Have you noticed on Facebook how people post how they feel after Thanksgiving, but never post a photo of themselves? They project their true identities through anthropomorphism (big word, eh? I’m an author, YAZ!) and blame poor cats and dogs for their gluttony. Most men are laid out in their LazyBoys (appropriately named), pants unzipped, snoring and drooling all over themselves, waking up long enough during the football game to notice the Victoria’s secret commercial, or the Hot CGI warrior chick on Nintendo’s Zelda’s adventure in Amsterdam.
Well this is a disgrace you lumps of lifeless coal called a MAN! Since you won’t shape yourself up, yours truly has to mandate it for you. As president and chief dictator of the Man Club, it is hereby ordered that you come into compliance with EddieCare, the new Man Club health plan, also known as ManClubCares and CareForEddie. Here are the rules and regulations:
All man club members will submit fees until $700 million is raised for website development. The webmaster (yours truly) will construct a website with the latest in outdated and discounted technology. If you can’t get through the website, just call 888-UJU-ST81. The Operator ( a facsimile of the voice of yours truly) will place you on hold until July 2014 and with the roll out of EddieCare2.0. You may even be able to talk with me (yours truly).
Your premiums, administered and dictated by the Director of Dictatorial Policy Management (your truly) will be $1,100 per month to fund my Hawaiian vacation home. Don’t worry, your deductible is only $25,000, so your premiums are in good hands with the Policy Fund Trustee (yours truly).
You must submit a $1 million life insurance policy with the sole beneficiary of the policy listed as the club’s Treasurer (yours truly) managed by the Director of Risk Management (yours truly).
This is necessary to manage the risk that the Webmaster, Operator, Director of Dictatorial Policy Management, Policy Fund Trustee, Director of Risk Management, Treasurer, and Man Club President and Dictator’s (yours truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly and truly … whew, what a bureaucracy!) salaries, benefits, retirement plan and free healthcare plan are fully funded and guaranteed.
I promise you the CareForEddie Act of 2013 will work! Trust me!
EW Greenlee, President
Man Club of the Universe
Legal Disclaimer #1: Director of NSA, this is satirical humor, please do not bug the website, it’s already having difficulties.
Legal Disclaimer #2: Folks this is satire. Late night comedians do it and you laugh, try it here too.
Legal Disclaimer #3: Failure to register is subject to, well, nothing I can enforce, so please, please, PUHLEEZE register today!
Legal Disclaimer #4: The Director of Health (yours truly, but a nonpaid spokesperson of the Act) suggests you eat well and exercise routinely to control your health. This is not satire.
Absurd, isn’t it?