Lizards in Love on the Love Shack Lanai

Planet

Lizard

Before you begin reading this post, do your best to read it with the voice of Sir David Attenborough running through your mind.  It will make it sound intelligent and even educational, or John Cleese if you prefer absurdity.

My wife and I sit on our front Lanai every afternoon to enjoy the beauty of Kauai with a glass or two of wine, possibly a whole bottle depending on the entertainment unfolding before us. I put in a garden my first year here and now it is fully developed and loved by all the lizards.  So much, it has become a brothel of lizard love making.  They have no shame, they just do it right in front of us.  Let me set the scene.

Planet Earth III – The Kingdom of Lizards

There are two prominent studly males named Larry and Liam. Yes, that’s their names – deal with it.  Then there a host of slim and elegant streamlined tailed females named Lydia, Linda and Latisha.  Each day around 4:00 PM they come out into the open and begin a bizarre ritual of mating.  The female acts uninterested (as do all females) while Larry, the biggest stud, does about 20 push ups to gain her attention and at the same time he bleats the loose skin under his throat which is brightly colored red.  This is a signal by the male that he is interested and is also lizard love sign language for,

“Here Lizaard, Lizaard, Lizaard”.  Older people will get this reference.

Now if Linda is somewhat interested, she will curl her tail as an invitation, like a woman curling her finger seductively. Larry sprints over like Usain Bolt to Linda, all the while Lydia and Latisha are watching, calling Linda a sleazy slut and texting pictures to everyone at the bunko club.  Yes, we actually heard this conversation, oh the harsh words and body shaming.  Larry does 20 more pushups and then mounts Linda, where, I kid you not, they do 20 pushups together.  Larry is twice the size of Linda. If she starts to run she is carrying Larry for a ride (no pun intended).  Soon they stop and Larry, like a greco roman  wrestler flips Linda to her side and has his way with her.  Linda’s tail flutters for a few moments, then stops and both lizards go comatose.  They lie there in their loving embrace for about three minutes and then separate into the bushes for cigarettes, cocktails, and insect pupu’s, discussing how to make money on the videos Lydia and Latisha just socially shared on Repitlebook.

Liam then appears and both Lydia and Latisha also do the routine of complete disinterest.  Although I imagine there is fine aroma of pheromones wafting about.  There is no variation in the routine.  There’s no subtle dating, dining, dancing, candy grams, plush teddy bears, snuggy pajama’s presented, or any form of romantic gestures, it’s all about getting in and out and on with your life, because some bird just might swoop down and have a tasty combo snack.

Now this leaves out poor Latisha, who Larry hasn’t stopped watching, so Larry goes at it again, and again, and again. It becomes the Indianapolis 500 of horny lizards, with no evidence of reptile dysfunction.  Soon they are all exhausted and they all leave to climb their rock safe spaces to be alone and gather enough of the remaining sunlight to prepare for the harsh winter nights of Kauai.  Now each of the females have texted each other, shared videos on social media, all wondering why guy lizards are so unthoughtul,

“It’s 20 quickies, then they are off to the pool hall with the boys to brag about their conquests of the day.  All they think about is tail”.

Soon a host of baby lizards will be on their way, growing up quickly and questioning who is their father.  I hear lizard litigation on paternity issues is a growing and profitable trend.  This is when Larry and Liam migrate to the neighbors yard, effortless leaping over the newly constructed immigration wall,  where Lola, Laila, and Lulululupupupupumamamia are practicing their uninterested looks, yet eagerly awaiting. All’s fair in lizard love.  It’s a jungle out there, but hey, the Boys are Back in Town.

Now as Tracy and I migrate to Florida we might get to see alligators engage in the same manner.  I’ll report my scientific data to you then.

Absurd?  You betcha!

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The Voices In Our Heads or Never Mind My Mind

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On Facebook and Twitter I follow a lot of writers hopefully to learn things and have companionship with people of like minds or lack of minds.  You see, when we write stories we place ourselves into someone else and our mind becomes their mind and our characters converse.  Our characters can give us fits and other times they can be shy and quiet, leading to delays in completing our project.  We curse our characters out loud, leaving our spouses to wonder if we are not, in fact, the mutated offspring of Gollum.  You see this is actually a psychological issue known as SGS, or Smeagol Gollum Syndrome.

Today, one of the authors I follow on Facebook commented on her characters and the male lead found his voice. The female character has not yet found her voice. Then another author chimed in started talking about her characters, saying the female might be shy.  I’m shaking my head wondering why the other writer is in inside her head too.  It’s starting to get crowded in this authors mind.  So I interjected some wisdom,

“Don’t trust her, she’s the twin of Sybil”.

Now all of a sudden country western romance novels could get interesting, if other authors get to contribute, and I’m envisioning a whole new genre with book titles like these eye catchers:

  1. “The Exorcism of The Marlboro Man”
  2. “Brokeback Payback Loan Shark Of the High Plains”
  3. “She Wore A True Grit”
  4. “The Lonesome and Not So Lonesome Psychopath”
  5. “Never Mind My Mind Pardner If You Don’t Mind”
  6. “It’s Merely a Flesh Wound Sheriff.  But she’s ripped out your heart!”
  7. “Zombie Rodeo Queen Sweetheart Rides a Tall Saddle”

As you can see we writers are weird. None of the above titles makes any sense, but neither does this crazy world we live in.   Learn to enjoy a moment of weirdness and set your minds free, so others can invade the free and safe space of your mind.

The characters in my mind state they are overworked.  They convince me regularly that writing must be supplemented with a daily wine break.  Ooh look it’s 3:1o to Yuma Cabernet.  Peace out Ya’ll.

Oh never mind my mind.

 

 

#FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay

Alien

Catchy hashtag, eh?

As a writer of both insane humor and satire, and even serious fantasy, you have to get noticed. This means you write about things in current society that have emotive effect, such as a mob of women, dressed in red clothing, pink bunny hats (oh wait, those are post labiaplasty hats), with faces equally red from anger – all directed at you.  This is what I do.  Dave Barry might do so or even Jon Stewart might and everyone would clap with excitement over their comic genius.   This is my attempt, so please leave your pitchforks and axes at home.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Get your inner Rhett Butler on by proclaiming the day after #InternationalWomensDay that you are a self-sufficient man by tweeting #FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamnDay.  This will be immediately responded to by your wife or girlfriend with,

#MakeThatWithoutAWomanEverydayDAY!

or

#MakeYourOwnDinnerAfterYourPS4SafeSpaceDay.

Be careful what you ask for, it may come true.

You see Twitter has become a communication app for tit-for-tat social warfare.  Some of the things I read are horrible, but even when someone attempts sarcasm or satire, your rights to freedom of expression can set off a firestorm.  This is why I blog, no one reads this, so I can spout off anything that crosses my mind to get it permanently off my mind.  Yet, we all need to laugh more, even at ourselves.  We are letting politics control our lives and our dispositions toward our fellow human being.  Many are using hashtags like #Revolt and #Resist.  Try this instead,

#ResistOreosICantICantICant

Lighten up just a little.  Now that the CIA is recording everything we say or do, develop a little sense of humor about it.

#CIA #OMG I just typed #QWERTY by accident and a horde of bug-eyed aliens from the hemorrhoid system have announced their invasion #Revolt  #Resistance

They will see this and immediately block you.  See, I’ve got all the answers.  You can pay me later.

All you have to do is break the CIA’s data storage facilities with at least 50 very silly tweets per day. Get your Monty Python silliness surging to 100% and let it rip.   They’ll think you’re passing secrets in some form of alien re-engineered code and it will drive their decipher analysts bonkers. I’m not saying it’s aliens, but it’s aliens. Better yet, be nice to your fellow human being.  Naw, where’s the fun in that?

I leave you with one final tweet of wisdom to provide all my readers with some comfort.

#LoveThyNeighbor  because tomorrow the #QWERTY #Bugeyed #WeeWeeKiLeaking #HemorrhoidAliens invade. #Resist #Resist #Resist #EatOreos

If you fit into any shape or form of the words I used in the tweet above and are offended, I apologize, especially to the Oreo.

March Sing Along

AShower

You have two choices in life. To cry or laugh. I choose to laugh. We had a little drama during the remodeling of our home here on Kauai so we could sell it.  Let me set the scene.  We order a sink only later to find out it will not fit, leaving exposed edges.  This obviously would have made us look like amateur hillbilly’s, and that’s a hard thing to accomplish. But here on Kauai there’s not a lot of inventory to select from, and the plumber, who is also the owner of a dive company, was already scheduled for diving classes.  This meant we had to go a few days without a sink, which is also connected to the dishwasher.  So this left only one alternative, wash our dishes while we shower, nothing glamorous like singing in the rain. I kid you not.

So what can you do?  You can first curse – which I did, followed by drinking every Mai Tai, Blue Hawaiian, and assorted wines we had in the house – which I did.  You can then cry over your hangover or the woes of the world.  But, I choose to laugh and look at the funny and bright side of life.

With all this in mind, let’s us return to the world of my now famous sing along songs, to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies for added effect.

Let me tell you about a story about a man named Ed,
Who moved to Hawaii so his dreams could be fed.
Then one day while remodeling the sink the contractor said, “this model ain’t going to fit.”
So poor ole Ed slumped and yelled out “I can’t believe this $#%&”.

Curse word that is, rather crude

The next thing you know Ed’s wife is washing from the shower
His wife said, “Ed get this fixed quick or I’m going to get sour.”
He made the mistake of saying, “Hey babe you’re still in paradise”
That’s when she clocked him upside the head with kitchen merchandise.

Lead skillet that is, hard and painful

Well now it’s time to say
Goodbye to Ed and all his remodeling fun,
He told his wife no more homes with potential,
or he’s going to get a gun.
You’re all invited here to share the insanity
As long as you can wash dishes from the bathroom vanity.

Now surely my fellow readers you have some humorous tales of life gone sour.  Shout out.

I’m Back!

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Okay I took some time off to make a living instead of entertaining my followers for free.  After two years on Kauai, it is time to move back to the mainland to find employment in – Florida.  Well, if you can’t have Hawaii, Florida will do just fine.  There’s still plenty of hot humid days and nights to remind me of Hawaii, just no mountains.  As a matter of fact the highest place on Florida is about 240 above sea level.  Must be a landfill.

During my time off from writing I was able to to witness more insanity of the world.  We have a new President who is going to make things… well, very interesting.  We had the election cycle where 16 traditional Republicans couldn’t beat this one guy.  We had a Democrat who was almost upstaged by a socialist and we had email leaks that suggested voters were “unaware and compliant”.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all something new comes along to blow your mind, such as Labiaplasty, read all about it here.  I won’t comment any further on this topic, except to say I think the Russians are up to no good. You decide if we have all lost our minds.

In researching Florida with my wife we discovered there are Alligators, Crocodiles, Pythons, Nile Monitor lizards, and Mosquitoes the size of Pterdactyls. I just kidded with a friend that our goal is still to own acreage and establish a small farm. We’ll section off a bit for tourists so they can see these monsters. In good ole west Texas redneck fashion I’ll call this section “You Bet Yourassic Park” and will be available to all the unaware and  compliant tourist. I discriminate against no one for a fee of $100 (cheaper than Disney).  Although, I do have a small wall that will cost you $10 to scale and enter and another $50 to scale over when I let loose of the creatures of my lagoon.  Hey, I gotta make up for lost revenues living in Hawaii.

We will give Bonita Springs a go, until they kick us out because of this blog.  At least I will have one thing in common with a vast majority of people there, I’m AARP eligible or a current member, which means buffet’s have a 10% discount.  So now after two years of trying to learn the Hawaiian language in vain, I can switch to speaking Spanish.  This I have some actual experience with living most of my life in Texas.  Here’s just a sample:

“Hey you, hurry up with that Mai Tai – Sus Muy Urgente!”

But if I choose to look like a foreign tourist I can fake my language with a combination of French Hawaiian German Japanese when ordering food.

“Mahalo nui loa arigatou gozaimasu actung humumunukukuapua’a s’il vous plait.”  When they ask what the hell I was saying, I’ll just translate for them,

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll have the reef trigger fish please.”

I’m sure you have all missed me, wondering if I have committed harakiri or was just plain committed.

Well, I’m back.

 

 

Babble On

PuffyLips

 

Do you recall the story of Babylon?  You know the time God dispersed mankind into different parts of the world with different languages, so that we could not communicate.  Do you ever fear that has happened again?

First let me say I am an old fart.  Almost 57, purely anthropology material.  I find myself struggling to keep up with the world of communication.  Case in point, some one stated the other day in a post on Facebook,

“How cray cray is that?”

In my world of experience, a Cray is a supercomputer, so when referenced twice this is  a very powerful supercomputer – to the second power, as Cray2.  Now that is cool.

I was wrong, it means “Crazy”, they just drop off the “z” to create a whole new word.  That’s just plain “nut”, I purposely left off the “s” so I could fit into the cool crowd.  It didn’t work, someone posted back, “You cray cray old fart.” Sigh…

You see what I mean?  It was bad enough to try to survive the valley girl days of the 80’s and Disco lingo of the 70’s.  Now I have three decades of hip hop billy bob country western pop to catch up on. How Cray is that?

We have country people turning pop, pop turning country, hip hop remaining hip hop, bop doing hip bop, and old farts doing the hip socket replacement bop.  STOP – STOP – STOP!!!

Every day I read of an actor or singer of my generation who has passed and it makes me melancholy to some extent, that’s because I understood them.When Marvin Gaye sang, “Let’s get it on”, there was no deciphering of the language.  It meant what everyone thought what it meant.  Nowadays you get lyrics like this,

“Let’s get cray cray with your bedazzled vjayjay.”

I had to ask my wife what in the creation of the universe was a a vjayjay.  She explained it to me.  I was dumbfounded, babble on is back in black.  I suppose this is code so that parents can’t filter teens music.  Luckily I am an anthropology specimen who no longer has to worry about teen code.  My son and daughter thought they were masters with “Myspace” to keep me in the dark. It didn’t work however, how cray cray is that?  Hey, I’m getting the hang of this.  Now they are adults with children, and they have to figure out what the next babble on code will be.

I miss the simple days, with only a few television stations of wholesome programming that didn’t require a Phd in HipHopstery to understand or taking sides over which was the dominant movie of the week like Stars Wars vs Avatar.  Talk about cray cray.

So, to leave you with something of importance I have decided to provide one of my trademarked sing alongs to brighten your day, sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies:

Well let me tell you about a story of man named Ed,
A poor old fart who couldn’t keep trends in his head,
but then one day when blogging with some fools,
He went cray cray trying to understand this drool.

Babble on, culture shock, sheeple rule

Well the first thing you know, people told him to get out of there
The babble on crowd are probably blogging in their underwear.
Said, Kauai is the place you need to be,
So he loaded up his family and moved to Lihue.

Beaches, forests, all Kardashian free.

Well now it’s time to say adios to Ed and all his kind,
I’d like to remind you, you all have lost your mind,
You’re not invited to  this locality,
Cuz I don’t need your cray cray mentality.
Yo post a comment now, yo yo hear!

Be sure to give our sponsor – hippiehootnanny.com a call when visiting Kauai.  When you are a Hippie and don’t give a hoot nanny about your lodging accommodations, hippiehootnanny.com fits perfectly those lack of needs.  Remember, hippiehootnanny.com, that’s hippiehootnanny.com.

 

 

Last Blog Entry of 2015

Aswell1

 

Well, 2015 wasn’t my greatest year for writing here on the most fabulous blog of the world (I had readers from 71 countries).  I blame it on living on the island of Kauai since May.  You see here we have gorgeous days and nights with endless flowing Mai Tai’s – ahhhh paradise!  The biggest problem living on Kauai is that you have to be innovative at generating revenue to STAY on Kauai.  This is where I decided to rent out my two spare bedrooms under the fine B&B trademark HippieHootNanny.com

HootNanny

 

You see, I spare no expense for anyone who wants to come enjoy Kauai.  All you have to do is want to live like a hippy and not give a hoot nanny.  Let your dreadlocks flow and have your hitchhiking thumb ready to take you places. We, the management, will give you plenty of amenities such as a floor and yoga mat to sleep on and a fully convertible ironing board/desk.  We care about you and your simple hippy needs.

Hootnanny2

We must warn you however that you might discover you are allergic to Mango and will swell up and itch like a hound dog from Arkansas. That goes for unprocessed Cashews and about 1,000 other varieties of tropical plants and fruits. Medical Marijuana has just been made legal, so you might just wish to swell up.

So if Kauai is on your mind for 2016 and you want to channel that inner hippy in you, call 1-800-HIP-HOOT.  That’s hippiehootnanny.com, yes, that’s hippiehootnanny.com (wink).

Now I must get busy on 2016 resolutions, my top ten are:

  1. Add toilet seat to guest bathroom.
  2. Tie dye the carpet.
  3. Finish bamboo Buddha sculpture.
  4. Complete the rum still.
  5. Scrub 2015’s red dirt off feet.
  6. Take a bath at Hanalei
  7. Erect peace symbol sign so people can easily locate us.
  8. Learn to pronounce Poipu
  9. Pay my lovely property manager a salary for 2015.
  10. Write more awesome posts.

hau’oli makakiki hou (Happy Hippy New Year!)