The Man Club – February 2014 Edition (The Manslater)

Men need all the help they can get with women and technology geeks need to get busy with solutions.  The Man Club, in its quest to provide members with valuable services and products, introduces THE product gift of 2014 – The Manslater.  Here’s the product advertisement.

Responses from members have been positive, like:

Shut up and take my money.

I had mine surgically implanted.

It works great with Google Glass.

I bought the SmartPhone edition.

Ooh, I love my iManslater.

What a life saver.

I don’t even have to think anymore… thank you Manslater!

Now that you have seen the product in action and read our member comments now all you have to determine which memory version you want, which like women, is complicated, short term, and expensive.

Kilobyte (aka the Blonde Version, simply because they are limited to a vocabulary of a 1,000 words)
Megabyte (aka The Valley Girl version “it’s like, mega cool, for sure!”)
Gigabyte (aka the girl that never stops laughing version)
Terabyte  (Pronounced Terror Bite)
Petabyte (Pronounced Petty Bite)
Exabyte (The Exasperated Version)
Zettabyte (The Sextillion Version [That’s 10 to the 21st power, but not a hanky panky invitation])
Yottabyte (The Stars Wars Geek Girlfriend Version)
Brontobyte (The prehistoric older woman date Version, not to be confused with the Cougar XLR version currently in BetaByte testing)
Geopbyte (aka the Woman from MENSA Version)

So what are you waiting for?  I’ll even throw in free shipping and handling. But if you act now, I’ll double your order.  Give one to your fellow buddy who is showing signs of mental fatigue.  They make great wedding gifts.  But don’t stop there, I’ll throw in the Ronco Fishamatic too!  All for $1,999.36. Order today, TOday, TODAY!

And thank you for being a member of the Man Club.

Coffee Chaos – February 2014 (Lord of the Latte, Extended Version)

LordofTheLatte

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a Lord of the Rings junkie.  So when I saw this picture on Facebook without a caption, I had to steal it and with my magic staff knowledge of Photoshop and add a snappy little saying to it.

Although I love Lord of the Rings, it is ripe for a lifetime of parodies including a never ending parody on “Lord of the Latte” or “Lord of the Bean”  (starring none other than Sean Bean).  I could easily play the voice of Sauron in the morning before one drop of coffee. Here’s a sample:

Osh Gosh Bnosh Riptator Ungoly Bosh

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to,  God hurry up Mr. Coffee!  Brew faster you sucker!

I often wonder if my addiction to Colombian Supremo is a curse by some Colombian Dark Bean Lord named Sauron Valdez, the evil twin of Juan Valdez, because honestly there is nothing worthy hanging on to in life without coffee, well, other than the 5:00 wine hour.  Besides you need the alcohol in wine to counteract the caffeine in the coffee.  The balance of life on this upper earth is at stake.

Once I’ve had one cup I’m ready for my Gollum/Smeagol impersonation.  Here you can see me writhing as I fondle my coffee mug.  Yes, I wrote fondle, what of it?

It came to me, my preciousss’s’s (sic) Gollum

Nobody likes you! Gollum

After a pot of Supremo they do! Smeagol

No they don’t, coffee hog! Gollum

Go away.  I hate you. Smeagol

I can’t go away you fool. Without me you’d be nowhere. It’s the Supremo talking. Gollum

How my wife has stayed married to me for almost 34 years now is as mysterious as why the fellowship didn’t take Eagle Express Airlines to mount doom.  I mean, come on, I’m all for quests but 3 movies and 4 hours each contributes to obesity.  You have to consume 5 large cartons of popcorn and 3 monster soda’s to survive the extended version marathon.  Well, unless you are like me and then you just drink Supremo from beginning to end and actually look like Gollum at the end.  Then we get to add on the Hobbit trilogy extended version and actually convert to Gollum Couch Potato (PO-TA-TOE).

And speaking of Mount Doom, what fool invented decaffeinated coffee?  Do you drink decocoanated hot chocolate? Or alchol free wine, a Mai Tai, or Sneaky Tiki? Oh hell no you don’t!  Whoever invented this concept should be thrust into the flames for whence they belong.  For without caffeine, I do my most famous Sauron impersonation:

Osh Crappo Raggol Bean Def Dafool

In the black speech of Mordor this translates to, There is no life in the void, only decaffeinated death!

BoromirSaidCoffee

Female Code – Feburary 2014 (Reverse Wife Psychology)

Football Season - Again???

I can’t believe I fell for that line!!!

As I may have mentioned, some of my humor material comes from Facebook comments.  This month’s commentary has to do with outwitting our lovely wives, because it’s also the month of Valentines, where they expect perishable items such as roses, wine, and chocolate.  Or they may want dream items like a Porsche, diamonds or Maui Beachfront property.  To head off our wives and have them completely forget Valentines we men have to outwit them and confuse their already confused and mutated genetic code.

One of my friends stated her husband commented while she was cleaning the kitchen, “Gee, you look sexy doing that.” 

For which she shared,“there isn’t a woman in the world who would fall for that line.” But she stopped giggling as the thought crossed her mind, “Great! Now I’ll never want to hire a housekeeper!”

That my male friends is brilliant!!!  It is called Reverse Wife Psychology. Somewhere in that mish-mash of female genetic code is a line of instruction to never share their man with anyone who might steal their compliment.  Brilliant! BRilliant! BRILLIANT!

Now another female commented on how women want flowers.  Why?  Men don’t get to share in joy of the flowers.  They sit there and whither and then someone has to vacuum those affectionate (dozen times 100) dried petals before my Golden Retriever retrieves them to her gut and hurls regurgitated rose petals all around the room.  How romantic!  So when my wife decides to vacuum or scoop up a Golden’s hurling, I’m going to mention “You look so sexy doing that!”  I’ll see how well it works for me.

This year, instead of giving  my wife flowers, I gave her my buns!

MyBuns

My Buns

What woman doesn’t want her husbands buns?  Their always saying they want bun buns, or is that bon bons? I digress. I convinced my wife that getting a hold of my buns was the ultimate Valentine’s gift.  They are hot, plump, toasty and very scrumptious.  And if she plays her cards right, the frosting will be sweet and decadent. Grrrr…

Then it dawned on me, if she was willing to share my buns with the world, she could have that Porsche, diamonds and Maui Beachfront property if we just opened a series of franchise stores to compete with Cinnabon, called

Get Your Hands On My Buns!

That’s right! Franchises are starting now.  We package two buns per bun shaped box. Let me tell you about the special buns just waiting for you:

  1. Cardashashian Buns – Extra plump and popular – although we have no idea why.  Some kind of wind out of the North West I suppose.
  2. Paree Hilton Buns – just like the Cardashashian buns, except not as plump, yet no less popular.
  3. Pour Your Sugar on My Buns – comes with an 80’s rock star wig and red leather Deaf Leopard pants.
  4. Well Slap My Buns – complete with extra sweet southern fried glaze on the side.  Just slap on as much as you want.  Only 8,000 calories.
  5. I Can’t Believe These Buns – think big momma buns with nuts, fruit, BBQ ribs and a 10 gallon bucket of oozing glaze.

And this is only the beginning.  My wife will be so busy raking in the dough on my buns, she’ll never remember our anniversary, her birthday, or that pesky little arrow flinging kid with wings that likes to infect women’s desires on that day called Valentine’s.  BTW, if you read history, the day was created to martyr Saint Valentine who wrote a letter bidding farewell.  So if you don’t get a Valentine’s gift for your wife, I hope you are up on perfectly well-written farewell letters, or expect to be martyred, or find a diversion.

So hurry and pay me the franchise fee and I’ll throw in my best-selling self help book, Reverse Wife Psychology, a $19.99 value absolutely free, FRee, FREEEEE…….  What a bargain.

However we are still editing the Female Code book for men.  Be patient, like until the next millennium.

BookOnWomen