Just Chillin

Chillin

Whoever said, “like father like son,” was a genius.  Except now it is like grandfather, like father, like son.  Here is a weekend photo of the Greenlee men just chillin out, as my son would say, on a hot Saturday afternoon.  My generation might call it hanging out or hanging loose.  Who knows what my grandson will call it, but this is as priceless a generational picture as one could take.  My daughter took this photo with her Canon EOS Rebel T3i.  If she wanted to be, she could become a photographer, she’s got talent.

The weekend before the water was too cool and our grandson decided to anoint our bed when his dad allowed him to go Full Monty just a little too long between diaper changes.   That’s okay, I did the same with my son, in fact, one time as I was acting like all witless father’s do and while cooing my son, I was anointed in the face – like grandfather, like father, like son.

My readers need to put on Ray Ban sunglasses to keep from going blind, because we are three of the whitest white men you will ever see .  I am so pale  that my  grandson had to put on his Baby Ban sports shades.  Now, is that a hip grandchild or what?  Now notice the genetic inclination to place our right hands behind our necks? Like grandfather, like father, like son.  And how about that float?  Top class, eh?  It’s part of the grandparent oath to spoil their grandchild rotten.  One day he’ll ask daddy for a BMW and when he says no, I’ll remind my son of the floatie his grandpappy bought for him.  Am I rotten or what?

As one gets older we refer back to photos such as these.  One day I’ll be much older.  My son will be in the prime of his career and my grandson will be chasing some  young pretty lady.  They won’t have much time on their busy schedules (sniff, sniff) for poor old papa. A tear will come to my eyes about the days the Greenlee men trio were just chillin and grillin together.  Then I will pull out this photo and show to my grandson’s girlfriend,

Chillin2

My mother always said you need to live long enough to become a burden on your children and grandchildren.  I’ve decided to start early and embarrass him now – in front of my world wide audience. He’ll be so embarrassed he’ll become a monk and save himself much grief later on.  Oh by the way, he doesn’t have to pay any fees into the man club – there’s a nepotism clause.

Hey – just chill out!  I didn’t go the Full Monty with him.  That’s later!

Today, please love a child, a grandchild or any child who looks like they just need someone to smile at them.  They are precious gifts that supply lifelong unforgettable memories, laughs and smiles.

Just when you thought you had seen it all – North West

“I love the name ‘North.’ I’m pro-North, absolutely,” she said. “The way Kimwimmy explained it to me, north means highest power, and North is their highest point together. I thought that was really, really, really northernly sweet.”

When we stepped into the new millennium did  people’s brains just suddenly collapse?  Everyday I read of something even more bizarre than the bizarre day before it.  Naming babies has become a daily social media event.  Khalessi [Game of Thrones] is being snatched up like hotcakes [ooh… good name].

May I introduce our new daughter, Hotcakes Hollybush Horton. It’s a long sorted story, will you buy it for $1 million?

It appears anything and I mean anything goes these days.  Even more amazing is the justification for the action, such as

North means highest power.

I had to look this up in the dictionary, just in case I had lost my mind on its meaning.  I couldn’t find such a meaning anywhere.  Then,

North is their highest point together.

Again, I am not really sure what point she was trying to make.  Maybe you need a Kardcashinonit Kode Book (A $1,999 Value, including Kimwimmy’s photos and sex tape) to truly understand this Northern West Southeast Krew. Whew….. Why not name the baby NorthByNorth West?  That would sound so nostalgic and classy Cary Grant like?  Class – a word no longer found in the dictionary.

chimp

Geez Mon! Please tell me I’m not related.

Today I was at the bank when a teller greeted a customer she thought was pronounced as Karen, when the customer said her name was Kareen. When the teller repeated Karen, the customer got irate.   I am beginning to think that people are naming their kids so that name calling can take place and a lawsuit filed for a hate crime against names.  Kareen just might win a big settlement for emotional distress.

This is why you need Big Bollocks Bobby’s Bountiful Bouncing Baby Naming and Emotional Distress Lawsuit For Dummies  Book (A $19.99 value – just for $19.98. Bobby will throw in a few nude photos of himself too!)

Big Bollocks Bobby

Big Bollocks Bobby

Here you will find the proper names to Kash in on, just like the Kardcashinonits!  Bobby’s parents did! Here’s just a sample with names like,

Pruneface Parkinglot Pruitt

Pruneface Poopalot Pruitt

Belly South West

Belly South West Butt High PowerPoint North Smith

See what I mean?  None of it makes a damn bit of sense, but you are sure to be the talk of the town [15 minute guarantee.]  We also guarantee your child’s name will be so picked on by fellow students that you can settle emotional distress lawsuits from preschool all the way to their PhD’s.  Why work, let your kid’s name do it all for you?  Learn everything the Kardcashinonit way!! Just order Bobby’s bestselling DIY handbook – How to pay for your child’s education and do nothing for it!

Absurd?  You bet, every single day of the new millennium. Uh oh, I’ve just been summoned. What name have you read or heard lately that should make for an easy emotional distress lawsuit?

Coffee Chaos – June 2013 Edition (Boobie Booze)

baby-bottle

My grandson has great lungs.  Whenever he is ready to eat he is going to let you know.  His mom is breast feeding and while my wife watched him for a short period of time, I had forgotten how hilarious it was to watch infants eat.  They scream bloody murder to let you know they are hungry, but the instant the plastic nipple is in their mouth it’s heavenly satisfaction.  Shortly after consuming the contents they fade into a comatose state as though they had been drinking booze. Then they pass out for 30 minutes to an hour so you can catch up on coffee consumption.  This why I refer to this month’s edition as Boobie Booze, just because the words Boobie and Booze will get me 16 trillion hits.

It is also the same reaction I have each morning when taking my first sip of Colombian Supremo.  I’ll be grumpy, but the second the rim of my insulated mug hits my lips, I’m in heaven, like an infant the moment they taste the Boobie Booze.  But for me it’s the opposite effect, I go from the comatose state to, “Ready Eddie Action Hero.” Although my wife states it more like, “The Chatty Cathy Doll from Hell.”  Now I ask you readers is that loving, honoring and cherishing?

This last month our credit card was hacked, which means we had to get a new card so that our coffee bean company [Coffee for Less – a gratuitous plug]  could deliver our life sustaining inventory of the gift of the gods. This also meant we ran out before the beans arrived.  This is when I wanted to cry and a grown man crying is a truly pathetic sight.  The very day our beans arrived, our daughter accidentally turned off the hot water supply to our Bunn brewer.  Hadn’t I been tortured enough?  This was a true coffee chaos moment.

To end this post, if you are looking for conversation with friends or relatives who have infants, just brew come coffee, pull out the Boobie Booze and enjoy the sweetness of a comatose infant. Not all moments in life should be filled with coffee chaos.

Surely you have a story you’d like to share.

The Other “F” Word – Cute Litte Babies (They Grow Up)

BabyFart

That Came From Me?

Have you ever wondered why flatulence from babies are so funny and lovable, but not adults?  I do, because its discrimination I tell you.  I am in a discriminated class of citizen and I demand my rights!!!  I digress as usual.

My grandson just turned four months old a few weeks ago.  He is one cute boy.  Even his poo and gas are cute merely from the facial and body motions he makes.  He grimaces, clinches his fist and stretches out like Superman getting ready to launch.  Then he launches the raunchy.  GiGi (my wife) then gets the call of dooty duty.  Sorry, I did my time with my two kids.  I didn’t have them so that I could relive those moments with their kids, no matter how cute they are. Their generation has to get their hands dirty like the rest of mankind’s history.  And their ain’t no app for that.

I can make faces too if people want. Would that help?  Maybe we need a flatulence facial alarm system.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.  Little subtle facial expressions to forewarn people of the coming doom and gloom.  Babies do it!  We just fail to recognize the facial alarm signals.  Here are two I clearly recognize.

BabyFart2

Tummy Time Turbo Turbulence Alarm

BabyFart4

Gerber Peas and Broccoli Alarm

Now aren’t they just precious?  They almost remind me of Gollum trying to solve a riddle in the dark.  Why should babies be allowed to have all the fun and cuteness?

Even politicians do it.  They hold all the power in the world in their hands and sometimes in their bowels.

BabyFartGore

An Inconvenient Truth Alarm

bush_fart

The W – WMF Alarm

Stars do it.  They make millions being uncouth and disgusting.

StarFarts

Passing Out Passing Alarm

StarFart2

Just About Bustin Out Justin Alarm

Why should the ordinary masses be precluded from doing it?  We have every right to pass gas and have a gasser of a laugh.

FartFace1

One Haggis Too Many Alarm

BabyFart3

Triple Flutter Blast Alarm

I write to make people think and to make people laugh.  We do too little of this in these days and times. I urge you to slow down, turn off the TV and go out in public.  Use your smartphones to take photos of people whose faces are giving off alarms.  Then laugh about them in private. Oh, and then send me the photos.  There is surely a face that needs a new alarm name.

Female Code – March 2013 Edition (Baby Race Cupcake Festival)

Pregnant

It’s All Your Fault Cupcake Festival
Notice the Warrior Wedge Formation

As I have notified my two readers before, I am approaching 54 years on this blue ball.  Writing allows me openly discuss my observations of people.  Now I take these observations to extremes for the sake of a laugh, or two.  What I have noticed lately is the newest race, the baby race.  It is said that for our youngest generation to have enough social security, they need to get busy producing babies, and a lot of them, at least 50 per woman.

Danni the Deranged

This is going on in Japan and Russia too, it’s not just an American issue.  Many of you ladies, well except the one above, are getting into the patriotic spirit.  You are also very enterprising (more like devious).  I recently read that cupcake sales globally are at an all time high.  That’s great; dentist, orthopedic surgeons, dialysis centers, home elevator, and ScooterAround manufacturers thank you for your future business.  However, there seems to be a cupcake festival for just about every occasion,  for example:

  1. Creation Cupcake Festival – this is where you invite all your female friends to announce the legally binding intent to procreate.  You bake 60 dozen cupcakes for the occasion, but as soon as the announcement is made, all your lady friends frantically flee to their own homes for the procreation race. We men, never knew what hit us.  You are then left with the 60 dozen and the man bloats to the size of a small sperm whale.
  2. 50 Creams Seduction Cupcake Festival – this were the man is tricked with a really great tasting bacon topped cupcake, and a cupcake trail that leads to the bedroom, where his cupcake is winking at him, all bare and frosting free.
  3. Gender Reveal Cupcake Festival – Girl, Boy, Gerbel – it doesn’t matter it’s just another occasion to eat cupcakes and gossip. A great time to show off baby bumps and lumps.
  4. Gabby’s Grab Bag Garage Sale and Cupcake Festival – that’s right, Gabby, your older friend has some really cool baby stuff 50% off.  Yet another time for gossip and a gradually growing trend of wondering how this all happened.
  5. The VISA is overloaded Cupcake Festival – this is from all the home remodeling, Gabby’s never ending garage sale, and Baby’s-R-Us visits, Oscar de La Renta baby wear and matching Coach purse, and of course, cupcake consumption.  The international bankers association thanks you.
  6. Happy Hurling Cupcake Festival – this is the party where in the first trimester of pregnancy all the ladies ingest a dozen cupcakes and then talk about all the hurling they’ve done.  They also talk about their bizarre cupcake cravings like dill pickle filled cupcakes, or haggis toppings. I personally try to sneak in on the bacon topped ones, only to be swatted away like a fly.
  7. Genes Donor Appreciation Cupcake Festival – this is the only one where we, the loving husbands and fathers to be, are ever invited.  Just a small token of appreciation during the procreation phase.
  8. It’s All Your Fault Cupcake Festival – this is when cupcake sales are at their highest, the period where we men are now to be blamed for all of life’s problems.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the mob of angry women above, notice the absence of baby bumps with the replacement by a baby boob.
  9. Does my Belly Look like a Boob Cupcake Festival – whatever you do men, for your own sake, make no mention of muffin tops. If you do, your procreation days are numbered.
  10. Baby Shower Cupcake Festival – a festival to revel in the gifts the little darling cupcake will outgrow in a week, while 99.999% of your minimum VISA payment goes to interest and you receive the nice little statement showing you might be able to pay it off at the beginning of the next millennium.
  11. Labor of Love Cupcake Festival – in the delivery room all the nurses, the OB/GYN, parking attendants, etc. share in the splendor of birth.  The guy just gets to digitally record it for the future.
  12. Circumcision Cupcake Festival – right before Junior is allowed to go home there is that final celebration.  Who invented circumcision?  Was this Eve’s way of getting even with Adam and the reason Cain was so, so unhappy?
  13. Poopy Diaper Cupcake Festival – this is the festival where ladies get together to discuss how their brave men gagged and hurled from diaper changes. They think it’s quite funny.  Well, so do I.  Here’s a sample of the bravest men you’ll ever witness.

Wussy’s – what a disgrace! Well I could go on and on at the various opportunities to have a cupcake festival, but then everyone would stop reading.

By this time, everyone is on a sugar high that will not wind down until the dawn of the next century. A few months pass and after a trillion cupcake loaded diapers are changed, it then turns into a year.  That’s when one of your wife’s friends talks baby cupcake procreation race nonsense again.  You walk into the kitchen to see the stockpile of ammunition and as you turn to run away, you notice a trail of your favorite bacon topped cupcakes leading down the hall and there your cupcake is, all bare and frosting free – again. You struggle to resist, but the makin bacon opportunity is calling you.  You realize your doom and that all hope is lost.  So you lovingly submit.

BaconCupcake

Men, cupcakes are evil!

Cupcake

Alright ladies, be the defender of your gender. What’s up with all the cupcakes?

Joy to the World – My Grandson has Come

Papa

Loyal readers,

I will be taking a few days off to enjoy one of life’s greatest moments. The miracle of life and birth. Having a grandchild for the first time is a joyous occasion.  There is much celebrating to do.  Having your son produce a son is even more special.  It means the line of the Greenlee’s will continue, at least for one more generation.  Born on 12/12/12 he was given the name of Brogan Pierce.  I think the name is worthy of a future all-American linebacker at the University of Oklahoma.  He has the genes of his great grandfather, who was part of the 1950’s OU teams that won 47 straight.  His father and mother are both OU graduates.  His dad an accountant, his mother a dental student, both blessed with outrageous good looks.  Brogan will be a cover model and a linebacker. He will most likely dodge tackles by future amorous females.

I look forward to telling him tall tales and taking him on imaginary journeys.  At first I joked about being referred to as the “Grand Poopah”, or “His Royal Highness King Edward of Norman”, but Papa will suffice.  He will need strong men and mentors in his life who can guide him on morals, ethics, and how always to be a gentleman. I am up to the task that grand parenting holds for me.  We will laugh, we will be silly, and each moment I promise you dear Brogan will be special. So today I celebrate the joy in this world and the arrival of the next generation of family.

Female Code – Baby Olympics September Edition

I was involved, against my will, in a conversation with my pregnant daughter-in-law, daughter and wife about our upcoming grandchild.  It was in that conversation that I learned another female friend of my daughter-in-law wanted to be the first to announce a pregnancy.  My daughter had already announced she was freaking jealous of sister-in-law’s announcement.  What is this? A baby race?  Hmmm, that lead me to think about a totally absurd idea, my specialty, a Baby Olympics.

This is a series of events whereby women, induce the men in their lives, to sprint for the finish line so to speak.  To call out the Rohirrim, to come to their aid or DEATH!  Now we men, we like the training, sometimes four years before the actual event.  But the women, heck no, no stretching, practice runs – nothing, nada, zippo.  They want the man in their life to risk it all for their gold medal (a rounded belly.)  To assist our ladies you can expect lavish meals, extra makeup, tight clothes, and soft sweet words whispered in their man’s ears.  Do we respond?  Well of course, don’t be silly.  It’s what we men were made for.  But in the event you have several women all vying for the Gold medal, it can get vicious.  So here are the events:

3 meter platform belly flop – that’s because your competition just pushed you over while you weren’t looking.

100 meter pregnancy test sprint – first to the finish line with a blue indicator.

Nursery Sprint – The first one to have the nursery ready one week after the positive test results wins.

Naming Marathon – this is the period where names, silly or not, are floating around everyone’s mind. No one paid any attention to my choice of  “Biggus Glutimous Maximus Greenlee.” But, but, it sounds so epic and Monty Pythonish!

Hurling – not to be confused with the winter sport of Curling, or an iron used on hair.  This that brief period in the first trimester where women have a little stomach discomfort.

The ideas are limitless as is the female DNA code.  So my loyal blogger readers and fellow imaginative authors, what baby Olympic event could you add this list?  Be tasteful, but absurd, laughter is my quest.  So join me in this thing called life.