As I may have mentioned, some of my humor material comes from Facebook comments. This month’s commentary has to do with outwitting our lovely wives, because it’s also the month of Valentines, where they expect perishable items such as roses, wine, and chocolate. Or they may want dream items like a Porsche, diamonds or Maui Beachfront property. To head off our wives and have them completely forget Valentines we men have to outwit them and confuse their already confused and mutated genetic code.
One of my friends stated her husband commented while she was cleaning the kitchen, “Gee, you look sexy doing that.”
For which she shared,“there isn’t a woman in the world who would fall for that line.” But she stopped giggling as the thought crossed her mind, “Great! Now I’ll never want to hire a housekeeper!”
That my male friends is brilliant!!! It is called Reverse Wife Psychology. Somewhere in that mish-mash of female genetic code is a line of instruction to never share their man with anyone who might steal their compliment. Brilliant! BRilliant! BRILLIANT!
Now another female commented on how women want flowers. Why? Men don’t get to share in joy of the flowers. They sit there and whither and then someone has to vacuum those affectionate (dozen times 100) dried petals before my Golden Retriever retrieves them to her gut and hurls regurgitated rose petals all around the room. How romantic! So when my wife decides to vacuum or scoop up a Golden’s hurling, I’m going to mention “You look so sexy doing that!” I’ll see how well it works for me.
This year, instead of giving my wife flowers, I gave her my buns!
What woman doesn’t want her husbands buns? Their always saying they want bun buns, or is that bon bons? I digress. I convinced my wife that getting a hold of my buns was the ultimate Valentine’s gift. They are hot, plump, toasty and very scrumptious. And if she plays her cards right, the frosting will be sweet and decadent. Grrrr…
Then it dawned on me, if she was willing to share my buns with the world, she could have that Porsche, diamonds and Maui Beachfront property if we just opened a series of franchise stores to compete with Cinnabon, called
Get Your Hands On My Buns!
That’s right! Franchises are starting now. We package two buns per bun shaped box. Let me tell you about the special buns just waiting for you:
- Cardashashian Buns – Extra plump and popular – although we have no idea why. Some kind of wind out of the North West I suppose.
- Paree Hilton Buns – just like the Cardashashian buns, except not as plump, yet no less popular.
- Pour Your Sugar on My Buns – comes with an 80’s rock star wig and red leather Deaf Leopard pants.
- Well Slap My Buns – complete with extra sweet southern fried glaze on the side. Just slap on as much as you want. Only 8,000 calories.
- I Can’t Believe These Buns – think big momma buns with nuts, fruit, BBQ ribs and a 10 gallon bucket of oozing glaze.
And this is only the beginning. My wife will be so busy raking in the dough on my buns, she’ll never remember our anniversary, her birthday, or that pesky little arrow flinging kid with wings that likes to infect women’s desires on that day called Valentine’s. BTW, if you read history, the day was created to martyr Saint Valentine who wrote a letter bidding farewell. So if you don’t get a Valentine’s gift for your wife, I hope you are up on perfectly well-written farewell letters, or expect to be martyred, or find a diversion.
So hurry and pay me the franchise fee and I’ll throw in my best-selling self help book, Reverse Wife Psychology, a $19.99 value absolutely free, FRee, FREEEEE……. What a bargain.
However we are still editing the Female Code book for men. Be patient, like until the next millennium.