Man Club – July 2013 Edition (Hard Rock and Golfing)

man-screaming-290x216

You are back from shopping! So soon?

Men, you’ve been through this before.  Your girlfriend, fiancee or wife has just returned from shopping and she wants to tell you about the bargains she found and how much money she saved.  Be prepared – it’s going to hurt.

PuffyLips

Prada, Coach, and Calvin Klein
Oh How I want them to be mine, mine, mine!
(Sung to the tune of the William Tell Overture and Suicide Symphony)

In this month’s Female Code episode, I gave you an educational background of the real story of Adam and Eve – “The Married without Children Era.”  There in episode 666, Eve turns 54 and enters menopause in the heat of July, yet there are no men and there certainly is no pausing, so whose brilliant idea was it to call it menopause, maybe menomurder is more apropos.  So now it’s just you and your non-stop jibber-jabber soul mate from hell!  Somewhere in the female code there is no gene for logic or rational.  I shall prove my point.

“Honey, Honey… I just saved you big bucks on this new Coach bag,” says your loving succubo.

Succubo – not to be confused with a succubus, which is cool and sexy, but a succubo – an evil female demon vampire that bleeds your wallet, a turnip and the federal reserve dry.

“Great, enough for me to go golfing tomorrow?”

“Huh?” asks your sweet little succubo with a look like you are a total idiot.

“Savings – like the one at the bank where we place money into!”

“That’s not savings – that’s hoarding!!!  Savings is where you spend far less than retail!”

And so goes the debate with that sweet little snookums of a succubo you married, as she shows you the contents of her sixteen shopping bags from Prada, Coach, Calvin Recliner, Che Tre Le Vue, Coldwater Creek and Paddle, Diane Von Iceberg, Tahari Mahari Mai Tai, and Victoria’s Sucrets.  Which begs to ask the question, how is it women can find energy to carry all of this, but not one little bag of groceries.  My wife, when she arrives home from grocery shopping, honks her horn for me to serve her.  Carrying the bags – now don’t get carried away!

Logic and reason, this is where you just lost the argument and it can never be won.  Savings and shopping are not synonyms.  It is the one section of the Man Club Manly Manual I hate to refer you to:

Section 666 – Utter Defeat

In those rare instances where you attempt to apply logic, stop, for god’s sake STOP.  You will not win, you will lose, and you will have a splitting headache to boot.  To survive the seven deadly sins you must have the virtue of patience, be deaf from cranking up old 70’s and 80’s rock songs, and play golf – whether you suck at the game or not.  You must also learn nod in agreement.

There you have it men, wisdom in as few as words as possible.  That’s because we men are brief, to the point and can find a solution to everything, except personal finance, which is the “Bane of our Lives” – a new daytime soap and antacid opera. You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to nod.

Disclaimer – men this is not humor, sadly this is reality. Fooooooooore!  Elin – put that club and my golf balls away!

Female Code – July 2013 Edition (Menopausal Bombs)

It's Like Hades In Here

It’s Like Hades In Here

Welcome friends to the hottest month of the year – July.  It is also the month from Hades if you are living with a woman just beginning menopause.  For decades I have fought my wife over the air conditioning thermostat.  I needed it to be cool in the summer to sleep.  My wife needed a quilt to survive those decades.  Now as I enter the twilight years of my life (no, not the sparkling vampire Edward – the hell has frozen over Edward), I find myself increasing the thermostat and kicking off the A/C. This results in my wife getting overheated like a 1979 Ford Pinto, a ticking time bomb ready to go off.

One day the good lord and I will have a talk about the female code.  My question will be direct,

“What the heck were you thinking?!”

“My son, there are tests that one must go through in life to reach wisdom.  There are the seven deadly sins and there are the offsetting saving virtues.  You must go through each before you can enter one of the seven heavens.”

For those of you not familiar with the seven deadly sins, here they are:

Sister

Girl

Girlfriend

Fiancée

Wife

Mother

Menopausal Bomb

I’ve read the bible from beginning to end, several times, and no where does it refer to menopause.  If it had, there may be no human race to worry about.  You’d get to Genesis wherein if it had been edited correctly we would have read,

And Adam reached the age of 54 and Eve turned 54.  Eve grew a mustache and beard and legs hairier than Methuselah.  One evening Eve caught on fire, which Adam mistook for the burning bush and he said, “Not tonight Lord, it was a rough day with Cain and Abel on the golf course OMG!”

This is when Eve kicks him out of the bed and tells him to go sleep on the rock – of Gibraltar.  It was then that the world first caught a glimpse of Hades – “Hell hath no fury like a hormonal woman”, except the demons of Hades created the very first chartered Man Club and forbade any female members.  This why Pradatory was created.  It is a spiritual halfway house for exorcised obsessive and possessive female succubi, filled with nothing more than a cackling of women hens endlessly rummaging around outlet malls, never able to find the right size, color or price to suit their fashion needs.  Here there are a bazillion female souls all yacking at the same time, with no one to listen.  They flee into the ethereal world and attack men in their sleep with dreams wherein the age-old question arises, “Do I look fat in this Prada?” It is a miserable place and the women tear each other to shreds over 50% off Coach purses.  Even Dante feared to write his own interpretation of this replica of hell – The Divine Diva Madness.

The lord has told me that one virtue will save me above all else and that is Patience.   It’s a good thing that most men lose their hearing – this is the only aid to assist us with Patience, other than golfing. So turn up Van Halen’s great single “Why Can’t This Be Love?”  to 398 decibels until your ears ring with pain.  Then you must learn the art of agreeable nodding.

Women who enter menopause present a whole new series of mutated genetics and our journey to understand this beast called “Woman,” which was created from spare BBQ ribs, will be further out of reach.  Oops, my wife is calling me.  Time to go golfing and I suck at golf. (sigh)

Disclaimer – remember ladies this is just humor, not reality.  If this offends you in any way, go tell your husband.  Just make sure your decibel level is 400.

Cougar Boot Camp

I read a lot, mostly financial news, but I glance at articles regarding the trends of society.  I am an independent and worldly thinker, I read liberal and conservative news sources, as well as foreign sources.  It was yesterday I read this on Fox News, which some of you will immediately think I am right wing nutcase. That’s your choice, I just want both sides of the opinion camps before I apply logic and reason to make up my mind.  Sometimes you find the most interesting articles, such as this one.

Top 10 Cougar Resorts

We would send our golden retriever to a pet resort when we traveled, but how does one corral a cougar to get to the animal resort?  Being an extremely curious person I read on.  Boy was I uninformed!  All of a sudden, I felt as though I had been released from a medieval prison to see the first light of modern era, the renaissance of absurdity.  I had no idea men eating women existed!  The article says women don’t take young men to the resorts, they prefer to flirt and hit on the resort staff, especially tennis and golf coaches.

Hmm…

Having the devious mind of writer and a robber baron, I am beginning to see the financial possibilities of a Cougar Boot Camp.

For $2,000 you can spend a weekend at Big Bollock’s Bobby’s Cougar Boot Camp.  That’s right, but this isn’t for the cougars, but for young men who want desperately to be cougar meat – a slab of mouth watering affluent confident woman spare ribs.  You can have it all!  There’s nothing that says “Modern Man” like having your very own sugar momma.  Although I thought there was once a similar term, like “gigolo”, but then again I’ve just arrived, a survivor of the Spanish inquisition and I may be mistaken.

Here’s the agenda.

Day 1, Saturday – Attraction Mode:

  1. Pole Stretching – in order to obtain the highest tips, one must have buns tighter than a paper clip of titanium.
  2. Faux Tennis Instructor – by the end of the two hour session, your cougar will be able to leap over the net in a single bound.  Then the real lessons begin!
  3. Faux Golf Lessons – Here you will be taught to assist your cougar with her swing.  If you never leave the tee box from your efforts, you are sweet cougar meat – congratulations!
  4. Waiter in a French Waiter Outfit – You will learn the ancient art of “bend and scoop.”  Sooo wrong on sooo many levels, but hey, if the cougar persists you have no choice.
  5. Cougar Sack Race – use your own imagination, sicko!
  6. 50 Shades Disco Night and Spin the Bottle – hey, you dared to be a cougar hunter, but no one said it would be pain free!  Sorry no refunds.

Now your ready for day 2.

Day 2, Sunday – Survival Mode

  1. Rose Colored Glasses – you will be supplied your very own personal pair of rose colored glasses.  This will ease the pain of the day’s glare and other sights.
  2. Antacid Eating – set the world’s record.  Current record is held by Carlos Javier.
  3. 151 Rum – a compliment to the rose colored glasses. Heed the warning label about exposure to flame and menopausal cougars.
  4. Listening Skills – it’s not about you, it has never been about you, this is the cougar conundrum.
  5. False Accent – nothing kills a cougar like an accent, whether a Scottish knight, a french king, or a Wahabi Bush Medicine Doctor. Be mesmerizing.
  6. False Flattery – to compliment your false accent, should you be asked about your opinion on the cougar’s appearance, you must have the wisdom to utter only complimentary words such as, “Yez madam le cougar, zee ure zee moss beautooful voman in zee univass!”
Hairless

Carlos Fernando “Cougar Killer” Javier
Tums World Record Holder – 3 cases

That’s it!  You are ready to tame the tigress in every affluent single middle aged woman at the resort.  Big Bollocks Bobby is pleased to have guided you in your transformation to modern man.

Absurd?!  Hey, I don’t write the news, I just abuse it. Which brings me to the point where I hit on you, the reader, to buy my newest book, Cougar Zombies in Love – a middle aged wannabe young adult female classic to be. Welcome to the modern adult world.

A Call to all Women

screaming-woman

Damn You Lilith

This is a call, like the lighting of a beacon, for the response of as many women as possible.  I am an author and a man, a manly man.  I don’t have hidden feminine traits.  Therefore, you might consider me an old fashioned Rhett Butler type.  I write about heroes and heroines as I would like to see them.  Right now I am on the 5th book of a 19 story mythology.  This current story deals with the fall of a world by an evil queen, who wasn’t always evil.  As I discussed the plot with my editor (my wife) she mentioned that she hoped I would try to explain why women can be, well, so petty.  As a manly man in search of the great mysteries in life, frankly my dear I haven’t a damn clue.

So, with this in mind, this story has to do with two queens, one who is targeted by evil for her shortcomings, her vices.  If you have ever studied the seven deadly sins you know that you can probably pinpoint any human failing from one or more of those deadly vices.  Haggarfuse the Deceiver, an immortal bent on rebellion, is well aware of these vices now from observation of the fall of the first heavenly world of Helloria (book 4 in edit phase).  He is now on a mission to use these mortal weaknesses to create the most evil queen ever and I mean ever, to destroy the world of Europia.  This is a story I have been drooling over for at least three years to write.  What things have modern women seen that even they despise in their own sex?  This is where you ladies can come to my aid.  You can even respond anonymously.  I can write my perspective as a man and frankly my dears, be shot down as a sexist pig.  So remove the male perspective and hit your own sex with your best shot.

In my image above I refer to Lilith [Read more in this link] as one of my inspirations to this evil queen.  In some legends Lilith was the first wife of Adam.  Yes, that’s right.  Adam was divorcee, so to speak.  Lilith would not submit to Adam and was cast out of Eden to become the first succubus [Read more in this link]   She even mated with the archangel Samael (talk about juicy material?)Some legends even state she invades infant cribs to rob the breath of infants, as her revenge against Eve. Therefore women chanted a lullaby to protect their infants from Lilith who became a demon.

This is just one source of original evilness that is going to relentlessly attack and destroy an innocent female child and subsequently the world she is a part of.  Don’t be dismayed there is also a good queen in the story, although it must be a tragedy, it will end on a positive note.  Queen Maggith is the lead evil character, a name I derived from a combination of Maggot and Lilith.  Unfortunately, a friend of mine from Corpus Christi wanted to be in one of my books, so I made her the good queen Tamylla, and then her friend Maggie also wanted to be in one.  Well Maggie, sorry, but you drew the last straw.  Please don’t hate me forever. Maggith is going to be terrible, every woman on earth is going to hate her.

For those of you ladies who may not know these vices here are the seven deadly sins:

  1. Pride – considered the highest sin of all.
  2. Lust – a definite theme in this story
  3. Greed
  4. Envy – what can I say!
  5. Gluttony
  6. Sloth
  7. Wrath – hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (one of my chief themes in this story)

So, place on your thinking tiara or crown, and tell me what characteristics you think would make the most awesome evil queen ever.  What causes women to be petty?  Thanks for being a good sport too.

A Life of Passion

Unseen

If I could wish anything for my family and friends, and even strangers – is to live a life of passion.  It has been said that doing what you like is what will provide the most happiness in life.  For most of our lives we are working.  Yet most go through the motions to obtain a paycheck.  Then they go home turn on the TV or the computer and indulge in the news or entertainment of the world – other people’s worlds.  Get busy making your own world.  Over the years I have found solace in many forms:

  1. Exercise and sports – I’m 54, but I still have passion for shooting basketball and playing tennis.  I have a desire to stay fit and trim, to beat the odds that I won’t be a sedentary senior.  I’d rather go out in life young pushing that limit than to be pushed around in wheelchair.
  2. Gardening – I live in Norman, OK.  Not necessarily a place of natural beauty, but with effort and passion I can watch plants bloom to fill the green and brown void with various color. Create your own paradise.
  3. Travel – We have this world created for us filled with immense beauty.  I have a passion to see these great natural wonders and to set out on unexplored paths, but if I can’t I find places nearby.
  4. Passionate People – nothing is greater than being surrounded by people who are passionate about life.  If you stop and listen to them you will hear them tell their stories with a glow on their face.  Then after listening to them, they will want to know about you.  You cannot expect to have these friends if you cannot give them a moment of your time, no matter the distance between you. When you go out of your way to see people, you are telling them, “You are special to us.”
  5. Guitar Playing and Singing – I am not a great player or particularly great singer, but I love to try to figure out the chords to a favorite song or how high I can pitch my voice.  I would dance, but I am crappy dancer.
  6. Drawing – Ever since I was a young child I have enjoyed drawing what my mind sees.
  7. Writing – I may not be great writer, but I do have a great imagination.  I find peace putting those thoughts into a story, short or long. Take a chance at poetry. I can entertain myself without the use of technology.

None of these require any great deal of money.  What they do require is the sacrifice of your time.  You have a choice, to work yourself to death for material possessions or to live life.  Yes, some people are willing to risk the loss of time for these possessions.  In my experience through life I can say I have never met a truly passionate and happy wealthy person.  Their time is more concerned with the maintenance of that wealth than actually enjoying all that wealth can provide. As a CPA I have seen people stress over taxes as though they might lose an arm or a leg.  Take all your allowable deductions, pay your taxes and then get busy living a passionate life.  When you bring your stress to a CPA, we become stressed.

For 30 years I sacrificed my time for career, family and yes, even for material pursuits.  All I accomplished was lost time and money.  I used that money to help others and rarely was it appreciated.  Now as I move into the last productive years of my life all I truly have left is time and now it is fleeting faster than a jet.

So as you consider your current phase in life ask yourself if you are using your time wisely and passionately.  Do you have something that provides beauty to the eyes?  Have you played an old tune, danced and sung to it lately? Have you taken time to write a story or learned to play a musical instrument?  Have you exercised and stretched those aching muscles?  Finally, have you surrounded yourself with those of common interest and passion and laughed so hard you almost wet your pants? These are the moments in life I treasure more than anything. I live passionately for the next moment.  All other events in human history I have no control and to be anxious of those moments is to be foolhardy.   Age brings about wisdom.

Sing your own tunes, giggle at your own book,

The more you smile and laugh, the more people look.

They may gossip, they may even be mad,

be the example of a life to be had.

Plant a seed and watch it flower,

wash away doubts from a cool spring’s shower.

A journey in a world exists in your mind,

cast away excuses and find the time.

Never lose faith or your compassion,

but live your life and do so with passion.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mastering The Art of Deflection – Cat Meme Overload

We humans are an interesting species.  We rarely take a good hard look in the mirror, instead we project our insecurities onto others and even the animals species.  When we do this we feel better about ourselves.  We laugh at ugly dog and cat contests to deflect our own imperfections and if anyone calls us out, we cry foul as someone hits a home run over the political correctness ballpark.  What if animals could talk? Would we like what they have to say?

GrumpCatJune

As far as I know Homo Sapiens are the only life form that evolved with a brain to apply logic and reasoning.  Now you don’t see grumpy cat, or any  cat,  running around in a G-String at your local SuperBrainMart.  Oh no, we have these shopping centers set aside for this single species who deal in logic and reason – GggggacACK (Sorry, hairball)

You don’t see grumpy cat holding a smart phone and falling into a subway or water fountain.  Soon we will witness more brilliant Homo Sapien ingenuity with smart watches and glasses so we can – take photos of cats and other people to make fun of. I love watching technology advance and progress the intellect of the human species.

What if animals had their own social media like – Nutters, Moron+1 and FurrBook?  What would they post about us?

FurrBallBook

Of course we’d be spying on our own cats and extending our voyeuristic nature.  Then we’d hack FurrBook and upload salacious photos, or post nasty comments to intimidate our fellow cats.

CatinBikini

My point to this rambling is, well, nothing really. I was just experimenting with Photoshop and Illustrator.  But if we are not careful, we will evolve into Homo Absurdious and cats will rule the world, like they don’t already.

Twilight VIII – Revenge of the Herapalca

On July 4th I had a relaxing day sitting by the pool sipping Mai Tai’s with very old friends.  We talked about new grand babies and those not yet arrived, diets, movies, etc.  Of the funniest moments was a discussion of the Twilight series. My friends wife asked me about my mythological stories and somehow we came upon the success of the Twilight books and movies. They watched them all so I asked her weren’t they getting sick of vampires, werewolves and zombies?  My friend’s wife said she had a thing for Jacob more than Edward.  Her husband replied that he liked the series but that Jacob reminded him of an Alpaca.

Not having seen the movies or the character, I researched his claim and by God it appears others agree, here is the evidence.  I thought he was a werewolf, not a herapalca.

TAYLOR-LAUTNER-ALPACA

Who knew Alpaca’s could be so sexy before their transformation?  So why aren’t there supernatural Alpaca stories?  They can be quite dangerous, courageous and sensual.  Mix a little Alpaca Kung Fu, spitting and hurling fur balls and you have a perfect arch nemesis, plus Bellarina will stay very, very warm as they hide out in the cold forest as she makes a plethora of awkward stares and little meaningful dialogue.  Trust me it will be a huge international bestseller, Twilight VIII – the Revenge of the Herapalca.

Alpaca Kung Fu

Alpaca Kung Fu
Aiyeee Yaaaa!

So for all you Meyer’s wannabes, get busy writing something original – bring in the pack of sexy and furry Alpaca’s.

AlpacaTeeth

Don’t call me Fluffy!
I’ll rip your bloody spleen out.