The Man Club – January 2014 (Candy Comment Rebuttal)

I follow many authors on Facebook.  Sometimes they inspire me to write and sometimes inspire me to comment on meme’s, photo’s, etc.  The following is a meme, provided by author and all around good sport Amalie Jahn posted on Facebook.

Candy

Now I ask you fellow man club members, is this really all we are in the eyes of the enemy, I mean… the lovely opposite sex?  Many years ago I went through marriage counseling, because I couldn’t figure my wife out at all.  In those sessions I learned that financial security is one of the very highest items in their well being.  So in rebuttal and armed with my growing knowledge of Photoshop I present to you the following:

Candy2

You see, perspective is a two-way street.  In 2013, we learned that women go ballistic over 50 Shades of Grey, about an other worldly gorgeous, endowed man that just so happens to be a billionaire to boot.  How convenient? Or there is Edward, not this Edward (club president and chief dictator), but the sparkling Edward, who is also gorgeous, sparkles, stands watch over Bella (the awkward stare Queen) sniffing in her scent, and drives a nice Volvo.

Amalie wondered why my rebuttal focused predominantly on financial matters.Well I don’t know, maybe because almost every love story depicts some woman being swept off their feet for a fantastical journey around the world, with some guy that happens to look like Fabio with a well endowed wallet, unworldly FICO score, and a billion dollar line-of-credit, and is willing to watch some chick flick like Mamma Mia and cry and dance along with them.

You never read stories of a truly sincere loving 5’5″ balding guy, with a beer gut, who owns a 1976 rusted Toyota pickup  (complete with 8-track and ABBA’s greatest hits) that’s parked outside by his 1975 Tradewinds double wide at Morning Dawns Trailer Park.  Why not!  We bowling ball shaped men need forcing, I mean… loving no differently than anyone else.

So then I read how men are being chained and whipped into submission, bound and forced to watch Twilight and The Help.  Men are calling 911 for assistance and getting injunctions against their wives and girlfriends.  Then they try to seduce us with candy hearts with devious subliminal messages that we are being intolerably insensitive and have only SEX on our mind.  You don’t see a male author writing 50 Shades of Kardashian, about an average bowling ball male being swept off by the Kardashian women – now do you?  That’s right, we are logical, analytical and sensical (not a word, well it should be!)  I rest my case.

So members, as you can see your dues to the club are used to counter the arguments that you are bunch of wussies all on board the wuss wuss train.  I’ve got your back as long as the $50 monthly dues keep rolling in.  Also remember our rule book

Section 66.1, Paragraph A – Just Listen!

“If your woman would rather talk than listen to your ABBA Greatest Hits collection, be prepared to pretend to listen.  Pry your eyes open with toothpicks if you must, and do not, even though your genetics scream to fix the situation, try to fix anything.  And if you are to be forced to watch some sappy flinging chick flick love story afterwards, do it with style and imagination.  I suggest a ceiling fan.”

Here is one of our club members who failed to follow the Man Club Code, aka The Book of Male Survival.

I know winter is tough men, but hang in there.  Spring will come soon and the freedom of the open air awaits.

Footnote – Thank you Amalie Jahn for being a good sport.  Please support an author today.  We love to tell stories.  Look here on Amazon for more on Amalie.

Coffee Chaos – January 2014 “Thank You For the Coffee!”

Coffee Chaos The Monthly Journal

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

A few days ago my wife and daughter convinced me to watch Mamma Mia with Meryl Streep.  It’s definitely a chick flick, but it did take me back to the days of the 1970’s, when I listened to ABBA’s music.  I love 70’s music with the exception of disco, so Dancing Queen only made me cringe.

The lyrics were better, the musicians, were in fact, musicians, but their dancing was horrible in comparison to today’s over-sexed and choreographed routines.  You gotta love all those far out fashions and platform diving shoes. But, I want melodies and lyrics to sing with.  So sometimes you just have to create your own, which I have below.  First you must have context, so watch this famous ABBA song Thank You For The Music.

Now that you have the tune in your head, let’s insert some new lyrics, because I love coffee and I want to shout it out to all my international followers (all two of you!)

So take a chance on me and sing along.  Knowing me, knowing you, I know you will love it.

THANK YOU FOR THE COFFEE©

E.W. GREENLEE 2014

I’m nothing special, in fact I’m a bit of a bore

If I tell a joke before coffee, you’ll probably get sore

But I have an addiction, a most wonderful thing

Because the Colombian Supremo just makes me want to sing

I’m so terribly grateful and proud

All I want is to sing out loud

(Chorus)

So I say,

Thank you for the coffee that I am drinking

It jump starts my brain, so I can start thinking

Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty

What would life be?

Without caffeine, who and what are we?

So I say thank you for the coffee

For giving it to me.

My father said it would give me hair like Tom Selleck’s chest,

So I just keep drinking and hoping for the hairy best.

And I’ve often wondered how did it all start?

Without it I’d not be so clever or a funny man.

Well, it may be Juan Valdez, but whoever it was, I’m their biggest fan!

(Chorus)

 So I say,

Thank you for the coffee that I am drinking

It heals my mind, after too much drinking

Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty

what would life be?

Without caffeine,  who and what are we?

So I say thank you for coffee

For giving it to me.

I’ve been so lucky, I am the guy with the insulated mug,

I wanna sing about it to every slow moving slug.

What joy, what a life, what a natural laxative!

(Chorus)

So I say,

Thank you for the coffee that I am drinking

It keeps me awake, and from slumping and sinking

Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty

what would life be?

Without caffeine, who and what are we?

So I say thank you for the coffee

I’d love to take it intravenously!!!

I know the chances of ABBA ever reuniting are almost impossible.  But if they find these lyrics enticing for a reunion, I’d sing a duet with Agnetha Faltskog.  I’ll even take my royalties in the form of coffee beans.  Can you hear my SOS?

Disclaimer – To the members of ABBA, this is a humor blog.  It’s my goal to become a famous writer and tour the world.  Please do not sue me. Please have a heart.  I have less than two beans to my name.

The 9.95 Dive

You most likely have seen this by now.  A football fan letting their emotions run wild and then the absurdly inexplicable occurs:

As a writer of satire posts, this incident just had to be made fun of.  So my first post of 2014 is coined the “Sooner Fraternity Belly Flop.

First off, I am a Sooner fan, I know many fellow Sooner fans can get unruly and even rude at times, as almost any team’s fans can.  If the bantering gets out of hand, bad things can and do happen.  I’ve seen a few things in my days while attending sports games, but none like this.

You know how divers in the Olympics are given points for difficulty and style?  Well, this lady is about to capture the Gold Medal of College Football Diving.  Let’s analyze this dive.  The Sooner Fraternity Belly Flop already has a 9.0 difficulty, but what did the diver do to earn another .95 points, here they are:

  1. Boots – dives are hard enough barefoot, add boots and you get .10 extra.  If they had just been a little more stylish, another .05 may have been awarded. Sing along time: “These boots were  made for stomping, romping over OU – these boots were made for diving, diving on top of you!”
  2. Scarf – impeding a divers vision never goes well. So another .10 was awarded as the diver hit her mark perfectly.  If you are going to dive for the camera and a bazillion smartphone cameras, do it in style.
  3. Two Row and Section Launching Platform – yes, .50 was awarded for launching herself from another section and two rows above.  She even got past her husband – I’m impressed!!
  4. Mid Air Fight Song – another.10 was awarded for singing the Bama fight song while in the air. Rooooollllll Tide!
  5. Inebriation – All of this was difficult enough, but add a few beers and still managing to do all of this garnered our admiration and another .05.  More points would have been awarded except it’s just way too common at these events.
  6. Fraternity Demolition – she has proved her courage by demolishing an entire OU Fraternity with her flop.  Usually it takes 2-3 kegs to accomplish such a feat, so another .05 was awarded.
  7. Final Kick Out – to end the dive she demonstrated the final kick(s) to land that perfect flop – .10 difficulty points.

In all sincerity, I am glad no one was hurt, except their pride.  We are human, we make mistakes, some we regret for the rest of our lives.  Each incident is a learning moment.  What we learn and how we mature from it is what defines us as “adults.”  Bama demonstrated heart and determination and can hang, along with all their classy fans, their heads high and look forward to another great season.

My father played on the 47 straight teams of the 1950’s.  Football was a way to get an education, not a football career.  I brought out his 1955 and 1956 National Championship Trophies and sat them before the TV, danced a MOJO dance, which I am sure was the catalyst for our victory.  So you can thank me later.  No diving necessary.

Trophy

I have grown to accept defeat with grace, because in the great scheme of life, it is still just a game.

Except when the #$%^#$ linebacker misses the @#$%$ tackle.  Get your #$## head back in the #$%$%$ game!  I digress as usual.

Congratulations to Alabama on a great season and run at dominance.  I hope my Sooners are back and we meet in 2015.  I may even practice my dives in the meantime.  No one should have all the glory and YouTube hits.

BOOMER SOONER!

Absurd?  OU bet it is!