What’s in a Trillion?

Cliff

The Fiscal Cliff

Some of you might already know that I am a CPA and financial advisor.  I try to look past political arguments and look at facts, not hype. In 2010 at an annual conference that gathered over 1,000 nerdy CPA’s into one room, we listened to David Walker, the former Comptroller General of the United States give us accountants the true status of the federal finances.  We have two components people might want to understand.  The first is the accumulated deficits, also known as the national debt -which today is at $20 trillion.  The second component  is called an unfunded liability, or to be exact, money needed to pay promises – which today is around $100 trillion.  So the true position is around $120 trillion in the negative.

$(120,000,000,000,000)

Try putting this into your calculator or Excel.  Guess what, it errors out. Excel returns (1.2E+14) which mean one too many errors to the 14th power.  Now you would think our politicians would recognize this error, but they’re mostly lawyers and awful with numbers, by convenience, I’m sure.  They just pass laws then expect billionaires to pay a fair share.  According to Forbes there were 1,810 billionaires in 2016.  540 of these billionaires resided in the USA.  Here is the next mathematical issue to solve, how many billions are in one trillion?  Here’s the solution, there are 1,000 billions in just one trillion.  So from first grade you simply add the three zeros to the 120 trillion and you get 120,000 thousand billions – holly gazillion Batman!  So if we compare rotten apples to rotten apples, we need a bunch more billionaires here in the USA.  So here are some concrete solutions to this mathematical and fiscal problem:

50 Shades of Billionaires

We don’t need kinky sex, we just need sex that creates a lot of babies born into billionaire lifestyles.  So get busy, we need 119,460 to be exact.

Lie and Lie a Lot

Downplay the debt and poof, like Lucky Charms, the math just magically disappears.  Make promises that the issues will be fixed 50 years from now, after they are dead and can’t be hunted down.  You see politicians take continuing education courses on creative lying (which for many has more than one meaning).

Let the Press Secretary Handle It

These folks are zombies, who cares if they get mauled by the press corps when they answer questions like this one,

“I’m EW Greenlee from CIMinsane TV, the CBO says by 2023 autopilot spending will return to trillion dollar deficits.  What is the administration going to do about it”?

The response,

“Well, we are going to fire Otto and his pilot.  But on the tax front we are giving the new BBEC, the billionaire baby earned credit.  Any billionaire bearing 100,000 babies will get a dollar-for-dollar tax credit.  We are also lifting the ban on billionaires entering our country and they may simply knock on the VIP door and repeat the following, three times, while clicking their heals, walking a straight line, while juggling – I  want the BBEC.”

Borrow More From China and Jupiter

When the debt ceiling is yet again reached we can simply fill out our Chinese credit extension application to Zind Yau Mony.

When that fails, send a request to Yurxod$&*@ – Finance Minister, Province of Big Raging Red Storm, Jupiter – a subsidiary of Fast Payaday Loan, Hoboken, NJ – a subsidiary of the Federal Reserve – a subsidiary of the Treasury Department – loaned out by China.

Get the Government to Pay It Down

This would work if the government (Hint: look in a mirror) elected representatives to actually behave on behalf of the person in the mirror (Hint: you).  This means every citizen needs a continuing education course titled:

“We are the government.  Oh Hell, who signed me up for this gig”?

Send the Bill Due to the American Taxpayer

Another solution is to send every American citizen (aka, the Government), including their children, a bill for approximately $450,000.  Why don’t they do this now?  Because have you ever seen a mob of 300,000,000?  Politicians will then have to take an education course on how to pin everything on the press secretary, because bad news is the fault of the press.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.

The Roaring Twenties

There are not too many people who remember the roaring twenties.  The hangover has lasted almost a century.  But now that people are sobering up, the party of the 2020’s is about to begin.  So the final solution to the ever growing astronomical numbers, is just to get drunk again.  Party like it’s 2029!

So Luann, next time your teacher ask you what’s in a trillion, you can  recite the useful data in this blog. You will get an A+.  You see, I took law in college too.

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not a very funny humor blog, but how are people going to digest the numbers?

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Top Jobs Sought in 2013 – #1

The top job for 2013 is a new one, because we are just now starting to figure out the scam.  The top sought after job of  2013 is:

POLITICIAN

Congress

That’s right a politician.  Now that we all realize how very little they actually do, even with a 9% approval rating, their bosses (taxpayers) let them keep coming back.  Wow, sign me up.  Nowhere in the universe do you get such perks for performance.  Let’s just count those perks:

  1. Guaranteed pension for life
  2. Guaranteed healthcare for life
  3. All the assistants you want
  4. Jets
  5. Chauffeurs
  6. Limo’s
  7. Security guards
  8. Lobbyist junkets
  9. Guaranteed book deals
  10. Paid speaking engagements
  11. Investments that earn 1000%
  12. Paid directors fees for sitting on corporate boards

Nowhere in the universe can you overspend your income by trillions and still not have a mob at your front door.  Politicians get to increase the debt limit and borrow from foreign countries increasing your share of that debt, but somehow convince you it is in your best interest.  Just make sure you learn Mandarin or Arabic when the creditors call, Ni Hao!  They dictate (herein after referred to as a mandate) what others should do, but exempt themselves.  Wowee wow wow! They pass 3,000 page bills and not even read them. They hold really long meetings, accomplish nothing, and then get patted on the back for it, I think they call this a filibuster, but they might as well call it a taxpayer back breaker, because we pay for this nonperforming performance. If they are ever caught doing something illegal or unethical, they don’t go to jail, they pass go and collect $200, just as long as they resign from being a committee chairperson.  They don’t have to have solutions, just point out that the other sides solutions are bad, bad, bad.

I am an independent, I see the absurdity of both political philosophies. The fiscal cliff is a prime example, one side wants to raise taxes and the other side wants spending cuts.  Both sides say we must avoid this cliff, yet the cliff achieves what they say they want.  Only from the minds of politicians can such universal chaos be created, and they call this “public service.”  I don’t know about the rest of you, but if government is the full service solution, I think I will make 2013 the year of self service, that and run for public office.  Hey, is there anything wrong with cashing in on the easiest job in the universe?

Oh, and my son, you remember the guy who wanted a tanning salon, or to be a video game tester? He now wants to be a politician.  He surprises me every so often.  If you need assistance in becoming a politician send $1.2 trillion for the self help books of the millennium, Do if Yourself Deficit Deflection and Defense for Dummies”, or Fiscal Cliff Finger Pointing and Painting. So order today, today, today (echo.)

HAVE A HAPPY AND POLITICALLY PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR

BBB Enterprises

1234 Suckers Way

Grand Cayman Islands

Call today 1-800-LEEC-HES

Disclaimer:  This is satire, or if you prefer very sick and twisted humor.  If you truly want to end any future humor posts, then help me win a senate seat in 2014.  I promise to end all writing, including any bills that just might become law.