Head, Due, South

chimp

Recently I learned that Kim Kardashian  and her husband had their third child, named Chicago – Chicago West.  The other two are North and Saint.  Now, I rarely miss an opportunity to make fun of people, because they make it too easy for me.  Maybe if she decides on triplets she will take a little advice on naming that makes sense.  She should name them Head, Due and South.  That way when she calls out of the front door she can yell out “Head Due South West – Dinner’s on.”  Of course neighbors wont’ care if it sounds crazy because it the Kardashian household, it’s merely to be expected.

Recently I asked one of my parent’s caregiver’s, who is a very friendly middle-aged Black woman, if names like Shakira or Jaqualyn are names traced back to African heritage.  She said, “No, they are hood names.” Of course I have no idea what a hood is, but thankfully no one with the last name of Wink has ever had a child named “Hood”, that would be cruel.

Now living in Hawaii people can have a name with about two hundred and fifty vowels and consonants in it, so this why Hawaiians call each other Brah, Uncle or Auntie.  It shortens the introduction process. Otherwise you might get this,

“Aloha friends, my name is Hanaapulua A`kakameka Pupualova Mememelikiwikiwiki and I’d like to talk today about the endangered Humuhumnukunukuapuaukardashianpupuwest. 

This is shortened to the following translation,

“Yeah Brah’s, this Bob Brah talking about the reefer toking Kardashian clan baby West naming insanity.”

I have to admit that I am an old fart and I like to talk with people like Jane and Mike.  Conversation is so easy, “Hi Jane, see Mike.  Mike is on his bike and he just might like Jane who also owns a bike.” Simple and to the point, we learned all that we need to know by what we learned in third grade.  Fast forward three generations and nothing is easy.  Naming children has become an art of confusion.  There must be some name generator that can test your intoxication level and deliver cool sounding names like:

  • Moon Unit
  • Diva Thin Muffin
  • Apple
  • iAdamizer (okay, okay, I just made that one up.  Cool though, isn’t it?)
  • Cornbread and Butter (Okay, okay I made that one up too, it’s just getting close to dinner and was on my mind, it’s Diva Thin Muffin that started this digression).
  • Bear Blu
  • Etc (well not yet, so I’ve trademarked this just in case someone really wants to be original)

Like I stated, I’m an old fart so names really don’t mean too much to me, I really identify people these days by their tattoos.  So, if I’m walking behind a woman and I see the tattoo Head Due South, I can yell out,

“Hey Kim! Let’s take a selfie together, but you can leave your clothes on.”

If it is not Kim, well that’s just gross, and I’ll claim I was just high on cornbread and butter, the names I know my daughter-in-law will name her upcoming twins.

Absurd? You betcha!

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