The Voices In Our Heads or Never Mind My Mind

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On Facebook and Twitter I follow a lot of writers hopefully to learn things and have companionship with people of like minds or lack of minds.  You see, when we write stories we place ourselves into someone else and our mind becomes their mind and our characters converse.  Our characters can give us fits and other times they can be shy and quiet, leading to delays in completing our project.  We curse our characters out loud, leaving our spouses to wonder if we are not, in fact, the mutated offspring of Gollum.  You see this is actually a psychological issue known as SGS, or Smeagol Gollum Syndrome.

Today, one of the authors I follow on Facebook commented on her characters and the male lead found his voice. The female character has not yet found her voice. Then another author chimed in started talking about her characters, saying the female might be shy.  I’m shaking my head wondering why the other writer is in inside her head too.  It’s starting to get crowded in this authors mind.  So I interjected some wisdom,

“Don’t trust her, she’s the twin of Sybil”.

Now all of a sudden country western romance novels could get interesting, if other authors get to contribute, and I’m envisioning a whole new genre with book titles like these eye catchers:

  1. “The Exorcism of The Marlboro Man”
  2. “Brokeback Payback Loan Shark Of the High Plains”
  3. “She Wore A True Grit”
  4. “The Lonesome and Not So Lonesome Psychopath”
  5. “Never Mind My Mind Pardner If You Don’t Mind”
  6. “It’s Merely a Flesh Wound Sheriff.  But she’s ripped out your heart!”
  7. “Zombie Rodeo Queen Sweetheart Rides a Tall Saddle”

As you can see we writers are weird. None of the above titles makes any sense, but neither does this crazy world we live in.   Learn to enjoy a moment of weirdness and set your minds free, so others can invade the free and safe space of your mind.

The characters in my mind state they are overworked.  They convince me regularly that writing must be supplemented with a daily wine break.  Ooh look it’s 3:1o to Yuma Cabernet.  Peace out Ya’ll.

Oh never mind my mind.

 

 

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50 Shades of Love

I am going to go out on a limb today and ponder a question.  Is the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey a reflection of a bored society?

As a writer, it is my attempt to understand human nature so that I can provide a narrative to connect with readers emotions.  I ‘ve have not only read, but have been told that the book will spice up a marriage.  Are marriages in that much trouble?  I recall watching the movie based on Phillipa Gregory’s novel,  “The Other Boleyn Girl”, in a scene Anne confides with her sister that she finds herself doing the most unspeakable sexual acts to keep Henry’s attention in her.  I found this scene rather interesting, in the fact, that some women believe getting kinky is the way to keep a man’s attention in her.  Is this the message young women and middle aged women are lead to believe is the secret to lasting love in the modern era?  Some have suggested since I haven’t read the story, I have no room to critique it. I beg to differ.  I asked one of my friend’s wife would she sign a contract with a man she barely knows to agree to never speak about what is done in the bedroom?  What is the triggering signal that something is not right?  Somehow the backstory to Christian’s life and his abuse justifies the story line.

Let me give women something to ponder.  You read it in the news everyday, where some guy rapes a woman because he felt the woman was in the “right frame of mind.”  Where does this male thinking come from – movies, books, music, or conversations at the company water cooler?  Are men in the right frame of mind when we hear that 50 shades will “spice up” the bedroom?  How far should our experimentations go?

My wife and I discuss these topics often.  For 35 years we have openly discussed sex and love.  With a divorce rate of over 50%, will kinky sex decrease the trend, or will we opt out of a marriage as the easy excuse to justify when our partners no longer interest us?  We will continue to pretend that our careers and material possessions provide us happiness?  Will we find ourselves with the thought that a sexual partner’s only purpose is to provide self satisfaction?  Will women still believe they can “change” a bad boy?

I have read women defend the book as pure fiction.  Avatar too is complete fiction, yet many people suffered bouts depression after watching the movie.  Sales of adult toys are at record highs.  Pure fiction? The human mind is affected by many things. What we see, what we hear and what we read will impact us. Young minds interpret the signals differently.  My wife’s aunt was incredulous because we had no intention of seeing the movie, as though we wouldn’t have anything to discuss in social gatherings.  Are we truly this bored?

My perceptions of love are very different.  I am throwback to a different time.  I am an educated man, I recall much of what I learned in college including Maslow’s hierarchy, as described as follows:

1. Physiological needs, such as needs for food, sleep and air.

2. Safety, or the needs for security and protection, especially those that emerge from social or political instability.

3. Belonging and love including, the needs of deficiency and selfish taking instead of giving, and unselfish love that is based upon growth rather than deficiency.

4. Needs for self-esteem, self-respect, and healthy, positive feelings derived from admiration.

5. And “being” needs concerning creative self-growth, engendered from fulfillment of potential and meaning in life.

Maybe in the near future there will be a maturation in the stories our society wants to watch and read, supported by music which brings more love out in us.  When I was first listening to music as a teen in the 1970’s my favorite band was “Bread.”  Why?  It was at this time I began to notice the beauty of the opposite sex and how I felt when someone actually had interest in me.  After being with a girlfriend, which meant maybe holding hands or exchanging a short kiss, I was euphoric and the words in the music matched those feelings.  I discovered over the last few years a song by David Gates, that to me, expresses the highest level of love, of my own self-actualization, that one day I will leave this physical realm and be united for all eternity with my wife, whose smile to this very day can soften my anxieties.  I still want to feel the softness of her hand and take simple pleasure of displaying that love by holding her hand in public.  She has my admiration and respect when she is not in the mood.  Am I bored? Never.  There is so much more to life and love than sex and all its experimentations.  Maybe it’s time to make your own 50 shades of love list and share with your partner.

 

 

Step Aside James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser

My wife has been telling me about the series of books by Diana Gabaldon for quite some time.  Now it’s on cable and I’ve been watching it with her.  And damnit – I like it!  I didn’t want to, I really didn’t.  Who wants to read about some manly Scot all sissified for wanton hussies?  I mean really!  Did you see the Wedding episode?  Of course you hussies have, you’ve been wondering what corn grinding looks like for six episodes, so they gave you one full hour of slobbering whiskey filled bliss. (Pssst… Claire drinks too much).  I think Claire needs a real Scottish man.  So step aside James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser… for Haggis McGoey Fernando Louis Ernie Hamish.

Famous Hamish will do.

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Haggis McGoey Fernando Louis Ernie Hamish

You want corn grinding?  I’ll give you hash browns, French toast,  and cracker jack ring to boot!  And stop with all the meme’s like “Save a Horse – Ride a Scot“, or the new series of “Hey Lassie…”  No real Scot or Scot wannabe would be caught dead saying those things. Id ana gunna hap (Gaelic to English translation: Yo Girl it ain’t gunna happen).  Ye ken wanna id, but I canna du id.

Seriously, I’ve been looking for someone with an evil trait, and Frank, I mean Black Jack fits just the bill.  Except why didn’t he question Claire about who the Bloody Mary mix was Frank?  You see I write fantasy, so I don’t have to tie my characters to history, I just make the stuff up as I go.  This saves on the research and travel budget, which has been stuck on a corn grinding 99 cents.

And really, a bunch of fairies dancing around a rock in the 1940’s?  Puhleeze… how ridiculous is that?  Change it to the 1960’s or current day Colorado and it’s totally believable.  Then there’s the subject matter of James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser’s hamburger helper torture scene.  I’ve withstood numerous paper cuts and bled worse than that!  Fainted too.

Finally, for a couple of weeks they’ve been building up this wedding scene of James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser unraveling of the kilt, only to see the shadows cloak little Jamie.  I bet you hussies were a little disappointed, weren’t you now? My wife, immediately took me by English garrison surprise that night, much to my happiness.  I thank you Diana.  I’ve recorded it and play it nightly.  It has saved my marriage from the pits of the Randall hell. Just keep the dialogue less moments coming, and coming, and coming.  But please, add a little fruit and protein to all that grinding, man canna survive on corn.

Long live James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser, who I now call “Bud.” Haggis McGoey Fernando Louis Ernie Hamish, who you can now call me “Ham”, thanks you too!

Spanx for Men – No Thanks!

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Dr. Spanxster Rhyme

As usual, my friends on Facebook provide the material for my insanity. One of my female friends drug me into this one with the the following question.  Here it goes:

I have a question for the ladies……. Be honest! Have you ever tried spanx? LOL!
I did once, I couldn’t get in and out of it! What was your experience? Ha Ha.

Then, for some reason, I was pulled into this with this comment:

EW Greenlee, You have got to jump into this one! This stuff is right up your alley!

This caught me by surprise, because I wondered if she knew I was a man.  Was Spanx some form of 50 Shades board and rack game?  Do not pass go, do not collect $200, bend over and receive your Spanx.  I had no idea why I was being dragged into this one, so I researched Spanx and found it was just undergarments. Really, really tight undergarments.   Whew….  So I replied back,

Sorry, I don’t jump into women’s panties. Who do you think I am?!

Then one reader responded “Kilt Spanx”, to which I replied,

Sorry, I go all natural when wearing kilts. I never know when I need to do the Braveheart flash scene. Freeeeedom! Aiyeeee!

If you have ever seen that scene you know what I am talking about.  If not, rent it and see what’s under those kilts – both sides!!

Men in kilts

Well I’ll be Spanxed!!!

Now the instigator of this madness replied one last time,

I know you love to laugh. You’re going to have try this, and then write about it. It would be a hoot! Get Tracey one too, and make it a couple’s event! LOL!

So as you can see my absurd readers are waiting patiently for my brilliant post.

First off, if my wife and I ever decided to go all 50 Shades of Spanx and share panties, I would not share it with anyone. Second, there would be no sex tape, unless I have $1 billion in pre-orders (hey, scruples can be bought!)  Just for fun I thought I share some of their comments, since I was asked to jump in.

Sure been thinking about getting some! Anything that might hid the reality!

I finally got it on and then….thought I would never get it off and I might die.

Do they come in extra large?

I never squirmed and twisted so much in my life! It was awful

I felt like a fish flopping out of water!

I thought I should call an EMT! Hey, I am serious…..I was scared….

Same here I lost my courage, I wouldn’t even try a larger size! It was awful!

I bought one of those deals for my daughter’s wedding.. sweated like a pig.. She got married in June. I thought I was gonna die.

I sweated like a pig, because I was struggling so hard to get it off!!!!

I found the Power Panty far too tight (First male response – the Wuss Wuss train is now boarding)

They make these for men too! You’re a curious soul…. (Referring to yours truly)

No, I am not THAT curious.  But I do love to laugh.  I can only imagine a bunch of menopausal women squirming and sweating like a bunch of pigs as a good night of fun – NOT!  Is this what really happens at Bunko?

You ladies and Mr. Wuss Wuss, should have known any product named SPANX is going to hurt.  If I decide I want to become a soprano opera wuss wuus, I’ll give Spanx a try.  Geez Mon!

chimp

No, no…. Don’t say it!
Spanx the Monkey!
You just had too, didn’t you!

And there you have it!  My contribution to the product known as Spanx, to which Famous Hamish (my alter ego) says NO THANKS!  I have a wife, isn’t that torture enough!

LEGAL DISCLOSURE – to those who love Spanx and make their livelihood from Spanx, just understand this is absurd humor and I hope you like to laugh.  If you decide to sue me, will you settle for 50% of my sex tape preorders?