CAT 4 – No More, Sweet Mother of Haggis, No More

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Hamish Goes Hawaiian

Well, we moved to paradise (Kauai Hawaii) to get away from F5 tornadoes in Oklahoma and Arkansas banjo players. What did we run to? Three Category 4 hurricanes with silly names like:

  • Kilo
  • Ignacio
  • Jimena

https://thebeachyquilter.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/jimena-headed-our-way.jpg?w=640

Today is August 31st, which means we have all of September, October, and November for more gut-wrenching weather forecasts.  We’ve also had brutally hot weather, high humidity, and no visible trade winds.  My glass of Mai Tai sweats as hard as I do. So what will the names of the next storms be?  I’m sure they will be meaningless and easy to say, so let’s just heat up the evening forecast a little. Here’s a glimpse:

  • Lolly Broch Alba gu bràth
  • Mudder
  • Nastio (twin of Ignacio)
  • Orcalina
  • Pilikilihumunumunawahiliwaikikipupututunomonomo (Hawaiian for goldfish)
  • Qi (a silly useless word that wrecks havoc in Word with Friends)
  • Reynaldo De La Quith (Rey for short)
  • Sayonara Senorita

That’s eight more storms before we have to consider any more names. But thanks to the generous sponsorship of Famous Hamish Hawaiian Haggis tours we will keep you up to date. You can hear the broadcast now, but only after the Hamish commercial jingle:

“When your feeling hot and humid what do you do?
You reach for hot haggis, neeps, and tatties stew!
Famous Hamish has it steaming and ready to go,
just in time for the hurricane naming show!

And now for the weather,

We hate to interrupt the Jamie and Claire coupling scene tonight on Outlander, to inform you that Category 5 hurricane Lolly Broch Alba gu bràth has made its way into the central Pacific basin“, or

Here’s the satellite image of Mudder in the Pacific and what a Mudder she is“, or

Hurricane Pilikilihumunumunawahiliwaikikipupututunomonomo is expected to intensify to a category 13 storm.  Please stay tuned for further development of Pilikilihumunumunawahiliwaikikipupututunomonomo!”  (As the anchor passes out), or

“Hurricane Sayonara Senorita will make landfall a category 52 storm.  Please place your face between your legs and kiss your sweet haggis goodbye.”

And that’s not all, once these storms cross the international dateline they become typhoons with Asian names like:

  • Lilipoo
  • Moogoogainpain
  • Nocomebackherebuffettmeannofulldayeatyougohome
  • Tofu

Hurricanes are a new experience to me.  I can kid about it here, but reading about hurricane Iniki which made landfall in September 1992 as a CAT 4 hurricane is no cause for humor, in fact, it is outright frightening.  What I learned from reading and talking with those that live here is that the people of the island worked and put their lives back together, truly demonstrating the meanings of Aloha and Ohana, and that gives me great comfort.  I have the highest respect for Hawaiians that have shared their land with my wife and I.

So as I wait for the 2015 storm season to end, Hamish will be hanging low through all this heat.  Learn to smile, learn to laugh, learn to love, and learn to live. We are not guaranteed another day.

One Very Hot Hawaiian

Catchy title eh?

Now that you are here, let me tell you about Kauai, my new home.  It’s a great place with a lot of great people.  Kids are seen playing in the streets and people walk their dogs and stop by for a chat.  We arrived in May and then June turned muggy, July muggier and now August just plain mugly.  There was supposed to be trade winds keeping everything in check, but I think they lied, just a joke on us haole’s (white people) to watch us melt.  The bad thing is we have no A/C so an 88 degree day with 70% humidity is a like a summer day on a Dallas paved asphalt road suntanning nude.  So today we went to the Kealia Beach to cool off and the water was refreshing, but I did expect to see a large number of bikini clad hot Hawaiians.  Instead my wife was treated to a hot Hawaiian male only day on the beach as the surfers hung ten (surfer slang).  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Waves

We are anxiously looking at the weather reports to see if tropical storm Kilo will materialize into hurricane Kilo. We have watched storms Guillermo and Hilda pass not causing any problems, but each time we had hoped for some cooling rains and winds.  No such luck.  We take two showers a day now and then stand around naked in front of a fan.  Hey, I stated very clearly in the post title I was one very hot Hawaiian, although really I am nothing more than a sweaty haole.

For the most part I have found native Hawaiians to be very special people.  They are very family oriented and friendly, as long as you respect them and their way of life.  I saw a bumper sticker that says it all, “Adapt or get slapped.” If you have seen some of the Hawaiian men (like my wife has – wink, wink) you don’t want to get slapped.  They are big and strong!

My yard guy brings me exotic Asian food from which I’ve gained a few pounds.  Costco carries a premixed Mai Tai so you can get straight to relaxing.  Our neighbor invites us over for cocktail hour, and others bring us Avocado, Apple Banana, Lychee, Longan, Limes, etc.  They also provide me with free plant cuttings to begin a tropical garden.

Is it a perfect paradise as I thought it would be?  For the most part it has met all my expectations. Now if the mugly weather would end and the trade winds return then there would be no complaints.  Aloha!

KalalauLookOut1-1Got questions on living in Kauai, just let me know.

Never Too Late to Learn Banjo

I haven’t written in a while, because I moved to Hawaii from Oklahoma because of its proximity to Arkansas.  No not really, I just wanted a change of scenery and to get closer to El Nino.  I haven’t been in good humor, because I thought El Nino was some fruity concoction similar to my beloved Mai Tai.  El Nino is merely a sultry hot day in paradise.  So I needed some inspiration for humor and writing.  Luckily there is always Farcebook.

One of my son’s friend posted a comment on Farcebook that deserved immediate feedback such as,

“I think I should have learned to play the banjo.”

That’s it, that’s all he wrote.  Now who in the world writes such a statement without further clarification?  So I inquired if he was planning retirement in the Ozarks. His reply was priceless and ripe for me and his other friends to pile on, my favorite thing in life.  His reply,

“No, it’s because chicks love banjo players.”

Oh really?  So I inquired further,

“Hairless or toothless?”

He did not reply immediately, so I guess this provided a moment for deep thought, also one of my favorite things in life.  His friends started to further pile on, providing pictures from the movie “Deliverance”.  One suggested he add the harmonica.  I suggested he add a washboard to complete his one man band sensation.

He came back later and added, “Spoons.” That’s it.

To which I replied, “Well that’s just plain sick.”

One of his friends then supplied a picture of an Ozark banjo groupie named “Slingblade Sally.” Get a load of this beauty.

No wonder he had a hard time responding to me, he likes both hairless and toothless.  But I was skeptical of the photo, thinking it might be a male impersonator or Caitlyn Jenner without makeup, but I was wrong, this is sweet Sally on a good day, with makeup.  Sally loves to sing and spit along, while hop skip dancing in an endless circle around the Banjo player of her affection.  Her favorite tune is Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm.  Here’s a taste of the lyrics:

I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I put a mater in da midder, Mmm Hmm
But I really like them french taters and catsuppy gators, Mmm Hmm.

I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm
I love me some banjo players in da midder of da murnin, Mmm Hmm
I squeal with them now and play with them later, Mmm Hmm

I love me some Hillbilly Ham and Cheese Samwich, Mmm Hmm

Never give a writer with a Monty Python warped sense of imagination with anything to play off of – EVER.  Welcome to immortality Daniel.

Absurd? You betcha, Mmm Hmm.