Nudists and Tornados

Nudist Humor

Nudist Humor

I have a follower and frequent commenter who is a nudist.  He has a good sense of humor. In May, we bantered over the need to take cover for upcoming storms.  We both live in Oklahoma.  I suggested he have tennis shoes by the ready.  I love going nude with my feet, but that’s about all.  I have nothing against nudists, to each his own, they don’t alarm or offend me.  On occasion I will run free willy around the house, until my wife tells me she needs me to go mow the lawn. Willy just pouts. But in the case of tornadoes I’d like to have a little clothing protection, so wee willy isn’t whisked away in the wailing wind.  I know, I know, alliterations make for bad writing, except absurd humor writing, my specialty.

Some day I just might interview a nudist to see what they find humorous.  For example, do Oklahoma nudists run nude in the winter?  We do get very stiff and cold winds here (no pun intended).  Do they get chaffed in the hot and humid Oklahoma summers?  Now I notice some nude camps play sports.  Do they wear athletic support devices? Do three legged races have a completely different meaning?  Is the potato sack race kinda rough? Are they penalized in volleyball for using their exposed body parts?

How do you recruit members? Please do not send picture of face, just the body.

But the biggest question of all is this, if a nudist is not aroused by the sight of another nudist, what works for them?  Clothing?

“Hey baby, put on that shirt!  Oh yeah, yeah, now the fur coat, oooh it’s getting hot in here!”

Or is it a hairdo or Tattoos? Do nudists go on and on about manicures and pedicures?  How can you possibly engage in conversation and control your eyes at the same time?  I’d go cross-eyed and pass out from vertigo.

You see, for me, the sexiest thing in life is seeing a woman in lingerie.  If provides mystique and a tease.  Once it’s all off, I find there isn’t truly that much differentiation.  It’s like stripping your sisters Barbie dolls naked and being terribly disappointed.

“That’s it?! I was going to have GI Joe come over and open a BarbieQ Nudist Colony. Why bother now.”

Sex and nudity are overrated. We spend way too much time on them.  This is why I write absurd post on them, so that you will read them, since my fantasy trilogy and the upcoming chronicles seem of no interest.  Sorry, no nudity or salacious plots, just a quest, a completely clothed quest.

So as I close this post, I am not judging a nudist, I respect their beliefs in wearing no briefs.  Besides if we were all the same, life would sure be dull.  Oh and by the way, my reader really liked a reference, not my own, of Dashing Danglies.  I’ll leave this to your salacious imagination.

Advertisements

Apocalypse Monthly – Spring Break 2013

I just read another blogger’s hilarious take on spring break trip to Six Flags San Antonio.  It has been years since I ventured to a theme park, let alone a Walmart store. Why?  If you ever want to experience empirical evidence of devolution and digression just pick a spot where our youth hang out and socialize in long lines.   In just one week your precious son or daughter can leave and come back a different person, from a different planet, from a different dimension, and from a different species.  Girls Gone Wild was just a mild way of putting it, Girls Gone Insane is more descriptive. Young men are are already wild, but add girls gone wild and their heads just explode.

Must of us cringe at the sight of the People of Walmart photos.  Guess what?  That’s your little Johnny or Victoria in just a couple of more decades.  What devolves next is that little Johnny or Victoria will be calling you to see if their soul mate (the one they met on spring break) and soul children (The byproduct of soul-mating on spring break) can unconditionally rent (meaning free of course) your basement  from you. I am so sorry, you poor soul.

Down there they become cave creatures, only venturing forth from their endless days of video game tournaments, to check up on your stock of extra crunchy cheesy Cheetos.  If none are available, they will venture outside like cheese craving vampires, only after darkness arrives and head straight for Walmart, where they socialize.  They might get distracted if a tattoo shop is in their path.  Never, ever, venture to a Walmart after dark!  You know how dogs sniff each others behinds?  Well our youth are becoming closer to dogs than to humans.  Don’t believe me?  See the evidence below.

TrampStamp

Years from now some guy named Bob (at birth) will come up to your daughter Victoria in Walmart, see the little heart tattoo, all stretched and sagging into the cracks of doom and yell out, “Yo Vicky Yo! It’s me Crunchy Cheezy Cheetos RayJay Bob-Z.  Spring break Dayton Beach 2013! Doncha ya remember babeeeee?”   Now Victoria’s best friend Buffy, whose cute little butterfly is now the subject of a major motion picture – The Girl With the Really Scary Dragon Tattoo, turns to Bob and says, “Prove it’s you!”

??????????????

Then they all hug and recall the two minutes of spring break they remember before the haze set in.  They then turn to their smartphones and exit the Walmart back to party in their cave.

people-of-walmart2

Little Victoria
All Grown Up

When I was in high school and college, I loved going to the Texas State Fair on the weekend of OU/TX football game.  It was on the Midway that I began noticing the slow devolution of the human species.  I don’t do this anymore, nor shop at Walmart and I avoid spring break destinations like the plague.  I may not be hippity-hoppity, tantalizingly tattooed, or even cool-Z, but I will survive the coming devolution apocalypse – a result of addictions to spring break wildness.

I’ve been hoarding extra crunchy cheesy Cheetos.

The Other “F” Word – Bran Brand Bombs

Please - no bran today!  I beg of you.

Please! No bran today. I beg of you.

I always watch my blog statistics to see what people are interested in reading.  Appears Farts are leading the interest of our intellect craving nation, well, other than sex.  Today’s commentary has to do with the inappropriate branding and nutrition information of cereals that have fiber as an ingredient.  There needs to a rating on each box on the fart bombs the cereal might produce.  The rating scale should be from FF1 to FF5. This may sound very similar to the Fujita Tornado Damage Scale,  but it is actually the Flatulence Flatline Scale.  The scale at which the human generated hydrogen sulfide gas content can actually kill you. We have not tested, nor plan to test wind speeds. Should you ever see a text message that includes this acronym; WTFF5, please come to that person’s rescue immediately.  I love how environmentalists blame methane on cows. The poor bovines weren’t eating human processed fiber foods.

Cereal should also be titled appropriately. For example, a cereal named “Cracklin Fart Bran” is certainly more informative.  Hey, we all love cracklin farts, which only rank an FF1. You may think this sounds absurd and childishly silly.  Those who are in their 20’s don’t need fiber; they just need love, energy drinks, tattoos and sex to survive, now that’s silly.  Let me tell you, a day is coming where you and fiber will become intimate friends.  This brings me to one of my favorites – Fiber One.  I love this breakfast bar brand, but my wife believes it should be branded – Fiber OMG, WTFF5, Run For The Hills Bran Bomb.  These potent bars are FF5 capable, trust me.  You want a sandy beach to yourself?  Eat a box before venturing onto the beach.  Add lots of water, the hot sun, and presto! Empty beach.  Oh and be sure to have a dog or cow on standby to lay blame, if they are still standing, and a port-o-pottie.

Here is my idea of the top 10 brands that need rebranding and the appropriate FF bomb disclosure:

  1. Coo Coo for Cocoa Poots – FF1
  2. Fruit Loopy Toots – FF1
  3. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser – FF2
  4. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser with PushBerries and Peanut Butter – FF3
  5. Trixx’s Bran Bomb – Requires finger pulling for FF scale meter reader. Watch out, it can be trixxy.
  6. Cracklin Fart Bran – FF1
  7. Raisin Bran Bombs – FF5
  8. Raisin Bran and Nuts Bombs – FF5+
  9. Raisin Bran Multi-Grain and Nuts Bombs – FF5 Turbo+
  10. All Bran Bombs – (FF Nuclear Option)

Now there’s not just cereal, but there are also bars and toaster tarts:

  1. Popfarts – FF1
  2. Fartnation Instant Fodder Bars – FF3
  3. Nutri-Nuclear Grains Bar – (FF Nuclear Option in a Bar)
  4. Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars – FF5
  5. Quakering Oats Breakfast Bars – FF5
  6. Natures Foggy Valley Total Grain Explosion Bars – FF5, 10th power of F.

As you can see you have options, especially for a wife who has “Broken the Barrier.”  If you open the pantry and see old-fashioned Oatmeal or Cream of Wheat, you are safe for now.  No one ever died from an FF1 food source.  But should you start noticing a shelf dedicated to Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars, just know your wife is seeking revenge.  Whoever said women were the milder and meeker sex should be shot.  For three decades my wife insisted she did not fart, she only tooted.  When I suspected a toot she just blamed it on our dogs.  Funny, I just noticed we have always had dogs.  But today, the jig is up!  In the back of the pantry I found her secret – Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers, a definite FF5 candidate.  Add whole milk and you create a new gas – H2OMG.

Please.  Not Willy Wonkers Wafting Wafers!  I beg of you.

Please!!! Not Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers! WTFF5! I beg of you. H2OMG!

I should have been a monk. Have a nice day.

To be or not to… wait, what was the question?

Every so often someone on Facebook will post a photo for the sake of laughing at absurd generations past.  Today’s post was no different.  Do you recall the great mullet outbreak?

The McMeth's

The McMeth’s

That’s right, the great mullet outbreak of the late 1980’s.  Everyone in the family had to get in on the act – of insanity.  These people either have the brain the size of a sheep, or are on massive intake of drugs and moonshine (Hillbilly Napalm).

For example, our lovely family above, the McMeths; are Milly Jay, Billy Ray and little Billy Jay Ray.  Don’t they just look sassy in denim and leather trim?  So sweet, they just achy-breaky my hearty.  I was trying to figure out which camera they were staring at, as it seems all three of their eyes are fixated at a different directions.  It’s so cute, little Billy Jay Ray has a macho shark tooth necklace to show off all his little chest hairs, of which he inherited from Milly Jay.

I can’t tell but I really think Billy Ray is saying something like a recitation from MacBeth, only in hillbilly twang and composition:

To be, or not to be, uh what is duh question?
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Crutches of outrageous welfare,
Or to take hams against a double-wide of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, with sheep
No more; and by a sheep, to say we end
The Achy breaky Heart-ache, and the thousand therapy shocks
That Flesh is hairy too? ‘Tis a saucy consummation
Devoutly devoured to be wished. To die to sheep,
To sheep, perchance with butter cream; Aye, there’s the dry BBQ rub,
For in that sheep of death, what dreams may come…

Billy Ray then awakens, puts on his coke bottle thick tri-focals with tinted technology and realizes he can’t read,  “Sleep?  What the …?  I thought it said Sheep.  Well heck, no wunder it made no sense.”

Isn’t it comforting that some trends just die off and the next generation of conforming nonconformist arrive to show how far we have progressed as a species?

Family

The Painters

Welcome the absurd human family. One family’s fashion is another family’s shivers. Maybe Billy Ray wasn’t so blind after all, maybe it was about sheep.  Only Monty Hamlet knows for sure.

Sheeple

Thank heavens for diversity, it gives us a reason to make fun of each other.

Top Jobs Sought in 2013 – #3

As we move towards 2013 I wanted to bring to my readers attention of the top 3 jobs, as I see them, sought after for 2013.  Without any further delay let me start with the 3rd highest,

Tanning Salon Attendant / Owner / Gawker

Tanning

This brilliant idea came to me from my teenage son and his best friend back in the 1990’s.  Here’s their money making business model objectives:

  1. The job has to be fun,
  2. There has to be good looking girls involved,
  3. It makes a lot of money, and
  4. They don’t have to work very hard.

There you have it, the mindset of my son’s generation.  At first I shook my head, then I thought, well maybe they are on to something.  But don’t just stop there, add massage, full body massage.  This way you get to touch said good looking girls with a valid excuse. It’s utterly brilliant I tell you!  Then again I went back to the 4th reason above.  They might get cramped fingers and file for disability.  Playing video games is their true passion, so by all means save all the muscle action for that pursuit.  Between video games and texting I’m surprised they don’t have fingers like Popeye.  Visualize it, long skinny arms, thick, very thick and muscular fingers.  As soon as I recover my long-lost sketching skills, I will post some sketches to help in the visualization.

Okay scratch the idea of massage.  Besides they are just dedicated gawkers.  Add body stamps, I mean tattoos. This way you can still touch and get really, really close.  Who knows where they will ask you to be stamped. Tout your new solar activated neon stamps, or permanent glow ink to offer that special girl the ability to be noticed in the dark.   The whole point is to diversify and offer as many products and services under one roof, and keep the chicks coming back. For all you hormone riddled young male entrepreneurs here’s your chance.  Get a tanning bed and open up shop.  Hormone riddled young women are sure to line up for your services.  However, location and naming of the salon is very important, might I suggest just a few:

  1. Red Hot Bod’s
  2. Big Bollocks Bobby’s Browning Beds
  3. Two Guys Staring and Drooling Salon
  4. Glow in the Dark Dames
  5. Silly Sally’s Sunburst Salon
  6. Radiating Nuclear Beauties
  7. Sunny Side Up Stamped Tramps and Salon
  8. Babb’s Bronzing Beds and Stamps
  9. Gawking Geeks Tanning Salon

So why wait, select one of the names above, send me $10,000 for franchise and trademark fees. I have eagerly pale skinned customers just waiting for you to open.  Here’s a sample of my client list:

TanningCustomers

BBB Enterprises

1234 Suckers Way

Grand Cayman Islands

Call today 1-800-GAWK-ERS

Disclaimer: Honey, the photo of the chicks above is a free photo found on Everystockphoto.com.  I do not know these girls.  I am only using this for humor, and I am not living a double life.  Please put down the shotgun.

grandma-shotgun-4994602-l