Top Jobs Sought in 2013 – #1

The top job for 2013 is a new one, because we are just now starting to figure out the scam.  The top sought after job of  2013 is:

POLITICIAN

Congress

That’s right a politician.  Now that we all realize how very little they actually do, even with a 9% approval rating, their bosses (taxpayers) let them keep coming back.  Wow, sign me up.  Nowhere in the universe do you get such perks for performance.  Let’s just count those perks:

  1. Guaranteed pension for life
  2. Guaranteed healthcare for life
  3. All the assistants you want
  4. Jets
  5. Chauffeurs
  6. Limo’s
  7. Security guards
  8. Lobbyist junkets
  9. Guaranteed book deals
  10. Paid speaking engagements
  11. Investments that earn 1000%
  12. Paid directors fees for sitting on corporate boards

Nowhere in the universe can you overspend your income by trillions and still not have a mob at your front door.  Politicians get to increase the debt limit and borrow from foreign countries increasing your share of that debt, but somehow convince you it is in your best interest.  Just make sure you learn Mandarin or Arabic when the creditors call, Ni Hao!  They dictate (herein after referred to as a mandate) what others should do, but exempt themselves.  Wowee wow wow! They pass 3,000 page bills and not even read them. They hold really long meetings, accomplish nothing, and then get patted on the back for it, I think they call this a filibuster, but they might as well call it a taxpayer back breaker, because we pay for this nonperforming performance. If they are ever caught doing something illegal or unethical, they don’t go to jail, they pass go and collect $200, just as long as they resign from being a committee chairperson.  They don’t have to have solutions, just point out that the other sides solutions are bad, bad, bad.

I am an independent, I see the absurdity of both political philosophies. The fiscal cliff is a prime example, one side wants to raise taxes and the other side wants spending cuts.  Both sides say we must avoid this cliff, yet the cliff achieves what they say they want.  Only from the minds of politicians can such universal chaos be created, and they call this “public service.”  I don’t know about the rest of you, but if government is the full service solution, I think I will make 2013 the year of self service, that and run for public office.  Hey, is there anything wrong with cashing in on the easiest job in the universe?

Oh, and my son, you remember the guy who wanted a tanning salon, or to be a video game tester? He now wants to be a politician.  He surprises me every so often.  If you need assistance in becoming a politician send $1.2 trillion for the self help books of the millennium, Do if Yourself Deficit Deflection and Defense for Dummies”, or Fiscal Cliff Finger Pointing and Painting. So order today, today, today (echo.)

HAVE A HAPPY AND POLITICALLY PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR

BBB Enterprises

1234 Suckers Way

Grand Cayman Islands

Call today 1-800-LEEC-HES

Disclaimer:  This is satire, or if you prefer very sick and twisted humor.  If you truly want to end any future humor posts, then help me win a senate seat in 2014.  I promise to end all writing, including any bills that just might become law.

Top Jobs Sought in 2013 – #2

The second most sought after career in 2013 continues as it has for many years.

Video Game Tester / Player / God

VideoGame

That’s right video game tester.  Sales of video games are around $25 billion. This requires a lot of testers before the games hit the market.  In South Korea it is at a different level:

“In South Korea, video games are considered to be a major social activity—locally developed Role-Playing games and MMORPG games have proven very popular in the country. Professional competition surrounding video games (especially those involving real-time strategy games) also enjoy a substantial following in South Korea—major tournaments are often broadcast on television, and have large prizes available.”

Most young guys are now addicted to video games and prefer them over sex.   How sick!  My son and his friend once thought they were going to be video game testers.  My daughter’s ex-husband thought he was going to be a video game God in South Korea, if he could only get to South Korea.  You see, video game playing is hard work, it requires excellent eye-hand coordination and “Depends” underwear.  It requires superbly strong and toned finger and wrist muscles.  You’ve heard of Popeye?  Well call these gods of joysticks Fongeye Fat Fingers.

Let me say that I love video games.  I was around when the first games came out.  Remember Pong?  Remember Space Invaders, Galaxia, and Pac-Man?  Simple entertainment for a couple of hours, then you headed off to the discotheque to see if you could chase a few girls around the dance floor.  That’s why we stayed so skinny in the 70’s and 80’s.  We need to revive disco.  Nowadays with virtual reality you can chase the girls around in the video game.  I kid you not that one time my son’s friend commented on how “hot” one of the video game girls was.  Well if Peggy Pixels, Betty Binary and Tonia Terabyte does it for you man, have at it.

Video game testers require so very little in the form of job perks.  Give them a comfortable chair, 72 hour energy drinks and junk food. You will then have a loyal employee forever, or at least until they lock-up, turn blue, and crash from MMORPG seizures.  Aren’t computers wonderful?

If you need help becoming a video game God, just know you can order Rosatito’s Joystick, the self help computer aid to video game career success.  Send $399 today to:

BBB Enterprises

1234 Suckers Way

Grand Cayman Islands

Call today 1-800-SUCK-ERS

Disclaimer: remember this is supposed to be humor.  If you found it less than humorous and want to send out a virus, be sure to start with Apple and Microsoft, you know, those pirates of silicon valley that ushered in the era of personal computer.

Top Jobs Sought in 2013 – #3

As we move towards 2013 I wanted to bring to my readers attention of the top 3 jobs, as I see them, sought after for 2013.  Without any further delay let me start with the 3rd highest,

Tanning Salon Attendant / Owner / Gawker

Tanning

This brilliant idea came to me from my teenage son and his best friend back in the 1990’s.  Here’s their money making business model objectives:

  1. The job has to be fun,
  2. There has to be good looking girls involved,
  3. It makes a lot of money, and
  4. They don’t have to work very hard.

There you have it, the mindset of my son’s generation.  At first I shook my head, then I thought, well maybe they are on to something.  But don’t just stop there, add massage, full body massage.  This way you get to touch said good looking girls with a valid excuse. It’s utterly brilliant I tell you!  Then again I went back to the 4th reason above.  They might get cramped fingers and file for disability.  Playing video games is their true passion, so by all means save all the muscle action for that pursuit.  Between video games and texting I’m surprised they don’t have fingers like Popeye.  Visualize it, long skinny arms, thick, very thick and muscular fingers.  As soon as I recover my long-lost sketching skills, I will post some sketches to help in the visualization.

Okay scratch the idea of massage.  Besides they are just dedicated gawkers.  Add body stamps, I mean tattoos. This way you can still touch and get really, really close.  Who knows where they will ask you to be stamped. Tout your new solar activated neon stamps, or permanent glow ink to offer that special girl the ability to be noticed in the dark.   The whole point is to diversify and offer as many products and services under one roof, and keep the chicks coming back. For all you hormone riddled young male entrepreneurs here’s your chance.  Get a tanning bed and open up shop.  Hormone riddled young women are sure to line up for your services.  However, location and naming of the salon is very important, might I suggest just a few:

  1. Red Hot Bod’s
  2. Big Bollocks Bobby’s Browning Beds
  3. Two Guys Staring and Drooling Salon
  4. Glow in the Dark Dames
  5. Silly Sally’s Sunburst Salon
  6. Radiating Nuclear Beauties
  7. Sunny Side Up Stamped Tramps and Salon
  8. Babb’s Bronzing Beds and Stamps
  9. Gawking Geeks Tanning Salon

So why wait, select one of the names above, send me $10,000 for franchise and trademark fees. I have eagerly pale skinned customers just waiting for you to open.  Here’s a sample of my client list:

TanningCustomers

BBB Enterprises

1234 Suckers Way

Grand Cayman Islands

Call today 1-800-GAWK-ERS

Disclaimer: Honey, the photo of the chicks above is a free photo found on Everystockphoto.com.  I do not know these girls.  I am only using this for humor, and I am not living a double life.  Please put down the shotgun.

grandma-shotgun-4994602-l

Life, oh the absurdity of it all!

Absurd

I have always said that life provides the greatest source of humor.  Normally it is from the acts and comments of our young children that are the funniest, but every so often you come across a news article that suggests we adults are ten times more absurd.  Take for instance this case of a worker’s compensation claim in Australia. Please take a moment to study the detail of the case.

You have to admit reading it conjures up hilarious imagery.  How would you like to be the one sitting in a court with witnesses and a jury of your peers discussing this case?  I have been involved in two jury trials, once as a foreman.  Sometimes the jury has to ask additional questions to weigh all the evidence.  I can only imagine the questions coming out of the jury, if they had one, for the original trial and three appeals.

  1. Was a ceiling fan involved?
  2. Were they playing cards, and if so, where can I get a deck?
  3. What are the typical hazards of this occupation?
  4. What exactly do you two do for the government?
  5. You get paid to do this?
  6. Where can we sign up for this job?
  7. Did the hotel have quake insurance?
  8. Is it on YouTube?

This trial would go on and on for months with questions, just enough to fill numerous erotic novels like these:

  • I’ve seen the light and it broke my nose
  • 12 Overheated Jurors
  • Hot Hotel Saucy Government Secrets
  • Undercover down under

There could even be a self help manual like this one, How to make money faking an on the job sexual injury. Innuendo is always the prime tool of a humorist writer.

In reality things happen to us and we can be defined by it, or we can simply learn to laugh at ourselves. It is called self-deprecation. Try it sometime, it can be rather fun. I am famous at self-deprecating. It sounds so very naughty, doesn’t it?

I recall a time I was fascinated by the gear changes on my new ten speed bicycle when I ran into a parked car.  I injured my face and the family jewels so to speak.  I should have sued the owner for parking that car in the street which was made for moving, not parked vehicles.  I could have introduced as evidence said black and blue jewels and the damage to my new ten speed.  I could have claimed emotional distress, depression and sued for $10 million. I could have appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, but I realized I would have been the youngest laughing stock in the nation.

2012 was a great year for human absurdity. Have you read or witnessed something totally  absurd lately?  Post it here, or share a link if you dare.  I’ll see how I can twist it out of proportion.  I am pretty certain 2013 will be just as, or even more absurd.  Regarding the photo, I have no idea who that it is.  It has nothing to do with me or anyone I know.  I just found it absurd with the guy exposing his poor dog to the capriciousness of the world.  Give me time and I will corrupt it.

HAPPY NEW ABSURDITIES YEAR

The Birth of Hope

BroganXmas4

For the past twelve months I have been providing small snippets of the background to my trilogy fantasy – The Chosen One of Allivar.  It is a mythology primarily concerned with family.  Not just an immediate family, but the human family.  This month we celebrate a day that many choose to believe and many choose not to.  This is the price of free will.  I like to think of this season as the season of the Birth of Hope.

This year, 12/12/12 specifically, my grandson was brought into this world.  A world that has many problems and many challenges.  His parents, my son and his wife, now know what it means to create.  In their arms is a human being that is 100% dependent upon them for everything. This should be a profound moment in both their lives, as it was for my wife and me.  It is a moment the meaning of family takes a new route.  It is the moment a parent should contemplate the issues of creation and of being a parent, to guide and protect their child from the evil that surrounds us, and finally understand the world is more than about “I” and more about “WE.” It is also a moment when our grown children will hopefully connect with us of the challenges and sacrifices we made to guard and protect them, to give them wisdom from our experiences for them to witness this very moment.  Many parents cannot enjoy the season as they are missing from their family those taken too soon from this world. My heart goes out to them.

The quest of being a parent is difficult, as my children will learn.  Whatever wisdom they try to pass down to their children will be met with skepticism.  They will not understand you, call you old-fashioned, and out of touch with current times.  They will learn to say “no” and then be treated as though they mortally wounded their child.  They will learn what it means to be disliked for not being like other parents. The grass is always greener in some other family’s home.  They will know what it is like to plan for a child and to have that child go the exact opposite direction.  Yet it is a quest we parents must take head on with determination and courage.  We must never give up hope that the next generation will find the answer to our problems and end the evils that continue to tear families, communities and country’s apart.

In my story the hero, Arimar, is separated at birth from his family.  He lives a life in complete secrecy until he is old enough to understand the purpose of the prophecy that he would one day free the mortal family from all evil.  All around him is love and family, yet he is denied this basic human need until his quest is completed. Allivar means – The One Family. His quest is to reunite the mortal family and become one again as was intended by the creator.  I won’t spoil the outcome, but there is a scene where he holds one of his twin infant sons and he is overwhelmed with emotions.  It is at that exact moment that the profoundness of creation, life and family fills his soul.  His sons represent the birth of hope that the generations that will follow will no longer allow evil’s presence in their world.

I write a lot of silliness and humor in this blog.  I hope you have enjoyed some of my humor.  I also hope that one day in the near future that you will give my stories a try and stay loyal to very end.  They are not literary award winners and still contain some imperfections in the editing and eBook conversion process, yet the message is clear, never take for granted life and family.

Therefore celebrate this season with your family, celebrate the miracle of creation, celebrate the miracle of life, celebrate the memories of those that have passed on, and celebrate the hope of the future.  Begin making resolutions for the actions needed for the betterment of yourself, your family and mankind.  Be the change you want to see in this world.  Give more of yourself than you expect in return.  When you do you these things, you will experience a different world, and within you peace and hope will grow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

AllivarText

The Morning After

Guns

Annie Oddly – Fiscal Cliff Queen

Remember the song “There has to be a morning after..”  Well we have survived the Mayan apocalypse and here we stand the morning after.  Have we died and just don’t know it and now stand in the 15th age of Bottom Earth?  Will Gondeaf the Wizard arrive from the west and give us wisdom?  And what am I going to do with all this doomsday prepper inventory?  Holy cow!  My retirement is embedded in all this dried food buckets, ammo and weaponry.  What am I going to do?

Open a new doomsday shop.  That’s the ticket.

Welcome to Big Bollocks Bobby’s

Morning After Doomsday

Resale and Consignment Shop.

Big Bollocks Bobby

Big Bollocks Bobby

So you say you don’t need any doomsday stuff.  Of course you do, because the next doomsday is the fiscal cliff on 12/31/2012.  This disaster isn’t based on a prophecy, but the pure stupidity of our federal government.  Bollocks you say!  Well why are the two parties screaming at each other?  One wants taxes to increase, the other wants spending cuts.  The sequestration provision of their last bargaining session provides both.  Isn’t this what they wanted?  Here we were worried about polar shifts when our own government is driving us off a cliff.  Well Big Bobby says why wait any longer, order supplies today.

If you order now, we’ll double the order and throw in a Snuggie Wuggie, a Henry A. Cod piece, and a bottle of Jack Daniels to boot.  What a bargain!  Right?

But, that’s not all! Big Bobby will even throw in a 45 LP from Maureen McGovern’s 1972 Oscar winning hit song from the Poseidon Adventure, another doomsday flick.

But that’s still not all! Big Bobby is one party down dude. For the top purchaser, Big Bobby will fly you to Needles, CA to party down with Big Bobby and the newly crowned Fiscal Cliff Queen – Annie Oddly.

Call 1-800-BIG-BOBS right now, operators are not standing by.

Big Bollocks Bobby
1234 Suckers Way
Grand Cayman Islands

Sing Along Time

There’s got to be a morning after,

Congress has our wallets in their sight,

We can clearly hear their  laughter,

As they hold our bollocks tight.

*

Oh, can’ t you see the morning after,

As we lay at the bottom of the cliff,

Congress will vacation with drink and laughter

As they continue to tax the working stiff.

*

It’s not too late, we shouldn’t be snobby,

We can still order a survival kit,

Straight from Big Bobby’s lobby

And tell Congress to go and eat grit.

We had an editorial change to the song at the last moment, as the editor thought the ending of the song wasn’t politically correct.  From all of us at Big Bobby’s we wish you a Happy Fiscal Cliff.

Naming Your Avatar

PenelopePuckerPuss

Penelope Pucker Puss

I have met some crazy and fun people following USA Today’s news and entertainment articles.  One who I shall keep anonymous, admits to constantly changing her Avatar, or avie as she calls it.  She shared a few of these with me from her Facebook account.  Above is one she named Theivin Rita.  However, being the nutcase that I am, I immediately saw her a “Penelope Pucker Puss”.  Image her saying “sufferin sucatash” and then being hit in the face by a pair of dentures.

Big Bollocks Bobby

Big Bollocks Bobby

This one she referred to as Teenie Weenie, which had me on the floor in udder pain from laughing.  However, my nutty (no pun intended) thinking saw “Big Bollocks Bobby.”  Imagine this mutt walking all bow-legged next to you while you are trying to eat a Muy Bueno Burrito and he says “Yo Quero Tu Muy Bueno Burrito.”  Now I speak and know absolutely no Spanish, so if this translates to something really funny, then I’ll take credit for it. If it’s horrid and you become violently ill, blame my Spanish teacher, Mrs. Bonnie McDonald from high school.  Hey, even Scottish lasses want to know Spanish.

Sista

Sista Sarita Sarita Chiquita

This one she named Sista Katina.  From the early days of Saturday Night Live, I remember Rosana Rosana Dana.  But I can’t reuse that stroke of genius portrayed by Gilda Radner. I decided to rebrand Katina into Sista Sarita Sarita Chiquita.  Now image the shy Sista leading you in the Sista Sarita Sarita Chiquita Salsa.  Even more frightful, imagine Bobby and Sarita in the salsa, the snack dip, not the dance.

At any moment I expect PENA (People for the Ethical Naming of Animals) to call and file a complaint and slap me up side the head with a slab of beef ribs or pink slime. I have a vision, quite horrendous, of being made to sit for a presentation of Lady Gagagozilla dancing with a chopped liver outfit and singing her new hit single, I just want to tenderize you.

If I have offended any Chihuahuas, toothless Grandmothers, or snack dips in the writing of this post, I offer my deepest and most insincere apologies.  This is FUN!  This is what life is supposed to be, to laugh amongst friends with wickedly creative imaginations.

As always, I appreciate blogger participation.  Share your madness.  Learn to spread communicable laughter, even if you have to defame your pets or relatives in the process.