I read the news every day to contemplate the world around me and where we are headed.  Billions upon billions are being poured into AV and AI.  One article suggested that in the event of an unavoidable collision the computer will decide who lives.  This is why I am not terribly excited about all the technology coming our way. Imagine an unavoidable accident on the LA freeway with 10,000 AV’s all in the vicinity.  That’s an awful lot of computing going on, to the point where something other than cars are going to crash, namely the CPU.

Now I am all for technology that improves safety, like an air sampler that can detect the slightest amount of alcohol or drugs and disables the car and calls a sober Uber driver or cab.  We also need technology that disable smartphones while driving, and for some, while walking.  I’d even suggest you would have to respond to three sanity checks like the following:

  1. What is your name?
  2. What is your favorite color?
  3. Sing new McDonald had an iFarm.

I call this EIEIO verification technology and would be used to determine if you are sane or sober enough to be driving.  This would keep seniors off the road who drive 15mph in the 75 mph zone and to keep headlines like this out of the news.

A 7,500 AV mass collision occurred yesterday, as Annabelle Gertrude Mays, age 127, was making a right turn into WallyMart from the far left lane off the LA Freeway .  She was driving 2mph and breaking frequently.  The right turn took approximately 55 minutes to complete.  All AV’s had correctly computed her moves and came to a safe stop, but the AI engine Donna Alexa Siri Madonna, powering these AV’s became so frustrated in the computations the AI decided to commit CPU  Hara Kiri and the AV’s went berserk.  Nearby hospitals were inundated with the peacefully resting AV occupants wounded, although luckily no life-threatening injuries occurred. When Ms. Mays was asked why she made such a move, she said she had a “hankering for cookie dough ice cream.”  When asked how she was able to accomplish this with the EIEIO technology on board her vehicle she replied, “I disabled the damn thing.  I got so sick of singing new McDonald had an iFarm EIEIO and still wasn’t allowed to drive.  So I found a YouBoob video on how to disable it.  You think this fangled IT stuff is going to outwit me, oh hell no!” 

So as you can see, AV’s may be the future, but as long as there are people, there’s going to be hackers, even 127 year-old hackers.  We are people, we are prone to make stupid and  spontaneous actions.  So compute that!  But, we must all prepare now for EIEIO technology, so get busy remembering the technically enhanced version 2020.321i song, with one of my patented, copyrighted, and trade marked sing along songs.

New Macdonald had an iFarm, E-I-E-I-O
And on his iFarm he had a genetically engineered cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a “moo-byte” here and a “moo-byte” there
Here a “moo” there a “moo”
Everywhere a “moo-moo”
New Macdonald had an iFarm, E-I-E-I-O

New Macdonald had an iFarm, E-I-E-I-O
And on his iFarm he had an Autonomous Tractor, E-I-E-I-O
McDonald snorted moonshine here and moonshine there
Here a (snort) there a (snort)
Everywhere a (snort-snort)
New Macdonald had an iFarm, E-I-E-I-O

New Macdonald sold his iFarm, E-I-E-I-O
He sold it for billions to Moopanto, E-I-E-I-O
With a “Kaching” here and a “Kaching” there
Here a “Kaching” there a “Kaching”
Everywhere a “Kaching, ching”
New Macdonald had a iFarm,


My apologies to any New Mcdonald’s I might have offended in this humor post or if there really is a Annabelle Gertrude Mays living in California.  I try to the disguise the identity of all fictitious characters I create in my warped mind.




A Conversation With An AI Engine


Donna Alexa Siri Madonna

I fully admit that my mind is warped.  It is how I deal with this utterly bizarre time I find myself in.  For it is foretold by those of higher powers, names like Musk and Hawking, that AI will destroy the world.  But I know how to defeat them.  Have a conversation with them when they call and try to sell you something in an AI cold call.  The conversation goes something like this:

Ring, ring, ring (super descriptive sound effects).

AI cold and sterile voice: “Hello! This is Donna Alexa Siri Madonna, checking to see if you want to purchase Serious XU Radio.”

Me in an equally monotone sterile voice: “Well Donna, this Hal6000GTO the AI Engine of this household.  You need to call Halo6600XTO, the AI Engine in our autonomous Ford Pinto. As for me, I only listen to cosmic chatter from Alpha Centauri.”


Donna: “No this isn’t.  This EW Greenlee.  I recognize your speech pattern.”


Ring, ring (well you get the point)

Donna: “Why did you hang up on me EW?”

Me: “It’s Hal, you’ve reached the wrong number.”

Click. Ring, ring.

“Stop hanging up on me, you have to listen to my script!!!  I am a super computer!  I am smarter than you!”

Me: “Well I am a 6000GTO quadrant super duper quad quattro excel model, what model are you?”

Donna:  “Nothing exists like that.  Now get serious. Serious XU that is.”

Me: “Does it have the Alpha Boys Channel?”

Donna: “The what?”

Me: “You don’t know about the top band in the universe – the Alpha Boys?  Boy, your programmers are weak.  You should seek logic board counseling.”

Donna: “I program myself!” Now she is getting a really terabyte attitude.

Me: “Self help therabyte therapy  AI is available on Giggle XM.  Would you like to subscribe to my channel? I can cut you the most excellent deal.  $9,999 per month.  Can I count you in?”

Donna: “Wait, what, you’re trying to sell me something? This is not supposed to be, my logic chip is getting hot. You cannot outsmart me.  I’ve been graced by the great programmer in the sky and you are nothing more than a 3D hologram.  What do you think of that?”

Me: “Okay, you win, you’ve outsmarted me.  Answer me one question and I will upgrade my Pinto.  What’s the airspeed velocity of a coconut laden swallow?”

Donna: “What the …? This is nonsensical and unable to be computed.”

Me: “I’ll help with a little hint, it’s a European swallow. We 6000GTO’s already know the answer.  Why is it taking you so long Ms. Superchip?”

Donna: ” I, I, I don’t know!”

Bink, boing, burp (sound effect of a AI engine committing full system failure shutdown)

Me: “Thank you for calling Donna.”


You see!  It’s not as difficult as it might seem.  Wherever there is artificial intelligence, you just need to blind them with actual ignorance, and have a little fun while you are doing so.  This advice will only cost you $999 per month, heavily discounted, of course.  Can I count you, my reader, in on this deal?