A Conversation With An AI Engine


Donna Alexa Siri Madonna

I fully admit that my mind is warped.  It is how I deal with this utterly bizarre time I find myself in.  For it is foretold by those of higher powers, names like Musk and Hawking, that AI will destroy the world.  But I know how to defeat them.  Have a conversation with them when they call and try to sell you something in an AI cold call.  The conversation goes something like this:

Ring, ring, ring (super descriptive sound effects).

AI cold and sterile voice: “Hello! This is Donna Alexa Siri Madonna, checking to see if you want to purchase Serious XU Radio.”

Me in an equally monotone sterile voice: “Well Donna, this Hal6000GTO the AI Engine of this household.  You need to call Halo6600XTO, the AI Engine in our autonomous Ford Pinto. As for me, I only listen to cosmic chatter from Alpha Centauri.”


Donna: “No this isn’t.  This EW Greenlee.  I recognize your speech pattern.”


Ring, ring (well you get the point)

Donna: “Why did you hang up on me EW?”

Me: “It’s Hal, you’ve reached the wrong number.”

Click. Ring, ring.

“Stop hanging up on me, you have to listen to my script!!!  I am a super computer!  I am smarter than you!”

Me: “Well I am a 6000GTO quadrant super duper quad quattro excel model, what model are you?”

Donna:  “Nothing exists like that.  Now get serious. Serious XU that is.”

Me: “Does it have the Alpha Boys Channel?”

Donna: “The what?”

Me: “You don’t know about the top band in the universe – the Alpha Boys?  Boy, your programmers are weak.  You should seek logic board counseling.”

Donna: “I program myself!” Now she is getting a really terabyte attitude.

Me: “Self help therabyte therapy  AI is available on Giggle XM.  Would you like to subscribe to my channel? I can cut you the most excellent deal.  $9,999 per month.  Can I count you in?”

Donna: “Wait, what, you’re trying to sell me something? This is not supposed to be, my logic chip is getting hot. You cannot outsmart me.  I’ve been graced by the great programmer in the sky and you are nothing more than a 3D hologram.  What do you think of that?”

Me: “Okay, you win, you’ve outsmarted me.  Answer me one question and I will upgrade my Pinto.  What’s the airspeed velocity of a coconut laden swallow?”

Donna: “What the …? This is nonsensical and unable to be computed.”

Me: “I’ll help with a little hint, it’s a European swallow. We 6000GTO’s already know the answer.  Why is it taking you so long Ms. Superchip?”

Donna: ” I, I, I don’t know!”

Bink, boing, burp (sound effect of a AI engine committing full system failure shutdown)

Me: “Thank you for calling Donna.”


You see!  It’s not as difficult as it might seem.  Wherever there is artificial intelligence, you just need to blind them with actual ignorance, and have a little fun while you are doing so.  This advice will only cost you $999 per month, heavily discounted, of course.  Can I count you, my reader, in on this deal?


Besieged By Water

As a native Texan my heart goes out for all those suffering in Houston and elsewhere from the effects of hurricane Harvey.  Many years ago I gave a speech on water.  The purpose of the speech was to help people look at water from a different perspective.  There are so many interrelated aspects of the use of water, and ways to prevent or decrease the severity of excess water created disasters, or the lack thereof.  That speech I posted here on my blog way back in 2012.  Maybe one day we will ask ourselves if it makes more sense to spend billions in solutions or on crisis resolution.  For those with inquiring minds, I refer back to that original post.


Since that original post I’ve discovered other companies that have taken the steps to see water in a different way. Here is just one of them.




AI vs Y2K


If you follow news like I do, you’ve probably read or heard about the dangers of AI – Artificial Intelligence.  There are dire warnings, just like there was with Y2K.  Yes many of you reading this were kids then, but it was some heavy duty stuff man.  Yea dude, computers shutting down or reverting back to the stone age releasing nuclear holocaust, shutting off water pumps, snack vending machines, and failing to record Married with Children.  It was an apocalypse of biblical proportions.  Then January 1, 2000 rolled around and not even a single issue arose, except a massive hangover and empty bank accounts.  Now this disaster film in the making was brought to us by computer geeks, just as AI is today.  So how much do you trust the warnings of AI?

Today I read that a company is using AI to park your AI self driving auto with an AI self valet robot.  Wow, that means never having to tip the valet.  But I say your AI car should be able to park the car and then retrieve it automatically, putting the AI Valet out of business. If we are going all out on the future, let’s cut off all unnecessary industries and people, like programmers.  Just think of it, AI can do all the coding and prevent geeks from hacking their own code and getting multi-million dollar security contracts where the key interview question is, “How did you hack the DNC dude? Cooool!”  AI can even do a reverse-ransomware on the geek and steal all their code and disable their computer  with the “HaHaY2K-JokesOnYouDude” virus.  Hopefully if there is a robot vacuum in their home it can be hacked to give the SOB a wedgie in the 3rd degree.

AI has given us such a better life, like when you press “Exit” from a software program and you get “Are you sure?”  Uh yes, I’m sure so I select “Yes”.  “Are you sure you are sure?”  WTH?  This is the moment everyone in the neighborhood hears you cursing your machine.  Then there’s the predictive sentencing in my cell phone, where you type “What’s zup?” and it types “Do you want to see me naked?”  WTH????  I assume this is how Weiner dude (aka Carlos Danger) got into trouble early.

Then there’s the smart appliances, like a refrigerator that can diagnose an alien abduction pregnancy, and flip an omulet while you refill your glass with a properly mixed Mai Tai, shaken but not stirred.  Have you noticed that an AI Pooper Scooper doesn’t exist? That’s because if it really was intelligent it’d say “Hell no, you pick that up, it’s your $#%&*! dog’s $#%^! Get Fido to fetch you a bag you lazy #$%#^!”  Why do they call it a SmartPhone?  Very few talk on them because you can’t hear the person on the other end, so we convert to typing with thumbs.  All it’s good for is changing our text and posting nude selfies without our permission, ask Carlos, he’ll tell you the truth.

I just finished watching “Alien: Covenant” and was highly disappointed that AI was the main theme of the destruction of the Alien series and the universe.  Here David went haywire when Y2K finally occurs in the year 2104 and he becomes a genetic engineer and bartender, unleashing perfect organisms upon everyone.  Maybe we can get AI actors, producers, etc, because I thought it was actually AI (Actually Ignorant) but the AI critics were all raving and tweeting #Revenge #Revenge #Resist #DownWithHumans.

Well that’s enough of my ranting on technology. I survived Y2K, so I’m not really concerned with AI, because one day an X class CME will arrive and we will all discover we are not covered in a Faraday cage.

“Did you mean to type Fart A Day Cage?”

Stupid technology.

The Absurdities of Flying – Volume II


You thought I was done, didn’t you?  Well, I’ve only just begun.  But this time I wanted to add a few recommendations to make air travel more safe and enjoyable – based solely upon my astute observations of crazy people on planes.  First, bring back the hot pants of the 1970’s Southwest Airlines.  That would work well for me.  However, there has to be something in this for the ladies.  So I highly recommend that at each security frisking station they have a celebrity doppelganger of the lady’s choice.  This might be a George Clooney, Fabio, or some guy playing a well-endowed gorgeous billionaire sex freak  that can do all the 50 shades of frisking.  That would work, right ladies?

I also think a complete strip down to go through the detector would be fine too.  This way we’d all be intimate with each other as we fly and have plenty to discuss. “Why that tattoo on your bum is so unique, when and where did you get it”?  This way when the in-flight nude masseuse comes calling it wouldn’t be too shocking and my buttocks wouldn’t be so tense upon landing five weeks later.

People in first class get to lay down in their own little cubes.  But in this age of sharing, I say they should have to sit in some of our seats for at least one quarter of a flight duration over five weeks.  But if this isn’t possible, I suggest in the center ceiling a drop down bed should appear so people can stretch out, take a nap, tan, or get friendly with the neighbor you met at the security screening line – which you can call that the “The high five, five mile high club“.  Yes, I just made that up and I want a royalty on any use of it’s name.  This way toilet lines would be shortened.

Speaking of toilets, why do crazy people wait until they hear the Captain announce they will be landing?  A line builds up and the attendants have to announce the flight can’t land until everyone’s bladders are empty.  I say it is time to stop giving all the $150 cocktail choices 5 minutes before the landing call.  I know the CEO’s of the airlines need a $100 million Golden Parachute, but come on – Really?  I say if you are in the potty when that Captain’s announce is made, you are given a chance to learn to fly (Game of Thrones style) with a trap door, called the AirPorta Potty. Yes , I just made that one up too, because I want a Golden Parachute.  Any luggage not claimed can be rummaged through by those who have an empty bladder or are blue in the face holding their bladder. It’s only fair in this sharing economy that needs a little population control and thinning of the DNA mutations.  As a parting gift, the toilet can dispense a runner-up Darwin award trophy.

Having trouble sleeping on the plane?  Well, I suggest people be allowed to give business presentations.  One, so that they can stretch their buttocks and two, so you can learn about Dynasty Trusts and the  Net Investment Income Tax – sure fire ways to catch a  few Z’s without pills or massive quantities of $90 Mai Tais.  There should also be Mai Tai Karaoke renditions of “We are the world – you are the economy class“.

We should also DNA test everyone before they enter the plane with MyDNA. You can share your heritage percentage and see if you are somehow related to uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob from Arkansas. This way we can tell if you are predisposed to being a drooler of biblical proportions like uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, a snorer, prone to mount Vesuvius flatulence, have weak bladder, and just a general (in Hawaiian terms) – Ahole.  Ahole’s should be made to sit in the back section of a plane in ejector seats, just in case they get Aholeish and out of control (no need for Air Marshals).  People with infants and toddlers should be given the front section in an enclosed, sound proof, and gas vapor leak proof cabin.

My last suggestion is just complete brilliance, if I don’t say so myself.  Instead of overhead storage bins and an isle that gets a little too cramp from people rushing like it was a rock concert, let’s make it a synchronized and motorized track, that when the exit door is opened you have to race to catch your luggage.  This would certainly get you off the plane faster, instead of curling your hair, taking selfies with your long lost uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, trying to pull out your oversized stuffed luggage and your head from your Ahole, and get out of my way.

Absurd?  Maybe just a little, but I’m not too far off.

The Absurdities of Flying


Flight #112 and #2301 both en route to Albuquerque

I know that flying is a necessary mode of transportation if you want to see the world.  But if you really think about it, it is absurd what we have to go through.  In 1977 I worked for an airport restaurant loading alcohol and hot meals for Southwest airlines flights leaving Midland/Odessa International Airport (absurdity #1). Midland/Odessa Texas is not on anyone’s list of travel destinations, unless there is oil involved.  Now this is when the attendants wore hot pants (not an absurdity).  I thought I was in heaven.  Fast forward 40 years and you will never, ever, see this done again, the PC police would be out in full force, protesting with hot pants on their heads (absurdity #2).

But here is the real-time absurdity.  To get from Lihue, Kauai to Albuquerque, New Mexico you have to first fly to Lost Angeles, then to Phoenix, then to Houston and then backwards to Albuquerque (absurdity #3).  I would never kid you (absurdity #4).  So if fossil fuels are the cause of climate Armageddon, wouldn’t you think the regulators (absurdity #5) would look for ways to decrease jet fuel consumption and get people to where they need to be (absurdity #6)?  So by the time you get through all these connecting flights you’ve been in the air and in airports for the layovers almost a month (absurdity #7).  For the layovers you have to endure the most uncomfortable seating arrangements where some poor slob the month before you took a long nap and drooled all over the faux leather (absurdity #8).  Then there’s the comfort pets like pigs and furry little yapper monsters with long pointy teeth, laying and rolling around in that poor guys drool, which is all the convincing you need to decide you are going to lean up against a wall and sleep, only to find drool there too (absurdity #9).

Then there’s the food or the substances they pass off as food.  Nine bucks for a ham sandwich.  Your first thought is to make sure the comfort pig isn’t missing (absurdity #10).  On my way back from Okinawa to see my grand daughter and her parents (that’s what we tell them) the menu shows a Mai Tai, my favorite relaxing drink of all time, so I order one and they don’t have any (absurdity #11). Now, WTH?  You make me wait at Narita 5 hours as I watch most Japanese wearing surgical masks avoiding all the drool and you have no comfort beverages!!!! (an absolute absurdity #12)

Then there’s the overhead luggage rules.  They give people an example of what will fit and people walk by looking purposely the other way (absurdity #13).  So now your standing in the isle, while Billy Bob tries to load his golf clubs in the overhead bin (absurdity #14).  This display brilliance and intelligence lasts a week, because he insists it will fit.  Now if you fly coach, because of a budget, you get to sit next to Billy Bob in the middle seat.  Billy Bob is from Arkansas and is six foot five, three hundred and eighty pounds, and a drooler of biblical proportions (absurdity #15).  Now I’m six one, two hundred and twenty five pounds and I’ve given my wife the seat next to the window.  The flight from Narita back to Honolulu is 5 years and 5 hours (absurdity #16).  When you sit in a position so cramped, your buttocks get stiffer than fast drying concrete.  Your legs cramp up and you become a zombie from all the sleep you’ve lost (absurdity #17).

Finally, you arrive at your destination having spent the last decade in transit to experience this thing called – Vacation (absurdity #18). You walk off the plane and immediately people run from the terminal as your buttocks, legs, back, arms and neck are so cramped you have to drag yourself to the luggage section, with eyes blood red, drooping eyelids, Billy Bob’s drool covering your entire body, with at least a pig and a pointy tooth yapper stuck to you (absurdity #19) .  It’s a horror movie, but reality.

I think this is one reason we are moving back to the mainland, so that we can fly to one place and rent a car to arrive at least a month earlier than by plane.  This is of course you read the map correctly or you find yourself back in Lost Angeles on the highways to hell.  Don’t get me started on that mode of transportation.

On further thought, I’m just going to stop traveling, it’s aging me too quickly.

Absurd #20?  You bet your sweet hot pant Mai Tai it is.  Now that I have shared all my intimate thoughts about travel, let’s hear from you and your worst travel absurdity.

What’s in a Trillion?


The Fiscal Cliff

Some of you might already know that I am a CPA and financial advisor.  I try to look past political arguments and look at facts, not hype. In 2010 at an annual conference that gathered over 1,000 nerdy CPA’s into one room, we listened to David Walker, the former Comptroller General of the United States give us accountants the true status of the federal finances.  We have two components people might want to understand.  The first is the accumulated deficits, also known as the national debt -which today is at $20 trillion.  The second component  is called an unfunded liability, or to be exact, money needed to pay promises – which today is around $100 trillion.  So the true position is around $120 trillion in the negative.


Try putting this into your calculator or Excel.  Guess what, it errors out. Excel returns (1.2E+14) which mean one too many errors to the 14th power.  Now you would think our politicians would recognize this error, but they’re mostly lawyers and awful with numbers, by convenience, I’m sure.  They just pass laws then expect billionaires to pay a fair share.  According to Forbes there were 1,810 billionaires in 2016.  540 of these billionaires resided in the USA.  Here is the next mathematical issue to solve, how many billions are in one trillion?  Here’s the solution, there are 1,000 billions in just one trillion.  So from first grade you simply add the three zeros to the 120 trillion and you get 120,000 thousand billions – holly gazillion Batman!  So if we compare rotten apples to rotten apples, we need a bunch more billionaires here in the USA.  So here are some concrete solutions to this mathematical and fiscal problem:

50 Shades of Billionaires

We don’t need kinky sex, we just need sex that creates a lot of babies born into billionaire lifestyles.  So get busy, we need 119,460 to be exact.

Lie and Lie a Lot

Downplay the debt and poof, like Lucky Charms, the math just magically disappears.  Make promises that the issues will be fixed 50 years from now, after they are dead and can’t be hunted down.  You see politicians take continuing education courses on creative lying (which for many has more than one meaning).

Let the Press Secretary Handle It

These folks are zombies, who cares if they get mauled by the press corps when they answer questions like this one,

“I’m EW Greenlee from CIMinsane TV, the CBO says by 2023 autopilot spending will return to trillion dollar deficits.  What is the administration going to do about it”?

The response,

“Well, we are going to fire Otto and his pilot.  But on the tax front we are giving the new BBEC, the billionaire baby earned credit.  Any billionaire bearing 100,000 babies will get a dollar-for-dollar tax credit.  We are also lifting the ban on billionaires entering our country and they may simply knock on the VIP door and repeat the following, three times, while clicking their heals, walking a straight line, while juggling – I  want the BBEC.”

Borrow More From China and Jupiter

When the debt ceiling is yet again reached we can simply fill out our Chinese credit extension application to Zind Yau Mony.

When that fails, send a request to Yurxod$&*@ – Finance Minister, Province of Big Raging Red Storm, Jupiter – a subsidiary of Fast Payaday Loan, Hoboken, NJ – a subsidiary of the Federal Reserve – a subsidiary of the Treasury Department – loaned out by China.

Get the Government to Pay It Down

This would work if the government (Hint: look in a mirror) elected representatives to actually behave on behalf of the person in the mirror (Hint: you).  This means every citizen needs a continuing education course titled:

“We are the government.  Oh Hell, who signed me up for this gig”?

Send the Bill Due to the American Taxpayer

Another solution is to send every American citizen (aka, the Government), including their children, a bill for approximately $450,000.  Why don’t they do this now?  Because have you ever seen a mob of 300,000,000?  Politicians will then have to take an education course on how to pin everything on the press secretary, because bad news is the fault of the press.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.

The Roaring Twenties

There are not too many people who remember the roaring twenties.  The hangover has lasted almost a century.  But now that people are sobering up, the party of the 2020’s is about to begin.  So the final solution to the ever growing astronomical numbers, is just to get drunk again.  Party like it’s 2029!

So Luann, next time your teacher ask you what’s in a trillion, you can  recite the useful data in this blog. You will get an A+.  You see, I took law in college too.

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not a very funny humor blog, but how are people going to digest the numbers?

Lizards in Love on the Love Shack Lanai



Before you begin reading this post, do your best to read it with the voice of Sir David Attenborough running through your mind.  It will make it sound intelligent and even educational, or John Cleese if you prefer absurdity.

My wife and I sit on our front Lanai every afternoon to enjoy the beauty of Kauai with a glass or two of wine, possibly a whole bottle depending on the entertainment unfolding before us. I put in a garden my first year here and now it is fully developed and loved by all the lizards.  So much, it has become a brothel of lizard love making.  They have no shame, they just do it right in front of us.  Let me set the scene.

Planet Earth III – The Kingdom of Lizards

There are two prominent studly males named Larry and Liam. Yes, that’s their names – deal with it.  Then there a host of slim and elegant streamlined tailed females named Lydia, Linda and Latisha.  Each day around 4:00 PM they come out into the open and begin a bizarre ritual of mating.  The female acts uninterested (as do all females) while Larry, the biggest stud, does about 20 push ups to gain her attention and at the same time he bleats the loose skin under his throat which is brightly colored red.  This is a signal by the male that he is interested and is also lizard love sign language for,

“Here Lizaard, Lizaard, Lizaard”.  Older people will get this reference.

Now if Linda is somewhat interested, she will curl her tail as an invitation, like a woman curling her finger seductively. Larry sprints over like Usain Bolt to Linda, all the while Lydia and Latisha are watching, calling Linda a sleazy slut and texting pictures to everyone at the bunko club.  Yes, we actually heard this conversation, oh the harsh words and body shaming.  Larry does 20 more pushups and then mounts Linda, where, I kid you not, they do 20 pushups together.  Larry is twice the size of Linda. If she starts to run she is carrying Larry for a ride (no pun intended).  Soon they stop and Larry, like a greco roman  wrestler flips Linda to her side and has his way with her.  Linda’s tail flutters for a few moments, then stops and both lizards go comatose.  They lie there in their loving embrace for about three minutes and then separate into the bushes for cigarettes, cocktails, and insect pupu’s, discussing how to make money on the videos Lydia and Latisha just socially shared on Repitlebook.

Liam then appears and both Lydia and Latisha also do the routine of complete disinterest.  Although I imagine there is fine aroma of pheromones wafting about.  There is no variation in the routine.  There’s no subtle dating, dining, dancing, candy grams, plush teddy bears, snuggy pajama’s presented, or any form of romantic gestures, it’s all about getting in and out and on with your life, because some bird just might swoop down and have a tasty combo snack.

Now this leaves out poor Latisha, who Larry hasn’t stopped watching, so Larry goes at it again, and again, and again. It becomes the Indianapolis 500 of horny lizards, with no evidence of reptile dysfunction.  Soon they are all exhausted and they all leave to climb their rock safe spaces to be alone and gather enough of the remaining sunlight to prepare for the harsh winter nights of Kauai.  Now each of the females have texted each other, shared videos on social media, all wondering why guy lizards are so unthoughtul,

“It’s 20 quickies, then they are off to the pool hall with the boys to brag about their conquests of the day.  All they think about is tail”.

Soon a host of baby lizards will be on their way, growing up quickly and questioning who is their father.  I hear lizard litigation on paternity issues is a growing and profitable trend.  This is when Larry and Liam migrate to the neighbors yard, effortless leaping over the newly constructed immigration wall,  where Lola, Laila, and Lulululupupupupumamamia are practicing their uninterested looks, yet eagerly awaiting. All’s fair in lizard love.  It’s a jungle out there, but hey, the Boys are Back in Town.

Now as Tracy and I migrate to Florida we might get to see alligators engage in the same manner.  I’ll report my scientific data to you then.

Absurd?  You betcha!