Sometimes I lie awake in the early morning hours and just think. Sometimes the thoughts are deep and many times, well, like this one, not so profound. Why do they call it “Menopause?” Do men get a pause from women or women get a pause from men? As I said, this is not one of my more profound thoughts, but stick with me on this, because I’m about to set a new trend in the use of words or the homicide rate in married households, it depends on your perspective and hormone levels.
The following ten words have been added to the Man Club 2015 edition of manly, man rules:
- Naggopause – that very brief period of time when a wife actually allows you some peace. It is also synonymous with the next word.
- Nanopause – the length of time lapsed in an naggopause, indiscernible to anyone even armed with a nanosecond stop watch.
- Choreopause – that period where your honey-dos are given a rest, usually comprising of two nanopauses.
- Sexopause – for men married more than seven years, this is the length of seven years to the third power, times 2 (for those not good with math, that’s 12 centuries).
- Viagraopause – That period after sexopause ends and jumper cables no longer work to revive certain physiological functions.
- Greyopause – hopefully that period when you never hear anyone talk about the story, ever again, unless it ends the sexopause, only backed by a contract signed, witnessed and fully enforceable in a court of law.
- Spendopause – a word, even though completely contrived from thin air resonates with the opposite sex, like “fetch” does for a black lab.
- Saveopause – a word, even though completely contrived from thin air will not register with the opposite sex.
- Coldfeetopause – that period where your wife is in menopause that you get relief from cold winter feet placed near a certain obvious heat retaining male organ.
- Beardopause – that moment when the love of your life has a better beard than you and wants to borrow your grooming gear. Egads!
And there have it, ten words you can now add to your daily conversations with your wife, such as:
“Honey would you empty the trash?” says the lovely lady.
“Geez babe, can I have a few nanaopauses here? Your naggopauses and my choreopauses are getting shorter and shorter!”
Later that evening as you cuddle (their word, not ours) up to that same lovely woman…
“Hey babe, is the sexopause over?”
As she turns to you with the look of murder in her eyes, she so lovingly replies,
“I’ve decided to extend the sexopause for a milleniumopause.”
Oh crap!!! Appears the female code was also updated. Now you are ready for menopause. That period you wish you weren’t a man, just a mere boy with his bucket of plastic army men playing in your parents backyard and girls were something to throw dirt clods at. Sigh…