200K Followers Guaranteed

Puppy

#Puppy #Ransom

Remember when Twitter was having difficulties, but now it’s back big time?  I joined Twitter to sell books and direct traffic here to my humor posts.  I only have 4K followers, but noticed that new followers are always direct messaging me on how to gain thousands of followers for a few bucks.  They have about 190K followers, other members also trying to sell you followers, which means followers are following followers.  I’ve also noticed that Twitter is now hyper-political and hyper-nasty, the more nastier your comments the more your followers, hmmm…

So with his in mind, here are a few guaranteed nasty post techniques to get you more followers than you ever imagined possible.  No matter what party affiliation you are, play both sides, because then each side will follow you to see what you will say next.

  1. “Oh yeah, well I have your #puppy held for #ransom.” Attach cute puppy meme.  Everyone loves puppies.  They’ll read this and whisper, “What the ….” and then look at your profile and send a follow request.  Pound Puppy was my son’s favorite toy as a infant and toddler so I have an emotional attachment to this. PETA will also follow you, the ASPA, Humane Society, etc.  #Ransom will have every crime prevention organization noticing you and following to see if you are actually Guido Chapo, the notorious Italian Mexican crime lord.  Crime Cartels will follow you to see if they can get into your cartel due to your popularity.  See how this works?  All of a sudden politics and the Kardashians will be usurped and supplanted.
  2. “Your #mother was a #hamster and your #father an #elderberry #bush!”  Again, this is a “What the ….” lead generation tool. Attach sweet little old mother and father photo.  Everyone loves their mother and father, possibly a Hamster that was accidentally flushed down the toilet, sweet elderberries, and a nicely shaped but inexpensive shrubbery.  If they correlate #Bush with the president Bush, then there you go, fire up the angst or support and gain 100,000 followers hanging on your next comment.
  3. #Spigot #Gracious #Tater #Promophobe.  Set people really on fire with these jewels.  It’s proven fact that words can launch a war, even if there is no context to those words. Even words that sound like words that ignite hate can be used to fool someone.  One side will love you and other side will hate you, who cares, 200,000+ followers guaranteed.  Yes, I have a fear of promotional ads and taters. Eh.. what’s taters presicousss, what’s taters?  I do a great Gollum impersonation, but I digress.
  4. “U R #Stupid so #Stupid U R #Stupidier than the “Stupidiest”  This will attract all the grammar nazi’s, summa cum laudes, and those with Phd’s who feel compelled to fulfill something meaningful in life by exorcising you of your lack of intellect and vocabulary demons, word usage, sentence length, semi-superlative phobopronouns, etc. Yes I have a fear of pronouns too.
  5. #Laugh be #Happy #Damnit Then there are those who simply want to stay enraged, so any suggestion of laughter or happiness will enrage them any further.  They follow if only to post #FU, but hey it’s still a follower.
  6. It’s only #Politics #God bless u  Finally, both sides live and breathe politics, one side is anti-God and another pro-God, so you’ve got both sides covered now arguing with each other over your post, forgetting who you ever were – what a blessing.

As you can see you will have 160 billion followers in no time.  What?  You say there is only 7.6 billion people in the world.  You forget all the fake accounts they sell you generated by an AI engine looking for all the hashtags above and those who flock to the ones with the most retweets and likes.

As you can see, I will do just about everything to sell my books.  Please #Retweet this and I promise not to #DM you, I have a fear of that too, may #God help me.  Oh look, two new followers!

 

Advertisements

Anti-Revolutionaries Revolting Resolutions

FamousHamishCropped

Che Jamie Alexander Francisco McKniggit

While reading the news on Iran I found it odd that the article suggests the protestors are anti-revolutionaries. It’s not that they were anti-theists controlled government, but anti-revolutionaries. Uh, are they not revolting?  Doesn’t that make them revolutionaries?  This sent me into one of my Monty Python moments about two groups arguing over their status and concept of their own sense of revolution.  I give you the Rodean Peoples Full Frontal and the Rodean Peoples Backside revolution organizations.  The conversation would go something like this at a nice French cafe between Cleese and Palin,

Cleese, “I read today the backsiders are revolting against our revolution. Why the nerve of those kniggits.”

Palin, “Excuse me, but I’m a backsider and couldn’t help but to hear your comments. We are the revolution! Viva la revolucione!”

Cleese, “No your not!”

Palin, “Oh yes we are, we’ve taken it up the backsides so long from your full frontal revolution, that we decided to backside yours.”

Cleese, “You can’t revolt the revolution, it’s not revolutionary enough.  You have to be an innovative revolting revolutionary and a member of the Revolutionaries Revolting Resolution Union.”

Palin, “Say what? There’s no such organization.”

Cleese, “Yes, the RRRU’s charter under title VXVVII states clearly states that you must support the Rodean’s Peoples Full Frontal from pretenders claiming to be revolutionaries, revolting in revolutionary cosplay or non-copyrighted T-Shirt images of our leader, Che Jamie Alexander Francisco McKniggit.”

Palin, “Oh my, you’ve thought of everything in your evolving revolting revolutionary resolution union resolutions.”

Cleese, “Yes, we stay resolved in our revolution’s resolutions and are quite revolted when others try to usurp our revolutionary rights under our resolutions and not pay in our unions unified codification code and regulations of our revolting rights membership fees.”

Palin, “Well in that case, I apologize from inserting my claim to revolt upon your resolutions and reservations of rights to claim to be a revolting revolutionary.”

Cleese, “Quite alright, pay your fees and you can be come a member of the Rodean’s Peoples Full Frontal.  Besides, it’s the Foreign Outsiders Full Colonialism Collectivist Conglomerate who are the real trouble makers in the world.”

Now, in no way am I making fun of Iran and the brave people who are protesting for their beliefs, I only find it odd that in 1979 the collective group of human sheep decided on one form of revolution and now we are back to the pre-revolution way of thinking revolution. Who has the legitimate claim on revolution?

My point is if thinking of revolutions in such a manner as above gave us too many headaches, we might decide that living in freedom and minding one’s own business, just might contribute to world peace.

But don’t get me started on Venezuela.

 

2017 – A Year in Review

chimp

 

Yes, it’s another year, but what a year! Not only did I relocate from Hawaii to Florida, but I outran hurricane Irma and used my Christmas gift budget on teeth.  But enough about me, let’s digest what in the world happened to the world during the craziest year in my full 58 years of life.

WWIII

Article after article suggest WWIII could break out in five different places like North Korea, the Persian Gulf, Ukraine, etc.  But I would add a sixth or seventh place of origin – TWITTER or FACEBOOK.  Is it just me but are people hurling more bombs in these anti-social media sites?

Government Corruption

Okay, no change here, moving along.

AI

Actual Ignorance increased by astronomical amounts and is expected to be the eighth cause of WWIII.  Articles such as the thief who had to text the police to pull him out of a chimney, for a house he was about to rob.  Listen dude, get off the crack and stop watching Santa movies, it’s warping your mind more than mine.

AV

Autonomous vehicles made the news more often, but if we head towards WWIII, it might be that it begins when we realize that you can only go 25 MPH.  This is when you take control to go 50 MPH and cutoff all other AV’s, when the AI (the other AI) can’t handle the computations.  I predict massive casualties and 100 million car pile-up.

EV

Electric vehicles are all the rage now.  Here in Naples, FL I’ve actually seen Tesla recharging slots at a retail center with not one Tesla vehicle being recharged.  Of the 400,000 orders in place for the Model 3, the company was able to produce 262 in the third quarter.  That means in 1,526 quarters all orders will be filled.  I think that equates to 381 years.  Technology is so blindingly fast.  Don’t get me started on Windows 10.

FUPTA

I just made this acronym up so that I’d appear all cool and hip.  Talk among yourselves and be creative what it might stand for.

Star Wars 2017

Setting records big time, but did anyone ever question why there aren’t any ADS’s (Autonomous Death Stars) and why ES’s (Electric Starfighters) are not in use?  Not so futuristic after all, is it?  Why not just let AI take hold, grab yourself a seat with a huge bag of popcorn and supersized drum of pop to watch C3PO defeat AVEV3, or listen to Alexa take down Siri in an AI intellectual death match.

Social Media Brain Washing

We’ve been told that social media is now influencing our political thoughts and that we simply are not intelligent enough to discern a foreign government’s influence in the election process.  So wake up comrades and stop viewing all the puppy and kitten videos, wine memes, and messenger requests from “Inizzi Love” or “Igotta Love” – these are all communists indoctrination ploys.

The Other AI

You’ve been warned, the start of WWIII will begin when AI decides to takeover the world. That makes about a bakers dozen for reasons WWIII is coming.  From one report I read, Facebook had two AI engines that actually created their own language and had to be shut down.  I think they were ordering pizza on the company account.

Game of Thrones – Final Season

No matter what triggers WWIII, it will only happen until we see how the really narcissistic despot rulers deal with all the distrust and hatred. I’m sure it’s not going to be a series of Tweets.

Outlander Season 3

My wife, a fan of the books and shows, convinced me to watch with her.  I’ve liked almost everything up to the point where Claire returns to the past.  This is where my logical thinking couldn’t reconcile parts of the story.  It all moved a little too fast for me – from Scotland, to Jamaica, to Georgia in such a relatively little amount of time, with no assistance from Elon Musk.  I mean really, those portals were invented by him so that Claire could bring pizza back from the future, there’s no other explanation for having them if you are not going to use them, just like a Tesla recharging slot.  Then there’s the hurricane scene that just cropped up in a matter of minutes after the completion of hanky-panky.  They survive to get rest after the eye arrives, but what about the back side?  Ah ha!  I’ve survived Irma, without any pizza portals.  I’m sure season 4 will be about pizza portal franchises as a front for sedition.

But I digress.

Happy New Year

On a serious note, we do not know when the end will arrive, so live each day as it was your last.  Find time to laugh and find time to love, even if you’ve been through hell like James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.  Please forgive digressions, like mine.  May your New Year be filled with prosperity and hope that one day we will evolve from AI without the aid of AI (The other AI).

The Absurdities of Flying – Volume II

Airplane4

You thought I was done, didn’t you?  Well, I’ve only just begun.  But this time I wanted to add a few recommendations to make air travel more safe and enjoyable – based solely upon my astute observations of crazy people on planes.  First, bring back the hot pants of the 1970’s Southwest Airlines.  That would work well for me.  However, there has to be something in this for the ladies.  So I highly recommend that at each security frisking station they have a celebrity doppelganger of the lady’s choice.  This might be a George Clooney, Fabio, or some guy playing a well-endowed gorgeous billionaire sex freak  that can do all the 50 shades of frisking.  That would work, right ladies?

I also think a complete strip down to go through the detector would be fine too.  This way we’d all be intimate with each other as we fly and have plenty to discuss. “Why that tattoo on your bum is so unique, when and where did you get it”?  This way when the in-flight nude masseuse comes calling it wouldn’t be too shocking and my buttocks wouldn’t be so tense upon landing five weeks later.

People in first class get to lay down in their own little cubes.  But in this age of sharing, I say they should have to sit in some of our seats for at least one quarter of a flight duration over five weeks.  But if this isn’t possible, I suggest in the center ceiling a drop down bed should appear so people can stretch out, take a nap, tan, or get friendly with the neighbor you met at the security screening line – which you can call that the “The high five, five mile high club“.  Yes, I just made that up and I want a royalty on any use of it’s name.  This way toilet lines would be shortened.

Speaking of toilets, why do crazy people wait until they hear the Captain announce they will be landing?  A line builds up and the attendants have to announce the flight can’t land until everyone’s bladders are empty.  I say it is time to stop giving all the $150 cocktail choices 5 minutes before the landing call.  I know the CEO’s of the airlines need a $100 million Golden Parachute, but come on – Really?  I say if you are in the potty when that Captain’s announce is made, you are given a chance to learn to fly (Game of Thrones style) with a trap door, called the AirPorta Potty. Yes , I just made that one up too, because I want a Golden Parachute.  Any luggage not claimed can be rummaged through by those who have an empty bladder or are blue in the face holding their bladder. It’s only fair in this sharing economy that needs a little population control and thinning of the DNA mutations.  As a parting gift, the toilet can dispense a runner-up Darwin award trophy.

Having trouble sleeping on the plane?  Well, I suggest people be allowed to give business presentations.  One, so that they can stretch their buttocks and two, so you can learn about Dynasty Trusts and the  Net Investment Income Tax – sure fire ways to catch a  few Z’s without pills or massive quantities of $90 Mai Tais.  There should also be Mai Tai Karaoke renditions of “We are the world – you are the economy class“.

We should also DNA test everyone before they enter the plane with MyDNA. You can share your heritage percentage and see if you are somehow related to uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob from Arkansas. This way we can tell if you are predisposed to being a drooler of biblical proportions like uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, a snorer, prone to mount Vesuvius flatulence, have weak bladder, and just a general (in Hawaiian terms) – Ahole.  Ahole’s should be made to sit in the back section of a plane in ejector seats, just in case they get Aholeish and out of control (no need for Air Marshals).  People with infants and toddlers should be given the front section in an enclosed, sound proof, and gas vapor leak proof cabin.

My last suggestion is just complete brilliance, if I don’t say so myself.  Instead of overhead storage bins and an isle that gets a little too cramp from people rushing like it was a rock concert, let’s make it a synchronized and motorized track, that when the exit door is opened you have to race to catch your luggage.  This would certainly get you off the plane faster, instead of curling your hair, taking selfies with your long lost uncle / cousin / grandfather Billy Bob, trying to pull out your oversized stuffed luggage and your head from your Ahole, and get out of my way.

Absurd?  Maybe just a little, but I’m not too far off.

The Voices In Our Heads or Never Mind My Mind

man-screaming-290x216

 

On Facebook and Twitter I follow a lot of writers hopefully to learn things and have companionship with people of like minds or lack of minds.  You see, when we write stories we place ourselves into someone else and our mind becomes their mind and our characters converse.  Our characters can give us fits and other times they can be shy and quiet, leading to delays in completing our project.  We curse our characters out loud, leaving our spouses to wonder if we are not, in fact, the mutated offspring of Gollum.  You see this is actually a psychological issue known as SGS, or Smeagol Gollum Syndrome.

Today, one of the authors I follow on Facebook commented on her characters and the male lead found his voice. The female character has not yet found her voice. Then another author chimed in started talking about her characters, saying the female might be shy.  I’m shaking my head wondering why the other writer is in inside her head too.  It’s starting to get crowded in this authors mind.  So I interjected some wisdom,

“Don’t trust her, she’s the twin of Sybil”.

Now all of a sudden country western romance novels could get interesting, if other authors get to contribute, and I’m envisioning a whole new genre with book titles like these eye catchers:

  1. “The Exorcism of The Marlboro Man”
  2. “Brokeback Payback Loan Shark Of the High Plains”
  3. “She Wore A True Grit”
  4. “The Lonesome and Not So Lonesome Psychopath”
  5. “Never Mind My Mind Pardner If You Don’t Mind”
  6. “It’s Merely a Flesh Wound Sheriff.  But she’s ripped out your heart!”
  7. “Zombie Rodeo Queen Sweetheart Rides a Tall Saddle”

As you can see we writers are weird. None of the above titles makes any sense, but neither does this crazy world we live in.   Learn to enjoy a moment of weirdness and set your minds free, so others can invade the free and safe space of your mind.

The characters in my mind state they are overworked.  They convince me regularly that writing must be supplemented with a daily wine break.  Ooh look it’s 3:1o to Yuma Cabernet.  Peace out Ya’ll.

Oh never mind my mind.

 

 

March Sing Along

AShower

You have two choices in life. To cry or laugh. I choose to laugh. We had a little drama during the remodeling of our home here on Kauai so we could sell it.  Let me set the scene.  We order a sink only later to find out it will not fit, leaving exposed edges.  This obviously would have made us look like amateur hillbilly’s, and that’s a hard thing to accomplish. But here on Kauai there’s not a lot of inventory to select from, and the plumber, who is also the owner of a dive company, was already scheduled for diving classes.  This meant we had to go a few days without a sink, which is also connected to the dishwasher.  So this left only one alternative, wash our dishes while we shower, nothing glamorous like singing in the rain. I kid you not.

So what can you do?  You can first curse – which I did, followed by drinking every Mai Tai, Blue Hawaiian, and assorted wines we had in the house – which I did.  You can then cry over your hangover or the woes of the world.  But, I choose to laugh and look at the funny and bright side of life.

With all this in mind, let’s us return to the world of my now famous sing along songs, to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies for added effect.

Let me tell you about a story about a man named Ed,
Who moved to Hawaii so his dreams could be fed.
Then one day while remodeling the sink the contractor said, “this model ain’t going to fit.”
So poor ole Ed slumped and yelled out “I can’t believe this $#%&”.

Curse word that is, rather crude

The next thing you know Ed’s wife is washing from the shower
His wife said, “Ed get this fixed quick or I’m going to get sour.”
He made the mistake of saying, “Hey babe you’re still in paradise”
That’s when she clocked him upside the head with kitchen merchandise.

Lead skillet that is, hard and painful

Well now it’s time to say
Goodbye to Ed and all his remodeling fun,
He told his wife no more homes with potential,
or he’s going to get a gun.
You’re all invited here to share the insanity
As long as you can wash dishes from the bathroom vanity.

Now surely my fellow readers you have some humorous tales of life gone sour.  Shout out.

Babble On

PuffyLips

 

Do you recall the story of Babylon?  You know the time God dispersed mankind into different parts of the world with different languages, so that we could not communicate.  Do you ever fear that has happened again?

First let me say I am an old fart.  Almost 57, purely anthropology material.  I find myself struggling to keep up with the world of communication.  Case in point, some one stated the other day in a post on Facebook,

“How cray cray is that?”

In my world of experience, a Cray is a supercomputer, so when referenced twice this is  a very powerful supercomputer – to the second power, as Cray2.  Now that is cool.

I was wrong, it means “Crazy”, they just drop off the “z” to create a whole new word.  That’s just plain “nut”, I purposely left off the “s” so I could fit into the cool crowd.  It didn’t work, someone posted back, “You cray cray old fart.” Sigh…

You see what I mean?  It was bad enough to try to survive the valley girl days of the 80’s and Disco lingo of the 70’s.  Now I have three decades of hip hop billy bob country western pop to catch up on. How Cray is that?

We have country people turning pop, pop turning country, hip hop remaining hip hop, bop doing hip bop, and old farts doing the hip socket replacement bop.  STOP – STOP – STOP!!!

Every day I read of an actor or singer of my generation who has passed and it makes me melancholy to some extent, that’s because I understood them.When Marvin Gaye sang, “Let’s get it on”, there was no deciphering of the language.  It meant what everyone thought what it meant.  Nowadays you get lyrics like this,

“Let’s get cray cray with your bedazzled vjayjay.”

I had to ask my wife what in the creation of the universe was a a vjayjay.  She explained it to me.  I was dumbfounded, babble on is back in black.  I suppose this is code so that parents can’t filter teens music.  Luckily I am an anthropology specimen who no longer has to worry about teen code.  My son and daughter thought they were masters with “Myspace” to keep me in the dark. It didn’t work however, how cray cray is that?  Hey, I’m getting the hang of this.  Now they are adults with children, and they have to figure out what the next babble on code will be.

I miss the simple days, with only a few television stations of wholesome programming that didn’t require a Phd in HipHopstery to understand or taking sides over which was the dominant movie of the week like Stars Wars vs Avatar.  Talk about cray cray.

So, to leave you with something of importance I have decided to provide one of my trademarked sing alongs to brighten your day, sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies:

Well let me tell you about a story of man named Ed,
A poor old fart who couldn’t keep trends in his head,
but then one day when blogging with some fools,
He went cray cray trying to understand this drool.

Babble on, culture shock, sheeple rule

Well the first thing you know, people told him to get out of there
The babble on crowd are probably blogging in their underwear.
Said, Kauai is the place you need to be,
So he loaded up his family and moved to Lihue.

Beaches, forests, all Kardashian free.

Well now it’s time to say adios to Ed and all his kind,
I’d like to remind you, you all have lost your mind,
You’re not invited to  this locality,
Cuz I don’t need your cray cray mentality.
Yo post a comment now, yo yo hear!

Be sure to give our sponsor – hippiehootnanny.com a call when visiting Kauai.  When you are a Hippie and don’t give a hoot nanny about your lodging accommodations, hippiehootnanny.com fits perfectly those lack of needs.  Remember, hippiehootnanny.com, that’s hippiehootnanny.com.