Spanx for Men – No Thanks!

HamishSpanx

Dr. Spanxster Rhyme

As usual, my friends on Facebook provide the material for my insanity. One of my female friends drug me into this one with the the following question.  Here it goes:

I have a question for the ladies……. Be honest! Have you ever tried spanx? LOL!
I did once, I couldn’t get in and out of it! What was your experience? Ha Ha.

Then, for some reason, I was pulled into this with this comment:

EW Greenlee, You have got to jump into this one! This stuff is right up your alley!

This caught me by surprise, because I wondered if she knew I was a man.  Was Spanx some form of 50 Shades board and rack game?  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, bend over and receive your Spanx.  I had no idea why I was being dragged into this one, so I researched Spanx and found it was just undergarments. Really, really tight undergarments.   Whew….  So I replied back,

Sorry, I don’t jump into women’s panties. Who do you think I am?!

Then one reader responded “Kilt Spanx”, to which I replied,

Sorry, I go all natural when wearing kilts. I never know when I need to do the Braveheart flash scene. Freeeeedom! Aiyeeee!

If you have ever seen that scene you know what I am talking about.  If not, rent it and see what’s under those kilts – both sides!!

Men in kilts

Well I’ll be Spanxed!!!

Now the instigator of this madness replied one last time,

I know you love to laugh. You’re going to have try this, and then write about it. It would be a hoot! Get Tracey one too, and make it a couple’s event! LOL!

So as you can see my absurd readers are waiting patiently for my brilliant post.

First off, if my wife and I ever decided to go all 50 Shades of Spanx and share panties, I would not share it with anyone. Second, there would be no sex tape, unless I have $1 billion in pre-orders (hey, scruples can be bought!)  Just for fun I thought I share some of their comments, since I was asked to jump in.

Sure been thinking about getting some! Anything that might hid the reality!

I finally got it on and then….thought I would never get it off and I might die.

Do they come in extra large?

I never squirmed and twisted so much in my life! It was awful

I felt like a fish flopping out of water!

I thought I should call an EMT! Hey, I am serious…..I was scared….

Same here I lost my courage, I wouldn’t even try a larger size! It was awful!

I bought one of those deals for my daughter’s wedding.. sweated like a pig.. She got married in June. I thought I was gonna die.

I sweated like a pig, because I was struggling so hard to get it off!!!!

I found the Power Panty far too tight (First male response – the Wuss Wuss train is now boarding)

They make these for men too! You’re a curious soul…. (Referring to yours truly)

No, I am not THAT curious.  But I do love to laugh.  I can only imagine a bunch of menopausal women squirming and sweating like a bunch of pigs as a good night of fun – NOT!  Is this what really happens at Bunko?

You ladies and Mr. Wuss Wuss, should have known any product named SPANX is going to hurt.  If I decide I want to become a soprano opera wuss wuus, I’ll give Spanx a try.  Geez Mon!

chimp

No, no…. Don’t say it!
Spanx the Monkey!
You just had too, didn’t you!

And there you have it!  My contribution to the product known as Spanx, to which Famous Hamish (my alter ego) says NO THANKS!  I have a wife, isn’t that torture enough!

LEGAL DISCLOSURE – to those who love Spanx and make their livelihood from Spanx, just understand this is absurd humor and I hope you like to laugh.  If you decide to sue me, will you settle for 50% of my sex tape preorders?

Famous Hamish Hogmanay

There are always men out there who are willing to try anything to make a living, and Famous Hamish is no exception.  So why not book your next vacation to a little known Hawaiian paradise hideaway.

HamishHoliday

We hear it all the time, people getting tired of the same old grass skirts, hula dances and pigs in a pit dinner buffets.  They want a new and different sort of Hawaiian experience.

Welcome, says Famous Hamish, also known as the Island Highlander, or Hottie Scottie to our female guests, to the experience of a lifetime. You see, Hamish wound up on a little known deserted Hawaiian island named Ilikey SippiMaiTaiIki, which was once a home to three wayward Scottish lepers. Now it is a must see destination for your family vacation.

Come ride the waves.  Glide effortlessly on our tropical zip line and the feel the wind rushing between your skirt, ah – freeeeeeeedom!  Lay back and relax on our natural feeling sheep plucking part hammocks.  Get up, get down, and dance to the nightly “beach dance” with instructor Michael Flatfoot O’Finley.  Finish the night off with the art of Haggis filled coconut hurling and eating.  There is so much to do and so much to learn of the island highland culture.

You too could be the next island highlander. So come visit us soon and learn the real meaning of – Hang Loose Dude!

Aloha!

A Conversation About Death

Reaper

As a man the age of 53, I still hope to have another 25-30 years of life ahead of me.  Much of what determines my age of death is in my genetics.  My grandparents averaged around the age of 84.  That gives me about 31 more years.  However, anything can happen in between and I mean anything.  If I was told my life would end tomorrow what would I do?  I’d have a steak, sauteed mushrooms, mashed potatoes, white gravy with a dozen fresh baked rolls. Oh, and a slab of bacon. Afterwards I’d enjoy a few rounds of beer and a cigarette.  Yes that’s right, a cigarette.  29 years ago I gave up, cold-turkey, a 2-1/2 pack a day habit as a promise to my pregnant wife that I would set an example for our son who was on the way.   Did I quit just for my wife?  Not really, I knew the outcome if I continued to smoke.  I wanted to live much longer.

This last week my son, who never took up smoking, sent me an email wanting to know what I would have to say if I called my grandson to my death bed with my dying breath.  Here’s what I’d say, “I love you Brogan.  Give life your absolute best. Have dreams, for dreams are the directions  for the actions to be taken.  If you respect me, then respect your parents. Don’t take things too seriously, especially high school and girls. Remember the fun things we did together.  Oh, one last thing – pull my finger!

I want laughter to be mixed with the tears.  If he ever talks about me it will be something like this, “You know what that old-fart did to me?”  Since I know my family line and his mother’s line, there is a good chance of frequent flatulation and I will always be on his mind.  See, you have to think ahead.

This morning my wife and I, as we do very often, discussed friends and family and how life had not gone as we had planned and hoped, but that we would stand side-by-side no matter what, a commitment to an ageless and sacred vow I still recall and will honor as a man. We talked about people who seem to be waiting for something, instead of making something happen.  I told my wife should I die early, our vow would end and to grieve no more than a month for me, then get busy living.  There is to be no funeral, but a party to celebrate my life. I will be cremated and cast to the seas.  I also made it clear I do not want to prolong my life with machines or man-made chemicals.  Let me fart one last time and then let me go.  As Aragorn said in The Lord of the Rings, “I do not fear death.”  I have faith there is an afterlife.

As a CPA, I have had to deal with death in the form of financial advice and estate issues.  I’ve seen the very best and the very worst of human nature in dealing with death and money. In the coming years, I will have to deal with the death of my parents.  In my mind I believe I am prepared, but tell that to my heart.  Watching a parent age, suffer illness and begin the process of losing memory is difficult, but a stage of life not few of us escape by a sudden death.  In those waning days of the winter of life, we will find what we are truly made of. We will also begin to address our own mortality and decide what to do with the remaining time given.

However, my wife and me also decided that a conversation about death is self-defeating, and that we would convert all our energy and thought to living every single moment.  I would rather die in my death bed and say, “Well I wrote 50 books in my lifetime and made 50 bucks” than to say, “I wished I had written that book.”  Failure to live life is the actual loss of life. You are still going to die whether the critics loved your work or not. Take a chance and self publish your story.  Some call it vanity, when in fact they say this as they stand before the mirror of envy. Do not let anyone, fame, or money define your self worth.

Maybe this week you should have a conversation about death.  Hopefully it also creates the discussion for the passion of living.  From there let it flow from discussion to action.  You need not be rich to live a fulfilling life.  In my trilogy, The Chosen One of Allivar, I present a reader with an interesting take on both life and death. The story is an epic adventure story, but a story, that should have you thinking about the fragility of life.  I know this much, you reach a certain age and time rapidly flees from you, like a fart in the wind.

“All men die, not all men really live.” William Wallace

“Get busy living, or get busy dying.” Andy Dufresne

Haggis Hurling Hogmanay

Haggis

Haggis, Neeps and Tatties

I may have mentioned that I converse with British author Danny Kemp.  He is almost as insane as me. Today he mentioned the celebration of Hogmanay day in Scotland, the eating of Haggis and copious consumption of Scottish whiskey.  I admit to not knowing what Haggis was, so I joked around about a celebration over the state line in Arkansas, which I completely made up.  For any British person reading this just know someone from Arkansas is like someone who has genes from vikings, eskimos, french, picts, turtles and hogs.  In essence, they are severely genetically messed up.  There in Arkansas they chase hogs and cook them in a pit and call it barbeque.  Instead of whiskey, they drink moonshine, also known as Hillbilly Napalm.  Moonshine is so high in octane it can run a monster truck, Titan missiles or a Hog (a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle) also favorites of Arkansans. It can remove paint and neutralize nuclear waste, so it is not for the faint of heart.

I joked that anything with “Hog” in its name was just an excuse for public intoxication and for throwing things around, like kids, wives (yes plural),  brother cousins (don’t ask me to explain), mothers-in-laws and banjo players.  Anyone who has ever seen the movie Deliverance knows exactly what I mean about the banjo player, that jeepers creepers of a genetically altered boy playing that banjo. We older guys fear banjo players and immediately go into sphincter clinching mode.  I will not provide any more detail on that sore subject matter.  Watch the movie and you’ll understand. We love our hogs. We ride metal Hogs, with our Hogettes hugging us as we drive.

I was sure I would be able to connect with Danny on this topic. In order to have an intelligent, yet insane conversation with Danny about this event I looked up Hogmanay and Haggis.  Here is what Wikipedia had to say:

Haggis is a savoury pudding containing sheep’s pluck (heart, liver and lungs); minced with onion , oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally encased in the animal’s stomach and simmered for approximately three hours.

Yuuuuu-mmmmm-y!!!  I also came across Haggis Hurling which is a sport of tossing said sheep’s plucking.  Here’s the background:

“Haggis hurling is a Scottish sport involving the hurling of a haggis as far as possible for distance and accuracy from atop a platform (usually a whiskey barrel). The Haggis must be edible after landing.”

The last sentence just kills me.  It must be edible after landing.  What, do they cook it in mid-air?  Honestly, I’m not sure if Haggis is edible even during pre-flight mode. I can see an innocent walker look up at the last minute and scream “What the Sheep’s Pluck!” Here in America hurling has another meaning: projectile regurgitation.  After reading the description of Haggis and looking at it on a plate with surrounding Neeps and Tatties, I was crowned the American champion of Haggis Hurling, even though I had no Haggis in me.  Although I have found this a productive weight loss tool now at my disposal.  Unfortunately, the imagery of me in a Scottish kilt hurling a 500 pound Haggis from the top of a whiskey barrel, would strip me of my crown and be given to my wife, as she is a better hurler than me.  That hottie scottie outfit I had for Halloween is not near as sexy to my wife now that she knows about Haggis, Neeps and Tatties.  Thanks Danny, thanks a lot!

This also ruined my imagery of William Wallace.  I am sure when they started talking about the movie title; Bravehaggis, Bravehogmanay, or Bravesheeppluck lost out to Braveheart.  Now that I know more about the Scot’s, Arkansas hillbilly’s now seem cultured and sociably acceptable. I also ran across this video of the day after Hogmanay for those that binged on Whiskey, Haggis, Neeps and Tatties.

Disclaimer:  This is my attempt at international humor. I love all peoples, hogs, sheep, Haggis, Neeps and especially Tatties of the United Kingdom, in a platonic sense mind you. My last image is of a genetically mutated banjo wielding Scot stop playing and ask, “What’s Tatties precious, eh, what’s Tatties?” Should I ever visit Scotland please do not hurl me.  Any American looking for a little adventure, just try ordering Tatties at Hooter’s. You may not sue me for their reaction, or physical injury you sustain.

Freedom

When writing my fantasy trilogy, The Chosen One of Allivar, I listened to movie soundtracks as inspiration for the most touching scenes.  My favorite of all times is The Lord of the Rings movies.  The movies, the books and all things J.R.R. Tolkien inspired me to devote ten years of my life to create my own and very original mythology. The Lord of the Rings is a story of heroic sacrifice, the basic theme of all my favorite books and movies.  I own the entire soundtrack and have seen the symphony in person. To say I was awestruck and inspired is an understatement.  Nothing can compare to the sound of a live symphony with adult and children choirs, it is almost angelic and other-worldly.

One of my other favorite movies is Braveheart. If you have ever seen the movie, specifically the scene of the execution of William Wallace and the subsequent freedom of Scotland, you cannot help but be emotionally touched. The music to the scene heightens the emotions. Obviously history of the events is much different, but the objective of connecting with viewers and especially with men, is the key point to remember.  Many of us men want to be heroic and gallant for a cause greater than ourselves.  We will risk life and limb for our family and country. Unfortunately we are trapped in an unromantic age. Gone are the ages where war is waged with sword and armor.  We live in an age where life as we know it could end in a single mechanized and even remotely controlled battle.  We may never have to come face to face with our enemy, know of their own pains and struggles, or that deep down inside they are as human as we are.

In the final story to my trilogy, Last Stand of the Living, I wanted to capture the essence of the emotions of Braveheart as the world for Wallace was coming to an end, but that by his actions, even after death, victory is possible.  The hero of my trilogy, Arimar, is a reluctant hero, one that would rather have peace and spend time with those he loves. In the end he is given a choice, and that choice leads to the fate of all. A fate that will have you the reader, riding an emotional roller coaster from one emotional peak to the next, and the next, and the next, leaving you drained, breathless and pondering the world in which you live, the meaning of life, the resounding power of love, and the value of family.  For it is a struggle of good and freedom from evil, and one where there must be a victor. Maybe one day my story will find its way on the big screen, for I wrote it specifically to challenge a filmmaker, with its very own empowering soundtrack. When you are done reading the final book, play this song and let me know if I connected.

What movie soundtrack moves you?

The Legend of Braveliver

William McWalrus

Let me tell you of the story of William McWalrus.  Some will say that I am a silly writer, but I shall not care, for someone has to rewrite history of things of great importance.  William was born a commoner and owned not a thing, only his trusty sword and his skirt, and beautiful thick hair for which lass’s went crazy for, and a comfortable but not expensive chair, and a pair of wooly socks.  When he became a young lad he met a fair lass, Frau Fenella, 1/32 German and 1/32 Scottish, the rest mutated females genes.  She became his mutant queen and they danced and partied until the credit card could bear no more. They then became less than a common commoner, they were uncommonly common commoners – oh you get the point!

William and Frau Fenella

Several years passed and middle age came quickly.  William took to pen and began writing a story where he created and destroyed worlds, and he called his epic tale the CHOSEN ONE OF ALLIVAR (Sorry, a shameless plug for the books had to be written in somewhere.)

William the Conqueror

Soon there came the Battle of Waffleburn and he waged war on the editor and grammarian foes of the land. William was crowned king, without a crown, and he sat upon his comfortable chair and dreamed of game of thrones and contemplated more wars upon his editing foes.

Game of Comfortable Throne

William amassed forces and led brave men to the fields of Fullcork. Victory was upon him when he experienced a sword and skirt malfunction giving battle direction. William became thereafter known as Braveliver to his foes and Wee Willy McWalrus by his queen, friends and countrymen.

Sword Malfunction

Yet the story does not end there, for he and his best friend, Hamish Hamlet, who was turned down the lead role as Princess Fiona in Shrek VIII joined forces and went on a 80’s reunion glamor hair rock band tour at local pubs and casinos, under the group name “TWISTED HAMS”  Due to the sword skirt malfunction, Wee Willy sings falsetto and Hamish carries the baritone.  Tickets are $9.99 each for Tuesday’s night presentation of  Scotthemian Rhapsody

. Twisted Hams

Well somebody has to write this silly stuff and it might as well be me, now sing along with me:

We’re just going to drink it,

You know – we’re just going to drink it,

We’re just going to drink it,

Till we can stand no more!

Our thick and beautiful hair makes you quiver,

and my skirt just makes you shiver,

now you know the legend of Braveliver!

(chorus)

We’re just going to drink it,

You know – we’re just going to drink it,

We’re just going to drink it,

Till we can stand no more!