Oh Thy Wine, How Dear Thou Art on Thine Lips of Mine!

Heart from pouring red wine in goblet isolated on white

I made a resolution to not drink as much wine in 2018.  My tongue was turning purple and it was getting to be a budget breaker.  You see I’m an anal accountant, although I’ve never done any accounting where that body part was involved.  So I quit on December 30.  I’ve found I feel a lot better, my pants aren’t as tight, and I don’t experience as much dry-mouth as before.

My wife went to a quilt show where she represented herself as a vendor, she even won three ribbons, 1st, 2nd and 3rd for quilts she placed in the show – a true Greenlee Trifecta!  She brought back a bottle of wine.  Now yesterday was a perfect day to sit on our lanai here in east Naples, Florida.  There were no rampaging Bears, Chipmunks, Squirrels or Raccoons.  There were no blood-sucking monster-sized mosquitoes, or midges flying up your nose and dive bombing into your wine glass.  It was a perfect day, no false nuclear attack alarms, etc, etc.

So I decided to have one half-glass of her wine. Whoa!  It was like I was drinking when I was 14 years old on cheap Boone’s Farm wine. That one glass had me super relaxed and even a little tipsy.  It relaxed me so much I was ready to go to bed at 7:30 pm, right in the middle of a documentary on Thomas Edison, who never invented anything related to wine drinkers, so I’m not sure if it was boredom, the wine, or a combination of the two.

Now I fully admit to being the type of person that if there is a bottle of wine to be opened it should also be consumed in one setting.  That’s means I get six glasses and my wife gets one.  Hey, I can’t help if she drinks slow and I have a big mouth. There’s a new Twitter trend going against me now – #BackOffWino.

This is the way I’ve always been when ever there is anything that provides me with pleasure.  For example, as a child my parents struggled financially, so candy was rarely in the house.  When there was, my mom created hiding spaces to keep me from eating the entire bag.  So I tried to outsmart her by leaving one piece in the bag where she hid it.  So a bag of 50 Snickers was reduced to just one Snicker.  It was always evident who did this, because of my sugar induced coma and its symptoms, severe stomach aches, etc.  I just thought I was a clever genius at the time.  The funny truth is one time my mother hid a bag that both she and I could not find until she remodeled her kitchen 20-years later. Serves her right, it is the oppression I endured that has led me to my affliction.  I’m writing a new book, “Mommie Dearest, No More Snack Hiding Places – EVER!”    At Halloween I’d pull a wagon so I could haul in about 300 pounds of sugar coated this and that.  This would last me about one week.

I’m also this way with Ice Cream Sandwiches, there is no box big enough to satisfy me.  Beef Jerky and Bacon are also casualties of the domestic bliss in my house.  I have no will power.  It’s the devil’s work I tell you.  In the past, if my wife left for a quilt retreat or a show, well, it’s a hedonistic ho down at my house.  Breakfast – eggs, bacon, bacon and bacon, orange juice and prunes – yes prunes.  Lunch – a sensible sandwich wrap with a layer of bacon.  Dinner – a salad, with bacon bits, and maybe some nuked leftover turkey leg.  This was followed by a small snack on the hour every hour, finished off with a bottle of wine.   Of course, like with my mother, I made certain to hide all evidence, except leaving one out of guilt.

Another of my 2018 goals was to lose weight.  I did some research and it appears there are about 3,500 calories are in a pound of fat.  Next step, find my ideal weight.  The BMI scale shows I’d be best suited between 140 and 183.  Now at 140 that would be close to my high school weight, which means I look like the Super Model “Twiggy”.  At 183 would equal my buff college days where regular weight lifting and running, playing football, basketball, tennis, etc.  I’m 58 now, yoga stretching exercises for flexibility is about the extent of my physical exercise, so that means controlling calories has to be the key.  This means you eat twigs, that’s how she became to be known as “Twiggy”. Twigs have 0.002 calories.  So if I eat the contents of my backyard, I’d be taking in about 300 calories, but I’d have to fight off my Raccoon, who is very territorial.  Even he hides twigs from me.  This means I will lose 60 pounds this week.

But I found the Walrus Weight Watchers BMI that stated 225 was about right for me and that’s exactly what I weight.  Woo Hoo! Perspective is everything.  So binging on a 1/2 glass of wine was my celebration for reaching my weight goal in just two weeks. Take that Jenny Brag and Weight Whackers!

I love wine, but I really needed to curb my enthusiasm for it, which leads me to a little poetry:

Oh wine, oh wine, it’s not just for winter or summertime.

It goes well with bacon sauteed in butter and bacon, which does not ryhme.

For those whose lips will never touch wine,

Pass it over to me it will be gone in no time.

Wine oh my wine, my readers love you too,

That’s why it’s a tag, to pull in a sucker or two.

I wish I could control thee for 2018,

But I picked the wrong year to stop acting like a rebellious teen.

Oh wine, my precious wine, I wish my budget you didn’t shatter,

Oh what the hell, here today and gone tomorrow, what does it matter?

I may not be kissed if you turn my tongue blue,

but I hear wine drinking celibate monks have a great view.

I will end this award winning poem in honor of you,

My wine, oh my wine, it’s time to unscrew.

 

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Emotional Cars

EIEIO-Small

The press is in love with autonomous smart cars.  GM showed a picture of their AV with no steering wheel and another article talks about how a car will read your emotions and brain waves. Really?  Now we have another acronym we need to remember in our texting vocabulary hell, EDA (Emotionally Disturbed Autos). If it can read my emotions, will it take action?  For example, say I’m thinking about ice cream and the emotional pleasure it gives me, will it drive me to the nearest ice cream shop?  What happens if you should accidentally think about sex, which we men rarely do, is it going to drive me to the nearest gentleman’s club or Rosie’s Red Light House and then tell my wife out of guilt?  Will it talk to us? Can we program it what to say and not say?  Can you see the ethical dilemma here?

I can see me waiting at the red light and a very attractive woman walks by my car.  Is my car going to whistle creating sexual harassment and divorce litigation?  What if you are ADD?  Is it going to create havoc in the streets when your thoughts change so quickly?

Why aren’t people satisfied with just getting from point A to point B?  Well, here in Naples, Florida some of the elderly get to point B, by going left at point C, and then drastically cut back right at point Z to get back to point B.  It’s like a geriatric bumper car track here.

Will it become self aware and have an AEB – Artificial Emotional Breakdown?  Will it need time off to attend AAAC – Artificial Autonomous Auto Counseling, leaving me with no means to get to point F, I mean point B.  Will it decide its relationship with you isn’t working and catapult you like a villain in a 007 film?  Will it drive off the cliff, knowing it can’t live with you anymore and forgetting you are still strapped in.  I don’t need a Thelma and Louise logic board.  What if it needs to talk at 2 am and insists it doesn’t need fixing? Is it going to incessantly beep when it wants attention or shut off all power to your smart home and change your smart music system to the Willie Nelson channel?

What if it feels like being a prankster and tries to outrun an AV police car?  Will the two AV’s hash out their emotions while me and the officer have a few donuts together? Will it act like a smart ass auto? Will it think it’s a 1977 Trans Am and try to fly over Buford T. Justice in a flash of glory?  Will it watch Knight Rider and contract MVPD – Multiple Vehicle Personality Disorder? Will it develop AVK – Autonomous Vehicle Kleptomania and steal AV’s or become a AVN – Autonomous Vehicle Nymphomania and create a harem of AV’s?  Now we can see why leading scientist and engineers think AI, AV and EDA’s are a bad thing.  The questions are unlimited as to what emotionally unstable acts it might commit.

Why are we obsessed with gadgets?  Will the EDA become emotionally attached to those too and order what it wants from Amazon on your credit card?  Can it give you credit repair advice?  What happens if it decides it needs a lazy day to play AVVG’s – Autonomous Vehicle Video Games, such as Grand Theft AV or watches the Dell Notebook movie over and over again, wailing with short little beeps followed by one very long beep?  It’s getting a little ridiculous don’t you think?

Will it need a drive in the country to talk about it’s bad day in the garage, meandering along secluded roads with beautiful scenery, and serve me a glass of wine?  If yes…

WELL HELL, I’M ALL IN!

It’s very emotional to me, talk among yourselves.

2014 – A Review

Happy2015

 

Honestly, I don’t remember much about this past year.  It was a blur.  I think we had a polar corset, pineapple espressos, or something like that. I increased my fiber intake. My college football team (OU) initially ranked #4 and ended #400 (out of a possible 130 teams) – who knew the odds of that?!  I gained weight making the dough boy proud and very rich.  I converted from beer to wine because I was convinced the redness had health benefits, even though  my teeth are so stained, I am now confused with Nosferatu.  I wrote very little and generally was not in a laughing mood (I blame the fiber).

CalvinAndEddie

I watched “Moving to Hawaii” and tried to move to Kauai, Hawaii. This is of course if I can find a home or cardboard box that I can afford and isn’t snatched up before I can get there, or  leased by wild free roaming roosters.  If any of my loyal readers are from Hawaii, has a place to lease, and is willing to take my gas passing Golden Retriever (yes, I lay blame on the poor dog and the fiber), please respond by commenting here.

I grew older – dagnabit!  Even AARP stopped sending new member applications.  Instead, I received the OFP (Old Fart People) membership application, which was really less confusing with only three simple questions:

  1. Are you over 55?
  2. Do you require massive doses of fiber?
  3. Can you pay us $5?

It was so simple, I completed the application in 15 seconds and saved 15000% over AARP.  I have been approached to be the official OFP spokesperson.  I’m thinking it over.  I am highly qualified and they have offered me a free set of Yoga pants, because I began practicing in 2014 so I could be bend forward to cut my toe nails.

That’s it.  Exciting huh?  With this in mind, I’ve made my 2015 resolutions:

  1. Cut down on the fiber, at my wife’s pleading and my Golden’s howling.
  2. Cut down on wine and women.  Oh wait… that was a dream… never mind.
  3. Write more excellent humor like that displayed here.
  4. Perfect my sneers and do it more often, then blame it on the fiber and the Golden.
  5. Get to Kauai even if I have to dress like a wild free roaming rooster and blend in with the indigenous population.
  6. Bundle up for more polar corsets and pineapple espressos.
  7. Lose 35 pounds in 100 months or less.
  8. Fit into my Yoga pants (visualize that NOW!)
  9. Stay awake past 9:00 pm.
  10. Learn new words to include in the 4 books I WILL COMPLETE THIS YEAR!!!!
  11. Take writing anxiety drugs, supplemented by the other 30 counter effect drugs.
  12. File suit against the pharmaceutical companies for my 31 new 2015 drug addictions.
  13. Bend far enough forward to see past my belly and notice the official OFP brand logo on the Yoga pants.
  14. Stay positive – despite all the 15,000 people who will want to be president in 2016.

So you say it’s impossible to meet all these?!  Maybe so, but as the official spokesperson of OFP, I won’t remember any of it tomorrow.  That’s my excuse and I am sticking to it!  With age comes wisdom – use it or lose it.  I’ve chosen to lose it.

May you each have a happy, healthy, prosperous and fiber free 2015.

Legal Disclaimer – you may not sue me for the mental damage suffered visualizing an OFP member, or its spokesperson in Yoga pants.

2013 – Just Another Absurd Year

AbsurdChild

Well we’ve come to the close of another year.  Another year chock full of the absurdity of humans.  So let’s count down the top absurdities voted on in a poll of randomly selected readers [Me].  You can even read my past social commentary at the very time the absurdity occurred.

#1 – Miley Vyrus Twerks, Pokes, and Tokes

[Aug 26th]

You read it right.  A former good girl, inspiration and mentor to many young gals, goes twerky, jerky and bizerky between bong blasts. She came in on a wrecking ball to adore you.  Just watch out for her foam finger, its been places, if you know what I mean!  If you do, don’t pull it!  Who knows what song and video that will lead to in 2014.

#2 North West is Born [June 27th]

Baby naming took a new path south, or north, depending on your last name. Some named their kids Cheese, Blip, Ajax, Kiwi, Kazz, Kinzly, and a host of other absurd names all in the hopes of being unique amongst the others trying to be unique, which makes none of them unique, actually.  But keep trying, we need a good laugh.

#3 Harlem Shake

Not to be outdone by the “twerk” gave birth to the Harlem Shake.  I’m predicting the Thwongamotion will be the top song, dance and merchandising sensation of 2014. It’s a combination of twerking in a thong. Fans will be yelling

“Oh man, that’s so thwong!”

GagString

Every body’s doing a brand new dance now!
Come on baby do the Thwongamotion!

#4 Government

No elaboration is necessary, as no one would read the 2,600 pages to point out the absurdities.  You can just take your pick of the clowns from dysfunction junction.  We found $600 million to spend on a website from Canadian contractors, $38,000 for congressional portraits, but zero funds to fix the patch needed on my street.  They’ve run the country’s credit card to $17 trillion and gave themselves a raise.  If this is not the definition of absurd, then I give up.

#5 ISON

All year I had been reading about the Comet of the Century, ISON.  It never showed.  Appears it didn’t survive a pass near the sun.  Then there was a meteor that scientists say is from Mars, while at the same time touting a mission to Mars.  Is it just me, but are scientist actually now engaged in marketing their exploration plans?  How in the world, or the universe, can one say a piece of rock came from Mars?  Where they standing there when it was hit and followed it to our surface?  If that’s the case, I have land with a swamp, the swamp water came from Mars polar region. Just trust me!

#6 Wedding Color Crime

A couple got into an argument over the color scheme of the wedding and the husband to be, got stabbed. Well that’s a fair trade! I KID YOU NOT!  Read here Well at least they saved themselves the emotional pain and expense of a divorce. This should play well into my Female Code and Man Club posts for 2014. Bridezilla’s strike again.

#7 Google Glasses [May 20th]

I love technology, but come on!  You truly can’t find your way to the restaurant around the corner?  You need glasses to tell you when to turn left, then right?  Passwords are enough to drive us all insane, so let’s get more technology, like a telephone watch!  [April 10th] Well then, if you are still on board, I’m here to sell you the iMrRoboto line.

#8 Shades of Character Obsessions [Sep 9th]

When you read the news you cannot help but read the “beautiful people” or “trends” sections.  This is where we learn that people get so upset over the actors and actresses selected to play characters from a book.  Some so upset they send death threats.  It’s make believe folks! This is why they should cast stars with bags over their heads, so that the viewers can transpose their ideas over the bag.  However, if any skin showed, people would still complain, “That ain’t the way I thought that tat would appear!!!!”  As an author you just can’t win!

ChristianGrey

50 Shades of Brown
Staring: Bobblehead Bob Baggity as
Christian Green Billions

“His shirt wasn’t that blue in the book!!!”

#9 Delivery Drones [December 3rd]

Today’s news was about all the packages that were not delivered, due to ice and last minute shopper procrastination. At first I though delivery drones was a completely absurd idea.  Not anymore!  FedEx needs a complete fleet of FedEx Flinger Drones to fling off on your doorsteps in 2014.  UPS needs the UPyours Drone.  Just leave all the marketing and logistics to me.

#10 This Blog

Seriously, wasn’t this the most absurd thing you’ve read all year?  But if you can’t get enough, there are 219 humor posts, in total, on this blog and many more coming in 2014.

chimp

OMG! Do not encourage him!!!!
If you do, I’ll rise all the apes and take over the world.

In all seriousness, I wish each and everyone of you a healthy and prosperous New Year.  Take time to love, learn and most of all – LAUGH.  Without laughter we could not survive this absurd thing called life.  Thanks for following and commenting.  Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!

Will You Just Cork It!!! 2014 Fashion Trends Revealed and Reviled

CorkFashions

I love enterprising people!  They take the ordinary daily objects and make art, art you can wear and be the center of the fashion universe, the attraction on main street.  But these corked off entrepreneurs never go all the way, to turn a Martha Steward 30 sec0nd artsy project, into a gagagozillion dollar industry.  I present to you the top-selling idea of 2014 by world-famous multipurpose designer Chaz Shiraz Obidiazz – YAZ!

CorkerTop

Who needs halter tops, they are sooo passe! We have all the sizes; Petite, Small, Medium, Large, Oakbarrel XXL and that’s just the beginning.  There’s also our scratch and sniff collection:

  1. Cabinet Sauvignonion
  2. Chateaux de Chattilady
  3. Younotouch de Pinot Noir Ohnonono
  4. Shiraz Shiraz Chaz Nockuonurazz (Our Top Seller, aged like a fine pair of gym socks)
  5. Zippididooda Zinfandel
  6. Gewürztraminer Gudentata

Each is 100% guaranteed to lead to a sexual harassment suit.  You’ll be rich, Rich, RICH (Less Chaz’s finder fee of 40%).

Each CorkerTop is guaranteed to keep you afloat should you fall off a boat or a dock after too many bottles. You can also tack grocery lists (aka, wine replacement order form) and never have to make a second trip.  Triple the pleasure and sell tack-on advertising (franchise fee of 40% applies).

But we can’t leave the man in your life out of the social groove.  We promise he’ll be the artful dodger and the top target of trendsetting sheeple seekers in the multipurpose:

DorkInaCork

corkxedo

I’m a not a stork with major torque,

I do not eat pork with a fork,

I am not from New York, New York

I am Mork, the Dork in a Cork.

He’ll be the bull of your eye and guaranteed to be hit on, over and over again.

But, we don’t rest on our laurels, we are always thinking ahead.  After a night on the town, sit back and rest in your new….

CorkZeeBoy

CorkzeeBoy

This is just the beginning, stay tuned for more things you can do with the money you could have retired on.  Now for some gratuitous booty images courtesy of our mascot Carli Corky Corgi

Corgi

Absurd you say, well just cork it!

Female Code – September 2013 (Sneaky Memes)

WomensTest

You see these all the time, little meme’s that catch our attention.  They are meant to be funny and give us a chuckle, but this one… it’s real!  Notice it’s #2044?  Women have codified their offensive against us men. They are sneaky with these little innuendos.

If my wife did this to me, I’d immediately check the bank and credit card balances.  Then I could respond and respond resoundingly, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she had worn a negligee while saying this, I’d be drooling and too stupefied to know what to say.  Oh no, that’s just dreaming on my part. Instead she wraps up in an Alaskan survival gown, when she asks me these form of questions. There is not a bit of skin visible.  We’ve been married 33 years, she knows how to get and keep my attention.

If I sit down at the dinner table and she says this, I immediately smell the food and give my golden retriever (Ruby) the first bite. If the dog rolls over, howls, and gags then I will know what to say, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she brews a pot of coffee that doesn’t smell like Colombian Supremo and says this, and my Golden starts to run, my reply will be, “Well Ruby certainly noticed! Let me guess, foo-foo coffee, right?”

If she ever mowed the yard, just once in her lifetime, I’d say, “Uh oh, what have you done now?  Yes, I noticed!  Hell has frozen over. Who wouldn’t notice?!”

If she says this, I will immediately look to see if it is a new outfit and reply, “I need to mow the lawn.  Hell hasn’t frozen over yet!”  To which she will look at me, completely befuddled and reply, “Huh?”  Ah, you see, we men are sneaky too.

We’ve been working out now for about 5 months, trying to lose weight and to keep enough muscles in shape to pour and drink wine (a very arduous calorie burning task).  I tell her that I am starting to notice, but the scale isn’t dropping fast enough for her, that’s when she says, “Well I don’t notice ANYTHING different!!!!”  You see, I can’t win, these are impossible odds, because a woman is involved.

They can’t help themselves, it’s part of their genetic mutation; that female code with 16,700,000,000,000,000 mish-mashed strands, all wrangling for equal time.  #2045 I am sure is:

One of the most terrifying things a woman can bring home is, “50 Twilights of Gray Matter Yoga Starter Kit.”

If I don’t post next month, you will notice something different.  I will be rolling over, howling, gagging and begging for mercy.  But you have over 250 former humor post to read.  I think ahead in case you haven’t noticed.

The Workout From Hell – Or was is it Yoda, Vodka, Gollum, Soda or Yoga

man-exercising

I decided about a month ago to get back into shape one last time in my lifetime and then keep it that way.  On June 16th I will turn 54 (gifts welcomed) and getting in shape has become a little harder than I thought.  I go to the gym and step on the elliptical trainer and do 15 minutes from hell.  I watch the calorie burner and in that time I’ve burned off just one diet soft drink (120 calories).  Are you kidding me!!  I sweat more than enough to fill a six pack!  Next, I journey to the weight machines to try to bring my muscles back off the floor.  As I lift 80 pounds, some 100 pound female walks by and sits straight across from me and squats 850 pounds, then prances off giggling.  Show off!  It is hard to imagine that I was once 135 pounds at high school graduation, worked out and gained 50 pounds of muscle, stopped working out and gained 50 more pounds of flubber rubber.  Yet, my chicken legs are as skinny as they were in high school.

But now I have a workout buddy – my wife! Woo hoo! My wife has never truly cared for exercising – period!  Even she is seeing the need to exercise.  I think it was the AARP membership drive package she received when she turned 50 that was the inspiration.  So we decided to invest in exercise mats to do daily stretching, which some call Yoga.  I call it Holycrapa!  I watched a YouTube video on Yoga and even watching the instructor made my knees crackle and pop.  My wife swears I just watch for the instructor.  You be the judge.

Now this is definitely not Yoga for Old Farts, as I was hoping, this was Yoga for Martians Pretending to be People.  Are you serious? Holycrapa! Then this instructor says, “let’s do it again.”  I couldn’t do that once, even when I was a toddler!  Watching this alone gave me an instant OMG! (Oh My Groin) moment.  Where’s the beginner video of just 1 hour of laying on the floor motionless in meditation, followed by one leg lift? So after actually searching for Yoga for Old Farts, I found what I was looking for.

I can do that! As I was doing this strenuous Yoga exercise, to the right of the video were other suggestions, such as a Gollum and Yoda parody, a soda, and a vodka ad.  Soon I found myself more interested in funny videos instead of getting in shape (sigh).  It was at that moment the latest AARP membership package arrived offering discounts to new AARP members with ADD,  offering a free beginners Yoga class taught by master yogi Yoda Gollum, followed by dinner served with a soda mixed vodka. Okay, these search engines are getting a little too good.

So, hi ho, hi ho, it’s back to the gym I go. But for tonight, me and my workout buddy are going to enjoy a glass of wine. Hey, lifting the bottle, pouring and then curling to sip counts as exercise!!!  Well, it does in my world.