Before you begin reading this post, do your best to read it with the voice of Sir David Attenborough running through your mind. It will make it sound intelligent and even educational, or John Cleese if you prefer absurdity.
My wife and I sit on our front Lanai every afternoon to enjoy the beauty of Kauai with a glass or two of wine, possibly a whole bottle depending on the entertainment unfolding before us. I put in a garden my first year here and now it is fully developed and loved by all the lizards. So much, it has become a brothel of lizard love making. They have no shame, they just do it right in front of us. Let me set the scene.
Planet Earth III – The Kingdom of Lizards
There are two prominent studly males named Larry and Liam. Yes, that’s their names – deal with it. Then there a host of slim and elegant streamlined tailed females named Lydia, Linda and Latisha. Each day around 4:00 PM they come out into the open and begin a bizarre ritual of mating. The female acts uninterested (as do all females) while Larry, the biggest stud, does about 20 push ups to gain her attention and at the same time he bleats the loose skin under his throat which is brightly colored red. This is a signal by the male that he is interested and is also lizard love sign language for,
“Here Lizaard, Lizaard, Lizaard”. Older people will get this reference.
Now if Linda is somewhat interested, she will curl her tail as an invitation, like a woman curling her finger seductively. Larry sprints over like Usain Bolt to Linda, all the while Lydia and Latisha are watching, calling Linda a sleazy slut and texting pictures to everyone at the bunko club. Yes, we actually heard this conversation, oh the harsh words and body shaming. Larry does 20 more pushups and then mounts Linda, where, I kid you not, they do 20 pushups together. Larry is twice the size of Linda. If she starts to run she is carrying Larry for a ride (no pun intended). Soon they stop and Larry, like a greco roman wrestler flips Linda to her side and has his way with her. Linda’s tail flutters for a few moments, then stops and both lizards go comatose. They lie there in their loving embrace for about three minutes and then separate into the bushes for cigarettes, cocktails, and insect pupu’s, discussing how to make money on the videos Lydia and Latisha just socially shared on Repitlebook.
Liam then appears and both Lydia and Latisha also do the routine of complete disinterest. Although I imagine there is fine aroma of pheromones wafting about. There is no variation in the routine. There’s no subtle dating, dining, dancing, candy grams, plush teddy bears, snuggy pajama’s presented, or any form of romantic gestures, it’s all about getting in and out and on with your life, because some bird just might swoop down and have a tasty combo snack.
Now this leaves out poor Latisha, who Larry hasn’t stopped watching, so Larry goes at it again, and again, and again. It becomes the Indianapolis 500 of horny lizards, with no evidence of reptile dysfunction. Soon they are all exhausted and they all leave to climb their rock safe spaces to be alone and gather enough of the remaining sunlight to prepare for the harsh winter nights of Kauai. Now each of the females have texted each other, shared videos on social media, all wondering why guy lizards are so unthoughtul,
“It’s 20 quickies, then they are off to the pool hall with the boys to brag about their conquests of the day. All they think about is tail”.
Soon a host of baby lizards will be on their way, growing up quickly and questioning who is their father. I hear lizard litigation on paternity issues is a growing and profitable trend. This is when Larry and Liam migrate to the neighbors yard, effortless leaping over the newly constructed immigration wall, where Lola, Laila, and Lulululupupupupumamamia are practicing their uninterested looks, yet eagerly awaiting. All’s fair in lizard love. It’s a jungle out there, but hey, the Boys are Back in Town.
Now as Tracy and I migrate to Florida we might get to see alligators engage in the same manner. I’ll report my scientific data to you then.
Absurd? You betcha!