Here we men are at that awkward moment where we have to think about gift giving. Even worse is going out to buy it at zombie apocalypse locations of Walmart or the Super Mall. Gifts for men are one thing, we are easy to please. A simple multipurpose screwdriver usually works. For kids, well at least boys, it’s all in the toys. Get the boy a bucket of plastic army men, it’s just that simple.
For little girls the sulking begins at an early age. They don’t just want a Barbie. Barbie has to have a roommate and a wardrobe. Barbie has to have her own toy, named Ken. Barbie has to have a corvette, hot tub, castle, private jet, on and on and on. I blame the makers of Barbie for mutating the genetics of women.
Fear not, for the members of the man club have codified in the survival section of the rule book on what to do for wives, daughters and girlfriend, but be very quiet about the girlfriend. Approach it analytically and logically.
Refer to Section 2.12 Paragraph (a), which reads,
“Ask the women in your life for a list of items they want. Place these items in an Excel spreadsheet. Create a column for price. Now sort the list by price with the most expensive appearing at the top. This is where the list starts. Next add a new column title “share” with the input being either Y or N. Resort the list and immediately remove anything that might be shared. This leaves you with a pretty good idea of what to get. It must be pricey and belongs only to her. Run if she starts stroking it and calling it precious.”
Section 2.12 paragraph (b) reads,
“Are any of the gifts interrelated? For example, does Barbie need a Bob to make Ken jealous? Well then add Bob clothing, a fake credit card, and a chartreuse Porsche. Remember this is about the ladies not us men. Refer back to paragraph (a) about the sharing attribute. Now you must add another column that will group items by their interrelationships.”
Section 2.12 Paragraph (c) reads,
“Call the bank and check on your credit card limit. When they refuse remind them of the stimulus they received and how the government can increase the debt limit to $100 gazillion. Do not be offended when they hang up on you. Proceed to the blood bank and donate marrow, plasma, and one kidney. Hey, you have two. Remember this is all about the ladies. They have high expectations.”
Section 2.12 Paragraph (d) reads,
“Pare your list down based on your spending budget. Add a gift certificate to McDonald’s for a Sausage Egg McMuffin with a Mocha Latte Chiller – spare no expense. Add new column to spreadsheet on which gifts they don’t receive could lead to holiday homicide. Res0rt and reanalyze. Pour yourself a glass of Jack Daniels as it computes. Be prepared for lockup, error messages, blue screens and a complete power grid failure. Somewhere out there is virus created by devious women that attacks your attempts at analytical and logical computations.”
Section 2.12 Paragraph (e) reads,
“Scream profanities as the inevitable happens. Blame the power company for the grid failure and simply tell the women of your life that all they need is your love. Then prepare to not be forgiven until New Years.”
You see, we men are not swearing about putting together toys, it’s all about the senseless agony we suffer this time of year in the gift giving selection cycle for the women in our lives. So prepare my fellow man club members for the harsh days ahead. If we are truly lucky the world will pass on December 21, 2012 and all that will survive will be the bazillions of Barbies. In the future, men of Alien worlds will land and try to understand our culture. They too will be shaking their heads, knowing they traveled light years to escape their own illogical and absurd world in vain.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years all men club members. Dues of $500 are now due.