I don’t watch TV that often, but when I do, it is to learn something I never knew. My wife and I watched a show called “The Epic Tale of Everyday Things.” We are both coffee lovers, well, more like addicts to tell you the truth. In this show we learned that coffee was discovered in Africa when a herder of goats noticed goats eating the berries off a bush and then began acting, well, abnormally jittery, full of energy and extremely happy.
Wanting the same pick me up, the herder decided to try the berry and to no surprise, well, it tasted like goat crap. Then the bush caught fire, which they didn’t describe how, but I take as divine intervention and the second coming of the burning bush. The herder loved the smell of the roasting berries, so he tried chewing it again and it still tasted like goat crap, just toasted. So the ever resourceful herder decided to soak the roasted beans in hot water and voila! Coffee. All thanks to a goat.
Now your favorite author (that’s me!) loves the purity of coffee. I love it strong and black and just like the original goats I’m sure I’d eat the berries alone for the effect. Did I mention I was an addict?
Then along came the modern techno savvy man and coffee was no longer good enough. Oh no, we had to create trendy little shops where everyone can bring a laptop, tablet, smart phone, Cray supercomputer, a sleeping bag and tent, and their relatives from Brooklyn to “share” the ambiance of the place.
Then they began to torture all the hard work of the herder and the courageous goats by adding processed crap to it. Milk is okay I suppose, but come on! Who needs cinnamon, chives, and all the other senseless additives to coffee?! Really? Each person in line had to outdo every person in front of them with some new insane order, like these:
- Tall, Non-Fat Latte With Caramel Drizzle
- Grande, Iced, Sugar-Free, Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk
- Triple, Venti, Soy, No Foam Latte
- Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato
- Decaf, Soy Latte With An Extra Shot And Cream
- Tall, Half-Caff, Soy Latte At 120 Degrees
- Non-Fat Frappuccino With Extra Whipped Cream And Chocolate Sauce
- Venti 1/2&1/2, 10 Pumps Vanilla, Extra Whip
- Grande, Quad, Nonfat, One-Pump, No-Whip, Mocha
- Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip
Oh yeah, well top this you hipsters!
“I’ll take an Anatolian Two-Pump, Extra Fat, Wacky Weed, Regurgitated, Non Roasted, Goat Grounded, Frothing and Foaming at Every Orifice, Black and Hairy Quad Shot of 2000 Degree Tall Burning Molten Bush Colombian Supremo!!!!!”
All of this chaos over the simplicity of coffee. It’s absurd.
So next time you decide to order a 007 triple cinnamon latte grande (shaken but not stirred), remember that Goats were the original rock stars and coffee trend setters. So stop by and pay homage to the next goat you see.