Honestly, I don’t remember much about this past year. It was a blur. I think we had a polar corset, pineapple espressos, or something like that. I increased my fiber intake. My college football team (OU) initially ranked #4 and ended #400 (out of a possible 130 teams) – who knew the odds of that?! I gained weight making the dough boy proud and very rich. I converted from beer to wine because I was convinced the redness had health benefits, even though my teeth are so stained, I am now confused with Nosferatu. I wrote very little and generally was not in a laughing mood (I blame the fiber).
I watched “Moving to Hawaii” and tried to move to Kauai, Hawaii. This is of course if I can find a home or cardboard box that I can afford and isn’t snatched up before I can get there, or leased by wild free roaming roosters. If any of my loyal readers are from Hawaii, has a place to lease, and is willing to take my gas passing Golden Retriever (yes, I lay blame on the poor dog and the fiber), please respond by commenting here.
I grew older – dagnabit! Even AARP stopped sending new member applications. Instead, I received the OFP (Old Fart People) membership application, which was really less confusing with only three simple questions:
- Are you over 55?
- Do you require massive doses of fiber?
- Can you pay us $5?
It was so simple, I completed the application in 15 seconds and saved 15000% over AARP. I have been approached to be the official OFP spokesperson. I’m thinking it over. I am highly qualified and they have offered me a free set of Yoga pants, because I began practicing in 2014 so I could be bend forward to cut my toe nails.
That’s it. Exciting huh? With this in mind, I’ve made my 2015 resolutions:
- Cut down on the fiber, at my wife’s pleading and my Golden’s howling.
- Cut down on wine and women. Oh wait… that was a dream… never mind.
- Write more excellent humor like that displayed here.
- Perfect my sneers and do it more often, then blame it on the fiber and the Golden.
- Get to Kauai even if I have to dress like a wild free roaming rooster and blend in with the indigenous population.
- Bundle up for more polar corsets and pineapple espressos.
- Lose 35 pounds in 100 months or less.
- Fit into my Yoga pants (visualize that NOW!)
- Stay awake past 9:00 pm.
- Learn new words to include in the 4 books I WILL COMPLETE THIS YEAR!!!!
- Take writing anxiety drugs, supplemented by the other 30 counter effect drugs.
- File suit against the pharmaceutical companies for my 31 new 2015 drug addictions.
- Bend far enough forward to see past my belly and notice the official OFP brand logo on the Yoga pants.
- Stay positive – despite all the 15,000 people who will want to be president in 2016.
So you say it’s impossible to meet all these?! Maybe so, but as the official spokesperson of OFP, I won’t remember any of it tomorrow. That’s my excuse and I am sticking to it! With age comes wisdom – use it or lose it. I’ve chosen to lose it.
May you each have a happy, healthy, prosperous and fiber free 2015.