The Origin and Evolution of ……..

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Who Ate My Bunga Binga Bronto Burger?

Have you ever sat back and wondered how things are the way they are?  Yes, I know that’s really deep without enough coffee, but give it thought every so often, it’s fun!  For example, when did man discover marijuana?  I discovered it in high school and ended it in early college.  It was not my thing, but it still makes me wonder how the heck it was discovered and made a part of today’s inebriated state of life.  Was it a burning bush that a caveman stood next to get warm and then realized – “DUDE!  This is awesome!”  Then he yells out to Unga, his wife, “Unga DUDE, come check this out!”

But as Unga appears the wind direction changes, Unga stands there warming herself while Ugga, her husband, is acting so strange eating twigs and dino droppings in an insatiable manner.  “Okaaay, what’s so great about fire?  We discovered fire many moons ago!  Fire good, dino dingleberries, not good.”

Unga then clubs him up the backside of his head, “Snap out of it and fetch us a slab of Bronto BBQ, me Unga hungry.”

So Ugga goes hunting, missing his aim as he slowly comes off the high and then realizes he has a terrible case of the munchies and literally chases a dinosaur down on foot, basically inventing fast food.  Yes, I know it is a stretch, but I’m the writer and imagineer here on this blog, and yes I am completely sober.

Ugga is seen burning bushes every day, even standing downwind to increase intake, while losing productivity in the field.  Unga begins to club him daily, but to no avail, and then one day steps in front of the smoke, nagging Ugga until “boing”  it catches on.  Then the two develop a pipe and later a bong from a hollow dino horn.  They invite their closest friends, Hunga and Bunga, along with Binga and Boinga, swedes – Inga and Svensturgonstut  over for a bong party and the first block party is invented where they have a gay ole time and write out the basis for a comedy routine, the “Hempstones.”

Parties become a norm and there they sit around and delve into the origin of the species and invent the first smokeless chew, “Redeyeman”, followed by edibles “UngaBungaBudBrownies” and flavored coffees at “StarBuds.”  Within years they open cave franchises and overharvest the plants, so they harvest the buds and go into horticulture, using GMO dino droppings to grow bigger and bigger plants, with stronger effect.  As demand soars and supplies dwindle, foreigners from Arkantriassiac invade, lead by Billy Bob Bobinga, and war breaks out, albeit a very slow battle.  Finally, an asteroid falls from the sky and wipes out the world.

A few million years later, modern men and women are now partaking in the same rituals at the Colorado Unga Bunga Inda Binga Bonga Festival.  There they will talk about, well, I have no clue what they will talk about, but I am sure the word DUDE will be over utilized in the conversation.  Some things never change.  If you have ever seen the movie Dazed and Confused, it was about the doped up 70’s, of which I was raised.  It is pretty accurate of the times.  I prefer to stay to sober and write about such things, for there is so much material to pick from.

If you have your thoughts of the origin and evolution of marijuana, well DUDE, sound off, it should be an absurdly gay ole time. If you love my sense of humor send me a rack of Bronto Ribs as compensation. I work for food.

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Hanging Loose

I am going to Hawaii very soon and meet with a company of realtors.  I decided to take a look at their office which I found on Google Street view.  As impressive as Google is, I decided to take it for a road trip on Kauai’s Kuhio highway headed west towards Hanalei Bay.   You’d be surprised what you will see on a virtual road trip.  For example, Hang Loose is something the people of Hawaii say all the time, but Google caught evidence that they actually live it.  Here you see a Hawaiian actually hanging loose his leg out of the window, while driving, while texting, while photo shopping, while … well, you get the point – THEY HANG LOOSE!

 

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So sit back, hang loose as you take a trip with your most beloved blogger on Kauai’s northern boundary, guaranteed to be exciting with every twist and turn.   Our next photo op is the Sammy Hagar lookout where everyone steps out, strums their air guitars and sings “I can’t drive 25!” Come on, you know you want to.

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Unfortunately, even on virtual tours you run into road construction and just like on the mainland there’s never ending construction.  Here you have indisputable evidence that even on Hawaii no one truly works on roads.  At night, aliens from Mars come and do the work.  Then there’s the guy with his hands on his hips, undoubtedly the alien supervisor. Nothing upsets me more than a virtual traffic jam.  If only I had a virtual horn.

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Next on our virtual tour is a favorite of locals, tourists and aliens alike – the famous Hanalei Necking Cave.  It is said that only the most experienced and intrepid necker’s should enter this most treacherous cave.  If I understand correctly, Hanalei means “Make Lei”, but I’ll pretend it means “Make Out.”

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These roads are narrow, so narrow that at times only one car can fit on a bridge along with an occaisional diver, even though prohibited, as is driving with dangling legs, while texting, while photo shopping…, oh well, you get the point – THEY HANG LOOSE!

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But as with all things the road must end and at the end of that road you sum up all your feelings and emotions, you pause and reflect on that moment that is magical, philosophical and even spiritual but as with all things we must return to reality.

DAMN TOURIST!

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Thank you for taking this virtual tour with Obnoxious Ready Eddie’s Tours. If your not satisfied with your experience, too bad. It didn’t cost you anything, besides you have Google Street view – use it!  See what those privacy invading cameras pick up next.  As for me, I’m going to stare at this image a little longer and can’t wait to see and photograph it in person, as I will all the bikinis on the beaches, for those photos there will be a fee.  Hey, someone has to pay this blogger’s staff!

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Life in the Slow Lane

Back in the 70’s I saw the Eagles in concert in Fort Worth, Texas. There they dazzled us with their Hotel California tour with songs like Life in the Fast Lane and of course Hotel California. I remember muscle cars, not modified lawnmowers on highways, and when people actually moved. This blog is dedicated to the observation that we are actually slowing down, becoming slugs on the streets and in the fast lanes of the highways.  I hope that you will share your craziest moment of highway or street insanity with me.

You’ve seen them, those people who drive in the left lane exactly the speed limit because they were appointed by the powers to control traffic speed, except when you try to pass in the center lane they speed up, protecting their precious real estate.  My mother-in-law is one of them.  Her comment made it clear, “I paid my taxes and I can drive here if I wish.”  Funny I thought there was a law!  I know there’s a sign. Surely you have seen them too.

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But pay no attention to signs, those are just guidelines, right? I’ve always wondered how the far left lane can come to a complete stop.  There’s no merging traffic!  It’s the fast lane, right?

Then there’s speed limit signs. Where I live we have zones of 35 mph, except the slugs go 25-30. It’s only when the slugs turn on to residential streets that it becomes the autobahn. Then there’s the autotexters. No, it’s not a new gadget for auto texting, but the primal urge to text and drive while going 55 in a 70 mph highway zone. I’ve seen people text and talk on their dumbphones the second they strap on the safety harness, which is completely ironic, don’t you agree? What on this precious green earth is so important to get on the phone the second you strap yourself into a 6,000 pound slow moving missile of metal… well, more like plastic these days, but you get my drift.  What gives?  I really want to understand the importance.  I turn 55 this year and I still can’t drive my age.  Get home faster and talk face-to-face, socialize in the flesh!!!

Then there’s the truckers! Ever noticed when you are gaining on them they pull into the left lane at the last minute, simply because they don’t want to slow down, even though they create a traffic jam ten miles long behind you. There you can see them giggling in their side mirror at their NASCAR inspired strategy. But what can you do? Tailgate them? So you patiently wait until they get out of the way and hit the accelerator to 80, just in time for the highway patrolman to catch you on their radar.  You just can’t win!

Tailgating is getting much worse, some punk in his modified lawnmower runs up behind you with his music bass pounding so hard they think they can intimidate you to move faster, except I’m going as fast as the people in front of me.  If you move over to the center lane they give you some gang signal they learned on MTV right as they slam on the brakes with rubber burning.  Then, you pass them by because for some reason the middle lane is moving faster.  Maybe I’m just a better driver and know when it’s time to change lanes.

Just the other day I pulled to the side of a Porsche Panamera. He was going slow, no one was tailgating, nor was he tailgating, he was just taking his time loving the commute into downtown. What a sicko! Doesn’t he remember Sammy Hagar’s song “I can’t drive 55?” But he was. Oh how the times have changed. Today green means – pump your brakes and yellow means – gun it Charlie! Red means nothing if no one is watching. Speed bumps are thrill rides, school zones are for rebels without a cause, and signs, well, signs are for people who read signs, which we know they aren’t because their eyes are on the dumbphones.

You would think in this day of technology that can automatically drive cars, we could have microchips at each sign that sends alerts like, “Hey Buddy, your going 60 in the fast lane – GET OUTTA THE WAY!” Or, you know how you can swipe those QPR codes and get instant prices on products, etc.? Well, why not one that scans the license plate and allows you to interrupt their philosophical call on what’s for dinner just to get them increase the speed to the speed limit. This is why I have no faith in technology, it has slowed us and dumbed us down, except blogs – they are great as a tool for the total release of stress and anxiety after an hour of commuting in the slow lane. So since I never text, talk, or blog while driving, I have to sing loud and change lyrics to fit my mood. With that in mind it’s time for my patented, registered and trademarked sing alongs.

Life in the Slow Lane

He was driving hard in the passing lane
She pulled in front of him the speed of a turtle
She held him up and rush hour traffic for miles, in the heart
of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a impatient dude
He flashed signs, that they said were rather crude
They had one thing in common, they were
crazy in the head
She’d say, ‘Faster, faster. The lights are turnin’ yellow.”

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind, mm
Are you with me so far?

Eager for action to pass from the center lane
She cut him off – that crazy #$%^&* dame!
She cut off all the right people, she created her own lanes
They threw outrageous fingers, they paid heavenly repair bills
There were lines of cars in the mirror, a smile on her face
She pretended not to notice, her driving was a disgrace.

Out every day, it’s the same old game
He was too tired to fight it, so he just sang the same old song.

Life in the slow lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the slow lane, I just want to get home
Life in the slow lane, ugh ugh

Braking and slamming, blinded by near death
They didn’t see the stop sign,
took a right turn from the left lane

She said, “Listen, baby. I pay my taxes same as you.
I’ll drive up and down this highway;
And there’s not a friggin thing you can do!”
He said, “Text the driver. I’d really like to pass.”
“Go ahead buddy, your not about to pass my #$%!”
They went slugging down that freeway,
messed around and got lost
They didn’t care they were just texting to get off

And it was life in the slow lane
Didn’t you see that sign?
Life in the slow lane
With the brainless and the blind.

If you would love this song on your dumbphone, just text me and I’ll download it for 55 cents.