Weather Chaos

For the last three weeks we have had crappy weather, which in turn lasts until Monday, so that the crappiest day of all the week is crappified by the power of ten.  If you have 3 crappy weather systems spun by polar vortices you get crap to the power of ten, tripled.  Whatever.  I haven’t used high level math since college.  The point is, enough crap already!  If I were the weather chipmunk, squirrel, or any variety of rather large rodent, even I’d take a bite out of the mayor’s ear for pulling me out of my comfy earthen bunker, interrupting the “Dancing with Rodents” season finale.

I get it, I get it – we are in a cycle of weather chaos created by global weather changing chaos.  People in Alaska are actually at the beach surfing with the Kodiaks, a bear weighing half a ton, not a couple you just met from Arkansas, while I’m here in Oklahoma writing a crappy blog that 3 people subscribe to – all family members.  I want to be outside, running around in my shorts, planting a garden and mowing my lawn like a man.  But the forecasters keep giving me more crap with winter storms Quantum, Rectal and Squantum – all just days apart.  My skin is so dry and my Eczema is so intense, I have dried skin flakes all around my face.  See!

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People in Boston are literally building ten story snow condo’s and charging rent. Recent photographs show the Nantucket looking like a giant Slurpee machine. All this explains the odd accent of Bostonians, their lips are frozen! Pipes are bursting in DC, while our politicians are on lobbyist junkets to Costa Rica, creating a government budget chaos.  But never fear, politicians are cold-blooded creatures and they will survive, they don’t know the difference, nor the meaning of the word “budget”.

This winter has interrupted my tax season more than ever, with several Monday’s being missed, forcing me to work Sundays.  Crap to the power of ten, tripled.  They say that all this cold may find us with a baby boom.  How?  Why is anyone going to get naked in this cold?  My wife has ten layers of quilts on the bed, thermal underwear and an artic burka on.  Even if I could move under the crushing weight of the quilts to make a move, de-clothing my wife would result in cardiac arrest.

The ice age is upon us and yet according to Scientific American, we can expect a rapid warming.  And that’s bad?!  If so, then warming, cooling, nor change is the appropriate word for our weather, just chaos.  We have only a few more letters left to name winter storms, then we start all over.  I keep hoping a scene out of the blockbuster movie inspired by Algorisms, “Global Crappy Chaos“, has DC frozen over in a matter of hours so that all the activities of the IRS, including email destruction, comes to halt finally fulfilling the preamble to the constitution – “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”  Hey, if you are going to have crappy weather, let’s have something positive come from it.

My point is this, life will give you plenty of crap, and weather will simply pile more of it on.  So all we can do is pull our big person thermal underwear up and deal with it the best way we can.  All I can do is provide cold crappy humor, and that should be a warming thought.

You are welcome.

Now chime in, what crappy weather story do you have to share?

 

 

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My Obituary

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I’ve never had really deep thoughts about an obituary until today.  A 29 year-old lady at my office told me I was sweet for opening the door and answering her QuickBooks questions. My reply was that I was sweet because I didn’t want my obituary to read:

“Mauled by female workers for not being sweet.”

I am outnumbered 14-1 in this accounting practice.  I need not say anything further on the subject matter. This prompted me to have really deep thoughts on other potential obits such as,

“Mauled by 50 Shaders who hated his blog posts.”

“Mauled by Female Coders.”

“Overexposed to love by 20 grandchildren.”

“Drowned in the slobbery of his Golden Retriever.”

“Massive brain trauma trying to figure out how quickly clients foul up a set of QuickBooks.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway going 25 MPH, on a clear sunny day.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway, by a drunk, texting Okie, driving a flaming 1976 Ford Pinto, during a polar vortex 12″ ice layer, driving 85 MPH.”

“Died on an Oklahoma freeway accidentally running into a Lazy Boy recliner, Mathis Brothers Sofa, or a Sleep number mattress.”

“Caught pneumonia running into front yard when polar vortex suddenly appeared overnight.”

“Suffocated under his wife’s quilts.”

“Murdered when wife reads above obit.”

“Murdered by wife when she reads 29 year-old says he’s sweet.”

“Murdered by wife when she learned he was sweet.”

“Died at desk preparing his 60,000,000 Form 1040.”

“Died in his sleep, wife suspected in murder when recording reveals he uttered his first fiancées name.”

“Found blown to bits after toilet seat left lifted.”

These are quite gruesome to say the least.  But there is a recurring theme here, that I want investigated should I actually die.

“Man killed  from blog posts.  Female assailants too many to narrow down.  Authorities press charges against wife.”

I suppose I should clean up my act and get away from Oklahoma as fast as I can.

Naaaaawwww….. that wouldn’t be any fun.

50 Shades of Love

I am going to go out on a limb today and ponder a question.  Is the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey a reflection of a bored society?

As a writer, it is my attempt to understand human nature so that I can provide a narrative to connect with readers emotions.  I ‘ve have not only read, but have been told that the book will spice up a marriage.  Are marriages in that much trouble?  I recall watching the movie based on Phillipa Gregory’s novel,  “The Other Boleyn Girl”, in a scene Anne confides with her sister that she finds herself doing the most unspeakable sexual acts to keep Henry’s attention in her.  I found this scene rather interesting, in the fact, that some women believe getting kinky is the way to keep a man’s attention in her.  Is this the message young women and middle aged women are lead to believe is the secret to lasting love in the modern era?  Some have suggested since I haven’t read the story, I have no room to critique it. I beg to differ.  I asked one of my friend’s wife would she sign a contract with a man she barely knows to agree to never speak about what is done in the bedroom?  What is the triggering signal that something is not right?  Somehow the backstory to Christian’s life and his abuse justifies the story line.

Let me give women something to ponder.  You read it in the news everyday, where some guy rapes a woman because he felt the woman was in the “right frame of mind.”  Where does this male thinking come from – movies, books, music, or conversations at the company water cooler?  Are men in the right frame of mind when we hear that 50 shades will “spice up” the bedroom?  How far should our experimentations go?

My wife and I discuss these topics often.  For 35 years we have openly discussed sex and love.  With a divorce rate of over 50%, will kinky sex decrease the trend, or will we opt out of a marriage as the easy excuse to justify when our partners no longer interest us?  We will continue to pretend that our careers and material possessions provide us happiness?  Will we find ourselves with the thought that a sexual partner’s only purpose is to provide self satisfaction?  Will women still believe they can “change” a bad boy?

I have read women defend the book as pure fiction.  Avatar too is complete fiction, yet many people suffered bouts depression after watching the movie.  Sales of adult toys are at record highs.  Pure fiction? The human mind is affected by many things. What we see, what we hear and what we read will impact us. Young minds interpret the signals differently.  My wife’s aunt was incredulous because we had no intention of seeing the movie, as though we wouldn’t have anything to discuss in social gatherings.  Are we truly this bored?

My perceptions of love are very different.  I am throwback to a different time.  I am an educated man, I recall much of what I learned in college including Maslow’s hierarchy, as described as follows:

1. Physiological needs, such as needs for food, sleep and air.

2. Safety, or the needs for security and protection, especially those that emerge from social or political instability.

3. Belonging and love including, the needs of deficiency and selfish taking instead of giving, and unselfish love that is based upon growth rather than deficiency.

4. Needs for self-esteem, self-respect, and healthy, positive feelings derived from admiration.

5. And “being” needs concerning creative self-growth, engendered from fulfillment of potential and meaning in life.

Maybe in the near future there will be a maturation in the stories our society wants to watch and read, supported by music which brings more love out in us.  When I was first listening to music as a teen in the 1970’s my favorite band was “Bread.”  Why?  It was at this time I began to notice the beauty of the opposite sex and how I felt when someone actually had interest in me.  After being with a girlfriend, which meant maybe holding hands or exchanging a short kiss, I was euphoric and the words in the music matched those feelings.  I discovered over the last few years a song by David Gates, that to me, expresses the highest level of love, of my own self-actualization, that one day I will leave this physical realm and be united for all eternity with my wife, whose smile to this very day can soften my anxieties.  I still want to feel the softness of her hand and take simple pleasure of displaying that love by holding her hand in public.  She has my admiration and respect when she is not in the mood.  Am I bored? Never.  There is so much more to life and love than sex and all its experimentations.  Maybe it’s time to make your own 50 shades of love list and share with your partner.

 

 

Man Club – February 2015 (Token Male)

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A Token!!!

In my last post you learned I was working for a local CPA firm comprised of 99.9% women, or as I call it – “Occupy Insanity Street.”  They have dubbed me a token male.  To be precise, here’s the meaning:

“anything of only nominal value”

Well… this shall not stand!  We tokens, I mean men, have to stand up for our value in society with comments like these,

“You see those kids over there?!  You think you did that all on your own?!  Who’s your Token now, huh?”

“You mow that yard in the 110 degree Oklahoma heat. This Token dares you.”

“You want that sofa moved where?  Tokens don’t do that!”

“You need help moving that box of copy paper on the top shelf. Bow before the Token.”

A Token!  The only tokens I know are the ones you use in Vegas, like inserting a token in a machine to win, or lose 99.9% of the time.  Which makes you wonder who really is in charge of the gambling industry, and why women are so well dressed, but I’ll cover that subject in a later fashion review.

As long as women continue mutation, not to be confused with maturation, there will be the need to update man club law and regulation (a very tedious and draining task).  So in order to dispel this insane idea of tokenism, here are some valuable club rules:

Section 179-b.l.a.h.b.l.a.h.b.l.a.h.

“Pretend to listen”

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Yes, it’s that easy.  When the woman is done talking or lock-jawed, whichever comes first, nod your head and reply, “I couldn’t agree more!”

Section Gr8.1

“Forced False Flattery”

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When they are having a bad hair, face and body day; tell them how lovely they are.  No Token would ever go to that much trouble.

Section Gr8.1.2.

“Daily Affirmation”

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Give them a nice little gift that will inspire their “Inner Goddess” or “Inner Rhino.”

You see, the Man Club code book is full of life-saving tips just like the three sampled above.  To show you are not a token male, renew today with your $1,000 membership fee, because the Man Club is all about being a masculine manly-man.

What?

You say the fee is too high?!

Well you #$%^$^$ worthless @#%@Q%$ TOKEN MEN!!!

I’m sorry for my outburst, I still haven’t recovered from the Gr8I812 virus spreading around “Occupy Insanity Street.”  Until next month, enjoy your manhood, it is under attack every day.

Female Code – February 2015 (Nude Tax Preparation)

Football Season - Again???

My #$%^& DRESS!

I am currently working for a local CPA firm until our move to Kauai is complete.  Yes, I know, I know… I’ve been writing about this for over a year.  A house is in the escrow process, but until then, I wanted to stay busy and make a little money.  Little did I know I’d be in the presence of an almost ALL female firm.  And they love to talk and yes, gang up on me, their token male employee (that’s my nickname). I prefer certified professional man candy. They talk about men as though we were the problems for all of society and human history, and how they can’t wait for their husbands to go on business trips, or military assignments to Mars.  I do my best to not listen, to ignore them, but they are awful loud.

Today one female presented me with material.  The woman accidentally spilled grease on a dress that she was wearing for an after-work social gathering, most likely dominated by other alpha females, who pretend to listen to your conversation, ready to catapult themselves and their day into the conversation – which would obviously be about her dress.  Personally, I think she planned this.

This lady… I mean woman…. well, a female…. wondered if she should go home to get a different dress or immediately pass go, collect $200 and then return to Park Place for shopping.  To her aid came her female gang members (comrades) with solutions on how to rid the dress of the grease stain, that looked like a decorative St. Valentine’s day heart.  Ahhhh…

Get ready for this men… I kid you not….

  1. Female # 1 – put salt on it.  So she did, wait no, it was pepper.  So the heart turned to a speckled blob, quite unattractive.
  2. Female #2 – put baking powder on it.  She asked if female #2 if she had any on her.  Well no, but there was some in the car.  So she went to the car.  Who keeps baking powder in their car?  I was afraid to ask any further.  This didn’t work either, the stain was  now the shape and size of Texas and she was scratching her leg from the unexpected discovery she was violently allergic to the mixture of baking powder and pepper.  I was laughing… very, very, silently under my breath.  Even token men can be mauled.  Never, ever, laugh at a women about her dress, and never, ever, answer the question of do they look fat.
  3. Female #3 – Battery Acid.  Well yes, you will find that in a car, but really…  She nixed this one, which is good, because the chemical reaction between battery acid and baking powder is an explosion.  I was silently cheering this option on.  What does a man do for entertainment these days?
  4. Female #4 – Splatter Paint Colors.  Go all avant-garde with a Pablo Picantesauce impressionistic work of art.
  5. Female #5 – More grease.  Yes, splash her with grease so that the dress just matches all around.  They might all get up at once and starting lobbing their French fries all over her.

This final solution was the one she thought of choosing, but to do so she would have to strip, close the door and prepare taxes in the nude.

This is when the enterprising man in me – came into the picture and the rescue.  I mentioned I would trip the fire alarm and send her rushing into the streets, where I’d have a little desk, ten-key calculator, and laptop ready to continue preparing tax returns.  By the end of the day, we’d have 1,000 new clients and she would be heftily tipped.

She didn’t think I was a bit funny or clever, and suggested I run out of the building naked.  And this clearly why women are from Venus – a planet uninhabitable, humorless, cloudy, gassy, overly heated, and unable to penetrate with logic or reason.  I could have saved this gang of women their entire lunch hour by telling her to go home and get a different dress, but heck, then they wouldn’t have anything to do in the lunch room, except batter the token men in their lives.

Further proof that the DNA Code of women is nothing more than a mutated microbe that arrived from Venus, came out of the sludge, completely nude.. ready to file your 1040EZ.

And we men, in our infinite wisdom and simplicity, are spell bound by them, well… their nude bodies.

Silly and absurd?  You betcha!