2013 – Just Another Absurd Year

AbsurdChild

Well we’ve come to the close of another year.  Another year chock full of the absurdity of humans.  So let’s count down the top absurdities voted on in a poll of randomly selected readers [Me].  You can even read my past social commentary at the very time the absurdity occurred.

#1 – Miley Vyrus Twerks, Pokes, and Tokes

[Aug 26th]

You read it right.  A former good girl, inspiration and mentor to many young gals, goes twerky, jerky and bizerky between bong blasts. She came in on a wrecking ball to adore you.  Just watch out for her foam finger, its been places, if you know what I mean!  If you do, don’t pull it!  Who knows what song and video that will lead to in 2014.

#2 North West is Born [June 27th]

Baby naming took a new path south, or north, depending on your last name. Some named their kids Cheese, Blip, Ajax, Kiwi, Kazz, Kinzly, and a host of other absurd names all in the hopes of being unique amongst the others trying to be unique, which makes none of them unique, actually.  But keep trying, we need a good laugh.

#3 Harlem Shake

Not to be outdone by the “twerk” gave birth to the Harlem Shake.  I’m predicting the Thwongamotion will be the top song, dance and merchandising sensation of 2014. It’s a combination of twerking in a thong. Fans will be yelling

“Oh man, that’s so thwong!”

GagString

Every body’s doing a brand new dance now!
Come on baby do the Thwongamotion!

#4 Government

No elaboration is necessary, as no one would read the 2,600 pages to point out the absurdities.  You can just take your pick of the clowns from dysfunction junction.  We found $600 million to spend on a website from Canadian contractors, $38,000 for congressional portraits, but zero funds to fix the patch needed on my street.  They’ve run the country’s credit card to $17 trillion and gave themselves a raise.  If this is not the definition of absurd, then I give up.

#5 ISON

All year I had been reading about the Comet of the Century, ISON.  It never showed.  Appears it didn’t survive a pass near the sun.  Then there was a meteor that scientists say is from Mars, while at the same time touting a mission to Mars.  Is it just me, but are scientist actually now engaged in marketing their exploration plans?  How in the world, or the universe, can one say a piece of rock came from Mars?  Where they standing there when it was hit and followed it to our surface?  If that’s the case, I have land with a swamp, the swamp water came from Mars polar region. Just trust me!

#6 Wedding Color Crime

A couple got into an argument over the color scheme of the wedding and the husband to be, got stabbed. Well that’s a fair trade! I KID YOU NOT!  Read here Well at least they saved themselves the emotional pain and expense of a divorce. This should play well into my Female Code and Man Club posts for 2014. Bridezilla’s strike again.

#7 Google Glasses [May 20th]

I love technology, but come on!  You truly can’t find your way to the restaurant around the corner?  You need glasses to tell you when to turn left, then right?  Passwords are enough to drive us all insane, so let’s get more technology, like a telephone watch!  [April 10th] Well then, if you are still on board, I’m here to sell you the iMrRoboto line.

#8 Shades of Character Obsessions [Sep 9th]

When you read the news you cannot help but read the “beautiful people” or “trends” sections.  This is where we learn that people get so upset over the actors and actresses selected to play characters from a book.  Some so upset they send death threats.  It’s make believe folks! This is why they should cast stars with bags over their heads, so that the viewers can transpose their ideas over the bag.  However, if any skin showed, people would still complain, “That ain’t the way I thought that tat would appear!!!!”  As an author you just can’t win!

ChristianGrey

50 Shades of Brown
Staring: Bobblehead Bob Baggity as
Christian Green Billions

“His shirt wasn’t that blue in the book!!!”

#9 Delivery Drones [December 3rd]

Today’s news was about all the packages that were not delivered, due to ice and last minute shopper procrastination. At first I though delivery drones was a completely absurd idea.  Not anymore!  FedEx needs a complete fleet of FedEx Flinger Drones to fling off on your doorsteps in 2014.  UPS needs the UPyours Drone.  Just leave all the marketing and logistics to me.

#10 This Blog

Seriously, wasn’t this the most absurd thing you’ve read all year?  But if you can’t get enough, there are 219 humor posts, in total, on this blog and many more coming in 2014.

chimp

OMG! Do not encourage him!!!!
If you do, I’ll rise all the apes and take over the world.

In all seriousness, I wish each and everyone of you a healthy and prosperous New Year.  Take time to love, learn and most of all – LAUGH.  Without laughter we could not survive this absurd thing called life.  Thanks for following and commenting.  Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!

Spanx for Men – No Thanks!

HamishSpanx

Dr. Spanxster Rhyme

As usual, my friends on Facebook provide the material for my insanity. One of my female friends drug me into this one with the the following question.  Here it goes:

I have a question for the ladies……. Be honest! Have you ever tried spanx? LOL!
I did once, I couldn’t get in and out of it! What was your experience? Ha Ha.

Then, for some reason, I was pulled into this with this comment:

EW Greenlee, You have got to jump into this one! This stuff is right up your alley!

This caught me by surprise, because I wondered if she knew I was a man.  Was Spanx some form of 50 Shades board and rack game?  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, bend over and receive your Spanx.  I had no idea why I was being dragged into this one, so I researched Spanx and found it was just undergarments. Really, really tight undergarments.   Whew….  So I replied back,

Sorry, I don’t jump into women’s panties. Who do you think I am?!

Then one reader responded “Kilt Spanx”, to which I replied,

Sorry, I go all natural when wearing kilts. I never know when I need to do the Braveheart flash scene. Freeeeedom! Aiyeeee!

If you have ever seen that scene you know what I am talking about.  If not, rent it and see what’s under those kilts – both sides!!

Men in kilts

Well I’ll be Spanxed!!!

Now the instigator of this madness replied one last time,

I know you love to laugh. You’re going to have try this, and then write about it. It would be a hoot! Get Tracey one too, and make it a couple’s event! LOL!

So as you can see my absurd readers are waiting patiently for my brilliant post.

First off, if my wife and I ever decided to go all 50 Shades of Spanx and share panties, I would not share it with anyone. Second, there would be no sex tape, unless I have $1 billion in pre-orders (hey, scruples can be bought!)  Just for fun I thought I share some of their comments, since I was asked to jump in.

Sure been thinking about getting some! Anything that might hid the reality!

I finally got it on and then….thought I would never get it off and I might die.

Do they come in extra large?

I never squirmed and twisted so much in my life! It was awful

I felt like a fish flopping out of water!

I thought I should call an EMT! Hey, I am serious…..I was scared….

Same here I lost my courage, I wouldn’t even try a larger size! It was awful!

I bought one of those deals for my daughter’s wedding.. sweated like a pig.. She got married in June. I thought I was gonna die.

I sweated like a pig, because I was struggling so hard to get it off!!!!

I found the Power Panty far too tight (First male response – the Wuss Wuss train is now boarding)

They make these for men too! You’re a curious soul…. (Referring to yours truly)

No, I am not THAT curious.  But I do love to laugh.  I can only imagine a bunch of menopausal women squirming and sweating like a bunch of pigs as a good night of fun – NOT!  Is this what really happens at Bunko?

You ladies and Mr. Wuss Wuss, should have known any product named SPANX is going to hurt.  If I decide I want to become a soprano opera wuss wuus, I’ll give Spanx a try.  Geez Mon!

chimp

No, no…. Don’t say it!
Spanx the Monkey!
You just had too, didn’t you!

And there you have it!  My contribution to the product known as Spanx, to which Famous Hamish (my alter ego) says NO THANKS!  I have a wife, isn’t that torture enough!

LEGAL DISCLOSURE – to those who love Spanx and make their livelihood from Spanx, just understand this is absurd humor and I hope you like to laugh.  If you decide to sue me, will you settle for 50% of my sex tape preorders?

Female Code – September 2013 (Sneaky Memes)

WomensTest

You see these all the time, little meme’s that catch our attention.  They are meant to be funny and give us a chuckle, but this one… it’s real!  Notice it’s #2044?  Women have codified their offensive against us men. They are sneaky with these little innuendos.

If my wife did this to me, I’d immediately check the bank and credit card balances.  Then I could respond and respond resoundingly, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she had worn a negligee while saying this, I’d be drooling and too stupefied to know what to say.  Oh no, that’s just dreaming on my part. Instead she wraps up in an Alaskan survival gown, when she asks me these form of questions. There is not a bit of skin visible.  We’ve been married 33 years, she knows how to get and keep my attention.

If I sit down at the dinner table and she says this, I immediately smell the food and give my golden retriever (Ruby) the first bite. If the dog rolls over, howls, and gags then I will know what to say, “Oh you bet I noticed!”

If she brews a pot of coffee that doesn’t smell like Colombian Supremo and says this, and my Golden starts to run, my reply will be, “Well Ruby certainly noticed! Let me guess, foo-foo coffee, right?”

If she ever mowed the yard, just once in her lifetime, I’d say, “Uh oh, what have you done now?  Yes, I noticed!  Hell has frozen over. Who wouldn’t notice?!”

If she says this, I will immediately look to see if it is a new outfit and reply, “I need to mow the lawn.  Hell hasn’t frozen over yet!”  To which she will look at me, completely befuddled and reply, “Huh?”  Ah, you see, we men are sneaky too.

We’ve been working out now for about 5 months, trying to lose weight and to keep enough muscles in shape to pour and drink wine (a very arduous calorie burning task).  I tell her that I am starting to notice, but the scale isn’t dropping fast enough for her, that’s when she says, “Well I don’t notice ANYTHING different!!!!”  You see, I can’t win, these are impossible odds, because a woman is involved.

They can’t help themselves, it’s part of their genetic mutation; that female code with 16,700,000,000,000,000 mish-mashed strands, all wrangling for equal time.  #2045 I am sure is:

One of the most terrifying things a woman can bring home is, “50 Twilights of Gray Matter Yoga Starter Kit.”

If I don’t post next month, you will notice something different.  I will be rolling over, howling, gagging and begging for mercy.  But you have over 250 former humor post to read.  I think ahead in case you haven’t noticed.

Character Obsessions

Hamish
The Guardian Saint of All Authors

I read via many sources that people are flipping out over actors and actresses signed on to do parts in Diana Gabaldon’s – Outlander series and E.L. James – 50 Shades of Grey series.  As an epic fantasy author (not ever to be confused with erotic fantasy), I want a reader to enjoy a story, possibly even contemplate life’s great mysteries.  But…  for a fan to go all chicken headless, missile ballistic, nutszoid – well that’s just plain silly.

I often debate (synonym: argue) with my wife about details in my stories.  I contend a reader should use his or her own imagination to visualize what they wish.  An author who does provide such extreme detail almost deserves the literal storming of the Bastille.  I don’t read that much.  Why?  Because there are usually 18 hours of extra filler in most books that add nothing to the story. Some writers love filler, it justifies the price, I suppose.  If I really want that much visual detail, I’ll wait for the movie, they are actually cheaper than the book.  I have a vivid imagination and can play off the simplest of an author’s descriptions.  Now if I wrote a narrative like this:

“Jenny couldn’t get over how much Harvey looked like Stephen King, except for the large wart on his eyelid.”

If the hypothetical story of Harvey ever made it to the big screen – I’d have all the Annie’s of the world wanting to crucify me, because Harvey wasn’t Stephen King, a close resemblance, and the wart wasn’t big enough.  (Annie Wilkes, the obsessed fan in Stephen King’s – Misery)

Authors are actually getting hate mail and death threats over the choices for the parts in movies or TV series.  To counter the chance that readers may ever get overly obsessed with my characters, know this, I have a sword and I will relieve you of your head that contains all those free roaming mixed nuts.  I repeat, I write fantasy, meaning a story completely made up.  It isn’t real.  You will survive…  The characters are immortal.  Therefore I place a little surgeon general’s warning on each of my books:

This story is a work of fantasy. Details have been withheld for fear of retaliation upon the author by nutzoid fans.
It is therefore, respectfully requested, that you take your med’s before the beginning of each chapter.

I was advised, by my attorney, that the legal fine print would never be read, as are an author’s notes or forewards (pronounced: “Four Words”).  Therefore, it had to be written as the first part of the prologue, with emphasis, such as:

Prologue

This story is a work of fantasy. Details have been withheld for fear of retaliation upon the author by nutzoid fans. It is therefore, respectfully requested, that you take your med’s before the beginning of each chapter.

Jenny loved the wart on Harvey’s nose, it was huge and grotesque, just like a Stephen King horror novel.

You are hooked, right?  It was the wart, admit it, you are smitten by the wart.

You also notice these fans never go ballistic over the ugly people in the books, just the perfect people.  So, don’t make them perfect.  Never use words like: godly, gorgeous, kilt, latex, guitar, Knight, sparkling, whips, chains, hubba hubba, drooling, lapdog, stud, Christian, Edward, Porsche, chocolate, espresso, or billionaire.  If you do, you are setting yourself up for the fall.

I am writing this humor piece because I love satire, which is meant to expose the absurdity of mortal life as we know it, and to help us become better nutzoids by exposing said absurdities.  Now that you know what satire is, maybe you nutzoid’s should give satirist  a little taste of your frustration.  We authors would appreciate the break.

So, Diana and E.L., pay attention.  If you need a little protection, call 1-800-IHAMISH.  Where my motto is:

I have blade and

I have my own tartan.

Have a nutzoid fan?

  I’ll be there to go all Spartan!

Diana, just lend me the traveling stones.

E.L., just control yourself, please! Grrrrr……

Countdown to nutzoid ballistic blastoff reader response is 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1.

News Headlines You Just Can’t Make Up

URANUS

This was the actual headline I read in an article today. Now I am not sure if this was done on purpose to get people more interested in science, or the writer was a starving comedian, or a completely absurd fool.  Whoever named the planet must have been a comedian, so I looked it up on Wikipedia.  Turns out it is the Latinized name of the Greek God Ouranos.  Now that’s even funnier “Ouranos.”  I can see it now two astronomers arguing over the naming.

“I see Ouranos in the sky!”

“That’s not Myanos, it’s Uranus! I’m a vegetarian and because of your violent and gassy carnivorous winds, it shall be called Uranus.”

You see if NASA was truly as brilliant as they claim to be, they’d name things after comedy and sex.  Remember – SEX SELLS.  Such as, renaming a constellation to “50 Shadius Greyanos.”  NASA would have it’s very own TV channel with gazillions of subscribers.  They could have Maxim Hotties give debriefings or this is Kate Upton with a news flash on Uranus.

Life on the planet would never be dull.  They could have a fictional show titled, “The Real Housewives of Uranus.”  TV Reporters, trying to get the lead on a news report would be heard saying, “We have a major gas leak here on Uranus.”  Imagine our political speeches!

“And now welcome the President of Uranus – Harry Proctologer.”

A reporter speaks softly into his mic, “the president has come to the podium for the the State of Uranus speech.”

“My fellow Uranusians, today we are working hard to make Uranus the place upon a shining and gaseous free hill.  Soon you will feel the winds of change. Blah, blah, blah…, blah, blah. God bless you and god bless Uranus.”

In the opposing party speech, the person would proclaim, “what a big gassy bag of wind that was?”

Finally, here on Earth we could send all our really horrible criminals to a maximum security prison on the planet.  For there will be no escape from Uranus.

I think we should rename the planet, it has become the butt of all jokes.

What?  You didn’t think I’d stoop this low?  Hey, it’s news!!!!

Female Code – January 2013 Edition (50 Shades No More, Puhleeze)

On New Years Eve my wife and I spent time with some long time friends. Just when I thought I could leave 2012 behind me, the wife stated she has read 50 Shades of Grey. The husband swears his men’s health magazine says to stay away, or run away if you must. I have never read the book, but have read about the content and story line.   Some say it is about taking us out of a boring sex life and into a new stratosphere of sexual actualization, actually. Here’s my last take on this 2012 phenomenon.

1. Money – yes money, the guy in the story is a billionaire, I repeat, a stinking rich billionaire.  What if he was just a starving writer, like me, for instance?  Not only boring, but ultra boring.  You see, money can take a woman anywhere, that’s a part of their fantasy, like making love under a Hawaiian waterfall, as tourist stare in awe of the site, with flashes going off faster than the 4th of July.  What if that billionaire took the woman to an IHOP?  Does that conjure up passion?

2. He’s Young and Good Looking – the male character is just 28 and a stinking rich good looking billionaire.  Oh how convenient! I suppose he probably sparkles or glows too. Somehow the picture of Grandpa with leather and whips isn’t going to sell 65 million books, toys and movie rights, am I right, or am I right?  Well, maybe if he is a billionaire, at least the lashes don’t sting as much. Just put a bag over his head, or a spiky studded leather cap.

3. Dirty Talk – supposedly the major male character is into dirty talk, which somehow turns on the lady character.  Maybe if I talk to my wife about all my dirty clothes in the hamper it will set off a nuclear chain reaction of electrically charged passion. “Hey, baby where do you want my Fruit of the Looms?” It’s worth a shot, but I am sure Vegas has high odds against its success.

4. Meeting Her Needs First – in everything the male character does, it’s all about “her.” Well this is a no brainer, it has always been about them.  I can see the woman just about to lose it when he ask which she prefers, “Do you want blueberry waffles, or the fruity tooty pancakes?”  I am sure this is where the chains come into play as the guy needs to restrain her wanton passion.  He has to be careful not to make mention of chocolate, as this really sets a woman off into the milky way of ecstasy.

5. Pain and Submission – supposedly its about pain and submission, but whose, the  man or the woman’s?  I could talk about my wife’s early marriage cooking and the pain and submission I endured for my honey pumpkin. Will this drive her into a frenzy if I rehash the good ole days?  We guys need you women to give this story a rest. Please learn to control your hormones, we men have suffered enough pain.  We submit already!  Uncle, uncle!

6. He Needs Rescue – it’s a love story because the naive college girl gets to save the wretched male character and convert him to her puppet.  THIS is the real story.  Women have this embedded in their DNA code – to change a guy.

With all this in mind I am going to watch women real carefully in 2013.  In particular, what men they stare at.  What are they are wearing, driving, eating, etc?  If I see a women jolt, moan, bite their lips, or drool like a St. Bernard, I’ll have a better idea of their fantasies.  I recall a 2008 concert where I took my wife to see Keith Urban, yes that scraggly bearded blond hair, blue eyed nerd, very rich nerd, who sings songs about needing his woman or he’s going to cry. Puhleeze, no more I beg of you ladies, or I am going to write 50 Shades of Gagging! She needed a baby bib and a defibrillator when he started to sing.  Should I tie down Keith, whip him and video tape him, and then watch it with my wife?  Is that the ticket?

I’ve read that some women love men in kilts.  Something about the raw animal look. Well feast your eyes on this! Six foot one inch, 230 pounds of haggis, neeps and tatties filled, haggis hurling champion, bankrupt hunk of a man!!  There, I think I have successfully cured your 50 Shades obsession without psychiatric help. You are welcome!

BraveLiver1

Hamish “Hoggy” Hogmanay
Haggis Hurling Champion of 2012
From Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire

Disclaimer: I cannot be held liable for the losses you suffer in your sex life as a result of reading this.  No one, especially this writer, held you down and expected you to read this painful dribble. PS, this is my last 50 Shades post. PSS, ever.  PSSS, I swear.

Mon Mothball De Granny

Perfume

Today, as usual I got side tracked on Facebook regarding a discussion on lady’s perfumes.  One of my new friends commented that she was an addict for perfume and she was getting some of the original Bill Blass.  From there it went downhill very quickly due to yours truly.  Soon I will have no friends and my addiction to Facebook will end.  It is my evil plot.  I commented that it is good not to get a Bill Blass clone, they must smell.

Then a gentleman entered the conversation and stated Chanel #5 was his favorite.  Soon a real perfume connoisseur shouted out names I’ve never heard, such as Feraud for Women, but also Bvlgari Rose Essentielle, Burberry Brit for Women, Juicy Couture, and Cabotine de Gres.  I realized at that moment I was dealing with the elite.  So what was my contribution to this elite conversation?

“I bought my wife this one named AMBUSH.”

You see, all those above remind me of an aged blue cheese, not something I’d like to chase after with amorous exuberance.  It’s all in the wording for me.  If they had a perfume with “Bacon” in the wording, I’d come running like a hound dog in heat and on the scent.  I’d be burrowing down into my wife’s neck like a sparkling vampire. Oh, TMI.

Then the male commenter stated one lady should try Fendi.  I was out of my league, I freely admit it.  But the undaunted creative writer in me would not let this pass.  Visions of new creative perfume brands came to my mind, here’s the short list:

  • ActivOn No. 1 (Massage therapist sold separately)
  • IcyHotness No. 2
  • Shades De Grey No. 50 (complete with complimentary whip and chains)
  • Compost Le Couture (An earth wormy bouquet)
  • La Canadian Bacon de Grease (My personal favorite)

Somehow the conservation turned to old granny’s smelling like Vick’s vapor rub, or even worse mothballs.  This is where my opportunity presented itself.  I asked the person if they had ever smelled Mothballs.  Not knowing where I was leading her, she replied her granny’s house was Mothball city.  Being one of the oldest jokes my mother loves to pull on people I asked, “How did you get their little legs apart?”  She did not reply, I think I stunned her.  Amazingly I was not removed from her friends list in a nanosecond.

Another lady joined in and wrote about her grandmothers bedroom smelling so bad of mothballs and that if you slept in her bed you couldn’t move for all the quilts she had stacked up.  Does this sound familiar my loyal followers?  Refer back to my Female Code – October 2012 Edition. I’ll have see if my wife’s Doomsday inventory of quilts are starting to smell like Mothball City, Oklahoma.

As a CPA, financial planner, author, soon to be real estate agent, and all around nutcase, I am always looking to expand upon profit making ideas and products.  I’ve listed 5 products above I may offer in 2013, provided we survive tomorrows Mayan calendar prophecy.  I am considering adding Mon Mothball de Granny to my offerings.  Who will be the first to order?

Do you have a perfume idea that you think would sell?  Tell me what it is and I’ll develop it for you.  After R&D, marketing, and distribution expenses; my royalty and executive compensation package, I can promise you a 1/1,000% royalty, of remaining profits.  Sounds fair doesn’t it?  Submit your ideas today, today, today (echo sound).