AI vs Y2K

Terminator2

If you follow news like I do, you’ve probably read or heard about the dangers of AI – Artificial Intelligence.  There are dire warnings, just like there was with Y2K.  Yes many of you reading this were kids then, but it was some heavy duty stuff man.  Yea dude, computers shutting down or reverting back to the stone age releasing nuclear holocaust, shutting off water pumps, snack vending machines, and failing to record Married with Children.  It was an apocalypse of biblical proportions.  Then January 1, 2000 rolled around and not even a single issue arose, except a massive hangover and empty bank accounts.  Now this disaster film in the making was brought to us by computer geeks, just as AI is today.  So how much do you trust the warnings of AI?

Today I read that a company is using AI to park your AI self driving auto with an AI self valet robot.  Wow, that means never having to tip the valet.  But I say your AI car should be able to park the car and then retrieve it automatically, putting the AI Valet out of business. If we are going all out on the future, let’s cut off all unnecessary industries and people, like programmers.  Just think of it, AI can do all the coding and prevent geeks from hacking their own code and getting multi-million dollar security contracts where the key interview question is, “How did you hack the DNC dude? Cooool!”  AI can even do a reverse-ransomware on the geek and steal all their code and disable their computer  with the “HaHaY2K-JokesOnYouDude” virus.  Hopefully if there is a robot vacuum in their home it can be hacked to give the SOB a wedgie in the 3rd degree.

AI has given us such a better life, like when you press “Exit” from a software program and you get “Are you sure?”  Uh yes, I’m sure so I select “Yes”.  “Are you sure you are sure?”  WTH?  This is the moment everyone in the neighborhood hears you cursing your machine.  Then there’s the predictive sentencing in my cell phone, where you type “What’s zup?” and it types “Do you want to see me naked?”  WTH????  I assume this is how Weiner dude (aka Carlos Danger) got into trouble early.

Then there’s the smart appliances, like a refrigerator that can diagnose an alien abduction pregnancy, and flip an omulet while you refill your glass with a properly mixed Mai Tai, shaken but not stirred.  Have you noticed that an AI Pooper Scooper doesn’t exist? That’s because if it really was intelligent it’d say “Hell no, you pick that up, it’s your $#%&*! dog’s $#%^! Get Fido to fetch you a bag you lazy #$%#^!”  Why do they call it a SmartPhone?  Very few talk on them because you can’t hear the person on the other end, so we convert to typing with thumbs.  All it’s good for is changing our text and posting nude selfies without our permission, ask Carlos, he’ll tell you the truth.

I just finished watching “Alien: Covenant” and was highly disappointed that AI was the main theme of the destruction of the Alien series and the universe.  Here David went haywire when Y2K finally occurs in the year 2104 and he becomes a genetic engineer and bartender, unleashing perfect organisms upon everyone.  Maybe we can get AI actors, producers, etc, because I thought it was actually AI (Actually Ignorant) but the AI critics were all raving and tweeting #Revenge #Revenge #Resist #DownWithHumans.

Well that’s enough of my ranting on technology. I survived Y2K, so I’m not really concerned with AI, because one day an X class CME will arrive and we will all discover we are not covered in a Faraday cage.

“Did you mean to type Fart A Day Cage?”

Stupid technology.

Apocalypse Monthly – January 2013 Edition (The Apocabusto)

Apocalypse Monthly

Apocalypse Monthly

As editor, managing member, and chief financial officer of Allivar Creative, LLC publishing (Yes it really exist), I offer to my readers several absurd monthly blogs, including:

These fine monthly editions are a must have on your reading list, why?  They are a reflection of our times and the absurd human condition.  In continuing this tradition of insane creative writing, I have decided to add another fine monthly edition to our offerings – Apocalypse Monthly. Yes it seems we have at least one religious, political, or astronomical apocalypse or conspiracy theory every month and I want to cash in on the paranoia and anxiety.  Our first edition is titled the Apocabusto.

In my 53 years of insane existence, I have witnessed numerous predictions of the end of the world or society as we now know it.  Songs and movies have been made,  toys created, do-it-yourself survival manuals have been written, tie-dye shirts have been tied and dyed; wacky weed seeds have been planted, harvested, and smoked, and dried gourmet food supplies in a plastic tub have been prepared.

THIS IS BIG BIG BUSINESS!  So I thought I’d create my own conspiracies and predictions, because all previous predictions like Y2K, Fiscal Cliff and the Mayan Alarm Calendars have all gone apocabusto (Which is now a major motion picture in production.)  Now that those predictions are busted, the revenue generating streams that kept hundreds of millions employed have gone, well, apocabusto!  This is a serious issue, as some poor unemployed person needs a new job making doomsday merchandise. In case you didn’t already know, I’m also an accountant and creative money making schemes is also my scheme.  So what conspiracy can I create this month, our inaugural edition?

Cable TV

That’s right, cable TV is a sign of the end of times.  My wife and I have a service that subscribes to 3,000 channels.  The only one we wanted was HBO, to watch Game of Thrones, but to get to this fantasy series you have to subscribe and subsidize the other 2,999 wastelands of programming channels, then be patient for the next season or watch the series over and over again. If you didn’t understand the meaning of subsidize, now you do.  My subscription to HBO subsidizes programming like Honey Boo Boo.

Honey what what

Honey what what

Why can’t I just pay-per-view the series?  You see, conspiracy number one of 2013.  If you dare channel surf you just might run across Bridezilla, Honey Boo Boo, Storage Wars, Swamp Thangs and Thongs, or Gator Boys.  This is how I learned about zombies (reality stars)  and vampires (show producers).  These shows are utterly frightening.  I used to love Discovery and National Geographic, they once educated me and informed me, now they seem to follow the absurdity of the moment as well.

Then there was Jersey Shores, which went extinct because one of the female stars got married and then pregnant. Young female readers should note if you get married and pregnant, your life is over, that’s conspiracy number two of 2013.  Even the super storm Sandy had enough of the series.  What?  You didn’t know this already? See how easy it is to start your own conspiracy and apocalypse theories? If a 2013 sunburst occurs and wipes out Cable TV, we are doomed.  All those people you see on TV and those people of WallyMarts will be out on the streets. God help us!!!

Your Gonna Die - Tie Dye

Your Gonna Die – Tie Dye

But enough of that, let’s talk about merchandising. The whole reason for life as we know it. I have ample dead inventory remaining that you need, yes need, to survive the next apocalypse. I need to unload my supplies of Mayan Hot Mayhem Mommas 2012 calendars and “Your Gonna Die”  Tie Dyes. I still have a few boxes of Snookie Cookies, the Snookie Snuggles couch potato body blanket, Snookie Lookie sunglasses, Snookie Nookie lingerie, and the seaside sensation – Snookie Snorkels.  They are just $19.99 each.  But if you order today you’ll get TWO, yes, TWO. But this is a limited time offer, the next apocalypse is nearing, as your sunset retractable awning warranty nears lapsing. But that’s still not all, order now and as a bonus well throw in a set of Snookie Ginsu Knives, to cut your wrist if Honey Boo Boo should ever appear at your door.  But I am still not done, act today and you get a free box of Honey Boo Boo Bon Bon’s to choke on.

Well that completes this inaugural release. I am sure you clearly see the value of this subscription. It is my hope that you will come back next month for more wild and wacky apocalypse and conspiracy predictions.  I got a million of em, ah cha cha cha (Visualize Jimmy Durante)

What apocalypse is on your calendar?

2012 Doomsday

I was part of the first Doomsday back on 12/31/99 with the snappy acronym of Y2K. I was a technology consultant for the end of times. Now I have to replay Doomsday all over again, except it’s not until 12/21/12. Notice all the 1’s and 2’s? Well, that’s the doom of your time. But I read today in USA Today, about all those that are prepping for this year’s Doomsday and how they have a reality show for it. Huh? If it really is Doomsday, doesn’t that mean end of times for everyone? So I am now preparing for Doomsday II too. Just buy all my products and self-help DIYDD books (Do It Yourself DoomsDay.) Snappy acronym isn’t it? You won’t need your money, you young preppies so you have no worries. I even have Doomsday for Dummies, Dumb Doomsday Zombies, and Vexed Doomsday Vampires – all sure to be best-sellers.

But since the Mayans are no longer around, hasn’t doomsday already taken place? They left great resort cities behind so that we, the survivors, can enjoy fun in the sun and some relaxing Agave nectar. I bet those same Mayans also wrote best-selling books and products and laughed all the way to the bank.

Even if doomsday is coming, can someone please just extend it, like a tax return? The Hobbit, Part I is set to release just prior to the end of the world. Can it be extended to, say, April 14th, 2014? That way I can see The Hobbit, Part II as well, enjoy three more New Year’s Eve parties AND avoid filing a tax return on April 15th. Then just let the extension end, or renew it; Congress knows this act.

As for a reality show, maybe Comedy Central should pick up Season II – Surviving Doomsday. I only wish the Monty Python group was still young enough to take on this topic. I can just see John Cleese as a professor talking about the Mayan calendar on April 15th, 2012 and then comes in Eric Idle with an Inca calendar that ends on 4/14/14. Then, Michael Palin arrives with his Aztec calendar that ended on 12/31/99. All three of them will be arguing over the end of the world. Finally, they realize the Aztec calendar had already passed, and follow me now, Cleese sounds off:

“You’re a fraud! If 12/31/99 was Doomsday you wouldn’t be standing here!”

Palin retorts, “I got better! It was only a flesh wound!”

Oh let’s not go to 2012 Doomsday, it is such a silly date.