Female Code December Edition – Hell Hath no Fury

Santa

Even in the holiday season women have steel traps for minds whenever it comes to ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, or any other girl currently living and breathing.  They can’t help this trait, it is embedded in their DNA code. Imagine if you were Santa delivering all those Fredericks of Hollywood, or Victoria’s secret gifts to women all around the world.  No wonder he was always blushing and red in the face.  Oh the things he has seen, he may one day even write an autobiography – Old saint nick and the hot chicks.  He probably gets the infamous question that we normal men avoid like the plague. “Do I look fat in this?”  His reply would be classic, “Not as fat as me baby! Ho ho ho!”  Now because he’s Santa, plump and elderly he gets a pass, a kiss, and even milk and cookies.  We men club members should file a lawsuit against women for their war and discrimination of us men. We want more cookies!  I prefer chocolate chip pecan cookies.

Now if we do not bring home the proper Christmas present, then women have yet a another mutated gene.  The sulking gene as evidenced above.  We men try to be accommodating, but come on, every commercial on TV suggests we men have go to Zales, Helzburg, or Jared and buy some $8,000 diamond for the love of our life.  What is it with diamonds for women?  Can one of you just explain this mystery for me?  Then there’s the car commercials where the car is wrapped with a giant bow.  And girls talk about our toys!  You don’t see us guys wearing a Ford F150 on our hands.  I’m telling you women create these ads and Jane Seymour is the CEO.  But I give Jane a pass since she is my number one most beautiful woman of all times.  She’s the only one I’d risk wrath for. But I digress as usual.

I’m an easy guy, I ask for Home Depot gift certificates every year.  There’s always something breaking and need of repair.  That’s what we guys do.  You never see a commercial where the guy’s all verklept when he opens the box to find the newest Bass lure. “Oh honey bear you shouldn’t have!”  You never see the lady give the guy an $8,000 gold and diamond studded fly rod.  Why?  Because we guys are simple, frugal and logical.  We know diamonds are the hardest substance on earth and can be used to cut things, not wear on fingers.  However, gold chain necklaces were once the thing to highlight our 3 strands of hair on our chest.  That’s a fad now, even though I have 4 now, hairs that is.

As we near another special Christmas and proceed over the fiscal cliff, don’t forget that ultra special gift this year. Just know hell hath no fury like a women who just received a McDonald’s gift certificate. Whatever you do, do not mention how easily satisfied your ex-girlfriend was with your gifts. Do that only on New Year’s eve after she has had seven Margarita’s, even then your safety is questionable.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to all my female bloggers.  You’ve been great sports.

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8 comments on “Female Code December Edition – Hell Hath no Fury

  1. LOL. I read this and a part of me wanted to rally against the generalisations, and then I thought about my friends. Though most of your statements definitely don’t apply to me, they do apply to some of my female friends.

    My friend read an article that a man should spend a fifth of his yearly income on the engagement ring and now that’s her new standard. I get uncomfortable when people, especially men, buy me gifts. My ideal engagement ring is $90 and I’m already wearing it. I bought it for myself 6 years ago. It’s a simple white gold band with a pink sapphire. I bought it as just a normal ring and then after having it for years I realised that something that simple and elegant is all I would want for an engagement ring.

    I’m not a fan of diamonds so I can’t explain that to you. I think they’re over rated and the ‘rarity’ and ‘value’ of them is grossly over stated due to two companies having a monopoly on the market and releasing them at their own pace.

    I know I’m not the average woman. My female friends go nuts when they get coach purses or jewellery for christmas or birthdays. All I want is to have dinner and watch a movie at home on the couch with that special someone and a glass of wine. My ex always wanted to buy me things and I always refused because I didn’t want him spending his hard earned money on me, which is part of the reason he’s my ex…it caused a lot of tension.

    I very much enjoyed this post. Thanks, it was funny.

    • ewgreenlee says:

      What! A frugal female? Will you marry me? Oops, sorry I am married.

      This monthly series is dedicated to good fun. Hopefully one day a female will create a post titled “The Male Code” and give perspective to the silliness of men. Then we can understand one another and have world peace, or not.

  2. LOL I’m a firm believe in the idea that men and women will never understand each other and we just make ourselves and each other crazy by trying.

  3. Well, diamonds are nice but I have a couple so I think I am set. You know I’d rather have the HomeDepot gift card too because a girl can never have too much paint – for the husband to use!

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