Cougar Boot Camp

I read a lot, mostly financial news, but I glance at articles regarding the trends of society.  I am an independent and worldly thinker, I read liberal and conservative news sources, as well as foreign sources.  It was yesterday I read this on Fox News, which some of you will immediately think I am right wing nutcase. That’s your choice, I just want both sides of the opinion camps before I apply logic and reason to make up my mind.  Sometimes you find the most interesting articles, such as this one.

Top 10 Cougar Resorts

We would send our golden retriever to a pet resort when we traveled, but how does one corral a cougar to get to the animal resort?  Being an extremely curious person I read on.  Boy was I uninformed!  All of a sudden, I felt as though I had been released from a medieval prison to see the first light of modern era, the renaissance of absurdity.  I had no idea men eating women existed!  The article says women don’t take young men to the resorts, they prefer to flirt and hit on the resort staff, especially tennis and golf coaches.

Hmm…

Having the devious mind of writer and a robber baron, I am beginning to see the financial possibilities of a Cougar Boot Camp.

For $2,000 you can spend a weekend at Big Bollock’s Bobby’s Cougar Boot Camp.  That’s right, but this isn’t for the cougars, but for young men who want desperately to be cougar meat – a slab of mouth watering affluent confident woman spare ribs.  You can have it all!  There’s nothing that says “Modern Man” like having your very own sugar momma.  Although I thought there was once a similar term, like “gigolo”, but then again I’ve just arrived, a survivor of the Spanish inquisition and I may be mistaken.

Here’s the agenda.

Day 1, Saturday – Attraction Mode:

  1. Pole Stretching – in order to obtain the highest tips, one must have buns tighter than a paper clip of titanium.
  2. Faux Tennis Instructor – by the end of the two hour session, your cougar will be able to leap over the net in a single bound.  Then the real lessons begin!
  3. Faux Golf Lessons – Here you will be taught to assist your cougar with her swing.  If you never leave the tee box from your efforts, you are sweet cougar meat – congratulations!
  4. Waiter in a French Waiter Outfit – You will learn the ancient art of “bend and scoop.”  Sooo wrong on sooo many levels, but hey, if the cougar persists you have no choice.
  5. Cougar Sack Race – use your own imagination, sicko!
  6. 50 Shades Disco Night and Spin the Bottle – hey, you dared to be a cougar hunter, but no one said it would be pain free!  Sorry no refunds.

Now your ready for day 2.

Day 2, Sunday – Survival Mode

  1. Rose Colored Glasses – you will be supplied your very own personal pair of rose colored glasses.  This will ease the pain of the day’s glare and other sights.
  2. Antacid Eating – set the world’s record.  Current record is held by Carlos Javier.
  3. 151 Rum – a compliment to the rose colored glasses. Heed the warning label about exposure to flame and menopausal cougars.
  4. Listening Skills – it’s not about you, it has never been about you, this is the cougar conundrum.
  5. False Accent – nothing kills a cougar like an accent, whether a Scottish knight, a french king, or a Wahabi Bush Medicine Doctor. Be mesmerizing.
  6. False Flattery – to compliment your false accent, should you be asked about your opinion on the cougar’s appearance, you must have the wisdom to utter only complimentary words such as, “Yez madam le cougar, zee ure zee moss beautooful voman in zee univass!”
Hairless

Carlos Fernando “Cougar Killer” Javier
Tums World Record Holder – 3 cases

That’s it!  You are ready to tame the tigress in every affluent single middle aged woman at the resort.  Big Bollocks Bobby is pleased to have guided you in your transformation to modern man.

Absurd?!  Hey, I don’t write the news, I just abuse it. Which brings me to the point where I hit on you, the reader, to buy my newest book, Cougar Zombies in Love – a middle aged wannabe young adult female classic to be. Welcome to the modern adult world.

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