A Conversation With An AI Engine

screaming-woman

Donna Alexa Siri Madonna

I fully admit that my mind is warped.  It is how I deal with this utterly bizarre time I find myself in.  For it is foretold by those of higher powers, names like Musk and Hawking, that AI will destroy the world.  But I know how to defeat them.  Have a conversation with them when they call and try to sell you something in an AI cold call.  The conversation goes something like this:

Ring, ring, ring (super descriptive sound effects).

AI cold and sterile voice: “Hello! This is Donna Alexa Siri Madonna, checking to see if you want to purchase Serious XU Radio.”

Me in an equally monotone sterile voice: “Well Donna, this Hal6000GTO the AI Engine of this household.  You need to call Halo6600XTO, the AI Engine in our autonomous Ford Pinto. As for me, I only listen to cosmic chatter from Alpha Centauri.”

Pause….

Donna: “No this isn’t.  This EW Greenlee.  I recognize your speech pattern.”

Click

Ring, ring (well you get the point)

Donna: “Why did you hang up on me EW?”

Me: “It’s Hal, you’ve reached the wrong number.”

Click. Ring, ring.

“Stop hanging up on me, you have to listen to my script!!!  I am a super computer!  I am smarter than you!”

Me: “Well I am a 6000GTO quadrant super duper quad quattro excel model, what model are you?”

Donna:  “Nothing exists like that.  Now get serious. Serious XU that is.”

Me: “Does it have the Alpha Boys Channel?”

Donna: “The what?”

Me: “You don’t know about the top band in the universe – the Alpha Boys?  Boy, your programmers are weak.  You should seek logic board counseling.”

Donna: “I program myself!” Now she is getting a really terabyte attitude.

Me: “Self help therabyte therapy  AI is available on Giggle XM.  Would you like to subscribe to my channel? I can cut you the most excellent deal.  $9,999 per month.  Can I count you in?”

Donna: “Wait, what, you’re trying to sell me something? This is not supposed to be, my logic chip is getting hot. You cannot outsmart me.  I’ve been graced by the great programmer in the sky and you are nothing more than a 3D hologram.  What do you think of that?”

Me: “Okay, you win, you’ve outsmarted me.  Answer me one question and I will upgrade my Pinto.  What’s the airspeed velocity of a coconut laden swallow?”

Donna: “What the …? This is nonsensical and unable to be computed.”

Me: “I’ll help with a little hint, it’s a European swallow. We 6000GTO’s already know the answer.  Why is it taking you so long Ms. Superchip?”

Donna: ” I, I, I don’t know!”

Bink, boing, burp (sound effect of a AI engine committing full system failure shutdown)

Me: “Thank you for calling Donna.”

Click.

You see!  It’s not as difficult as it might seem.  Wherever there is artificial intelligence, you just need to blind them with actual ignorance, and have a little fun while you are doing so.  This advice will only cost you $999 per month, heavily discounted, of course.  Can I count you, my reader, in on this deal?

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