Female Code – October 2013 Edition (Doing the Dishes)

Football Season - Again???

You call THAT doing the dishes?!

I interjected my thoughts to one of my friends on Facebook,  whose post described an event 13 years ago about his lack of understanding what a woman’s definition of “doing the dishes!” is, is.  He was then besieged by his wife and mother-in-law.  I came to his rescue, well, sort of.  Let me set the stage, 35 years ago I was a dishwasher in an airport restaurant.  I had my area, which had to remain spotless, even though 90% of it had nothing to do with dishes. So why didn’t I get the title of V.P. of Washing Area? I want the recognition for my resume. I digress as usual.

I know what cleaning the dishes truly means and my wife is happy that I do.  Besides doing the dishes gets me out of housework, which is still being defined after 33 years of blissful marital siege.  My friend’s wife is a family counselor, so he goes to her for counseling on the meanings of female code and communications.  For example, take out the trash means check every garbage can in the house, not just the one that is full, and subject of the main reference.  Now this isn’t very objective.  You can’t go to your wife for therapy sessions, you’d be doubly dazed and confused.

I offered to support him, until his wife frowned, then I’d run for the hills.  He thanked me for my lack of support.  I merely explained to him that women are like the Tasmanian Devil, in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.  Creatures that spin around with razor sharp talons in a debris filled tornado, complete with unrecognizable speech and gratuitous spitting.  See here for yourself, actual video footage of a wife critiquing her husband’s washing of the dishes,

Bang on, isn’t it?!

He then said he would join me in running for the hills.  I reminded him that the true origin of the Marathon was not of a messenger, but of a husband who just couldn’t get his wife’s “doing the dishes wishes” correctly.  The nearest hills were 27 miles away and thus the Marathon race was created, follow by thousands of years and millions of husbands joining to create the Olympic event and other city events.  Then the wives, ever doubting our claims, decided to tag along and nag us (marital support)  on to the finish line.

After 67 comments by various people, his wife tried to convince us we all needed therapy. Her code of therapy and her mother would assist as co-counselor and code enforcer.  I think it was a scam to increase business.  But to help my friend, here is the advice of a true man with dish washing expertise.

50ShadesOfSoapSuds

That will be $300 – thank you.

Oh and here is the female code definition of “Doing the Dishes”:

Clear off the table first.  Any crumbs that hit the ground you must sweep, then mop.  Take linen place mats and napkins to cleaners.  Scrub the dishes first so that the machine is used solely for disinfection.  Do not eat any leftovers on the plates, ewwww.  Wipe off the counter tops, sweep and mop the floor. Disinfect twice to kill all germs and light scented candles.  Bring her a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a cappuccino.

One day before I die, I’m going to tell my wife to mow the yard.  Wait till she finds out what I really do.  So guys and gals, what have I missed?  Sound off.

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