Where has all the humor gone? Only IF…

Terminator2

We are nearing the end of 2017 and if you read the news or hashtags on social media you realize quickly we have lost our humor.  If we post anything it will either be considered sexist, bigoted, racist, or non-humanist.  This is why I am no longer picking on humans, but technology created by humans.  Technology is cold and sterile and has very limited logic to find itself offended, unless it has human overrides to insert illogical code like the following:

IF poster insults code
THEN flash middlefinger.jpg
ENDIF

Well you see, I’ve a little bit of programming experience and it all begins with the IF statement.  But these little code jewels can become rather complex if you nest multiple illogical IF’s, like the following:

IF poster is looking at sexy photo
THEN INSERT lawsuit
ELSEIF poster drooling
THEN take photo of poster with his own camera as evidence for lawsuit
ELSEIFIF
THENIFIF poster not whistling, drooling or looking at photo
EXIT shut down poster for being insensitive for lack of attention
ENDIF
ENDIF
ENDIF

Now this is all code for an Artificial Intelligence engine that has to make value judgments by computing 2,348 NESTED IFS all at the rate of 23 million nanoseconds.  If you don’t select LIKE or RETWEET you are bombarded with hate responses.  Soon the ELSE statement will be replaced with OR#ELSE, as seen in the following code:

IF partner veers attention to CallOfDuty35
THEN ask politely to turn off and give attention
IF partner pretends to not hear
THEN shout loudly
OR#ELSE break new fruitcake lamp his momma gave him for Christmas over his fathead
ENDIF
ENDIF

And don’t leave out the BUT.BUT.IF statement,

BUT.BUT.IF I’ve only been playing video.games for <=48.hours
THEN I’m not ignoring you SWEET.HEART
END.BUT.BUT

Maybe artificial intelligence will wipe out the IF statement and create something completely logical so that no one can be offended. When you press post it should say “Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?” If you press YES, it gives you one last chance, “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.” This brilliant code might look like this,

#HEY.STUPID.U #POST.THIS.U.MORON
THEN pack to Siberia DISPLAY “”Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?”
PRESS.2ND = TRUE
ELSE send #TERMINATOR DISPLAY “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.”
STOP ALL BUT.BUTS
#END.STUPID.U

We have spell check, but how about “meaning check?”  This way it can tell you how much trouble and the wrath of Twitter will be rained down upon you.  Now I’d pay for that form of technology.

Only IF.

 

 

 

 

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Snooze and Other Facebook Features Needed for 2018

Snoring Woman and Husband Covering Ears

Today I noticed a new Facebook feature titled “snooze”.  At first I was elated, nothing would be more apropos than to click this feature and have a snoring sound project on people whose posts are too long or politically charged.  I mean come on, 2017 was the year that Facebook and other social media sites have been targeted for political and other social slamming.  Everyone is slamming everyone, making the Game of Thrones series appear like child’s play.  Sadly, I was informed that it just puts a follower on pause for 30 days.  Well, hell.  Where’s the fun in that?  Give me a pause feature, that posts a picture of a person with his hand waving a pointed index finger and saying, “you’ve been paused for 30 days, no offense.”  I was hoping I could even send a messenger notification that I was going to snore on someone, so it wouldn’t hurt their feelings too much.  You see, I’m not a PC person.  If someone is whinning on Facebook I want to send them a Facebook coloring book for adults along with a pacifier.  I just want to help people.

So with this in mind, here are the features Mr. Ruckerberg, I mean Mr. Burgerberg, no wait it’s Mr.s Zingerberger, oh whatever his name is, that I want these top ten items to be added in 2018:

  1. Snore – not sneeze or snooze, but snore.  I want to help those that I’m following know that I do read their posts, but have difficulty staying awake through it all. I’ve recorded my wife’s snoring.  Trust me, it can wake the dead.
  2. Shock – a feature that sends an electrical shock to the fingers of the poster to let them know they just shocked you with their content, and that Mother Carol at divinity school never taught you such language.
  3. Rose or Fart – this is where the computer, connected to an oil diffuser can send either a bed of roses or a rather rude farting sound along with an obnoxious and toxic smokescreen of thick green gas into the air.  The full intent is to reward you for good behavior or punish so severely they dare not post such dribble again. It may be toxic, but it’s non-violent tough love. You may hear your parents, roommate, lover, or children (or all of them at once) scream out, “Cheesus Rice!  Check your britches… puhleeze!”
  4. Mass Extinction – this delightful click icon will send your post to all 700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 (latest count)  Facebook followers so that SHLSJW (Super Hero League Social Justice Warriors) will rain down on you, after they finish their coloring books and cosplay convention.  Don’t worry, you can also click on the Australian Outback Safe Space button to have Mr. Singerburger send you a one way ticket there without any ability of being traced ever again.  That sounds like a lot of fun.
  5. Instant Facetime – this click allows you to take control of the poster’s computer and camera to see if they really are a hot chick from Cleveland that requested a messenger connection named “Izaneed Love”, or Bubba of Bubba’s Bubbaburgerberg six patty jumbo burgers.  Okay, on second thought, scratch that idea…  No wait, there’s still the mass extinction button there so that you can reunite all the other “Izaneed Love’s” in the world.  Go ahead and keep that one, yea, yea.
  6. Momma – this simply posts everything to your momma, who is not on Facebook, in a brown paper special mail delivery package.  Included will be an Amazonia, Inc. shock & stress squeeze ball. Every time she sees the mail person delivering a brown wrapper marked DinkerFaceBerg, Inc. one little squeeze and you’ll get the meaning of “Slap on, Slap off”.  Wait, you say that’s not the original slogan.  Well, laddy dah, it appears I’ve just started a new trademarked trend. You read it here first, so don’t try to capitalize on it Mr. Finglebursterberganeggar.
  7. YTREWQ – this click button reverses your QWERTY key board and pauses you for 30 days until you act like a nice child with manners, this goes for all you baby-boomers out there.  Everything you type will be typed backwards and from right to left.  People will also think you are stoned.  If you try to type everything backwards it will reverse automatically.
  8. NITAL GIP – this click is if you try to fool the AI engine at Facebook by using voice recognition overriding #7 above.  What will happen is that your posts will be translated to Pig Latin and played in reverse.  If you try to talk in reverse pig latin, it will be reversed again into a rapper’s version of “You light up my life”.   People will think you are on drugs and a formal investigation will take place by the FBI.  They will think you’ve colluded with the government of grebrekcuZ of the planet Koobecaf to affect the outcome of WWIII.
  9. Nunya – this when you get those unsolicited friend or messenger requests from some hottie wearing a thong, or Bubba wearing a thong once you press #5 above, and have all your future pictures posted layered over their half naked body with a nun outfit.  This should reduce the number of scamming in the system.
  10. Bullya – similar to shaming someone with a nun outfit, the last button to stop and deliver justice for anyone found bullying another person. This feature finds your true identity and sends your address to Uber Guido, Inc. These guys have shovels and are very resourceful of placing people into permanent hiding.  No one has still found Hoffabergameister or whatever his name was.

Now I know this doesn’t cover Twitter, but if you can, please add a feature in Twitter, I  call it the “Flitter” that will send a little butterfly flittering across the screen that will connect you to a direct feed of “Izaneed Love”, aka Bubba, in his thong for 30 days as a means of cleaning up our attitudes.

Finally, can someone simply create a Hackerberg button in all apps to locate Hackers that will immediately send Uber Guido to their location?  We can be a shining example for the universe, if you only just give me the power to rule it.

Happy New Year folks.

 

2017 – A Year in Review

chimp

 

Yes, it’s another year, but what a year! Not only did I relocate from Hawaii to Florida, but I outran hurricane Irma and used my Christmas gift budget on teeth.  But enough about me, let’s digest what in the world happened to the world during the craziest year in my full 58 years of life.

WWIII

Article after article suggest WWIII could break out in five different places like North Korea, the Persian Gulf, Ukraine, etc.  But I would add a sixth or seventh place of origin – TWITTER or FACEBOOK.  Is it just me but are people hurling more bombs in these anti-social media sites?

Government Corruption

Okay, no change here, moving along.

AI

Actual Ignorance increased by astronomical amounts and is expected to be the eighth cause of WWIII.  Articles such as the thief who had to text the police to pull him out of a chimney, for a house he was about to rob.  Listen dude, get off the crack and stop watching Santa movies, it’s warping your mind more than mine.

AV

Autonomous vehicles made the news more often, but if we head towards WWIII, it might be that it begins when we realize that you can only go 25 MPH.  This is when you take control to go 50 MPH and cutoff all other AV’s, when the AI (the other AI) can’t handle the computations.  I predict massive casualties and 100 million car pile-up.

EV

Electric vehicles are all the rage now.  Here in Naples, FL I’ve actually seen Tesla recharging slots at a retail center with not one Tesla vehicle being recharged.  Of the 400,000 orders in place for the Model 3, the company was able to produce 262 in the third quarter.  That means in 1,526 quarters all orders will be filled.  I think that equates to 381 years.  Technology is so blindingly fast.  Don’t get me started on Windows 10.

FUPTA

I just made this acronym up so that I’d appear all cool and hip.  Talk among yourselves and be creative what it might stand for.

Star Wars 2017

Setting records big time, but did anyone ever question why there aren’t any ADS’s (Autonomous Death Stars) and why ES’s (Electric Starfighters) are not in use?  Not so futuristic after all, is it?  Why not just let AI take hold, grab yourself a seat with a huge bag of popcorn and supersized drum of pop to watch C3PO defeat AVEV3, or listen to Alexa take down Siri in an AI intellectual death match.

Social Media Brain Washing

We’ve been told that social media is now influencing our political thoughts and that we simply are not intelligent enough to discern a foreign government’s influence in the election process.  So wake up comrades and stop viewing all the puppy and kitten videos, wine memes, and messenger requests from “Inizzi Love” or “Igotta Love” – these are all communists indoctrination ploys.

The Other AI

You’ve been warned, the start of WWIII will begin when AI decides to takeover the world. That makes about a bakers dozen for reasons WWIII is coming.  From one report I read, Facebook had two AI engines that actually created their own language and had to be shut down.  I think they were ordering pizza on the company account.

Game of Thrones – Final Season

No matter what triggers WWIII, it will only happen until we see how the really narcissistic despot rulers deal with all the distrust and hatred. I’m sure it’s not going to be a series of Tweets.

Outlander Season 3

My wife, a fan of the books and shows, convinced me to watch with her.  I’ve liked almost everything up to the point where Claire returns to the past.  This is where my logical thinking couldn’t reconcile parts of the story.  It all moved a little too fast for me – from Scotland, to Jamaica, to Georgia in such a relatively little amount of time, with no assistance from Elon Musk.  I mean really, those portals were invented by him so that Claire could bring pizza back from the future, there’s no other explanation for having them if you are not going to use them, just like a Tesla recharging slot.  Then there’s the hurricane scene that just cropped up in a matter of minutes after the completion of hanky-panky.  They survive to get rest after the eye arrives, but what about the back side?  Ah ha!  I’ve survived Irma, without any pizza portals.  I’m sure season 4 will be about pizza portal franchises as a front for sedition.

But I digress.

Happy New Year

On a serious note, we do not know when the end will arrive, so live each day as it was your last.  Find time to laugh and find time to love, even if you’ve been through hell like James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.  Please forgive digressions, like mine.  May your New Year be filled with prosperity and hope that one day we will evolve from AI without the aid of AI (The other AI).

The Twelve Days of Dental Christmas

Before and after

I’ve never had good teeth and I’ve even had dreams of having my teeth crumble all at once.  This last Thanksgiving I had two lower molars just crumble, one week between each.  I kid you not, all I was eating when the first one crumbled was Oatmeal. Yes, Oatmeal. The second one was when I was chewing on a power protein bar.  I already had an upper left crown that needed replacing.  So when I made an appointment to see where I stood with regards to dental health, I was advised I needed four crowns.  Well it was either wait for the other two to crumble and search for a job in Arkansas, do impersonations of a spitting Sylvester the cat, “Sufferin Succotash”, or have myself a merry little Christmas with new crowns to chew.  I feel like I’ve been ordained four times now and Edward is very kingly name.

But the diagnosis isn’t all that great, I have so many worn off teeth that my dental plan now stretches until death, plus two years.  But my dentist is very happy, he may even be able to meet his alimony payment this month.  With all this said, you can either laugh or cry, and I’m too macho to cry, even when they hit a nerve after the Novocain has worn off.   To laugh at this I’ve decided to share one of my famous sing along parodies, this one of the Twelve Days of Christmas – the Dental version.  Merry Christmas to my massive followers, your family, and teeth.

On the first day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, a box of floss for free.
On the second day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the third day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the fourth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the fifth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the sixth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the seventh day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the eighth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, eight extractions flinching, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the ninth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, nine drills a drilling, eight extractions flinching, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the tenth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, ten implants planting, nine drills a drilling, eight extractions flinching, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, eleven pictures of his yacht while a dancing, ten implants planting, nine drills a drilling, eight extractions flinching, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my dentist gave to me, twelve moments of leaping, eleven pictures of his yacht while a dancing, ten implants planting, nine drills a drilling, eight extractions flinching, seven teeth a whitening, six shots of Novocain while I’m laying, FIVE PORCELAIN CROWNS, four wisdom removals, three filled cavities, two bite X-rays, and box of floss for free.

If you’ve followed me to the end of this very silly song, just floss and brush.  Getting old is a bitch, but gumming your food is not an option.