Female Code – April 2013 Edition (Bedazzled Body Parts)

The Female CodeA Monthly Journal of Doom

The Female Code
A Monthly Journal of Doom

Every so often I spy on women’s blogs, just to get material for this monthly post.  For context, you might want to read this blog’s post first [Beware it concerns what some women do to be bedazzled in the private area]

Now that you have read this, do you now understand why we men are confused, now more than ever?  It’s not enough to just get a wink from a pretty girl, oh no, we have to be bedazzled by every body part. Because all is fair in love and war, right? Tramp stamps weren’t enough?  Now if we are in a room with several women, we have to be bedazzled as though going through a De Beers diamond mine. But is this really for us guys, or just a warped and mutated gene in the female code that takes women to such drastic and sometimes foolish remodeling efforts?  I mean really, who makes this stuff up?  Is there an association of female body bling professionals who vote on the next outrageous thing to do to ones body?  Let me guess, the next trend is a surgically implanted tiara, right?

So all of this lead me to a thought. Why let women have all the fun? Why don’t guys have mini flags?  Sailors use flags to indicate actions to be taken, so why not guys?  We can walk around with little flags hanging from our groins indicating our moods, like a pirate flag.  This could tell ladies we were feeling dastardly and swashbuckling – argh.  White flags mean we are in no mood for an argument.  Little green flags, means “Come and get it!” We could even have flags that indicate what we want for dinner that night.  We men would never have to say a word.  It’s brilliant, I tell you!

I invaded another lady’s blog and took this from her Facebook page.  Notice their rather limited knowledge of us men?  Notice the word “her” on the left?  Well since we are entering new uncharted universes, let’s add a few more to the right side.


First, the two items should say “Her shows up naked” and “Her brings beer.”  Yes, it is very poor grammar I know, but in order for the sexes to coexist, we must make sure “her” is in everything.  Now add the following:

  • Let her cook bacon
  • Let her mow the lawn
  • Let her kill the mice
  • Let her bedazzle herself
  • Let her raise and lower the man flags

You see, we men are very easy to make happy, we adapt when we understand the female code.  So go ahead, keep bedazzling and mutating yourselves. I expect very soon to see bedazzling buttocks on display as the war over limited male resources heats up.  But, should you see us men, on a day of male solidarity, with our white flags gloriously waving in the wind of war, at half staff, please know we just can no longer take it.

Hmm, makes you wonder the real source of April Fools day.  Go ahead, hit me with your best shot, fire away!


Man Club – March 2013 Edition (The Great Cupcake Conspiracy)

The Great Cupcake Conspiracy

The Great Cupcake Conspiracy

Each month I pick a topic and somehow insanely blend it into my growing list of monthly blog posts.  This month’s insanity is cupcakes, because it seems to be a huge international conspiracy and trend.  To get men interested in the trend, ladies are topping the silly little cakes with bacon.  Not only are they topping these things with meats, they are hosting little parties around the cakes.  Now I first published this conspiracy in the Female Code, which I advise all men to read first for perspective.

Okay now that you are done reading, you are now aware of the conspiracy.  Some of our male guests to the club don’t quite believe me do you?  Do you recall the great cigar smoking conspiracy of 1990’s?  The one were women started smoking cigars to get in on our social functions.  WHAT?  You didn’t realize this until now?


Ditto Von Teaser

I am beginning to wonder about my own gender. This is why membership in the man club is so very, very, important to the survival of our gender.  You are being bombarded by sweets and meats – FOOLS!  Every time your humble president advises you of the latest female conspiracy, a new one is being deviously developed.  Ladies have a special institute for this very reason.  They invest heavy in R&D to infiltrating our world. Cupcakes sales are now big business.  So if you notice the lady of your life with a clipboard observing you, you are being scoped out, for the next trend if bacon covered cupcakes begin to fail.  As I researched this topic, I found a site that simply says “Everyday is a cause for celebration”, with their cupcakes, of course.  This is where we men need to retaliate.  I know their weaknesses found in the 7C gene of their female code – Control, Chocolate, Cupcakes, Coffee, Cream, Cigars and Carats (As in diamonds).

Therefore an emergency amendment has been made to our rule book.

Section 666, Paragraph (A) Subsection (1), Lower Level (b), which states:

“Hoard all the chocolate, coffee, cupcakes, cigars, cows and diamonds.  Without these vital life ingredients, the female loses her mind and control over you.”

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not technically a complete paragraph, but your humble president is a simple man. To prove my point, I too, am observing the unspoken female code.  My daughter came home the other day with chocolate covered coffee beans.  She mixes hot chocolate with her coffee and adds cream.  My wife cannot live without coffee and cream.  Luckily for me neither is into cigars or cupcakes at the present time.

Now that you have been advised, be on the watch out for their next infiltrating conspiracy. They usually involve something subtle, sultry, sweet and meaty.  Every so often one female loses her mind and isn’t subtle, like Lady Gaga’s meat dress.   Poor gal, even us men don’t fall for the “come and get it” boy toy meaty buffet ploy. Some gals are just born that way.

Female Code December Edition – Hell Hath no Fury


Even in the holiday season women have steel traps for minds whenever it comes to ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, or any other girl currently living and breathing.  They can’t help this trait, it is embedded in their DNA code. Imagine if you were Santa delivering all those Fredericks of Hollywood, or Victoria’s secret gifts to women all around the world.  No wonder he was always blushing and red in the face.  Oh the things he has seen, he may one day even write an autobiography – Old saint nick and the hot chicks.  He probably gets the infamous question that we normal men avoid like the plague. “Do I look fat in this?”  His reply would be classic, “Not as fat as me baby! Ho ho ho!”  Now because he’s Santa, plump and elderly he gets a pass, a kiss, and even milk and cookies.  We men club members should file a lawsuit against women for their war and discrimination of us men. We want more cookies!  I prefer chocolate chip pecan cookies.

Now if we do not bring home the proper Christmas present, then women have yet a another mutated gene.  The sulking gene as evidenced above.  We men try to be accommodating, but come on, every commercial on TV suggests we men have go to Zales, Helzburg, or Jared and buy some $8,000 diamond for the love of our life.  What is it with diamonds for women?  Can one of you just explain this mystery for me?  Then there’s the car commercials where the car is wrapped with a giant bow.  And girls talk about our toys!  You don’t see us guys wearing a Ford F150 on our hands.  I’m telling you women create these ads and Jane Seymour is the CEO.  But I give Jane a pass since she is my number one most beautiful woman of all times.  She’s the only one I’d risk wrath for. But I digress as usual.

I’m an easy guy, I ask for Home Depot gift certificates every year.  There’s always something breaking and need of repair.  That’s what we guys do.  You never see a commercial where the guy’s all verklept when he opens the box to find the newest Bass lure. “Oh honey bear you shouldn’t have!”  You never see the lady give the guy an $8,000 gold and diamond studded fly rod.  Why?  Because we guys are simple, frugal and logical.  We know diamonds are the hardest substance on earth and can be used to cut things, not wear on fingers.  However, gold chain necklaces were once the thing to highlight our 3 strands of hair on our chest.  That’s a fad now, even though I have 4 now, hairs that is.

As we near another special Christmas and proceed over the fiscal cliff, don’t forget that ultra special gift this year. Just know hell hath no fury like a women who just received a McDonald’s gift certificate. Whatever you do, do not mention how easily satisfied your ex-girlfriend was with your gifts. Do that only on New Year’s eve after she has had seven Margarita’s, even then your safety is questionable.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to all my female bloggers.  You’ve been great sports.

Man Club – November Edition (Anniversaries and Basic Survival Skills)

As a man I am always amazed at what women find so important about anniversaries. This month I celebrate my 32nd.  Supposedly an anniversary is a day of remembrance of the wedding ceremony and of the love we felt at that very moment.  That day was the day I placed the ring on my wife’s wrong finger and hand.  Hey, there was no groom training for the event.  Somewhere in the DNA of women is a gene holding back for all the insanity that is the wedding.  Think about it.  Men are rational and logical.  We hope to keep the ceremony short and inexpensive so that the honeymoon can get started. Yet it drags on and on and on.  Somehow we guys have to come up with a wedding poem that expresses our inner feelings.  So, we go to the drugstore and find a Hallmark card for 99 cents that reads:

“You are sun, the moon, the very air that I breathe.  Not a second shall pass in my life that you shall not be on my mind.”  Well for 99 cents it was short, sweet and simple.

For the bride, oh no!  They put together a poem as long, or longer than the story of War and Peace, which his actually a Man Club code book on marriage.  This is where we learn to smile and nod in agreement. It is at that very moment this is engrained in our minds forever  – grin and nod.

Then there are some rituals of lighting candles and then blowing them out.  Once you say “I do”, it goes from “honeymoon” to “honeydo.”  Oh don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming?  Your first honey do is to never, ever forget the anniversary.

Twenty years pass the wife decides to drag out the “dress.” Yes, that $1K dress that was supposed to be magical and bring eternal life to the bride.  That’s when we man club members first experience terror of unimaginable heights, “Honey do I look fat in this?”  Here you must refer to Section 2 of the Man Club Manual on Basic Survival Skills.

Rule 2.1, Paragraph (a) states:

Fight the urge to be truthful.  Lie. Lie like you have never lied in your life.  The survival of your genes are at stake.  Reply should always be: “No honey pumpkin, you look just as gorgeous as you did back in the day we married.”  Then conveniently slip her something made of diamonds and gold.

She may persist however with the following second question: “Why won’t it zip up then?”

Rule 2.1, Paragraph (b) states:

Fight the urge to be truthful.  Lie. Lie like you have never lied in your life.  The survival of your genes are at stake.  Reply should always be: “Honey bear, it must have been made in Taiwan.  I’m sure of it.” Then conveniently slip her something made of diamonds and gold.

Yes by your 50th anniversary your wife will be hunched over from all the guilt ridden bling bling you gave her, but hey, by that time you should have grandchildren and fulfilled your Man Club genetics oath to populate the next worthless generation.

You see, anniversaries help men to remember the basics of survival.