1-800-URM-ONEY (Phone Phun)

I didn’t order Saddle Soap!

This spring break I went home to visit my parents and to deliver their tax return.  Exciting – huh?  My mother just turned 78 on March 23rd, and let me say her patience is no longer present.  If the phone rings, and she has caller ID, she knows who is calling and who wants money.  If you donate money just once, you are on a bazillion phone lists.  Now she could just politely not answer the phone, oh no, not my mother.  She has to answer and immediately start shouting (she is losing her hearing), “I told you people that I don’t donate by the phone, so stop calling!”  Now just to annoy her they call right back and she repeats what she yelled and immediately goes to testing her blood pressure.

She just doesn’t know how to have phone phun (sic).  Here are some of the things I suggested that would cease the call very quickly:

1. Sexy Granny – answer the phone something like this, “This is Opal Mae, I’m 78 and ready for you baby, oh yes, I’m ready for you. The polygrip is still holding and you are number nine in line – come over NOW!” CLICK.
2. Asian Donkey Rescue – answer the phone something like this, “Dis is Fwang Fwong Fwu, tank you fo callwing Asian Donkey Wescue.  Send us $25 dolla per month an we save wonderful Asian Donkey’s.” CLICK.
3. Circumcisions R Us – answer something like this, “Thank you for holding, please wait. (Pause)  Thank you for holding, please wait. (Pause)  Thank you for holding, please wait. (Pause) Thank you for holding and calling Circumcisions R Us, when would you like to schedule your trimming?” CLICK.

The whole point is to have fun at someone else annoying expense.  What cracked me up about my mom is that she tries to listen in on her children’s conversations. My sister was talking about a new telescope she bought for her husband.  My mom interrupts sounding so confused and yells out, “You bought Saddle Soap?”

Now we all looked at each other and then burst out laughing.  Now my mother is an army brat whose father served under General George S. Patton – old blood and guts.  Needless to say her use of curse words is almost epically poetic and puts every US Sailor to shame.  She can rattle off everyone of them in just a single sentence.  I will spare you the details, but “Up Yours” was the gist.  Now being the genius that I am I also saw the opportunity for more phone phun.  Use your loss of hearing to your advantage.

Here are some more suggestions:

1. Get a Bull Horn – answer the phone with a bull horn and immediately shout out “I am hard of hearing! What did you say?” CLICK
2. Switch Words – answer the phone and listen to when they say the word “Donation” then immediately stop them them and ask back, “Now why would I want to go through ovulation again? I’m 78 you fools!” CLICK
3. Make up a language – if an Indian call group is making the call, just speak Phundarian, “Ung phundo pho ni titi bo we wo we.” CLICK
4. Act Insane – depending on the sex of the caller, pretend they are a long lost cousin, “Bessie, is that you?  Oh I haven’t talked to you in ages sweetie.  Remember old Bobby Lee? You know that boy that showed us his …” CLICK

My point is simple, when I was a kid we had phone phun called pranks.  But now with caller ID and the killjoy of technology you can’t get away with it anymore.  But who says you can’t if they call you?  We could end all these annoying calls with just a few pointers from above.  Because when its 800-THEIR-MONEY, they don’t waste their time.

I am considering being the entertainment director at our local woman only senior’s home  – Our Ladies of Grace Senior Center.   It should be an ung phundo pho ni titi bo we wo we saddle soap ovulating hoot of a time!

Penelope Pucker Puss
Professor of Phonetic Phundarian