Some of you might already know that I am a CPA and financial advisor. I try to look past political arguments and look at facts, not hype. In 2010 at an annual conference that gathered over 1,000 nerdy CPA’s into one room, we listened to David Walker, the former Comptroller General of the United States give us accountants the true status of the federal finances. We have two components people might want to understand. The first is the accumulated deficits, also known as the national debt -which today is at $20 trillion. The second component is called an unfunded liability, or to be exact, money needed to pay promises – which today is around $100 trillion. So the true position is around $120 trillion in the negative.
Try putting this into your calculator or Excel. Guess what, it errors out. Excel returns (1.2E+14) which mean one too many errors to the 14th power. Now you would think our politicians would recognize this error, but they’re mostly lawyers and awful with numbers, by convenience, I’m sure. They just pass laws then expect billionaires to pay a fair share. According to Forbes there were 1,810 billionaires in 2016. 540 of these billionaires resided in the USA. Here is the next mathematical issue to solve, how many billions are in one trillion? Here’s the solution, there are 1,000 billions in just one trillion. So from first grade you simply add the three zeros to the 120 trillion and you get 120,000 thousand billions – holly gazillion Batman! So if we compare rotten apples to rotten apples, we need a bunch more billionaires here in the USA. So here are some concrete solutions to this mathematical and fiscal problem:
50 Shades of Billionaires
We don’t need kinky sex, we just need sex that creates a lot of babies born into billionaire lifestyles. So get busy, we need 119,460 to be exact.
Lie and Lie a Lot
Downplay the debt and poof, like Lucky Charms, the math just magically disappears. Make promises that the issues will be fixed 50 years from now, after they are dead and can’t be hunted down. You see politicians take continuing education courses on creative lying (which for many has more than one meaning).
Let the Press Secretary Handle It
These folks are zombies, who cares if they get mauled by the press corps when they answer questions like this one,
“I’m EW Greenlee from CIMinsane TV, the CBO says by 2023 autopilot spending will return to trillion dollar deficits. What is the administration going to do about it”?
“Well, we are going to fire Otto and his pilot. But on the tax front we are giving the new BBEC, the billionaire baby earned credit. Any billionaire bearing 100,000 babies will get a dollar-for-dollar tax credit. We are also lifting the ban on billionaires entering our country and they may simply knock on the VIP door and repeat the following, three times, while clicking their heals, walking a straight line, while juggling – I want the BBEC.”
Borrow More From China and Jupiter
When the debt ceiling is yet again reached we can simply fill out our Chinese credit extension application to Zind Yau Mony.
When that fails, send a request to Yurxod$&*@ – Finance Minister, Province of Big Raging Red Storm, Jupiter – a subsidiary of Fast Payaday Loan, Hoboken, NJ – a subsidiary of the Federal Reserve – a subsidiary of the Treasury Department – loaned out by China.
Get the Government to Pay It Down
This would work if the government (Hint: look in a mirror) elected representatives to actually behave on behalf of the person in the mirror (Hint: you). This means every citizen needs a continuing education course titled:
“We are the government. Oh Hell, who signed me up for this gig”?
Send the Bill Due to the American Taxpayer
Another solution is to send every American citizen (aka, the Government), including their children, a bill for approximately $450,000. Why don’t they do this now? Because have you ever seen a mob of 300,000,000? Politicians will then have to take an education course on how to pin everything on the press secretary, because bad news is the fault of the press. Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.
The Roaring Twenties
There are not too many people who remember the roaring twenties. The hangover has lasted almost a century. But now that people are sobering up, the party of the 2020’s is about to begin. So the final solution to the ever growing astronomical numbers, is just to get drunk again. Party like it’s 2029!
So Luann, next time your teacher ask you what’s in a trillion, you can recite the useful data in this blog. You will get an A+. You see, I took law in college too.
Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not a very funny humor blog, but how are people going to digest the numbers?