200K Followers Guaranteed

Puppy

#Puppy #Ransom

Remember when Twitter was having difficulties, but now it’s back big time?  I joined Twitter to sell books and direct traffic here to my humor posts.  I only have 4K followers, but noticed that new followers are always direct messaging me on how to gain thousands of followers for a few bucks.  They have about 190K followers, other members also trying to sell you followers, which means followers are following followers.  I’ve also noticed that Twitter is now hyper-political and hyper-nasty, the more nastier your comments the more your followers, hmmm…

So with his in mind, here are a few guaranteed nasty post techniques to get you more followers than you ever imagined possible.  No matter what party affiliation you are, play both sides, because then each side will follow you to see what you will say next.

  1. “Oh yeah, well I have your #puppy held for #ransom.” Attach cute puppy meme.  Everyone loves puppies.  They’ll read this and whisper, “What the ….” and then look at your profile and send a follow request.  Pound Puppy was my son’s favorite toy as a infant and toddler so I have an emotional attachment to this. PETA will also follow you, the ASPA, Humane Society, etc.  #Ransom will have every crime prevention organization noticing you and following to see if you are actually Guido Chapo, the notorious Italian Mexican crime lord.  Crime Cartels will follow you to see if they can get into your cartel due to your popularity.  See how this works?  All of a sudden politics and the Kardashians will be usurped and supplanted.
  2. “Your #mother was a #hamster and your #father an #elderberry #bush!”  Again, this is a “What the ….” lead generation tool. Attach sweet little old mother and father photo.  Everyone loves their mother and father, possibly a Hamster that was accidentally flushed down the toilet, sweet elderberries, and a nicely shaped but inexpensive shrubbery.  If they correlate #Bush with the president Bush, then there you go, fire up the angst or support and gain 100,000 followers hanging on your next comment.
  3. #Spigot #Gracious #Tater #Promophobe.  Set people really on fire with these jewels.  It’s proven fact that words can launch a war, even if there is no context to those words. Even words that sound like words that ignite hate can be used to fool someone.  One side will love you and other side will hate you, who cares, 200,000+ followers guaranteed.  Yes, I have a fear of promotional ads and taters. Eh.. what’s taters presicousss, what’s taters?  I do a great Gollum impersonation, but I digress.
  4. “U R #Stupid so #Stupid U R #Stupidier than the “Stupidiest”  This will attract all the grammar nazi’s, summa cum laudes, and those with Phd’s who feel compelled to fulfill something meaningful in life by exorcising you of your lack of intellect and vocabulary demons, word usage, sentence length, semi-superlative phobopronouns, etc. Yes I have a fear of pronouns too.
  5. #Laugh be #Happy #Damnit Then there are those who simply want to stay enraged, so any suggestion of laughter or happiness will enrage them any further.  They follow if only to post #FU, but hey it’s still a follower.
  6. It’s only #Politics #God bless u  Finally, both sides live and breathe politics, one side is anti-God and another pro-God, so you’ve got both sides covered now arguing with each other over your post, forgetting who you ever were – what a blessing.

As you can see you will have 160 billion followers in no time.  What?  You say there is only 7.6 billion people in the world.  You forget all the fake accounts they sell you generated by an AI engine looking for all the hashtags above and those who flock to the ones with the most retweets and likes.

As you can see, I will do just about everything to sell my books.  Please #Retweet this and I promise not to #DM you, I have a fear of that too, may #God help me.  Oh look, two new followers!

 

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#FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay

Alien

Catchy hashtag, eh?

As a writer of both insane humor and satire, and even serious fantasy, you have to get noticed. This means you write about things in current society that have emotive effect, such as a mob of women, dressed in red clothing, pink bunny hats (oh wait, those are post labiaplasty hats), with faces equally red from anger – all directed at you.  This is what I do.  Dave Barry might do so or even Jon Stewart might and everyone would clap with excitement over their comic genius.   This is my attempt, so please leave your pitchforks and axes at home.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Get your inner Rhett Butler on by proclaiming the day after #InternationalWomensDay that you are a self-sufficient man by tweeting #FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay.  This will be immediately responded to by your wife or girlfriend with,

#MakeThatWithoutAWomanEverydayDAY!

or

#MakeYourOwnDinnerAfterYourPS4SafeSpaceDay.

Be careful what you ask for, it may come true.

You see Twitter has become a communication app for tit-for-tat social warfare.  Some of the things I read are horrible, but even when someone attempts sarcasm or satire, your rights to freedom of expression can set off a firestorm.  This is why I blog, no one reads this, so I can spout off anything that crosses my mind to get it permanently off my mind.  Yet, we all need to laugh more, even at ourselves.  We are letting politics control our lives and our dispositions toward our fellow human being.  Many are using hashtags like #Revolt and #Resist.  Try this instead,

#ResistOreosICantICantICant

Lighten up just a little.  Now that the CIA is recording everything we say or do, develop a little sense of humor about it.

#CIA #OMG I just typed #QWERTY by accident and a horde of bug-eyed aliens from the hemorrhoid system have announced their invasion #Revolt  #Resistance

They will see this and immediately block you.  See, I’ve got all the answers.  You can pay me later.

All you have to do is break the CIA’s data storage facilities with at least 50 very silly tweets per day. Get your Monty Python silliness surging to 100% and let it rip.   They’ll think you’re passing secrets in some form of alien re-engineered code and it will drive their decipher analysts bonkers. I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s aliens. Better yet, be nice to your fellow human being.  Naw, where’s the fun in that?

I leave you with one final tweet of wisdom to provide all my readers with some comfort.

#LoveThyNeighbor  because tomorrow the #QWERTY #Bugeyed #WeeWeeKiLeaking #HemorrhoidAliens invade. #Resist #Resist #Resist #EatOreos

If you fit into any shape or form of the words I used in the tweet above and are offended, I apologize, especially to the Oreo.