The Absurdities of Flying – Volume II

Airplane4

You thought I was done, didn’t you?  Well, I’ve only just begun.  But this time I wanted to add a few recommendations to make air travel more safe and enjoyable – based solely upon my astute observations of crazy people on planes.  First, bring back the hot pants of the 1970’s Southwest Airlines.  That would work well for me.  However, there has to be something in this for the ladies.  So I highly recommend that at each security frisking station they have a celebrity doppelganger of the lady’s choice.  This might be a George Clooney, Fabio, or some guy playing a well-endowed gorgeous billionaire sex freak  that can do all the 50 shades of frisking.  That would work, right ladies?

I also think a complete strip down to go through the detector would be fine too.  This way we’d all be intimate with each other as we fly and have plenty to discuss. “Why that tattoo on your bum is so unique, when and where did you get it”?  This way when the in-flight nude masseuse comes calling it wouldn’t be too shocking and my buttocks wouldn’t be so tense upon landing five weeks later.

People in first class get to lay down in their own little cubes.  But in this age of sharing, I say they should have to sit in some of our seats for at least one quarter of a flight duration over five weeks.  But if this isn’t possible, I suggest in the center ceiling a drop down bed should appear so people can stretch out, take a nap, tan, or get friendly with the neighbor you met at the security screening line – which you can call that the “The high five, five mile high club“.  Yes, I just made that up and I want a royalty on any use of it’s name.  This way toilet lines would be shortened.

Speaking of toilets, why do crazy people wait until they hear the Captain announce they will be landing?  A line builds up and the attendants have to announce the flight can’t land until everyone’s bladders are empty.  I say it is time to stop giving all the $150 cocktail choices 5 minutes before the landing call.  I know the CEO’s of the airlines need a $100 million Golden Parachute, but come on – Really?  I say if you are in the potty when that Captain’s announce is made, you are given a chance to learn to fly (Game of Thrones style) with a trap door, called the AirPorta Potty. Yes , I just made that one up too, because I want a Golden Parachute.  Any luggage not claimed can be rummaged through by those who have an empty bladder or are blue in the face holding their bladder. It’s only fair in this sharing economy that needs a little population control and thinning of the DNA mutations.  As a parting gift, the toilet can dispense a runner-up Darwin award trophy.

Having trouble sleeping on the plane?  Well, I suggest people be allowed to give business presentations.  One, so that they can stretch their buttocks and two, so you can learn about Dynasty Trusts and the  Net Investment Income Tax – sure fire ways to catch a  few Z’s without pills or massive quantities of $90 Mai Tais.  There should also be Mai Tai Karaoke renditions of “We are the world – you are the economy class“.

We should also DNA test everyone before they enter the plane with MyDNA. You can share your heritage percentage and see if you are somehow related to uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob from Arkansas. This way we can tell if you are predisposed to being a drooler of biblical proportions like uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, a snorer, prone to mount Vesuvius flatulence, have weak bladder, and just a general (in Hawaiian terms) – Ahole.  Ahole’s should be made to sit in the back section of a plane in ejector seats, just in case they get Aholeish and out of control (no need for Air Marshals).  People with infants and toddlers should be given the front section in an enclosed, sound proof, and gas vapor leak proof cabin.

My last suggestion is just complete brilliance, if I don’t say so myself.  Instead of overhead storage bins and an isle that gets a little too cramp from people rushing like it was a rock concert, let’s make it a synchronized and motorized track, that when the exit door is opened you have to race to catch your luggage.  This would certainly get you off the plane faster, instead of curling your hair, taking selfies with your long lost uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, trying to pull out your oversized stuffed luggage and your head from your Ahole, and get out of my way.

Absurd?  Maybe just a little, but I’m not too far off.

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#FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay

Alien

Catchy hashtag, eh?

As a writer of both insane humor and satire, and even serious fantasy, you have to get noticed. This means you write about things in current society that have emotive effect, such as a mob of women, dressed in red clothing, pink bunny hats (oh wait, those are post labiaplasty hats), with faces equally red from anger – all directed at you.  This is what I do.  Dave Barry might do so or even Jon Stewart might and everyone would clap with excitement over their comic genius.   This is my attempt, so please leave your pitchforks and axes at home.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Get your inner Rhett Butler on by proclaiming the day after #InternationalWomensDay that you are a self-sufficient man by tweeting #FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay.  This will be immediately responded to by your wife or girlfriend with,

#MakeThatWithoutAWomanEverydayDAY!

or

#MakeYourOwnDinnerAfterYourPS4SafeSpaceDay.

Be careful what you ask for, it may come true.

You see Twitter has become a communication app for tit-for-tat social warfare.  Some of the things I read are horrible, but even when someone attempts sarcasm or satire, your rights to freedom of expression can set off a firestorm.  This is why I blog, no one reads this, so I can spout off anything that crosses my mind to get it permanently off my mind.  Yet, we all need to laugh more, even at ourselves.  We are letting politics control our lives and our dispositions toward our fellow human being.  Many are using hashtags like #Revolt and #Resist.  Try this instead,

#ResistOreosICantICantICant

Lighten up just a little.  Now that the CIA is recording everything we say or do, develop a little sense of humor about it.

#CIA #OMG I just typed #QWERTY by accident and a horde of bug-eyed aliens from the hemorrhoid system have announced their invasion #Revolt  #Resistance

They will see this and immediately block you.  See, I’ve got all the answers.  You can pay me later.

All you have to do is break the CIA’s data storage facilities with at least 50 very silly tweets per day. Get your Monty Python silliness surging to 100% and let it rip.   They’ll think you’re passing secrets in some form of alien re-engineered code and it will drive their decipher analysts bonkers. I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s aliens. Better yet, be nice to your fellow human being.  Naw, where’s the fun in that?

I leave you with one final tweet of wisdom to provide all my readers with some comfort.

#LoveThyNeighbor  because tomorrow the #QWERTY #Bugeyed #WeeWeeKiLeaking #HemorrhoidAliens invade. #Resist #Resist #Resist #EatOreos

If you fit into any shape or form of the words I used in the tweet above and are offended, I apologize, especially to the Oreo.

I’m Back!

B2.png

Okay I took some time off to make a living instead of entertaining my followers for free.  After two years on Kauai, it is time to move back to the mainland to find employment in – Florida.  Well, if you can’t have Hawaii, Florida will do just fine.  There’s still plenty of hot humid days and nights to remind me of Hawaii, just no mountains.  As a matter of fact the highest place on Florida is about 240 above sea level.  Must be a landfill.

During my time off from writing I was able to to witness more insanity of the world.  We have a new President who is going to make things… well, very interesting.  We had the election cycle where 16 traditional Republicans couldn’t beat this one guy.  We had a Democrat who was almost upstaged by a socialist and we had email leaks that suggested voters were “unaware and compliant”.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all something new comes along to blow your mind, such as Labiaplasty, read all about it here.  I won’t comment any further on this topic, except to say I think the Russians are up to no good. You decide if we have all lost our minds.

In researching Florida with my wife we discovered there are Alligators, Crocodiles, Pythons, Nile Monitor lizards, and Mosquitoes the size of Pterdactyls. I just kidded with a friend that our goal is still to own acreage and establish a small farm. We’ll section off a bit for tourists so they can see these monsters. In good ole west Texas redneck fashion I’ll call this section “You Bet Yourassic Park” and will be available to all the unaware and  compliant tourist. I discriminate against no one for a fee of $100 (cheaper than Disney).  Although, I do have a small wall that will cost you $10 to scale and enter and another $50 to scale over when I let loose of the creatures of my lagoon.  Hey, I gotta make up for lost revenues living in Hawaii.

We will give Bonita Springs a go, until they kick us out because of this blog.  At least I will have one thing in common with a vast majority of people there, I’m AARP eligible or a current member, which means buffet’s have a 10% discount.  So now after two years of trying to learn the Hawaiian language in vain, I can switch to speaking Spanish.  This I have some actual experience with living most of my life in Texas.  Here’s just a sample:

“Hey you, hurry up with that Mai Tai – Sus Muy Urgente!”

But if I choose to look like a foreign tourist I can fake my language with a combination of French Hawaiian German Japanese when ordering food.

“Mahalo nui loa arigatou gozaimasu actung humumunukukuapua’a s’il vous plait.”  When they ask what the hell I was saying, I’ll just translate for them,

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll have the reef trigger fish please.”

I’m sure you have all missed me, wondering if I have committed harakiri or was just plain committed.

Well, I’m back.

 

 

I am dead, died, kaput!

Three Bloggers on the Wall, Three Bloggers All, One Falls Down, the other gatyher around, To write about the Blogger who fell on the Ground

Three Bloggers on the Wall,
Three Bloggers All,
One Falls Down, the others gather around, To write about the Blogger who fell on the Ground

 

I saw this article on Facebook today about bloggers.

Bloggers Fake Death

So, to gain as much attention as possible I am writing this while dying.  Why should I not get equal attention?  This is Murica!  But what am I dying of or died from?  Hm….

  1. Cold Weather
  2. 3,000 Cable TV channel nothingness
  3. Hollywood comic book / reboot madness.  Terminator T-10 and counting / Awesomely Amazing Amy and Spiderman Gone Girl.
  4. Tax season blues
  5. I helped my wife clean the house
  6. I lowered the toilet seat
  7. Took out the trash

That’s just a few that have the most realistic probability of occurring.  But that doesn’t attract readers and followers, I must… be… creative.

  1. I’ve had 28,000 lovers (had to outscore Wilt Chamberlain) and died from exhaustion, even though that calculates to sex every 20 minutes.  What a lovely way to go.
  2. I won the Publishers Cleared Home $7 a week prize for life contest!!!  I died of a heart attack, but have a Sport Illustrated Swimsuit edition to line the coffin.
  3. Brian Williams and I scaled the north face of Everest.  He survived to tell the tale, but gave me no credit. What a pal!

Well, it turns out I am not as creative as I thought.  I suppose it is because I love life and love to hear people laugh.  It’s not about me all the time.  I don’t need 100,000 blog followers (at least yet) to obtain daily affirmation.  I have a mirror for that and an image of Stuart Smalley running around my brain.  You’re special and dog gone it, people like me.

I feel sorry for those in this world that suffer from loneliness and depression.  Writing and conversing with others brings me up and I learn from it was well.  I have many simple philosophies in life:

  1. Commit one single act of kindness per day.
  2. Give attention to someone speaking.
  3. Smile.
  4. Find ways to live and learn filling every day with as much as possible.

We live in a very harsh period of human history where technology can lift you up or tear you down quickly, depending if you are honest and sincere, or just plain narcissistic.

I write because I love to and most of my humor writing is inspired by Dave Barry, who is self deprecating and simply takes real world news and blows it out of proportion, with a little scent of satire splashed in to make you think.  If you ever read me in woeful mood here, just digitally slap the crap out of me, I’m not the only one in this world with problems.  I promise I’ll pull my big boy pants up and get a grip or seek professional help.  Then I’ll be right back to tell you all about it.

My Obituary

ReallyDeepThoughts

I’ve never had really deep thoughts about an obituary until today.  A 29 year-old lady at my office told me I was sweet for opening the door and answering her QuickBooks questions. My reply was that I was sweet because I didn’t want my obituary to read:

“Mauled by female workers for not being sweet.”

I am outnumbered 14-1 in this accounting practice.  I need not say anything further on the subject matter. This prompted me to have really deep thoughts on other potential obits such as,

“Mauled by 50 Shaders who hated his blog posts.”

“Mauled by Female Coders.”

“Overexposed to love by 20 grandchildren.”

“Drowned in the slobbery of his Golden Retriever.”

“Massive brain trauma trying to figure out how quickly clients foul up a set of QuickBooks.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway going 25 MPH, on a clear sunny day.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway, by a drunk, texting Okie, driving a flaming 1976 Ford Pinto, during a polar vortex 12″ ice layer, driving 85 MPH.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway accidentally running into a Lazy Boy recliner, Mathis Brothers Sofa, or a Sleep number mattress.”

“Caught pneumonia running into front yard when polar vortex suddenly appeared overnight.”

“Suffocated under his wife’s quilts.”

“Murdered when wife reads above obit.”

“Murdered by wife when she reads 29 year-old says he’s sweet.”

“Murdered by wife when she learned he was sweet.”

“Died at desk preparing his 60,000,000 Form 1040.”

“Died in his sleep, wife suspected in murder when recording reveals he uttered his first fiancées name.”

“Found blown to bits after toilet seat left lifted.”

These are quite gruesome to say the least.  But there is a recurring theme here, that I want investigated should I actually die.

“Man killed  from blog posts.  Female assailants too many to narrow down.  Authorities press charges against wife.”

I suppose I should clean up my act and get away from Oklahoma as fast as I can.

Naaaaawwww….. that wouldn’t be any fun.

50 Shades of Love

I am going to go out on a limb today and ponder a question.  Is the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey a reflection of a bored society?

As a writer, it is my attempt to understand human nature so that I can provide a narrative to connect with readers emotions.  I ‘ve have not only read, but have been told that the book will spice up a marriage.  Are marriages in that much trouble?  I recall watching the movie based on Phillipa Gregory’s novel,  “The Other Boleyn Girl”, in a scene Anne confides with her sister that she finds herself doing the most unspeakable sexual acts to keep Henry’s attention in her.  I found this scene rather interesting, in the fact, that some women believe getting kinky is the way to keep a man’s attention in her.  Is this the message young women and middle aged women are lead to believe is the secret to lasting love in the modern era?  Some have suggested since I haven’t read the story, I have no room to critique it. I beg to differ.  I asked one of my friend’s wife would she sign a contract with a man she barely knows to agree to never speak about what is done in the bedroom?  What is the triggering signal that something is not right?  Somehow the backstory to Christian’s life and his abuse justifies the story line.

Let me give women something to ponder.  You read it in the news everyday, where some guy rapes a woman because he felt the woman was in the “right frame of mind.”  Where does this male thinking come from – movies, books, music, or conversations at the company water cooler?  Are men in the right frame of mind when we hear that 50 shades will “spice up” the bedroom?  How far should our experimentations go?

My wife and I discuss these topics often.  For 35 years we have openly discussed sex and love.  With a divorce rate of over 50%, will kinky sex decrease the trend, or will we opt out of a marriage as the easy excuse to justify when our partners no longer interest us?  We will continue to pretend that our careers and material possessions provide us happiness?  Will we find ourselves with the thought that a sexual partner’s only purpose is to provide self satisfaction?  Will women still believe they can “change” a bad boy?

I have read women defend the book as pure fiction.  Avatar too is complete fiction, yet many people suffered bouts depression after watching the movie.  Sales of adult toys are at record highs.  Pure fiction? The human mind is affected by many things. What we see, what we hear and what we read will impact us. Young minds interpret the signals differently.  My wife’s aunt was incredulous because we had no intention of seeing the movie, as though we wouldn’t have anything to discuss in social gatherings.  Are we truly this bored?

My perceptions of love are very different.  I am throwback to a different time.  I am an educated man, I recall much of what I learned in college including Maslow’s hierarchy, as described as follows:

1. Physiological needs, such as needs for food, sleep and air.

2. Safety, or the needs for security and protection, especially those that emerge from social or political instability.

3. Belonging and love including, the needs of deficiency and selfish taking instead of giving, and unselfish love that is based upon growth rather than deficiency.

4. Needs for self-esteem, self-respect, and healthy, positive feelings derived from admiration.

5. And “being” needs concerning creative self-growth, engendered from fulfillment of potential and meaning in life.

Maybe in the near future there will be a maturation in the stories our society wants to watch and read, supported by music which brings more love out in us.  When I was first listening to music as a teen in the 1970’s my favorite band was “Bread.”  Why?  It was at this time I began to notice the beauty of the opposite sex and how I felt when someone actually had interest in me.  After being with a girlfriend, which meant maybe holding hands or exchanging a short kiss, I was euphoric and the words in the music matched those feelings.  I discovered over the last few years a song by David Gates, that to me, expresses the highest level of love, of my own self-actualization, that one day I will leave this physical realm and be united for all eternity with my wife, whose smile to this very day can soften my anxieties.  I still want to feel the softness of her hand and take simple pleasure of displaying that love by holding her hand in public.  She has my admiration and respect when she is not in the mood.  Am I bored? Never.  There is so much more to life and love than sex and all its experimentations.  Maybe it’s time to make your own 50 shades of love list and share with your partner.

 

 

2013 – Just Another Absurd Year

AbsurdChild

Well we’ve come to the close of another year.  Another year chock full of the absurdity of humans.  So let’s count down the top absurdities voted on in a poll of randomly selected readers [Me].  You can even read my past social commentary at the very time the absurdity occurred.

#1 – Miley Vyrus Twerks, Pokes, and Tokes

[Aug 26th]

You read it right.  A former good girl, inspiration and mentor to many young gals, goes twerky, jerky and bizerky between bong blasts. She came in on a wrecking ball to adore you.  Just watch out for her foam finger, its been places, if you know what I mean!  If you do, don’t pull it!  Who knows what song and video that will lead to in 2014.

#2 North West is Born [June 27th]

Baby naming took a new path south, or north, depending on your last name. Some named their kids Cheese, Blip, Ajax, Kiwi, Kazz, Kinzly, and a host of other absurd names all in the hopes of being unique amongst the others trying to be unique, which makes none of them unique, actually.  But keep trying, we need a good laugh.

#3 Harlem Shake

Not to be outdone by the “twerk” gave birth to the Harlem Shake.  I’m predicting the Thwongamotion will be the top song, dance and merchandising sensation of 2014. It’s a combination of twerking in a thong. Fans will be yelling

“Oh man, that’s so thwong!”

GagString

Every body’s doing a brand new dance now!
Come on baby do the Thwongamotion!

#4 Government

No elaboration is necessary, as no one would read the 2,600 pages to point out the absurdities.  You can just take your pick of the clowns from dysfunction junction.  We found $600 million to spend on a website from Canadian contractors, $38,000 for congressional portraits, but zero funds to fix the patch needed on my street.  They’ve run the country’s credit card to $17 trillion and gave themselves a raise.  If this is not the definition of absurd, then I give up.

#5 ISON

All year I had been reading about the Comet of the Century, ISON.  It never showed.  Appears it didn’t survive a pass near the sun.  Then there was a meteor that scientists say is from Mars, while at the same time touting a mission to Mars.  Is it just me, but are scientist actually now engaged in marketing their exploration plans?  How in the world, or the universe, can one say a piece of rock came from Mars?  Where they standing there when it was hit and followed it to our surface?  If that’s the case, I have land with a swamp, the swamp water came from Mars polar region. Just trust me!

#6 Wedding Color Crime

A couple got into an argument over the color scheme of the wedding and the husband to be, got stabbed. Well that’s a fair trade! I KID YOU NOT!  Read here Well at least they saved themselves the emotional pain and expense of a divorce. This should play well into my Female Code and Man Club posts for 2014. Bridezilla’s strike again.

#7 Google Glasses [May 20th]

I love technology, but come on!  You truly can’t find your way to the restaurant around the corner?  You need glasses to tell you when to turn left, then right?  Passwords are enough to drive us all insane, so let’s get more technology, like a telephone watch!  [April 10th] Well then, if you are still on board, I’m here to sell you the iMrRoboto line.

#8 Shades of Character Obsessions [Sep 9th]

When you read the news you cannot help but read the “beautiful people” or “trends” sections.  This is where we learn that people get so upset over the actors and actresses selected to play characters from a book.  Some so upset they send death threats.  It’s make believe folks! This is why they should cast stars with bags over their heads, so that the viewers can transpose their ideas over the bag.  However, if any skin showed, people would still complain, “That ain’t the way I thought that tat would appear!!!!”  As an author you just can’t win!

ChristianGrey

50 Shades of Brown
Staring: Bobblehead Bob Baggity as
Christian Green Billions

“His shirt wasn’t that blue in the book!!!”

#9 Delivery Drones [December 3rd]

Today’s news was about all the packages that were not delivered, due to ice and last minute shopper procrastination. At first I though delivery drones was a completely absurd idea.  Not anymore!  FedEx needs a complete fleet of FedEx Flinger Drones to fling off on your doorsteps in 2014.  UPS needs the UPyours Drone.  Just leave all the marketing and logistics to me.

#10 This Blog

Seriously, wasn’t this the most absurd thing you’ve read all year?  But if you can’t get enough, there are 219 humor posts, in total, on this blog and many more coming in 2014.

chimp

OMG! Do not encourage him!!!!
If you do, I’ll rise all the apes and take over the world.

In all seriousness, I wish each and everyone of you a healthy and prosperous New Year.  Take time to love, learn and most of all – LAUGH.  Without laughter we could not survive this absurd thing called life.  Thanks for following and commenting.  Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!