Bacon Topped Sundaes

Burger King just announced a bacon sundae. That’s right! Now, I have never tried it and it doesn’t sound right, but I love bacon and I love sundaes, so why not give it a try? I’m always open to new suggestions and ones that make money even better. Such culinary innovation has my imagination running absurdly wild again. So next week I open up Eddie’s Edible Eatery so feast your eyes on this scrumptious menu:

  1. Triple meat, triple cheese orange sherbet pushups.
  2. Chocolate chip cheesy chili fries.
  3. Strawberry yogurt covered corn puffs.
  4. Vanilla nachos with jalapenos
  5. Powdered sea bass ala mode
  6. Rocky road fried pigskin swirl (or hurl depending on your constitution)
  7. Baby rhubarb blizzard
  8. Brussel sprout stuffed Twinkies

Now that is the menu just for those not terribly concerned with calorie or cholesterol intake. For those that are, you have the choice of:

  1. Tofu tiramisu
  2. Bean curd custard
  3. Baked Turkey breast bread pudding w/whiskey sauce (say that fast 3 times when ordering)
  4. Sauerkraut and weenies strudel (my all-time favorite hurler)
  5. Trout truffles
  6. Fishy flan cakes

Keep in mind this is just the opening menu. We experiment daily with our leftovers, so come back often and feast again on the additions. We guarantee a reaction, which brings me to the fine print legal disclosure on the menu:

Note: Should you lose weight by ingesting and expulsion of our menu items or by expulsion merely by eye contact with the menu, there will be a $100 weight loss surcharge to your order.

I am after all, just a simple entrepreneur considering any and all revenue streams from a venture. Maybe you can suggest an item to be added to the menu and it must be cruelly creative to the colon!

Bon Appetit!

Zombie Golf Tournaments

Here’s a thought for new twist to the zombie genre – how about zombie golfers? Just think of the excitement! Here’s a sample of the commentary of the Zombie Invitational in Zurich hosted by Zombax.

“Tom is getting ready to tee off. Oops his decaying control arm just fell off. There goes his big Bertha driver right into the head of a fan. But she’s still clapping. Oops now his power arm! It is not going to be a good day for Tom.”

“Jack looks nervous, he didn’t realize this tournament was for zombies and now the crowd which had gathered around him for a sixty foot putt, are now pulling him from limb to limb, splashing on a little Chipotle Barbecue sauce. And now we literally can say we don’t know Jack anymore. Silence! Please, no burping while others line up their putts.”

“Arnold rests just outside the fairway in tall grass with pecan trees nearby. Oh my, there he goes – chasing after fresh and lively squirrels! That will be a penalty for sure. But he appears to be discouraged as a werewolf beat him to the kill.”

“Fans take a break, while the players on the 18th fairway crawl to the green, and flock to the concession stands for light finger foods, fried eyeballs and zesty hot-toes. Now back to the action!”

“Trigger was run over and over again by his wife. She just couldn’t kill him with her cart. So she just ate him. And he was playing so well today!”

“And standing on the winners pavilion is Werner Brautswortz receiving the trophy from the lovely and freshly rotted zombie queen – apiza. Ooh, looks like Werner couldn’t resist himself and is now getting him a slice of apiza.”

“Thank you coming to the Zombie Invitational. Please continue the festivities inside the 19th hole while you get an autographed copy of world famous author E.W. Greenlee’s newest smash hit “The Zombie Groin – How I took down a zombie horde with my nine iron.”

I love being creative! Now it’s your turn! See what short narrative you can add to this insanely absurd and rotting tournament.

Teeter Toddler and other absurdities

Well just when you think you’ve seen or read everything, Time Magazine has on its cover a controversial photo of a model breast feeding her 3-year old son. I’ve known parents who let kids sleep with them until they were 5 years old. But, breast feeding? When is it time to decouple a child from the teeter toddler? Surely that kid wants a happy meal by now! We are worried about bullying in our schools. Can you imagine kids running around with the magazine cover yelling “Bobby can’t get off the teeter toddler!”

You may have read me state before that the news provides us with the stories of our insane and absurd world. Dave Barry of the Miami Herald takes the news and has been creating an insane newspaper column for years. I would love to have his job. Because almost everyday there is something in the news that provides us with the free material. You may have read where a 19 year-old Texas man claimed to be a 500 year-old vampire and was arrested because he needed to feed and he attacked a woman in his boxer briefs, growling and hissing. Or how about Octomom? Sometimes these stories are not humorous because they highlight the growing signs of mental illness or actions from drug dependencies.

But we as a human species must laugh to retain our sanity. So as writers we try to give you a glimpse that we are all in this boat together, experiencing the same world, trying to make sense of it all. We may laugh at late-night comedians exposing the absurdities, but most of us step back and look at the issue from a completely serious perspective. One of the issues I take seriously is sharing my own human frailties and laughing at them. For if we cannot learn to laugh at ourselves then those that laugh at us will defeat us. We need to learn to laugh with them. Once we all see how absurd we all really are, maybe then we can learn to live a life in peace.

So get busy blogging or writing stories about some of the silly moments of your life. I am sure there are more teeter toddlers out there. I will share my sixth grade experience called the underwear padding paddling in an upcoming blog. So see if you can beat my experience.

Underwear Padding Paddling

In the sixth grade, I was a mischievous handful for my parents and my teachers. My English teacher was Ms. Simpson. One day in the library, we boys decided to learn how to shoot paperclips with rubber bands. One of the boys hit a girl in the neck. All of us boys were in trouble for it and Ms. Simpson was determined to see we all would pay for the mistake – the next day. One of the boys stated that the Vice-Principal had a paddle board with holes in it to increase the paddling experience. This frightened me, so I decided to pad the paddling experience by coming to school on the day it was scheduled by wearing all the contents of my underwear drawer. Then I’d fake the pain of the paddling.

Well this is when I discovered the meaning of false friends. I told a friend of my plot and he proceeded to tell Ms. Simpson. Suddenly there was an announcement by Ms. Simpson and she told the entire classroom of my plot. She made me stand up and display the unnatural shape of my “below the belt” region. I think I had on 13 pairs that day (talk about an unlucky number!) Well, needless to say I was marched to the boy’s restroom to remove said padding and received my paddling, unpadded. But it didn’t end there. I went back to class and wrote on a piece of paper that Ms. Simpson was the “B” word. That’s when it became really interesting. The aforementioned non-friend then shows Ms. Simpson my private writing and here we go again.

I was pulled out of the classroom by the “B”, I mean Ms. Simpson, and asked why I would write such a hateful thing. Can any of the readers guess why? If you can’t I’ll just continue on. After explaining it in sixth grade logic, I was back at the VP’s office. Soon he was going to personally name his paddle the “Eduardo Enforcer.” But it does not end there.

We boys were given a rather large research project and we were to do it after class hours. My topic was Africa. Do you know how large Africa is? Well one day, I had a doctor’s appointment and Ms. Simpson was not going release me. That’s when my mother, my heroine, came to my defense. Let me say this, my mother was raised by an army captain in General George S. Patton’s – “Old Blood and Guts” army. If you wanted to go to war with my mom – that would be a very bad decision on your part. Well I got off that of day, but the remainder of the year was a struggle in English. Ms. Simpson and I declared a truce. I was glad I was moving on to Middle School.

Why do I tell you this story? I was a child once and whatever you may be experiencing now, someone else already has and escaped the troubles of youth for a great adult life. Read Calvin and Hobbes and you will see why I compare myself to this cartoon. Our life experiences can be used as humor and as teaching moments. I want you, the reader, to have a good laugh at my expense. It wasn’t funny then, but in retrospect, boy was I stupid! I could have severely injured a friend or an innocent bystander with those paperclips.

Today paddling is seen as unnecessary. I can only tell you that it caught my attention and that after 8th grade I never caused anymore problems at school. My underwear escapade days were over!

A real life super hero – Happy Father’s Day

For many young boys, our fathers are our first heroes; they are our first Superman. We bend our backs, waaaay back, to look up at the mountain of a superman we call Daddy. We run around the house in their size 11 shoes, tripping over our own small feet constantly yet rise to the challenge with the hope that one day we can fill them. They run around the house with us on their shoulders and we believe we are flying. When he is around we feel invincible and safe. For me, I look at old family albums and press releases and think WOW – that is my dad! We watch Dads work hard, never complaining, never seeming too tired to throw a football, or play a game of hand ball. Sometimes we just relax and throw a fishing pole in the water and say nothing at all.

My dad introduced me to other undefeated former football supermen who won 47 games straight and I feel a part of that super team. Our family attends games where 85,000 adoring fans yell and scream. Fifty years later they still line up to shake the superman’s hand.

We grow a little older and a career takes more of our dad’s time. We discover girls and our attention moves as well. But often I stop to recall a moment of the past that this superman had made an indelible impression upon me. I smile and sometimes even well up a tear or two.

We too, become a father and we want to pass down those super hero traits that this man has taught us. We now know what it means to be a superhero to someone else. He cradles his grandchild so gently in his superman arms that you forget how strong he once was.

Soon years begin to fly by, but we never forget the man, the father, that superman. His super hero team members begin to pass. My super hero lost his sense of smell and his vision and hearing also fade. He loses his strength and his bulk, and moves much slower than before. His skin looks different; wrinkled, blotched, and dry. But no matter, he is still the man of steel in this son’s eye. Should my superman ever need a shoulder or a hand, this son, this man, is now ready to fill those shoes.

For a superman will never truly die. His power, his legacy, his memory now in his son lives.

Happy 53rd Father’s and Super Hero’s Day to my dad – Wayne Greenlee #71.

Bathing Suit Bod

Right here, right now it is time for me to get in shape for a bathing suit bod. Unfortunately I have gained weight by overeating and drinking during the cold winter. Then tax season keeps me sitting on my rump absorbing calories while looking for deductible expenses and eating doo-dads. Well, at least calories sound better than fat! Some of my doo-dads fell down into client files for next year’s snacking (just kidding although I worked for a man who did this very thing).

Yes I’ve added fat to my mid-section. Just call me an assistant of the Michelin man or super tire tubby, whichever you prefer, or some new creative description. I can take it. So fire away. It has become so bad, that if I completely relax my abs, it looks like I am carrying twins – hubba hubba! This is not the kind of man you want to see on the beach with a Speedo. It can cause serious damage to your eyes, damage children for life and create global anarchy. Furthermore, I was a weight lifter in my youth and now I have man cleavage, requiring a B cup. It is not pretty, I assure you. Just imagine a man running down the beach like Bo Derek did in the movie “10.” Again, retinal damage, kids that cannot sleep and World War III should be avoided at all costs.

My wife and I are taking a trip to Florida for a week to soak in the sun, and look for seashells for our coastal theme house in landlocked Oklahoma. I just might buy a puka shell necklace, like the one I had in the 70’s when I had long hair, 12 pack abs, firm pecs and smoking gun biceps, which is how I attracted my wife. Today, it is more like receding hairline, a keg gut, drooping pecs and flopping biceps. Need more graphic detail? I didn’t think so.

But, I have to be intelligent about it. If I wait until after I come back to exercise, then I will have the beach to myself as all the young hip crowd will flock 50 miles away to recover from their sudden illness. However, this just might mean that there will be thousands of stressed out, pregnant looking CPA’s on the beach with me. Egads! Be careful what you ask for. I can see it now. A new beach with middle-aged CPA’s all flexing (well, flopping really) their muscles to impress their wives, who simply can’t wait to get home for that grass to be mowed.

We were in Hawaii in 1986. I was young and studly back then. My wife and I looked at all the older people from California and Europe in Speedos and bikinis. I remember the damage to my eyes to this very day. Fast forward 26 years and now I know what the young crowd will be saying and thinking.

Tell me what you see and think about when you go to the beach?

Waterfalls in Hawaii

When I was young and newly married we could not afford a honeymoon. We waited four years and finally started looking at going to Hawaii. We saw brochures of sexy couples smooching under a crystal clear blue waterfall. We had to go just to find that picture-perfect waterfall. So we decided upon a trip that had pre-planned activities and a lot of free time as well. It was that “free time” that we decided we would go find that waterfall.

Boy, were we disappointed! There are no waterfalls in Honolulu! We began our quest by heading towards Diamond Head thinking waterfalls are near mountains. We just didn’t realize it was 25 miles away. But we were young, dumb and up to the walking challenge.

First, we found ourselves in an Asian market where no one spoke English. When I asked how to get to the waterfalls they just all laughed. I pointed out the travel brochure and they laughed again, but they pointed towards Diamond Head. We just knew we would find that perfect place to catch a smooch.

Then, we find ourselves in the neighborhoods of Honolulu and some people who thought we were tourists looking for drugs. This adventure was going downhill fast on an uphill climb. Now both my wife and I were young and attractive, so some approached us for less than savory services. We mentioned we just wanted to find the waterfall in the picture we pointed out. They just laughed and walked away. I swear I could hear one say “Dumb Tourists!”

Finally, we realized Diamond Head was not getting any closer and our dream of making out under a waterfall in Hawaii was never going to happen. Life is full of disappointments but you move on.

Later that night we attended a luau and they served Mai Tai’s and Blue Hawaiians. We had a blast and I got leied multiple times. It didn’t take too long to forget about the waterfall. Hang loose dude!

So what adventure left you less than fulfilled?