Coffee Chaos – February 2014 (Lord of the Latte, Extended Version)

LordofTheLatte

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a Lord of the Rings junkie.  So when I saw this picture on Facebook without a caption, I had to steal it and with my magic staff knowledge of Photoshop and add a snappy little saying to it.

Although I love Lord of the Rings, it is ripe for a lifetime of parodies including a never ending parody on “Lord of the Latte” or “Lord of the Bean”  (starring none other than Sean Bean).  I could easily play the voice of Sauron in the morning before one drop of coffee. Here’s a sample:

Osh Gosh Bnosh Riptator Ungoly Bosh

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to,  God hurry up Mr. Coffee!  Brew faster you sucker!

I often wonder if my addiction to Colombian Supremo is a curse by some Colombian Dark Bean Lord named Sauron Valdez, the evil twin of Juan Valdez, because honestly there is nothing worthy hanging on to in life without coffee, well, other than the 5:00 wine hour.  Besides you need the alcohol in wine to counteract the caffeine in the coffee.  The balance of life on this upper earth is at stake.

Once I’ve had one cup I’m ready for my Gollum/Smeagol impersonation.  Here you can see me writhing as I fondle my coffee mug.  Yes, I wrote fondle, what of it?

It came to me, my preciousss’s’s (sic) Gollum

Nobody likes you! Gollum

After a pot of Supremo they do! Smeagol

No they don’t, coffee hog! Gollum

Go away.  I hate you. Smeagol

I can’t go away you fool. Without me you’d be nowhere. It’s the Supremo talking. Gollum

How my wife has stayed married to me for almost 34 years now is as mysterious as why the fellowship didn’t take Eagle Express Airlines to mount doom.  I mean, come on, I’m all for quests but 3 movies and 4 hours each contributes to obesity.  You have to consume 5 large cartons of popcorn and 3 monster soda’s to survive the extended version marathon.  Well, unless you are like me and then you just drink Supremo from beginning to end and actually look like Gollum at the end.  Then we get to add on the Hobbit trilogy extended version and actually convert to Gollum Couch Potato (PO-TA-TOE).

And speaking of Mount Doom, what fool invented decaffeinated coffee?  Do you drink decocoanated hot chocolate? Or alchol free wine, a Mai Tai, or Sneaky Tiki? Oh hell no you don’t!  Whoever invented this concept should be thrust into the flames for whence they belong.  For without caffeine, I do my most famous Sauron impersonation:

Osh Crappo Raggol Bean Def Dafool

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to, There is no life in the void, only decaffeinated death!

BoromirSaidCoffee

Female Code – September 2013 (Sneaky Memes)

WomensTest

You see these all the time, little meme’s that catch our attention.  They are meant to be funny and give us a chuckle, but this one… it’s real!  Notice it’s #2044?  Women have codified their offensive against us men. They are sneaky with these little innuendos.

If my wife did this to me, I’d immediately check the bank and credit card balances.  Then I could respond and respond resoundingly, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she had worn a negligee while saying this, I’d be drooling and too stupefied to know what to say.  Oh no, that’s just dreaming on my part. Instead she wraps up in an Alaskan survival gown, when she asks me these form of questions. There is not a bit of skin visible.  We’ve been married 33 years, she knows how to get and keep my attention.

If I sit down at the dinner table and she says this, I immediately smell the food and give my golden retriever (Ruby) the first bite. If the dog rolls over, howls, and gags then I will know what to say, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she brews a pot of coffee that doesn’t smell like Colombian Supremo and says this, and my Golden starts to run, my reply will be, “Well Ruby certainly noticed! Let me guess, foo-foo coffee, right?”

If she ever mowed the yard, just once in her lifetime, I’d say, “Uh oh, what have you done now?  Yes, I noticed!  Hell has frozen over. Who wouldn’t notice?!”

If she says this, I will immediately look to see if it is a new outfit and reply, “I need to mow the lawn.  Hell hasn’t frozen over yet!”  To which she will look at me, completely befuddled and reply, “Huh?”  Ah, you see, we men are sneaky too.

We’ve been working out now for about 5 months, trying to lose weight and to keep enough muscles in shape to pour and drink wine (a very arduous calorie burning task).  I tell her that I am starting to notice, but the scale isn’t dropping fast enough for her, that’s when she says, “Well I don’t notice ANYTHING different!!!!”  You see, I can’t win, these are impossible odds, because a woman is involved.

They can’t help themselves, it’s part of their genetic mutation; that female code with 16,700,000,000,000,000 mish-mashed strands, all wrangling for equal time.  #2045 I am sure is:

One of the most terrifying things a woman can bring home is, “50 Twilights of Gray Matter Yoga Starter Kit.”

If I don’t post next month, you will notice something different.  I will be rolling over, howling, gagging and begging for mercy.  But you have over 250 former humor post to read.  I think ahead in case you haven’t noticed.

Coffee Chaos – June 2013 Edition (Boobie Booze)

baby-bottle

My grandson has great lungs.  Whenever he is ready to eat he is going to let you know.  His mom is breast feeding and while my wife watched him for a short period of time, I had forgotten how hilarious it was to watch infants eat.  They scream bloody murder to let you know they are hungry, but the instant the plastic nipple is in their mouth it’s heavenly satisfaction.  Shortly after consuming the contents they fade into a comatose state as though they had been drinking booze. Then they pass out for 30 minutes to an hour so you can catch up on coffee consumption.  This why I refer to this month’s edition as Boobie Booze, just because the words Boobie and Booze will get me 16 trillion hits.

It is also the same reaction I have each morning when taking my first sip of Colombian Supremo.  I’ll be grumpy, but the second the rim of my insulated mug hits my lips, I’m in heaven, like an infant the moment they taste the Boobie Booze.  But for me it’s the opposite effect, I go from the comatose state to, “Ready Eddie Action Hero.” Although my wife states it more like, “The Chatty Cathy Doll from Hell.”  Now I ask you readers is that loving, honoring and cherishing?

This last month our credit card was hacked, which means we had to get a new card so that our coffee bean company [Coffee for Less – a gratuitous plug]  could deliver our life sustaining inventory of the gift of the gods. This also meant we ran out before the beans arrived.  This is when I wanted to cry and a grown man crying is a truly pathetic sight.  The very day our beans arrived, our daughter accidentally turned off the hot water supply to our Bunn brewer.  Hadn’t I been tortured enough?  This was a true coffee chaos moment.

To end this post, if you are looking for conversation with friends or relatives who have infants, just brew come coffee, pull out the Boobie Booze and enjoy the sweetness of a comatose infant. Not all moments in life should be filled with coffee chaos.

Surely you have a story you’d like to share.

Coffee Chaos – May 2013 Edition (Children)

Coffee Chaos The Monthly Journal

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

We have been watching our grandson while our daughter-in-law continues in Dental School.  She will be responsible for taking care of the chaos in my mouth for the remainder of my life.  Part of that chaos is surely attributable to my love of coffee.  For a very long time neither of my children liked coffee.  As a matter of fact, they thought my wife and I were crazy.  Well we are, but that is beside the point.  Now that they are both adults, they have learned to love coffee.  My daughter who is 25 and SINGLE is going to dental hygiene school.  Between her and my daughter-in-law, my mouth should be well taken care of.

However, they are now loving my Colombian Supremo beans a little too much.  My son stops by each morning to drop off my grandson and has a large cup as we discuss the daily drudgery of being accountants.  I now know why they call us bean counters, because I am starting to count the depletion of my Colombian Supremo bean inventory with great angst and anxiety. We are now up to three pots in the morning and our commercial coffee grinder is being put to the test and depreciating rapidly.  We are already on a monthly shipment of the beans from Coffee for Less. I hope they see I’m a good referral source and ship one free 100 pound bag to me this month.  One can hope right? Then my daughter now has her own Keurig machine, but still consumes MY supply.

Now I love my kids, but they are making me draw the line. Kids or beans, beans or kids?  Whoever said children are a blessing should have their beans removed for a month. Then let’s see how they truly feel?  It’s enough to make a parent become a closet coffee addict and hide from the children coffee conspiracy.  Now our time of watching our grandson ends this next week and my supply of beans will stop depleting as rapidly.  My son will have to find his caffeine fix somewhere else.

This leaves me only with the issue of my daughter.  If there are any rich doctors, dentists or computer engineers seeking a beautiful, fun loving, and intelligent soul mate – puhleeeeze reply to this post. I’m taking applications and interviews for a son-in-law. Those with saggy pants need not apply. Attach photos of your coffee accessories and bean supply. I will make exception for Starbucks franchise owners or employees of Coffee for Less.  I’ll even throw in the 100 pounds of beans Coffee for Less ships me as her dowry.

IMG_3498.3

Are you reading this Coffee for Less?  Geez, gratitude for shameless promotion is so hard to find these days. Oh the chaos that coffee brings to world.  Yes I am very shameless, but hey, every bean counts.

What madness has coffee brought to your family?

Adventures in Sleep

WifeSnoring

Innocent Wife Asleep

Do you know how hard it is to find an image of a man awakened by a snoring wife?  It’s impossible!  It’s a media conspiracy to make all men look like villains.  Last night was an adventure for sure.  I awoke at 1:30 am for a bladder alarm call, then limped my way back to bed.  I can never go back to sleep immediately.  Some nights I sleep like a rock and a I dream a lot.  Then when I can’t sleep I day-dream, a lot.  This is what I call my “creative” time.  I will think of everything, including, but not limited to:

  1. Sex (You knew that was coming asleep or not)
  2. Popcorn
  3. Epic battles
  4. Spreadsheets (Yes, sick I know)
  5. What time it is
  6. Book characters
  7. Puppies
  8. Sex

I’ll rollover and see that it is now 1:45 am.  So I try real hard to concentrate on sleeping by counting sheep, then my mind opens up a spreadsheet to tabulate the results.  See!  I told you it was sick.  I nodded off and then tried to roll over, but my arm wasn’t coming with me.  I discovered that I had unleashed the mattress cover and had my arm trapped under it.  After untangling myself my ever so lovely wife begins with her snoring.  I nudge her gently so that she will stop and normally she does.  Not this night, just when I was about to fall asleep again she started up again like a Walrus in heat.  This time I nudged her a little more sternly.  She awoke and sat up staring at me.

I told her I was going to make her sleep on the couch like that commercial where the snoring man has to get a plastic 7th grade football mouthpiece that they now call a snoring device.  You throw the plastic into boiling water and then shove it in your mouth to mold around your teeth.  This is nothing new folks, you’ve been had.  I just use duct tape – cheap and no boiling necessary.

Well I finally fell asleep and what do you know, the alarm goes off.  Now I tell my wife what happened and she laughed so hard she snorted, yes snorted.  That’s when I told her she sounded like a Walrus in heat.  Men, if you have a snoring wife, never, ever, refer to her noise as coming from an animal of enormous, gigantic, titanic, or leviathan size.  She will become offended. Why?  I have no idea, I was describing the sound, not the image.

Noaa-walrus22

My Wife

And this is why you can’t find photos of women snoring. They are too sensitive.  It’s not PC.  Notice the lady above how angelic and goddess like they make her out to be?  This is a lie.  No matter how much we men might suffer in the wee hours of the morning, you are supposed to bow down and kiss the goddess feet of your wife.  That’s after she takes those arctic cold flippers, I mean feet, from your warm thighs.

Then there’s the moments where my wife ventures to my side of the king-sized bed.  Why they call it a king bed, I have no idea.  The queen hogs it all.  Uh oh, I just offended her again.  Sometimes I awaken to find six feet on her side unoccupied and my south 40 acres encroached upon with a Walrus mating call to announce the encroachment.  It’s no wonder I’m always tired.  I am convinced this is why God created coffee for man. Why did he create women?  How can I forget, to give us children. Please shoot me now. Oh, the adventures of sleep.

Do you care or dare to share any adventures about your sleep?

Coffee Chaos – April 2013 Edition (Tax Deadline)

Coffee ChaosThe Monthly Journal

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

I am a CPA.  Today is April 5th and the 15th is nearing.  Tax season is chaos, but it would be a disaster if my Colombian Supremo coffee supply ran out.  I can only imagine the deductions I’d let people get away with if caffeine wasn’t flowing through my veins.  Here’s an actual list of tax benefits and deductions people have asked if they could claim:

  1. Pets as dependents.  Yes dogs, cats, goldfish, squirrels and others are dependent on your goodwill and care, but the gods in Congress have written laws that prevent such deductions.  Although they have plenty deductions for their own pet projects.  He who writes the laws controls the laws.
  2. Travel Motor Home.  I had a lady one time demand I write off 100% of her motor home for conventions she attended selling makeup.  I suggested she run for Congress. She has the same mindset as they do.
  3. Bass Boats and Lap Dances.  You see, Bubbas entertain Bubba clients on Bubba Bass boats (wink wink).  They also want to deduct the booze and the lap dances from Lola Arlene’s House of Pleasure.  I believe these ex-clients are also members of Congress.
  4.  Home Office.  I had one client who wanted to deduct all the expenses of her home for watching a friends child.  Just one child. She was paid for the service, but claiming an 80″ HDTV as a office expense seemed a little excessive. What do you think?
  5. Breast Pump.  The mother of the child above also wanted to deduct her breast pump as a childcare expense.

I could go on and on, but this truly isn’t news to any of you.  You probably already know someone who qualifies for the Earned Income Credit and drives a BMW M6 convertible and has enough bling on them to compete with Zales jewelers.

My point is that the income tax systems (Federal and State) requires I stay on my toes, with eyes wide open.  Therefore my deduction of my Colombian Supremo bean supply, commercial grinder and brewer are an immediate and necessary business expense.  Now if I could just find a way to deduct my wine and cellar maintenance expense.

Happy tax season taxpayers and fellow CPA’s. This is my 28th survival season. As for members of congress and politicians everywhere, may someone slip you a decaf.  That’s coffee chaos I’d love to watch on C-SPASTIC.

Coffee Chaos – March 2013 Edition (Cupcakes)

Coffee ChaosThe Monthly Journal

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

WARNING – Gratuitous Nudity Below

As you might have figured out this month’s blog posts were dedicated to cupcakes.  Why?  I haven’t a clue, somehow everything I read or heard this month was connected to cupcakes.  Don’t get me wrong, I applaud all the entrepreneurs that are cashing in on these little arts of flour and toppings.  But while I was researching this month’s topics I came across this!

starbucks-cupcakes

Is nothing sacred?  How can one desecrate a coffee cup and turn it into a cupcake cup?  I feel a caffeine induced riot in the making.  Although I never drink anything with toppings, can you imagine all the suckers who went to drink this and got nothing but a mini-me cake in the face? Outrageous!  When I buy coffee anywhere I open the lid to make sure it is nothing but Colombian Supremo dark gold.  No one goes and buys a pair of Levi jeans and then studs it with a variety of ribbons and gems, well, some cupcakes do, but not this plain vanilla guy.  Give me coffee straight, it does not need to be a work of art laced with 18,000 calories and enough sugar to rot my teeth. My dentist is already financially well off without more decay.

I am an investment advisor and I always try to stay abreast of the trends.  Does anyone remember the Easy Bake Oven for little girls?  I think those little girls are now the cupcake moguls of industry.  They were in their bedrooms playing with their Barbies and they had poor Ken, buck naked at the table. I always wondered what the ooh’s and ah’s were when I walked past my sisters bedroom.  Boy were they in for a big surprise.

ken-doll

Buck Naked “Braveheart” Ken

Along comes Corvette Barbie with a giant cupcake. Now Ken, who remains silent is the confronted by 50 Shades Barbie, who has a whipped cream and chain cupcake and tries her best to make him submit to her cupcake. Ken (aka Braveheart Barbie Boy Toy) is still resisting the frosted sugar bombs, when Starbucks Barbie comes along and introduces her coffee cupcake.

BarbieCupcake

Now at this point Braveheart Ken is still resisting the evil cupcakes until the trio begin talking about Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dancing with the Stars, Idol, The Voice, The View, Celebrity Splash, etc.  This was Ken’s breaking point and he screams, “Freeeeeedooooom.”  He shoves all three cupcakes down his throat and collapses. Now poor old Ken is thrown back into the toy box, buck naked and renamed Java The Hut Ken, where he still resides in a sugar induced coma.

Next the lovely Barbie trio from Hell pull out the newest Barbie boy toy – Armando De La Sontoro

ken344

Armando

The point of this rambling is that, well, actually there is no real point other than we seem to go all OCD on certain trends until we get so sick of it we run like lunatics to the next one.  First we girlify coffee, then cupcakes, and now bacon.  Nothing is sacred from these Martha Stewart clones. What happened to the simple world of my youth, where coffee was coffee, cupcakes were cupcakes, bacon was bacon, and hairy chest GI Joe’s smacked down nude Nair treated Ken dolls? We only had 3 TV channels and girls were forced outside to annoy the hell out of boys, hence the reason for 3,000 TV channels.

Chaos abounds everywhere, but only pure Colombian Supremo can bring us back to normalcy. Stay caffeinated my friends.