March Sing Along

AShower

You have two choices in life. To cry or laugh. I choose to laugh. We had a little drama during the remodeling of our home here on Kauai so we could sell it.  Let me set the scene.  We order a sink only later to find out it will not fit, leaving exposed edges.  This obviously would have made us look like amateur hillbilly’s, and that’s a hard thing to accomplish. But here on Kauai there’s not a lot of inventory to select from, and the plumber, who is also the owner of a dive company, was already scheduled for diving classes.  This meant we had to go a few days without a sink, which is also connected to the dishwasher.  So this left only one alternative, wash our dishes while we shower, nothing glamorous like singing in the rain. I kid you not.

So what can you do?  You can first curse – which I did, followed by drinking every Mai Tai, Blue Hawaiian, and assorted wines we had in the house – which I did.  You can then cry over your hangover or the woes of the world.  But, I choose to laugh and look at the funny and bright side of life.

With all this in mind, let’s us return to the world of my now famous sing along songs, to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies for added effect.

Let me tell you about a story about a man named Ed,
Who moved to Hawaii so his dreams could be fed.
Then one day while remodeling the sink the contractor said, “this model ain’t going to fit.”
So poor ole Ed slumped and yelled out “I can’t believe this $#%&”.

Curse word that is, rather crude

The next thing you know Ed’s wife is washing from the shower
His wife said, “Ed get this fixed quick or I’m going to get sour.”
He made the mistake of saying, “Hey babe you’re still in paradise”
That’s when she clocked him upside the head with kitchen merchandise.

Lead skillet that is, hard and painful

Well now it’s time to say
Goodbye to Ed and all his remodeling fun,
He told his wife no more homes with potential,
or he’s going to get a gun.
You’re all invited here to share the insanity
As long as you can wash dishes from the bathroom vanity.

Now surely my fellow readers you have some humorous tales of life gone sour.  Shout out.

I’m Back!

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Okay I took some time off to make a living instead of entertaining my followers for free.  After two years on Kauai, it is time to move back to the mainland to find employment in – Florida.  Well, if you can’t have Hawaii, Florida will do just fine.  There’s still plenty of hot humid days and nights to remind me of Hawaii, just no mountains.  As a matter of fact the highest place on Florida is about 240 above sea level.  Must be a landfill.

During my time off from writing I was able to to witness more insanity of the world.  We have a new President who is going to make things… well, very interesting.  We had the election cycle where 16 traditional Republicans couldn’t beat this one guy.  We had a Democrat who was almost upstaged by a socialist and we had email leaks that suggested voters were “unaware and compliant”.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all something new comes along to blow your mind, such as Labiaplasty, read all about it here.  I won’t comment any further on this topic, except to say I think the Russians are up to no good. You decide if we have all lost our minds.

In researching Florida with my wife we discovered there are Alligators, Crocodiles, Pythons, Nile Monitor lizards, and Mosquitoes the size of Pterdactyls. I just kidded with a friend that our goal is still to own acreage and establish a small farm. We’ll section off a bit for tourists so they can see these monsters. In good ole west Texas redneck fashion I’ll call this section “You Bet Yourassic Park” and will be available to all the unaware and  compliant tourist. I discriminate against no one for a fee of $100 (cheaper than Disney).  Although, I do have a small wall that will cost you $10 to scale and enter and another $50 to scale over when I let loose of the creatures of my lagoon.  Hey, I gotta make up for lost revenues living in Hawaii.

We will give Bonita Springs a go, until they kick us out because of this blog.  At least I will have one thing in common with a vast majority of people there, I’m AARP eligible or a current member, which means buffet’s have a 10% discount.  So now after two years of trying to learn the Hawaiian language in vain, I can switch to speaking Spanish.  This I have some actual experience with living most of my life in Texas.  Here’s just a sample:

“Hey you, hurry up with that Mai Tai – Sus Muy Urgente!”

But if I choose to look like a foreign tourist I can fake my language with a combination of French Hawaiian German Japanese when ordering food.

“Mahalo nui loa arigatou gozaimasu actung humumunukukuapua’a s’il vous plait.”  When they ask what the hell I was saying, I’ll just translate for them,

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll have the reef trigger fish please.”

I’m sure you have all missed me, wondering if I have committed harakiri or was just plain committed.

Well, I’m back.

 

 

Babble On

PuffyLips

 

Do you recall the story of Babylon?  You know the time God dispersed mankind into different parts of the world with different languages, so that we could not communicate.  Do you ever fear that has happened again?

First let me say I am an old fart.  Almost 57, purely anthropology material.  I find myself struggling to keep up with the world of communication.  Case in point, some one stated the other day in a post on Facebook,

“How cray cray is that?”

In my world of experience, a Cray is a supercomputer, so when referenced twice this is  a very powerful supercomputer – to the second power, as Cray2.  Now that is cool.

I was wrong, it means “Crazy”, they just drop off the “z” to create a whole new word.  That’s just plain “nut”, I purposely left off the “s” so I could fit into the cool crowd.  It didn’t work, someone posted back, “You cray cray old fart.” Sigh…

You see what I mean?  It was bad enough to try to survive the valley girl days of the 80’s and Disco lingo of the 70’s.  Now I have three decades of hip hop billy bob country western pop to catch up on. How Cray is that?

We have country people turning pop, pop turning country, hip hop remaining hip hop, bop doing hip bop, and old farts doing the hip socket replacement bop.  STOP – STOP – STOP!!!

Every day I read of an actor or singer of my generation who has passed and it makes me melancholy to some extent, that’s because I understood them.When Marvin Gaye sang, “Let’s get it on”, there was no deciphering of the language.  It meant what everyone thought what it meant.  Nowadays you get lyrics like this,

“Let’s get cray cray with your bedazzled vjayjay.”

I had to ask my wife what in the creation of the universe was a a vjayjay.  She explained it to me.  I was dumbfounded, babble on is back in black.  I suppose this is code so that parents can’t filter teens music.  Luckily I am an anthropology specimen who no longer has to worry about teen code.  My son and daughter thought they were masters with “Myspace” to keep me in the dark. It didn’t work however, how cray cray is that?  Hey, I’m getting the hang of this.  Now they are adults with children, and they have to figure out what the next babble on code will be.

I miss the simple days, with only a few television stations of wholesome programming that didn’t require a Phd in HipHopstery to understand or taking sides over which was the dominant movie of the week like Stars Wars vs Avatar.  Talk about cray cray.

So, to leave you with something of importance I have decided to provide one of my trademarked sing alongs to brighten your day, sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies:

Well let me tell you about a story of man named Ed,
A poor old fart who couldn’t keep trends in his head,
but then one day when blogging with some fools,
He went cray cray trying to understand this drool.

Babble on, culture shock, sheeple rule

Well the first thing you know, people told him to get out of there
The babble on crowd are probably blogging in their underwear.
Said, Kauai is the place you need to be,
So he loaded up his family and moved to Lihue.

Beaches, forests, all Kardashian free.

Well now it’s time to say adios to Ed and all his kind,
I’d like to remind you, you all have lost your mind,
You’re not invited to  this locality,
Cuz I don’t need your cray cray mentality.
Yo post a comment now, yo yo hear!

Be sure to give our sponsor – hippiehootnanny.com a call when visiting Kauai.  When you are a Hippie and don’t give a hoot nanny about your lodging accommodations, hippiehootnanny.com fits perfectly those lack of needs.  Remember, hippiehootnanny.com, that’s hippiehootnanny.com.

 

 

Last Blog Entry of 2015

Aswell1

 

Well, 2015 wasn’t my greatest year for writing here on the most fabulous blog of the world (I had readers from 71 countries).  I blame it on living on the island of Kauai since May.  You see here we have gorgeous days and nights with endless flowing Mai Tai’s – ahhhh paradise!  The biggest problem living on Kauai is that you have to be innovative at generating revenue to STAY on Kauai.  This is where I decided to rent out my two spare bedrooms under the fine B&B trademark HippieHootNanny.com

HootNanny

 

You see, I spare no expense for anyone who wants to come enjoy Kauai.  All you have to do is want to live like a hippy and not give a hoot nanny.  Let your dreadlocks flow and have your hitchhiking thumb ready to take you places. We, the management, will give you plenty of amenities such as a floor and yoga mat to sleep on and a fully convertible ironing board/desk.  We care about you and your simple hippy needs.

Hootnanny2

We must warn you however that you might discover you are allergic to Mango and will swell up and itch like a hound dog from Arkansas. That goes for unprocessed Cashews and about 1,000 other varieties of tropical plants and fruits. Medical Marijuana has just been made legal, so you might just wish to swell up.

So if Kauai is on your mind for 2016 and you want to channel that inner hippy in you, call 1-800-HIP-HOOT.  That’s hippiehootnanny.com, yes, that’s hippiehootnanny.com (wink).

Now I must get busy on 2016 resolutions, my top ten are:

  1. Add toilet seat to guest bathroom.
  2. Tie dye the carpet.
  3. Finish bamboo Buddha sculpture.
  4. Complete the rum still.
  5. Scrub 2015’s red dirt off feet.
  6. Take a bath at Hanalei
  7. Erect peace symbol sign so people can easily locate us.
  8. Learn to pronounce Poipu
  9. Pay my lovely property manager a salary for 2015.
  10. Write more awesome posts.

hau’oli makakiki hou (Happy Hippy New Year!)

 

How to Milk a Laden Coconut – The Holy Quest

chimp

Coconuts do not migrate

Since my post on Monty Python yesterday received at least one comment, I think I’m on to something and I want to keep that trend going.  I think coconuts was the key meta tag that lead my reader to me, your humble master of absurdity. For ages I’ve seen pictures of men pretending to be women wearing coconut bras.  I never a knew that there were trans coconuts, but I am tolerant and accepting for those that choose such a path.  I also had no idea on how to milk a coconut so I set out on a quest of discovery.

First, I tried the DIY way – the hands on approach.  I held a laden coconut firmly in my hand and suckled at the pointed end.  Much to my surprise it yielded no milk and I truly do suck… hard.  I thought for certain this was the origin of the term – Blue Hawaiian.  I tried suckling on various sizes of the nuts and still no milk.

Second, I have very dry skin and eczema so I have to use lotion to sooth said skin, including my scalp.  My lovely wife buys two new products, both clearly labeled as having coconut milk, one a shampoo and the other a conditioner. They are also packaged in nice little bottles easy for nursing and milk consumption. Let me say that the shampoo smelled lovely!  At first you don’t notice the burning lice killing chemicals, but then you start frothing at the mouth and your cursing loses all its impact.  After ten minutes of running cool cleansing water through my mouth, I decide the conditioner must be smoother and enjoyable, like one of my wife’s smoothies.  All I can say is that the hairs on my tongue are now under control.  My bowels however… well, let’s not go there, yet.

Finally, I decided to ask a few true native Hawaiians and they seemed so cooperative that they began to smile and even laugh.  Now that’s what I call collaboration!  They hand me two medium sized nuts and told me that the milk won’t be ready until you place them under your shirt and stand on the roadside for 30 minutes in the Hawaiian heat and humidity. Look up into the sky, sway your hips, and sing to the Gods over and over, “Haole, Haole, Hulu, please bring me some coconut mulu.” Well, I was mistaken, from a long distance, of being a rather well endowed member of Castle Anthrax, and was cat-called, whistled and harassed by tourist and visiting sailors.  Still, no milk, but a lot of propositions.  If you visit Hawaii, be wary of eager Hawaiian’s advice, they are pranksters.

Now my loving wife takes me to a juice bar, where a coconut barista whacks off the pointed end, inserts a straw and voila!  Coconut milk.  I then realize – I hate coconut milk!  It’s vile.  Please someone pass me the pineapple shampoo.  Who in their right mind would eat or drink a coconut?  You have to drown it out with heavy doses of Rum and stick a little umbrella in it. They call this a Pina Colada, a French word that loosely translates to “fart in a glass.”  According to the Internet, which never lies, coconut milk has the following medicinal values:

  • Aids in digestion.  Well yeah!  If you can’t swallow it or keep it down, it never digests.
  • Reduces Sweet Craving.  True!  Just makes you down 151 Rum or Kerosene.
  • Improves Heart Health. Well that’s true too.  The heaving and hurling does raise the heart rate.
  • Gluten Free.  Wait, what?  Gluten is from wheat, barley and rye.  Are you suggesting that these crops migrated to Hawaii to a have a fling with a unladen coconut but the coconut rejected the seeding of their gluten?  I’m starting not to believe the Internet and all the Gluten Gurus.

Well, that ends another episode into the sex lives of migratory coconuts and this writers’ quest to understand the mammary glands of tropical fruit.  I am told they are rebuilding the famous Coco Palms resort.  Huh!  I thought coconuts vacationed in Colorado. We have been invited over to many pupu parties and the thought of that prank alone clears my bowels.

Stay tuned, for my next quest is to learn how to milk a Lychee.  Absurd?  You betcha.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail – 40th Anniversary Shrubbery Sale

The thing I love about Facebook is connecting with people who have the same intellectual craving for fine movies, with a deep meaning of the origin of man and the universe.  Well, this is not one of those moments.  Let us take a perilously peril trip back (yes you must, none shall pass) forty years and relive silly places like Camelot, and conversations about coconut laden swallows and Knights of the round table.  Now that I’m living in Hawaii and know how heavy a migrating coconut can be, I don’t care about the air-speed velocity of any Sparrow, European or African, it is against the law of physics.

I’m not quite dead yet, but boy has 40 years flown, faster than a biting moose with a lead role in, “The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink.”  When I married my wife with huge tracts of land and made her watch this glorious film, she looked at me as though I had visited the Castle Anthrax and been spanked way too many times by evil bad, bad, Zoot – Dingo’s identical twin sister.  My wife wouldn’t let me have just a little peril.

It took years, but she finally understood that life sometimes has to have its silly moments.  I grew up as a newt watching Monty Python on PBS using rabbit ears and tin foil to increase reception.  Once I took it off my head and placed it on the TV I saw episodes like the silly Olympics, silly job interview for chartered accountants wanting to be lion tamers and other classical moments. That rabbit is dynamite! As was the vicious Chicken of Bristol.

As I grew older I sat around drinking Chateau de Chassilier, eating ham and jam and spam a lot, and contemplating politics of autonomous collectives and anarchosyndicalist communes, and that power is not vested by some silly woman appearing from a lake, and that if you don’t vote for your king, it was a sham election.  But, you can always spot a King, because he doesn’t have shite all over him.  But if you hang around long enough you can witness the oppression inherent in the system.

From Holy Grail, it has been proven here in Hawaii that you can bypass fall and go directly to summer.  I have also proven that I’m getting better now and that my flesh wounds heal quickly.  I just recently learned what a “Pram” is and why anyone would push it alot. Yes, now that I am older I do fart in peoples general direction like a holy hand grenade of Antioch with a stench from the gorge of eternal peril. It is very perilous. Sometimes I get down on my Ni and saw lumber with a herring.  In the howls of the night I become a brave Sir Robin and run away, run away.

I do know that my name is Eddie, no wait, Edward and that my favorite color is red, I mean green.   If I hear an outrageous accent, then I must be near a person from France who might taunt me a second time with insults that my mother was a hamster and my father an elderberry, and they already have a grail sitting on the mantel looking pretty.  Oh those silly French!

There is much, much more to share, but it would be too perilous. Turns out they may play the movie on the big screen again and you are invited to bring coconuts if you like.  I may not be able to attend unless I find a nice, but not too expensive shrubbery, as a sacrifice.  So if you hear someone shouting in the middle of the night, “bring out your dead, bring out your dead” you will know I have found a shrubbery for a date.  I’ve learned a lot about life from this one very simply complex masterpiece of wit and slapstick. It is one movie you must pay close attention to or you will miss out completely in the revelry we cult-like followers share. If you see Roger the Shrubber, say hello to him for me, he’s quite a scruffy ruffian.

Perilously absurd?  You betcha! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh, you silly kaneggit pig-dog! Enjoy the opening credits and learn about Ralph the Wonder Llama! Can you say, “Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing?”

GCX3

Pruneface Parkinglot Pruitt

Rev up your engines, the GCX3 model is due this October. This means my daughter is giving birth to my third grandchild this October.  I have two strapping grandsons named Brogan and Beckett (born this August), soon to be All-American linebacker duo at the University of Oklahoma (if I have a say in it).  But my daughter is having a girl, which means I have to polish the shotgun and oil the rusty shovel and get my papa language and evil eye back into practice with the old alert,

You see that girl there young man?  That’s my granddaughter.  You make her cry, I make you cry – capiche?  She wants you gone, you are gone.  See this gun and shovel?  I’m an expert with them.  I’m a grandfather!

My daughter will never admit it, but I scared every single young man who came near me.  They’d run to the door, ring the bell and then run like a banshee back to their car waiting for her to run equally like a banshee to escape.  Luckily my son-in-law is in the military, so he understands rank and respect, well, okay, rank then.

But it dawned on me.  Crap.  I’m old!  Gone are the days when girls whistled at me on the beach, nowadays when I hear whistling I suck in that gut as hard as I can, turning blue like William Wallace going into battle, with the expectation it was all about me, when in fact it was about some dog, marking his spot on my leg.

“Bad spot, bad spot..  you peed on the Uncle!”

EddieAuthorMy lawn guy tells me you know you are old when all the young girls call you “Uncle.”  That’s Hawaiian for “Old Fart.”  In English it means to surrender, capitulate, give in to the pain of a wrestling match you have no chance in hell winning.  So call me Uncle Hamish.  But… I won’t capitulate entirely, because I live in Hawaii and that makes me cool papa #1!  I will now go by the Rap stage name of 1CoolPapa.

Who’s yo daddy, who’s ya papa?
Who can take out the trash and sling the mopa?
I ain’t yo uncle and I ain’t ya momma
Cuz I be beachin, Ima 1CoolPapa.

But, I digress. (If that rendition does not cure you of Rap, nothing will.)

So now as the hot Hawaiian days pass into college football season, I can sit back and plan all the trips we need to take to visit these miracles of life, so that I can spoil the daylights out of them.  It’s wonderful being a grandparent. I cherish every stinking Karma filled moment.  So if my kids get upset with me I’ll go back into my Gangsta Rap mode.

I was yo daddy, but now Ima papa
This gives me perks and for yo momma
You can throw me out and I still be smilin
Cuz during naptime I’ll be dialin and callin

You say the kids are now stinking rotten,
well that’s Karma or have ya forgotten!
I ain’t yo uncle and I ain’t ya momma
Cuz I be beachin, Ima 1CoolPapa.

Guess who doesn’t get invited for Christmas to deliver the drum, microphone, and amplifier sets?

Absurd?  You betcha!

Disclaimer – this rap material is a work of art and 1CoolPapa will sue the #@$%## out of ya if you so much as #*$&^ try to match if with a Barry Manilow tune !