Acronym Hell (AH)

chimp

A CM with an ICBM

I’m sure it’s not just me but everything has become an acronym in our communications.  Sometimes the message gets so distorted it makes absolutely no sense. So I’ve decided to start placing my own meaningless acronyms in my communications just to join the already insane world. This way they have to either complete full sentences or call me for true relationship building.

For example, I was communicating with a recruiter who wanted to know if I had CM experience.  Turns out that means Change Management, which is an MBA grad level course costing $50K for finding out what is not working in an organization and “Change” it.  What I should have done is replied like this,

“Yes, I had a horrible CM experience and I’ve never heard such screaming. There was even a CM BM afterwards.”

Now I’m sure this recruiter would reply back with, “WTH?”

“You asked me if I had a CM experience and I did.  You see I was on a trip in the Congo and natives castrated a monkey (CM).  The monkey went nuts and BM’d (that’s pooed) everywhere, which I can’t blame him.  I’d BM too if anyone took my FJ’s (That’s family jewels).”

Good thing he didn’t ask me about a recent BM experience, because I’d go all ICBM on him.

And you know it’s okay, I didn’t even get an interview, because the CMSC in question has a LC with 1 FCC and 8 STCC’s – TGINMFJ’s (Thank God It’s Not My Family Jewels) in a vice.  Translation, the Change Management Seeking Company has a Litigation Case against it with 1 Federal Criminal Complaint and 8 State Tort and Criminal Complaints, which means they are FUBAR’d and holding RGCMB’s (Think hard on this one).  See… I can sound MBA level intelligent too!

One thing I can’t do is type with my thumbs and allow AI to correct my SS&T, although I might use the AI VADS ASAP.  I never want to enter acronym hell and become a CM with an ICBM that’s FUBAR and wind up with RGCMB’s.

Now if you can decipher this last message comment, reply to me, we’ll see how close you get.  And if you can’t understand it, well, welcome to my world…

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A Feet Defeat Fete

AE01

If you read my last post I’ve added 2 billion new followers for incredibly brilliant humor such as the one you are about to read.  Recently, we moved from the island of Kauai to Naples, Florida.  The picture above is of two warm feet in the black sand beach of the big Island – Hawaii.  We thought that at least we’d get the same weather and could run around in our thongs, I mean slippers.  In West Texas they are called thongs or flip flops, in Hawaii it is called a slipper.  To me a slipper is something a woman wears underneath.  Uh, well the same goes for thongs, but that’s not the point of this post.  I will try not to digress, but geniuses can’t be boxed in when the moment is right, kinda like Cialis daily use. Uh no, back to feet. But I am open to sponsors.

So here I was running around in my slippers about a week ago and BOOM – a dose of polar vortex and bomb cyclones.  It has become so unseasonably cold here in Florida that Iguanas are falling out of trees from a serious case of brain freeze, no really, I kid you not.  All of this means is that my wife’s feet are now cold and like a heat-seeking missile of massive destruction she finds a way to locate my warm inner thighs as I’m about to fall asleep.  This is why I have insomnia, for fear of a sneak attack.  I tell you, she’s a contortionist.  I’m barely flexible enough to put on a pair of socks let alone find a position to get retaliation against her.  I tried once and fell out of the bed. I swear she only married me for my body heat.  But after the invasion of my private safe zone, I’m cold too.  Now I’m wearing socks too which means I can’t wear my thongs, I mean slippers.

What is it with our feet?  If mine get cold the rest of the body suffers.  It’s like a dog coming out of the water.  They start shaking from the tail and it works its way to the nose. My nose can get cold first, no big deal, the second my feet are exposed, it’s an all day ordeal to warm up the rest of the body. Are our feet the center of our body and sole (sic – for my grammar nazi followers)?  I’ve read that many ailments can be solved by massaging certain areas of the sole.

We’ve been watching Poldark on Amazon Prime and there’s this pastor who has a foot fetish.  Are cold feet similar to a fungi flavored popsicles?  Anytime he sees naked toes he goes nuts.  Maybe I ought to introduce him to my wife.  Like a football punter who can raise his leg high and quick, that’s my wife.  She can have one foot in his mouth on the count of hut one, hut two.  What does hut mean anyway?  She’s always asking me to get down in the center’s position so she can pretend to be quarterback.  I’m not taking any hut-huts from her, I know it’s just a ploy for the proper placement of her cold hands. I think hut is the sound we make when cold hands invade our private parts, so it just became part of the sport.

Now I’ve offered to buy my wife one of those very sexy full body fleeced baby jumpers they advertise along with a  two-story stuffed teddy bear she can dive into and disappear so that it would keep her warm, OH NO, she wants to torture me instead and I’m not interested in foot BDSM.  I just want to sleep and not have dreams of Elsie from Frozen singing to me,  “Let them thaw, let them thaw.”  I’ve even offered to move us to Ecuador, so that no vortex, cyclone, or tsunami of frozen iguanas could interfere.  Sadly, even then she’d drink so many margaritas that she’d get cold there too.  I just can’t win, but I am certainly not about to declare a defeat by feet.

Well that’s my update on winter 2018 – live from Naples, Florida.  This is Flinch Furrblaster signing off.

200K Followers Guaranteed

Puppy

#Puppy #Ransom

Remember when Twitter was having difficulties, but now it’s back big time?  I joined Twitter to sell books and direct traffic here to my humor posts.  I only have 4K followers, but noticed that new followers are always direct messaging me on how to gain thousands of followers for a few bucks.  They have about 190K followers, other members also trying to sell you followers, which means followers are following followers.  I’ve also noticed that Twitter is now hyper-political and hyper-nasty, the more nastier your comments the more your followers, hmmm…

So with his in mind, here are a few guaranteed nasty post techniques to get you more followers than you ever imagined possible.  No matter what party affiliation you are, play both sides, because then each side will follow you to see what you will say next.

  1. “Oh yeah, well I have your #puppy held for #ransom.” Attach cute puppy meme.  Everyone loves puppies.  They’ll read this and whisper, “What the ….” and then look at your profile and send a follow request.  Pound Puppy was my son’s favorite toy as a infant and toddler so I have an emotional attachment to this. PETA will also follow you, the ASPA, Humane Society, etc.  #Ransom will have every crime prevention organization noticing you and following to see if you are actually Guido Chapo, the notorious Italian Mexican crime lord.  Crime Cartels will follow you to see if they can get into your cartel due to your popularity.  See how this works?  All of a sudden politics and the Kardashians will be usurped and supplanted.
  2. “Your #mother was a #hamster and your #father an #elderberry #bush!”  Again, this is a “What the ….” lead generation tool. Attach sweet little old mother and father photo.  Everyone loves their mother and father, possibly a Hamster that was accidentally flushed down the toilet, sweet elderberries, and a nicely shaped but inexpensive shrubbery.  If they correlate #Bush with the president Bush, then there you go, fire up the angst or support and gain 100,000 followers hanging on your next comment.
  3. #Spigot #Gracious #Tater #Promophobe.  Set people really on fire with these jewels.  It’s proven fact that words can launch a war, even if there is no context to those words. Even words that sound like words that ignite hate can be used to fool someone.  One side will love you and other side will hate you, who cares, 200,000+ followers guaranteed.  Yes, I have a fear of promotional ads and taters. Eh.. what’s taters presicousss, what’s taters?  I do a great Gollum impersonation, but I digress.
  4. “U R #Stupid so #Stupid U R #Stupidier than the “Stupidiest”  This will attract all the grammar nazi’s, summa cum laudes, and those with Phd’s who feel compelled to fulfill something meaningful in life by exorcising you of your lack of intellect and vocabulary demons, word usage, sentence length, semi-superlative phobopronouns, etc. Yes I have a fear of pronouns too.
  5. #Laugh be #Happy #Damnit Then there are those who simply want to stay enraged, so any suggestion of laughter or happiness will enrage them any further.  They follow if only to post #FU, but hey it’s still a follower.
  6. It’s only #Politics #God bless u  Finally, both sides live and breathe politics, one side is anti-God and another pro-God, so you’ve got both sides covered now arguing with each other over your post, forgetting who you ever were – what a blessing.

As you can see you will have 160 billion followers in no time.  What?  You say there is only 7.6 billion people in the world.  You forget all the fake accounts they sell you generated by an AI engine looking for all the hashtags above and those who flock to the ones with the most retweets and likes.

As you can see, I will do just about everything to sell my books.  Please #Retweet this and I promise not to #DM you, I have a fear of that too, may #God help me.  Oh look, two new followers!

 

2018 Changes in Weather Reporting

BabyFart3

A Bomb Cyclone Blast Victim

Here we go again.  In the course of human history we always look for a way to make something appear new, appealing, or interesting by simply giving it a new name.  Case in point, we now have a winter bomb cyclone.  A what?  I’ve been on this planet for 58 years and never heard of such a thing, why now?  Because weather is a boring as accounting, so they have to spice it up.  Now if we referred to weather phenomenon with flatulence related terms you’d have viewers every day, high advertising revenues and richer corporations.  Let me give you a few examples:

“Hi folks, it’s Skip Winksmelter with your weekly forecast.  We are expecting a Canadian triple flutter blast this week.  The first flutter will be on Wednesday, followed by the second flutter on Thursday.  Friday is expected to be the worst of the triple blast leading to a weekend for cleaning up the mess.”  Now Skip’s real name is Harvey Williams… boring.

“Hello folks, it’s Izza Beanmasher and we are expected a surge from a Mexican back end back draft on Friday.”  Now surely you’d want to know what that is going to be about and plan your weekend accordingly.

“Hey guys, it’s Frankie Furkfurter just telling you to watch out for the arctic booty bomb cyclone coming your way. It could be dangerous!”

“Folks, it’s Jack Reeker letting you know a lake effect two cheek sneaker is on its way. Accumulations are expected to be deep.”

“Viewers, this  is Flapp Finkelflower advising you that a Florida two lap thunder thumper flapper has about an 80% chance of building up under a very high pressure dome this coming Monday.”

“Clyde Curdlemeister here with a quick update on the atmospheric three layer cheese cloud maker.  Just look at the bands on the radar there it is clearly, the hook broccoli formation.  Please stay indoors to avoid injuries to your eyes and lungs.”

Well I could go on and on with this, but I’ve given everyone involved with enough information to boost revenues and ratings.  And I never get paid for all this genius humor writing.

Childish and sophomoric? You betcha… hey, pull my finger and see what weather develops.

Anti-Revolutionaries Revolting Resolutions

FamousHamishCropped

Che Jamie Alexander Francisco McKniggit

While reading the news on Iran I found it odd that the article suggests the protestors are anti-revolutionaries. It’s not that they were anti-theists controlled government, but anti-revolutionaries. Uh, are they not revolting?  Doesn’t that make them revolutionaries?  This sent me into one of my Monty Python moments about two groups arguing over their status and concept of their own sense of revolution.  I give you the Rodean Peoples Full Frontal and the Rodean Peoples Backside revolution organizations.  The conversation would go something like this at a nice French cafe between Cleese and Palin,

Cleese, “I read today the backsiders are revolting against our revolution. Why the nerve of those kniggits.”

Palin, “Excuse me, but I’m a backsider and couldn’t help but to hear your comments. We are the revolution! Viva la revolucione!”

Cleese, “No your not!”

Palin, “Oh yes we are, we’ve taken it up the backsides so long from your full frontal revolution, that we decided to backside yours.”

Cleese, “You can’t revolt the revolution, it’s not revolutionary enough.  You have to be an innovative revolting revolutionary and a member of the Revolutionaries Revolting Resolution Union.”

Palin, “Say what? There’s no such organization.”

Cleese, “Yes, the RRRU’s charter under title VXVVII states clearly states that you must support the Rodean’s Peoples Full Frontal from pretenders claiming to be revolutionaries, revolting in revolutionary cosplay or non-copyrighted T-Shirt images of our leader, Che Jamie Alexander Francisco McKniggit.”

Palin, “Oh my, you’ve thought of everything in your evolving revolting revolutionary resolution union resolutions.”

Cleese, “Yes, we stay resolved in our revolution’s resolutions and are quite revolted when others try to usurp our revolutionary rights under our resolutions and not pay in our unions unified codification code and regulations of our revolting rights membership fees.”

Palin, “Well in that case, I apologize from inserting my claim to revolt upon your resolutions and reservations of rights to claim to be a revolting revolutionary.”

Cleese, “Quite alright, pay your fees and you can be come a member of the Rodean’s Peoples Full Frontal.  Besides, it’s the Foreign Outsiders Full Colonialism Collectivist Conglomerate who are the real trouble makers in the world.”

Now, in no way am I making fun of Iran and the brave people who are protesting for their beliefs, I only find it odd that in 1979 the collective group of human sheep decided on one form of revolution and now we are back to the pre-revolution way of thinking revolution. Who has the legitimate claim on revolution?

My point is if thinking of revolutions in such a manner as above gave us too many headaches, we might decide that living in freedom and minding one’s own business, just might contribute to world peace.

But don’t get me started on Venezuela.

 

Where has all the humor gone? Only IF…

Terminator2

We are nearing the end of 2017 and if you read the news or hashtags on social media you realize quickly we have lost our humor.  If we post anything it will either be considered sexist, bigoted, racist, or non-humanist.  This is why I am no longer picking on humans, but technology created by humans.  Technology is cold and sterile and has very limited logic to find itself offended, unless it has human overrides to insert illogical code like the following:

IF poster insults code
THEN flash middlefinger.jpg
ENDIF

Well you see, I’ve a little bit of programming experience and it all begins with the IF statement.  But these little code jewels can become rather complex if you nest multiple illogical IF’s, like the following:

IF poster is looking at sexy photo
THEN INSERT lawsuit
ELSEIF poster drooling
THEN take photo of poster with his own camera as evidence for lawsuit
ELSEIFIF
THENIFIF poster not whistling, drooling or looking at photo
EXIT shut down poster for being insensitive for lack of attention
ENDIF
ENDIF
ENDIF

Now this is all code for an Artificial Intelligence engine that has to make value judgments by computing 2,348 NESTED IFS all at the rate of 23 million nanoseconds.  If you don’t select LIKE or RETWEET you are bombarded with hate responses.  Soon the ELSE statement will be replaced with OR#ELSE, as seen in the following code:

IF partner veers attention to CallOfDuty35
THEN ask politely to turn off and give attention
IF partner pretends to not hear
THEN shout loudly
OR#ELSE break new fruitcake lamp his momma gave him for Christmas over his fathead
ENDIF
ENDIF

And don’t leave out the BUT.BUT.IF statement,

BUT.BUT.IF I’ve only been playing video.games for <=48.hours
THEN I’m not ignoring you SWEET.HEART
END.BUT.BUT

Maybe artificial intelligence will wipe out the IF statement and create something completely logical so that no one can be offended. When you press post it should say “Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?” If you press YES, it gives you one last chance, “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.” This brilliant code might look like this,

#HEY.STUPID.U #POST.THIS.U.MORON
THEN pack to Siberia DISPLAY “”Do you really want to post this comment that can ruin your life?”
PRESS.2ND = TRUE
ELSE send #TERMINATOR DISPLAY “You are a masochist aren’t you?  Say good night.”
STOP ALL BUT.BUTS
#END.STUPID.U

We have spell check, but how about “meaning check?”  This way it can tell you how much trouble and the wrath of Twitter will be rained down upon you.  Now I’d pay for that form of technology.

Only IF.

 

 

 

 

Snooze and Other Facebook Features Needed for 2018

Snoring Woman and Husband Covering Ears

Today I noticed a new Facebook feature titled “snooze”.  At first I was elated, nothing would be more apropos than to click this feature and have a snoring sound project on people whose posts are too long or politically charged.  I mean come on, 2017 was the year that Facebook and other social media sites have been targeted for political and other social slamming.  Everyone is slamming everyone, making the Game of Thrones series appear like child’s play.  Sadly, I was informed that it just puts a follower on pause for 30 days.  Well, hell.  Where’s the fun in that?  Give me a pause feature, that posts a picture of a person with his hand waving a pointed index finger and saying, “you’ve been paused for 30 days, no offense.”  I was hoping I could even send a messenger notification that I was going to snore on someone, so it wouldn’t hurt their feelings too much.  You see, I’m not a PC person.  If someone is whinning on Facebook I want to send them a Facebook coloring book for adults along with a pacifier.  I just want to help people.

So with this in mind, here are the features Mr. Ruckerberg, I mean Mr. Burgerberg, no wait it’s Mr.s Zingerberger, oh whatever his name is, that I want these top ten items to be added in 2018:

  1. Snore – not sneeze or snooze, but snore.  I want to help those that I’m following know that I do read their posts, but have difficulty staying awake through it all. I’ve recorded my wife’s snoring.  Trust me, it can wake the dead.
  2. Shock – a feature that sends an electrical shock to the fingers of the poster to let them know they just shocked you with their content, and that Mother Carol at divinity school never taught you such language.
  3. Rose or Fart – this is where the computer, connected to an oil diffuser can send either a bed of roses or a rather rude farting sound along with an obnoxious and toxic smokescreen of thick green gas into the air.  The full intent is to reward you for good behavior or punish so severely they dare not post such dribble again. It may be toxic, but it’s non-violent tough love. You may hear your parents, roommate, lover, or children (or all of them at once) scream out, “Cheesus Rice!  Check your britches… puhleeze!”
  4. Mass Extinction – this delightful click icon will send your post to all 700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 (latest count)  Facebook followers so that SHLSJW (Super Hero League Social Justice Warriors) will rain down on you, after they finish their coloring books and cosplay convention.  Don’t worry, you can also click on the Australian Outback Safe Space button to have Mr. Singerburger send you a one way ticket there without any ability of being traced ever again.  That sounds like a lot of fun.
  5. Instant Facetime – this click allows you to take control of the poster’s computer and camera to see if they really are a hot chick from Cleveland that requested a messenger connection named “Izaneed Love”, or Bubba of Bubba’s Bubbaburgerberg six patty jumbo burgers.  Okay, on second thought, scratch that idea…  No wait, there’s still the mass extinction button there so that you can reunite all the other “Izaneed Love’s” in the world.  Go ahead and keep that one, yea, yea.
  6. Momma – this simply posts everything to your momma, who is not on Facebook, in a brown paper special mail delivery package.  Included will be an Amazonia, Inc. shock & stress squeeze ball. Every time she sees the mail person delivering a brown wrapper marked DinkerFaceBerg, Inc. one little squeeze and you’ll get the meaning of “Slap on, Slap off”.  Wait, you say that’s not the original slogan.  Well, laddy dah, it appears I’ve just started a new trademarked trend. You read it here first, so don’t try to capitalize on it Mr. Finglebursterberganeggar.
  7. YTREWQ – this click button reverses your QWERTY key board and pauses you for 30 days until you act like a nice child with manners, this goes for all you baby-boomers out there.  Everything you type will be typed backwards and from right to left.  People will also think you are stoned.  If you try to type everything backwards it will reverse automatically.
  8. NITAL GIP – this click is if you try to fool the AI engine at Facebook by using voice recognition overriding #7 above.  What will happen is that your posts will be translated to Pig Latin and played in reverse.  If you try to talk in reverse pig latin, it will be reversed again into a rapper’s version of “You light up my life”.   People will think you are on drugs and a formal investigation will take place by the FBI.  They will think you’ve colluded with the government of grebrekcuZ of the planet Koobecaf to affect the outcome of WWIII.
  9. Nunya – this when you get those unsolicited friend or messenger requests from some hottie wearing a thong, or Bubba wearing a thong once you press #5 above, and have all your future pictures posted layered over their half naked body with a nun outfit.  This should reduce the number of scamming in the system.
  10. Bullya – similar to shaming someone with a nun outfit, the last button to stop and deliver justice for anyone found bullying another person. This feature finds your true identity and sends your address to Uber Guido, Inc. These guys have shovels and are very resourceful of placing people into permanent hiding.  No one has still found Hoffabergameister or whatever his name was.

Now I know this doesn’t cover Twitter, but if you can, please add a feature in Twitter, I  call it the “Flitter” that will send a little butterfly flittering across the screen that will connect you to a direct feed of “Izaneed Love”, aka Bubba, in his thong for 30 days as a means of cleaning up our attitudes.

Finally, can someone simply create a Hackerberg button in all apps to locate Hackers that will immediately send Uber Guido to their location?  We can be a shining example for the universe, if you only just give me the power to rule it.

Happy New Year folks.