The Man Club – February 2014 Edition (The Manslater)

Men need all the help they can get with women and technology geeks need to get busy with solutions.  The Man Club, in its quest to provide members with valuable services and products, introduces THE product gift of 2014 – The Manslater.  Here’s the product advertisement.

Responses from members have been positive, like:

Shut up and take my money.

I had mine surgically implanted.

It works great with Google Glass.

I bought the SmartPhone edition.

Ooh, I love my iManslater.

What a life saver.

I don’t even have to think anymore… thank you Manslater!

Now that you have seen the product in action and read our member comments now all you have to determine which memory version you want, which like women, is complicated, short term, and expensive.

Kilobyte (aka the Blonde Version, simply because they are limited to a vocabulary of a 1,000 words)
Megabyte (aka The Valley Girl version “it’s like, mega cool, for sure!”)
Gigabyte (aka the girl that never stops laughing version)
Terabyte  (Pronounced Terror Bite)
Petabyte (Pronounced Petty Bite)
Exabyte (The Exasperated Version)
Zettabyte (The Sextillion Version [That’s 10 to the 21st power, but not a hanky panky invitation])
Yottabyte (The Stars Wars Geek Girlfriend Version)
Brontobyte (The prehistoric older woman date Version, not to be confused with the Cougar XLR version currently in BetaByte testing)
Geopbyte (aka the Woman from MENSA Version)

So what are you waiting for?  I’ll even throw in free shipping and handling. But if you act now, I’ll double your order.  Give one to your fellow buddy who is showing signs of mental fatigue.  They make great wedding gifts.  But don’t stop there, I’ll throw in the Ronco Fishamatic too!  All for $1,999.36. Order today, TOday, TODAY!

And thank you for being a member of the Man Club.

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The Man Flick

senior-couple-laughing

I just had to write this, because I had to sit through Under the Tuscan Sun, again, about a woman with a new life in Italy. The character runs into the man of her dreams, but is set back, when he turns away from her because of a perceived lack of interest. In the end everything comes out perfect.  My wife and daughter refer to this as a great chick flick.  I call it Lord of the Wedding Rings – a high epic fantasy.

As a wide-open family, we discuss everything and I mean everything.  Part of this is so we can talk about human nature, our weaknesses and the path towards self perfection.  I try with all my heart to explain how some men truly feel and how the movies do not accurately reflect some of our thoughts.  We are not all beasts obsessed with breasts and sex.  Here are my points about men and romance  that I tried to convey to my daughter:

  1. Men want to be great lovers.  Let’s face it, women advertise with makeup and clothing that suggest they are more obsessed with sex than men.  Men are also attracted to women with great attitudes and sense of humor.  Yes we are physically attracted to gorgeous women with nice figures, but here’s another secret,
  2. Men are extremely jealous.  We do not want to share the one we love with others.  When we marry and make that lifelong commitment, we want a more conservative public appearance.  We can’t stand it when the one we love has single male friends.  Sorry, jealousy works both ways.
  3. We are not consumed by thoughts of women.  I asked my wife and daughter about Twilight and why Bella was not concerned for her soul and the unhealthy obsession with Edward?  I admit to reading all of book one and just a little of book two.  I did this to gain perspective to be an effective male author. Men are more consumed by achieving goals.  Unfortunately today many young men are too consumed with beating video games than much else.  Who can end this?  That’s right, you ladies can. One thing men can be consumed by is the number of lovers in a woman’s life.  When our love life is not as we hoped for, we begin to think about what others might have done and if they are on your mind.  Men, believe it or not, want a virgin not because of the sexual connotation of being the first, but of being the only. Anytime a woman comes on strong we are faced with extreme temptation and sometimes men fail.
  4. Men want a companion.  We want someone who will exercise with us, engage in outdoor activities, etc. In return we give a portion of ourselves to your interest.
  5. Men want conversation and evaluation.  Yes we love to talk, but not just about your emotions, fashions and home accessories all the time.  I will freely admit my wife and I had marriage counseling.  At the heart of the matter was communication and the expression of our deepest thoughts without having to go into defense mode.  Men hate two things in the communication process – Silence and Criticism. Go back to the first item above.  How can a man be a great lover if his mate is not communicating what she likes and dislikes? We men are not mind readers and we are not supplied with a “How to” manual.  You’ve heard the term nagging of course.  That is direct criticism.  Instead of demeaning the man, uplift him with words of encouragement like, “I love how you pick up after yourself.”  In turn, tell him that is what you want to hear as well.
  6. Men want to feel like a man.  Ever notice how men change with fads?  We are impressionable too.  We shave our body hair, try a new hair style, shave our head, add tattoos, whatever it is we think women are attracted to at that moment in time.  We have our own insecurities and doubts of self worth. For example, I tried desperately to learn Disco.  Luckily for me my wife to be wasn’t into Disco.  We want to feel as though we are strong for a purpose, to be the protector of our mate.  Allowing us to feel this way keeps our ego and our body fit.  Compliment a man on his exercise routine, pinch his buttocks every so often and he will return the compliments.
  7. A Tiger in the Bedroom.  Do you recall My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the mother tells her daughter to be a tiger in the bedroom?  That my readers is wisdom. Men are not looking for Porn Stars.  We are easily visually stimulated, but we love an air of mystery.  Need to gain our attention?  Walk into the bedroom in new lingerie and I guarantee you will gain a man’s attention.  In the movie Under The Tuscan Sun Diane Lane’s character goes home and revels in the sex she just had.  Why not do this in front of the man?  Why not tell him, “Wow you are a GREAT lover!”  The guy would grin and think to himself, “Wow I really did it!” Refer back to number one above. We want to please our mate.
  8. Learn to say “NO.” Men do in fact respect women who set the limits.  If you want to see a change in men, learn to respect yourself first.
  9. Men HATE being trapped.  The absolute worst thing a woman can do to a man is to use sex as a means of commitment.  We do figure this out eventually and deep resentment and anger will set in. You can live a lie by giving a man as much sex after the rings are exchanged, but we can figure this out as well. Go back to number 8.
  10. Have a Deeper Sense of Yourself.  This week we watched together Life of Pi.  I made the remark that I never recalled watching a flick where the woman was questioning the deep meanings of life and her role in it. Hopefully someone can lead me to a movie or book of similar nature.  Recall how we like conversation?  Engage in something that tells your mate who you are deep inside.

Why do men love Lord of the Rings?  It is a a true man flick.  Aragorn is the man we admire the most.  He loves and loves deeply, not just protecting Arwen by leaving her, but the world around him and his fellow man.  I truly miss the movies of our past where men and women displayed grace and mutual respect.  Seems to me we are flooded with movies that are just nags, telling us of how bad we and life are.

Hopefully more movies and stories will be told that reveal the inner beauty of being man and woman, so that we can come to a point where we understand each other and work diligently for long and meaningful relationships.  These are the ones I want to watch or read. It is said an author writes because he cannot find the stories that interest him. The Chosen One of Allivar is one of the stories I hope one day people will again want to read with a passion.

My wife and I have been married for 33 years.  I’d lay down my life for her.  She is my best friend and companion, my lover and my queen and I would do everything in my power for her happiness and well being. This just didn’t happen, it requires a hell of a lot of work with open and honest communication.  I hope everyone is allowed to experience this kind of love and commitment.  This is reality, not a fantasy, or a wish list of selfish demands, but the commitment of a real man, “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

If you are looking for a good man, or to become a good man, set the standard of your expectations and be true to yourself first.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated.

Man Club – November Edition (Anniversaries and Basic Survival Skills)

As a man I am always amazed at what women find so important about anniversaries. This month I celebrate my 32nd.  Supposedly an anniversary is a day of remembrance of the wedding ceremony and of the love we felt at that very moment.  That day was the day I placed the ring on my wife’s wrong finger and hand.  Hey, there was no groom training for the event.  Somewhere in the DNA of women is a gene holding back for all the insanity that is the wedding.  Think about it.  Men are rational and logical.  We hope to keep the ceremony short and inexpensive so that the honeymoon can get started. Yet it drags on and on and on.  Somehow we guys have to come up with a wedding poem that expresses our inner feelings.  So, we go to the drugstore and find a Hallmark card for 99 cents that reads:

“You are sun, the moon, the very air that I breathe.  Not a second shall pass in my life that you shall not be on my mind.”  Well for 99 cents it was short, sweet and simple.

For the bride, oh no!  They put together a poem as long, or longer than the story of War and Peace, which his actually a Man Club code book on marriage.  This is where we learn to smile and nod in agreement. It is at that very moment this is engrained in our minds forever  – grin and nod.

Then there are some rituals of lighting candles and then blowing them out.  Once you say “I do”, it goes from “honeymoon” to “honeydo.”  Oh don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming?  Your first honey do is to never, ever forget the anniversary.

Twenty years pass the wife decides to drag out the “dress.” Yes, that $1K dress that was supposed to be magical and bring eternal life to the bride.  That’s when we man club members first experience terror of unimaginable heights, “Honey do I look fat in this?”  Here you must refer to Section 2 of the Man Club Manual on Basic Survival Skills.

Rule 2.1, Paragraph (a) states:

Fight the urge to be truthful.  Lie. Lie like you have never lied in your life.  The survival of your genes are at stake.  Reply should always be: “No honey pumpkin, you look just as gorgeous as you did back in the day we married.”  Then conveniently slip her something made of diamonds and gold.

She may persist however with the following second question: “Why won’t it zip up then?”

Rule 2.1, Paragraph (b) states:

Fight the urge to be truthful.  Lie. Lie like you have never lied in your life.  The survival of your genes are at stake.  Reply should always be: “Honey bear, it must have been made in Taiwan.  I’m sure of it.” Then conveniently slip her something made of diamonds and gold.

Yes by your 50th anniversary your wife will be hunched over from all the guilt ridden bling bling you gave her, but hey, by that time you should have grandchildren and fulfilled your Man Club genetics oath to populate the next worthless generation.

You see, anniversaries help men to remember the basics of survival.

Of Poetry – This Man Before You

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As a writer I try my hand at numerous forms of writing, most of all prose, but every so often poetry. A few poems are even present in my trilogy “The Chosen One of Allivar.”

The following is the longest poem I have ever written. Often an idea for expression comes from something we personally experience. Many years ago my marriage was on the brink of ending. I am not a quitter and counseling was my last attempt to save and honor a sacred vow, today which is taken too lightly. Many men have difficulty expressing themselves; I am one of them, in the spoken form, but not in the written form. With this in mind, if you are struggling in a marriage, try your hand at poetry and express you inner-most emotions. But most of all swallow your pride and ego and seek independent counsel.

This Man Before You

This man before you from the moment of early morning’s light,
ponders and wonders how he will make for you this day right,
Never a moment passes that he does not care for your happiness and delight,
and how this man before you will deliver his promise before night.

You are his queen, his lover, his wife
which this man before you has vowed to love, honor and cherish for life.
This man before you professes a love that none can set apart,
surrendering only through the passing of light at death do us part.

This man before you once witnessed your passion for him so clear,
He only wishes now that those times were once again near.
This man before you has a heart that races fast,
That begs your passion for him will return to last.

Time has passed with moments of pain, doubts and fears,
This man before you stood faithfully through the years.
As our moments in time pass and some we wish not recall,
I ask you to ponder and wonder, what if this man before you had never been here at all.

Would the embers in the fire of your heart grow dark and cold,
or would you miss his loving touch from the days of youth, now old.
Would you regret the moments for embrace that now lay waste,
dreaming you had a different man, in a different time and place.

This man before you is flesh and blood with heartaches and tears,
none as deeply as the loss of your love he fears.
He longs the return of the daily touch of your lips and the light of your eyes beams,
that says this man before you is again the man of your dreams.

So this man before you has no agenda, only his love to acclaim,
no matter how old and gray his body may proclaim.
This man before you sees only a beautiful bride,
the love of his life and the source of his pride.

Before any more moments are lost and words unspoken,
he promises his love for you will never be broken.
He will treat each moment as his last,
so that your love for him will not pass.
Before this man before you takes the last breath of his life,
he wants you to remember this poem for you, his wife.