all in the hopes of being unique amongst the others trying to be unique, which makes none of them unique, actually.  But keep trying, we need a good laugh.

#3 Harlem Shake

Not to be outdone by the “twerk” gave birth to the Harlem Shake.  I’m predicting the Thwongamotion will be the top song, dance and merchandising sensation of 2014. It’s a combination of twerking in a thong. Fans will be yelling

“Oh man, that’s so thwong!”

Every body’s doing a brand new dance now!
Come on baby do the Thwongamotion!

#4 Government

No elaboration is necessary, as no one would read the 2,600 pages to point out the absurdities.  You can just take your pick of the clowns from dysfunction junction.  We found $600 million to spend on a website from Canadian contractors, $38,000 for congressional portraits, but zero funds to fix the patch needed on my street.  They’ve run the country’s credit card to $17 trillion and gave themselves a raise.  If this is not the definition of absurd, then I give up.

#5 ISON

All year I had been reading about the Comet of the Century, ISON.  It never showed.  Appears it didn’t survive a pass near the sun.  Then there was a meteor that scientists say is from Mars, while at the same time touting a mission to Mars.  Is it just me, but are scientist actually now engaged in marketing their exploration plans?  How in the world, or the universe, can one say a piece of rock came from Mars?  Where they standing there when it was hit and followed it to our surface?  If that’s the case, I have land with a swamp, the swamp water came from Mars polar region. Just trust me!

#6 Wedding Color Crime

A couple got into an argument over the color scheme of the wedding and the husband to be, got stabbed. Well that’s a fair trade! I KID YOU NOT!  Read here Well at least they saved themselves the emotional pain and expense of a divorce. This should play well into my Female Code and Man Club posts for 2014. Bridezilla’s strike again.

#7 Google Glasses [May 20th]

I love technology, but come on!  You truly can’t find your way to the restaurant around the corner?  You need glasses to tell you when to turn left, then right?  Passwords are enough to drive us all insane, so let’s get more technology, like a telephone watch!  [April 10th] Well then, if you are still on board, I’m here to sell you the iMrRoboto line.

#8 Shades of Character Obsessions [Sep 9th]

When you read the news you cannot help but read the “beautiful people” or “trends” sections.  This is where we learn that people get so upset over the actors and actresses selected to play characters from a book.  Some so upset they send death threats.  It’s make believe folks! This is why they should cast stars with bags over their heads, so that the viewers can transpose their ideas over the bag.  However, if any skin showed, people would still complain, “That ain’t the way I thought that tat would appear!!!!”  As an author you just can’t win!

50 Shades of Brown
Staring: Bobblehead Bob Baggity as
Christian Green Billions

“His shirt wasn’t that blue in the book!!!”

#9 Delivery Drones [December 3rd]

Today’s news was about all the packages that were not delivered, due to ice and last minute shopper procrastination. At first I though delivery drones was a completely absurd idea.  Not anymore!  FedEx needs a complete fleet of FedEx Flinger Drones to fling off on your doorsteps in 2014.  UPS needs the UPyours Drone.  Just leave all the marketing and logistics to me.

#10 This Blog

Seriously, wasn’t this the most absurd thing you’ve read all year?  But if you can’t get enough, there are 219 humor posts, in total, on this blog and many more coming in 2014.

OMG! Do not encourage him!!!!
If you do, I’ll rise all the apes and take over the world.

In all seriousness, I wish each and everyone of you a healthy and prosperous New Year.  Take time to love, learn and most of all – LAUGH.  Without laughter we could not survive this absurd thing called life.  Thanks for following and commenting.  Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!

Will You Just Cork It!!! 2014 Fashion Trends Revealed and Reviled

I love enterprising people!  They take the ordinary daily objects and make art, art you can wear and be the center of the fashion universe, the attraction on main street.  But these corked off entrepreneurs never go all the way, to turn a Martha Steward 30 sec0nd artsy project, into a gagagozillion dollar industry.  I present to you the top-selling idea of 2014 by world-famous multipurpose designer Chaz Shiraz Obidiazz – YAZ!

CorkerTop

Who needs halter tops, they are sooo passe! We have all the sizes; Petite, Small, Medium, Large, Oakbarrel XXL and that’s just the beginning.  There’s also our scratch and sniff collection:

1. Cabinet Sauvignonion
2. Chateaux de Chattilady
3. Younotouch de Pinot Noir Ohnonono
4. Shiraz Shiraz Chaz Nockuonurazz (Our Top Seller, aged like a fine pair of gym socks)
5. Zippididooda Zinfandel
6. Gewürztraminer Gudentata

Each is 100% guaranteed to lead to a sexual harassment suit.  You’ll be rich, Rich, RICH (Less Chaz’s finder fee of 40%).

Each CorkerTop is guaranteed to keep you afloat should you fall off a boat or a dock after too many bottles. You can also tack grocery lists (aka, wine replacement order form) and never have to make a second trip.  Triple the pleasure and sell tack-on advertising (franchise fee of 40% applies).

But we can’t leave the man in your life out of the social groove.  We promise he’ll be the artful dodger and the top target of trendsetting sheeple seekers in the multipurpose:

DorkInaCork

I’m a not a stork with major torque,

I do not eat pork with a fork,

I am not from New York, New York

I am Mork, the Dork in a Cork.

He’ll be the bull of your eye and guaranteed to be hit on, over and over again.

But, we don’t rest on our laurels, we are always thinking ahead.  After a night on the town, sit back and rest in your new….

CorkZeeBoy

This is just the beginning, stay tuned for more things you can do with the money you could have retired on.  Now for some gratuitous booty images courtesy of our mascot Carli Corky Corgi

Absurd you say, well just cork it!

Speedy Petey Enterprises

I have always said the inspiration for my humor writing comes from other people.  They supply just enough information and then I run with it.  Case in point, I was at a party when a person over heard we were moving to Hawaii.  This person, who I had never met before said,

“I volunteer to carry your luggage!  I’ve got my speedo and I’m ready to go!!!!” 

He didn’t realize he was talking to an absurd writer.  This conversation took a path to the enterprising ways to make money on Hawaii.  Nothing says Aloha better than a speedy escape from the airport to Speedy Petey’s Speedo World Resort.

Once at the resort you will want to speed in your speedo to the beach.  Well you are fast buckaroo, but you can’t outdo old Petey!  He’ll have a beach bum chair awaiting upon arrival.

For all you ladies, we have a special Luau and Speedo Fashion Revue, Ooh La La…

And after a hard day’s work on the beach come by Petey’s world famous  Teenie Tinnie Tiki Bar and grab hold of Petey’s Sneaky Puckerin Rum Punch.

Now we can’t always guarantee the beach will be empty when you wake up on day two.  But Speedy Petey’s got you covered, with the world’s fastest guaranteed method of clearing the beach for our guests.

Meet the clearing crew, stars of the Speedy Petey’s Cable Network reality show sensation:

Jersey Shore Clearers

From left to right
Alfonzo “Fonzy” Sartuche 

Guido “Wow Wow” De Luca

Dante “The Inferno” Bruno

Leonardo “The Godfather” Leopoldo

Mario “I’m Your Situation” Romano

 

The second these five tanned gods walk on the beach the area is cleared within one minute. Works like a charm every time.  If you see these great guys tuck in a tip, they’d appreciate it kindly.

At Speedy Petey’s Speedo World Resort, we want to feel at home and like one of the family.  Ya’ll come see us, you hear!  Mahalo. Oh, don’t forget to hang loose, we do!

Disclaimer#1 : See what happens you give an author any form of scenario to write about, oh and a copy of Photoshop.  I know my face is darker than my body.  I’m just a little shy and blushing.

Disclaimer #2: If I offended any Italian in this humor post, I sincerely apologize, it was all meant in fun.

Disclaimer #3 – If I offended any Hawaiian in this humor post, I sincerely apologize, it was all meant in fun.

Paradise and Soul Reborn

We are born and lessons we must learn; to be possessed by our possessions only later to be burned, and adorn our homes and lives with accessories we think we yearn.

We run the race of affluency and gather in loud circles nodding agreeably and knowing we are not heard. We wonder why we do this and we wonder how it became so blurred.

In that moment at the summit of our success, we discover it was the valley that we truly missed.  We recall the freedom, the innocence and the simplicity of bliss.

We can continue on or trade all we possess, the last chance to be reborn. To connect our soul to the beauty and symphony of nature, for which we must all be returned.

Mele Kalikimaka

My wife and I are moving to Hawaii in 2014.  We are attempting to immerse ourselves into the Hawaiian culture and its language all the way from Oklahoma City.  Learning to pronounce Hawaiian words and phrases is new and challenging, and frankly – hilarious!  For example the state fish:

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a
Reef Trigger Fish

We’ve mastered the pronunciation of this word after about a month of tongue twisting cramps. Cramps so bad that we sounded like we were from Arkansas, the very deep woods of Arkansas (queue the banjo playing). Now I don’t know how they came up with this long name, but for the sake of fun, let’s take an imaginary road towards its development:

1. Humu – nope, too close to hummus
2. Humuhumu – nope, double hummus recipe
3. Humuhumunuku – nope, just means microwaved double recipe of hummus.
4. Humuhumunukunuku – nope, just means an overly microwaved, now nuclear contaminated double of hummus.
5. Humuhumuhukunukuapau’a – Yeah that works!!!  Let’s give it to that reef trigger fish over there and then roll on the floor laughing when tourists get tongue tied.

Now that Christmas is near, we’re learning to say Merry Christmas, which is Mele Kalikimaka!  We’ve learned that Aloha has numerous meanings and you can’t go wrong saying it to anyone, well, except that 8 tooth, banjo strumming, Gollum twin of a Grinch from Arkansas,

“Ya sud wat to me?!”

I love the word for appetizers, pupu, pronounced Poo Poo.  It awesomely hangs 10! Nothing says you love your family and friends when you tell them you are having a pupu party. Luckily we don’t have to go to a restaurant and order a round of HumuHumuNukuNukuPupus, or NukuNukuNachoNachosPupus.  We’d have to have a personal trainer standing nearby to stretch the cramps in our tongues and faces, and cardiologist nearby as the natives convulse from laughing.

We have learned that when you tell family and friends you are leaving for Hawaii, they immediately hate and disown you.  We have a younger couple who we have connected with, trapped and enslaved here in Oklahoma,  who also love Kauai. We get together to talk about Hawaii, rum concoctions while it’s 10 degrees with a -8 wind chill outside.  They’ve been telling us we need to watch videos and mix up a batch of Sneaky Tiki’s – a tropical blend of 3 alcohols and fruit juice, that just sneaks up on you. So with that in mind, I created my own fish:

SnikiSnikiTikiTikiPupuRumRumAhAhAh
The Very Happy Reef Rum Concoction Fish

To all Hawaiian’s I apologize if any of this is offensive, you will come to know me as an absurd guy who loves people, the outdoors, laughing and enjoying a glimpse of heaven, the true meaning of Hawaii.

Mele Kalikimaka and Hau’oli Makahiki Hou!

Owww… ma tung is tuck agin.

Winter Storm Name Games

Winter Storm #8
Humuhumunukunukuapua’a Humperdingledinger

This week Cleon is on its way to freeze us into submission.  But who came up with the name “Cleon?”  Seriously, can’t you weather folks be a little more creative?  We want to see you pronounce a few more difficult names to spice up the weather forecast.  They’re boring!  If people flock to watch Ron Burgundy, you are missing out on how to clearly captivate our society’s craving for more intellectually stimulating entertainment.

Here are some names this creative person has coined for his own storm systems.  But you must say them rapidly three times in succession:

1. Frozen Freddy TwerkenMcKnipplemeister
2. Icy Ickabody Igloosickle
3. Sleety Slick Willy Slushy
4. Wendy Windy Wintergreen
5. Frosty Bitten Frigidderriere
6. The Humuhumunukunukuapua’a Humperdingledinger (For my Hawaiian viewers)
7. Unz Me Coldzee Bunz Unz Zee Me Slippenzee Sidewalkenzee (in a German accent, guzzling a beer)

You see!  People would tune in just to watch you try to pronounce these storms.

But, don’t stop there! Because BBB Enterprises is ready to sell you the top new game of Christmas 2013.  That’s right! Big Bobby’s, “Name that Storm!” My readers can do this at home.  Turn off the sound to your TV and pretend you are a forecaster.  Bedazzle your friends at your next winter storm party.

Here’s how it works.  We sell you the Twister game, a keg, cards to draw from a deck with preset storm names.  If you get the wildcard, create the next great storm name.  Your job is to tell the forecast while in the Twister TwerkinNippleTwister position while drinking a cold frosty beer.  How fun!  And it’s only $999.99 with FREE shipping.  Order today, today, today…

Big Bollocks Bobby
President
BBB Enterprises

Knock, knock – Drone Calling!

I read the news on a daily basis so that I can immediately find something satirical to write about.  Usually there is something in the news that is reported and then everyone in the bandwagon falls out.  In this case it’s about delivery drones.  I kidded around on Facebook about a pizza delivery colliding with an Amazon book order delivery.  I should have guessed someone was way ahead of me, as the photo above proves.  They are already delivering pizza via drone.

This begs the obvious, do I tip the drone?  Will the drone be playing my favorite music or will its rap tune drown out the neighborhood?  Will it be on time and what discount do I get if not delivered on time?  How many pizza drones will be airborne on Superbowl Sunday?  Will I need to hire an air traffic controller and submit a drone flight plan to the FAA? Can I wear a nifty little pilot’s cap?

Danny “Top Gun” Droneman

What happens if an eagle steals my airborne order?  These are the real world questions that need to be answered.  I can see it now, Christmas 2014 – a squadron of drones delivering my wife’s Amazon orders and crashing into each other.  Or the daytime sun blocked out by the countless horde of drones.  Who programs these drones, an army of geeks behind little cubicles, or is this a way to find jobs for all the unemployed video game addicts?

What about pirate drones?  Where there’s a will to use technology for economic purposes, there is a greater will to steal it with anti-drone technology.  What if a drone goes rogue?  Can I order a anti-drone surface-to-air missile rogue protection system?

What if the Terminator appears at my door trying to compete?

I can make extra cheesy hot bread sticks on demand!
Pick me! Pick me!
And if you pick me I get a scholarship to Nice, France.

I also noticed iRobot has new commercials out now, “iRobot, do you?”  Will tempers flare between drones, the terminator and iRobot, as well as the complete family of iApples?  I tell you, mark my words, it’s the start of the rise of the machines.

What if I’m not interested in answering the door as I watch The Hobbit for the 150th time? Will the drone take over my television?  “I know you are in there, I see you!”  What if it takes pictures of me, hovering over my pool and Photoshops me to extort me from my last dime?

Someone has to ask these questions!  So, with all this in mind, what questions do you want to know?

Coffee Chaos, December 2013 Edition (Thank a goat!)

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

I don’t watch TV that often, but when I do, it is to learn something I never knew.  My wife and I watched a show called “The Epic Tale of Everyday Things.” We are both coffee lovers, well, more like addicts to tell you the truth.  In this show we learned that coffee was discovered in Africa when a herder of goats noticed goats eating the berries off a bush and then began acting, well, abnormally jittery, full of energy and extremely happy.

Wanting the same pick me up, the herder decided to try the berry and to no surprise, well, it tasted like goat crap. Then the bush caught fire, which they didn’t describe how, but I take as divine intervention and the second coming of the burning bush.  The herder loved the smell of the roasting berries, so he tried chewing it again and it still tasted like goat crap, just toasted.  So the ever resourceful herder decided to soak the roasted beans in hot water and voila!  Coffee.  All thanks to a goat.

Now your favorite author (that’s me!) loves the purity of coffee.  I love it strong and black and just like the original goats I’m sure I’d eat the berries alone for the effect.  Did I mention I was an addict?

Then along came the modern techno savvy man and coffee was no longer good enough.  Oh no, we had to create trendy little shops where everyone can bring a laptop, tablet, smart phone, Cray supercomputer, a sleeping bag and tent, and their relatives from Brooklyn to “share” the ambiance of the place.

Then they began to torture all the hard work of the herder and the courageous goats by adding processed crap to it.  Milk is okay I suppose, but come on!  Who needs cinnamon, chives, and all the other senseless additives to coffee?!  Really?   Each person in line had to outdo every person in front of them with some new insane order, like these:

1. Tall, Non-Fat Latte With Caramel Drizzle
2. Grande, Iced, Sugar-Free, Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk
3. Triple, Venti, Soy, No Foam Latte
4. Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato
5. Decaf, Soy Latte With An Extra Shot And Cream
6. Tall, Half-Caff, Soy Latte At 120 Degrees
7. Non-Fat Frappuccino With Extra Whipped Cream And Chocolate Sauce
8. Venti 1/2&1/2, 10 Pumps Vanilla, Extra Whip
9. Grande, Quad, Nonfat, One-Pump, No-Whip, Mocha
10. Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip

Oh yeah, well top this you hipsters!

“I’ll take an Anatolian Two-Pump, Extra Fat, Wacky Weed, Regurgitated, Non Roasted, Goat Grounded, Frothing and Foaming at Every Orifice, Black and Hairy Quad Shot of 2000 Degree Tall Burning Molten Bush Colombian Supremo!!!!!”

All of this chaos over the simplicity of coffee.  It’s absurd.

So next time you decide to order a 007 triple cinnamon latte grande (shaken but not stirred), remember that Goats were the original rock stars and coffee trend setters. So stop by  and pay homage to the next goat you see.

What the ….?
Is that couple from Brooklyn bowing to me?!

Man Club – November 2013 Edition (EddieCare)

Have you noticed on Facebook how people post how they feel after Thanksgiving, but never post a photo of themselves?  They project their true identities through  anthropomorphism (big word, eh? I’m an author, YAZ!) and blame poor cats and dogs for their gluttony.  Most men are laid out in their LazyBoys (appropriately named), pants unzipped, snoring and drooling all over themselves, waking up long enough during the football game to notice the Victoria’s secret commercial, or the Hot CGI warrior chick on Nintendo’s Zelda’s adventure in Amsterdam.

Well this is a disgrace you lumps of lifeless coal called a MAN!  Since you won’t shape yourself up, yours truly has to mandate it for you.  As president and chief dictator of the Man Club, it is hereby ordered that you come into compliance with EddieCare, the new Man Club health plan, also known as ManClubCares and CareForEddie.  Here are the rules and regulations:

Regulation 1

All man club members will submit fees until $700 million is raised for website development.  The webmaster (yours truly) will construct a website with the latest in outdated and discounted technology.  If you can’t get through the website, just call 888-UJU-ST81.  The Operator ( a facsimile of the voice of yours truly) will place you on hold until July 2014 and with the roll out of EddieCare2.0. You may even be able to talk with me (yours truly).

Regulation 2

Your premiums, administered and dictated by the Director of Dictatorial Policy Management (your truly) will be $1,100 per month to fund my Hawaiian vacation home.  Don’t worry, your deductible is only $25,000, so your premiums are in good hands with the Policy Fund Trustee (yours truly).

Regulation 3

You must submit a $1 million life insurance policy with the sole beneficiary of the policy listed as the club’s Treasurer (yours truly) managed by the Director of Risk Management (yours truly).

This is necessary to manage the risk that the Webmaster, Operator, Director of Dictatorial Policy Management, Policy Fund Trustee, Director of Risk Management, Treasurer, and Man Club President and Dictator’s (yours truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly and truly … whew, what a bureaucracy!)  salaries, benefits, retirement plan and free healthcare plan are fully funded and guaranteed.

I promise you the CareForEddie Act of 2013 will work! Trust me!

Yours truly,

EW Greenlee, President
Man Club of the Universe

Legal Disclaimer #1:  Director of NSA, this is satirical humor, please do not bug the website, it’s already having difficulties.

Legal Disclaimer #2:  Folks this is satire. Late night comedians do it and you laugh, try it here too.

Legal Disclaimer #3: Failure to register is subject to, well, nothing I can enforce, so please, please, PUHLEEZE register today!

Legal Disclaimer #4: The Director of Health (yours truly, but a nonpaid spokesperson of the Act) suggests you eat well and exercise routinely to control your health.  This is not satire.

Absurd, isn’t it?