Men, you’ve been through this before. Your girlfriend, fiancee or wife has just returned from shopping and she wants to tell you about the bargains she found and how much money she saved. Be prepared – it’s going to hurt.
In this month’s Female Code episode, I gave you an educational background of the real story of Adam and Eve – “The Married without Children Era.” There in episode 666, Eve turns 54 and enters menopause in the heat of July, yet there are no men and there certainly is no pausing, so whose brilliant idea was it to call it menopause, maybe menomurder is more apropos. So now it’s just you and your non-stop jibber-jabber soul mate from hell! Somewhere in the female code there is no gene for logic or rational. I shall prove my point.
“Honey, Honey… I just saved you big bucks on this new Coach bag,” says your loving succubo.
Succubo – not to be confused with a succubus, which is cool and sexy, but a succubo – an evil female demon vampire that bleeds your wallet, a turnip and the federal reserve dry.
“Great, enough for me to go golfing tomorrow?”
“Huh?” asks your sweet little succubo with a look like you are a total idiot.
“Savings – like the one at the bank where we place money into!”
“That’s not savings – that’s hoarding!!! Savings is where you spend far less than retail!”
And so goes the debate with that sweet little snookums of a succubo you married, as she shows you the contents of her sixteen shopping bags from Prada, Coach, Calvin Recliner, Che Tre Le Vue, Coldwater Creek and Paddle, Diane Von Iceberg, Tahari Mahari Mai Tai, and Victoria’s Sucrets. Which begs to ask the question, how is it women can find energy to carry all of this, but not one little bag of groceries. My wife, when she arrives home from grocery shopping, honks her horn for me to serve her. Carrying the bags – now don’t get carried away!
Logic and reason, this is where you just lost the argument and it can never be won. Savings and shopping are not synonyms. It is the one section of the Man Club Manly Manual I hate to refer you to:
Section 666 – Utter Defeat
In those rare instances where you attempt to apply logic, stop, for god’s sake STOP. You will not win, you will lose, and you will have a splitting headache to boot. To survive the seven deadly sins you must have the virtue of patience, be deaf from cranking up old 70’s and 80’s rock songs, and play golf – whether you suck at the game or not. You must also learn nod in agreement.
There you have it men, wisdom in as few as words as possible. That’s because we men are brief, to the point and can find a solution to everything, except personal finance, which is the “Bane of our Lives” – a new daytime soap and antacid opera. You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to nod.