Today, I started a Facebook post to see if anyone truly reads my posts, including this one. I’ve been writing humor posts for over two years now and I am beginning to think no one likes my sense of humor. Well, that’s tough! Because I have to write, even if it kills me like eventually getting to Hawaii. Let me set the stage.
I posted that after 30 years of saving for Hawaii my wife and I now have enough to afford the cardboard box we said we would live in if we could just get there. One of my loyal reading friends chimed in immediately:
“Get a duplex cardboard box and I’ll move with you!”
Now cardboard walls are very thin, so I asked if she snored and could afford the $10 per month rent fee.
She said cardboard box rentals should be no more than $1 per month. It’s all professional beach bums and bimbos could afford. (As an author you have to embellish the story). I stated there was a $9 carrying charge included in the rent. This covers me carrying the duplex to the next location so we don’t get detected, evicted and deported back to Okalahomala. She said she’d settle for $5. I accepted, and told her I would have gone as low as $two-fiddy. But, I am an accountant, bean counter, shell counter or whatever you wish to call me. Haggling Hamish is my middle name.
Now her mother chimed in and said if she could take her whole family she’d do it in a heartbeat. I replied that I was moving to get away from family. She thought that was horrible of me and said she had to be near her family. So I researched the actual distance from Oklahoma City to Honolulu. Turns out it is 3,742 miles. For me, that’s close enough to maintain a healthy family relationship.
Then as I read on, the distance is 4,802 miles by car. BY CAR?! I KID YOU NOT. Look here:
What kind of car can make it to Hawaii from Oklahoma? I have a 2007 GMC Yukon, which I am sure cannot withstand ten thousand foot deep water or millions of pounds of pressure per square inch. And why 1,100 extra miles? Is there a construction detour at the Marianna Trench? But hey, “adventure” is my middle name (Carlos Danger was already taken), so if they have a map, I’m game. And it only takes 15 days.
To fund my relocation efforts I need to crowd fund my trip. So I got one friend to invest a dime, then later a quarter he found in the bottom of his kitty litter box (embellished for sensory stimulation). Great! Now all I need is just 10,000,000,000,000,000.50 more friends crowding me with a quarter. You will help right?
Crossing the Pacific in my GMC Yukon brings up a thought for an excellent story, “Life of EW”
“I was stranded in the middle of the pacific on a floating GMC Yukon. In the backseat, I discovered a blood thirsty Golden Retriever and Tammy Francis the stowaway. We sacrificed Tammy to the Golden and gave thanks to Poseidon. After many days adrift, we landed on Maui with nothing more than a duplex cardboard box. Much to my surprise Andy Wilson was already there, half snockered from Mai Tai’s. As I pulled myself from the sands, Andy asked, ‘Where did you come from stranger?’
I looked at him incredulously. “Okalahomala you fool! Can’t ye tell by me furrin accent? Ye ain’t stoopid are ye?” Then the Golden, who never obeyed and never retrieved a single thing since we rescued her, walked away into the jungle .
Excerpt from “Life of EW” You’d buy it, right? It’s engrossing and grossly grossing at the same time, overly ripe for a major motion picture by Ang Lee.
Well, that’s all the brilliant humor I can muster for this day, unless someone has the mileage to Mars via a 1942 Studebaker. But being the brilliant enterprising fellow that I am; I am loading my duplex, my tartan, some fresh haggis and a hammock just in case. Because my other middle name is “Famous Hamish” and being the hottie scottie of the Hawaiian highlands is my game. Besides, I can’t wait to tell the stories of me holding my large Humuhumunukunukuapua’a. (It’s a fish folks – a fish!)
Now please reply, or click “like”, so that I know I am not alone on my journey to get to Hawaii and form a cardboard condominium complicated complex community.
Keep Laughing my friends!