I decided about a month ago to get back into shape one last time in my lifetime and then keep it that way. On June 16th I will turn 54 (gifts welcomed) and getting in shape has become a little harder than I thought. I go to the gym and step on the elliptical trainer and do 15 minutes from hell. I watch the calorie burner and in that time I’ve burned off just one diet soft drink (120 calories). Are you kidding me!! I sweat more than enough to fill a six pack! Next, I journey to the weight machines to try to bring my muscles back off the floor. As I lift 80 pounds, some 100 pound female walks by and sits straight across from me and squats 850 pounds, then prances off giggling. Show off! It is hard to imagine that I was once 135 pounds at high school graduation, worked out and gained 50 pounds of muscle, stopped working out and gained 50 more pounds of flubber rubber. Yet, my chicken legs are as skinny as they were in high school.
But now I have a workout buddy – my wife! Woo hoo! My wife has never truly cared for exercising – period! Even she is seeing the need to exercise. I think it was the AARP membership drive package she received when she turned 50 that was the inspiration. So we decided to invest in exercise mats to do daily stretching, which some call Yoga. I call it Holycrapa! I watched a YouTube video on Yoga and even watching the instructor made my knees crackle and pop. My wife swears I just watch for the instructor. You be the judge.
Now this is definitely not Yoga for Old Farts, as I was hoping, this was Yoga for Martians Pretending to be People. Are you serious? Holycrapa! Then this instructor says, “let’s do it again.” I couldn’t do that once, even when I was a toddler! Watching this alone gave me an instant OMG! (Oh My Groin) moment. Where’s the beginner video of just 1 hour of laying on the floor motionless in meditation, followed by one leg lift? So after actually searching for Yoga for Old Farts, I found what I was looking for.
I can do that! As I was doing this strenuous Yoga exercise, to the right of the video were other suggestions, such as a Gollum and Yoda parody, a soda, and a vodka ad. Soon I found myself more interested in funny videos instead of getting in shape (sigh). It was at that moment the latest AARP membership package arrived offering discounts to new AARP members with ADD, offering a free beginners Yoga class taught by master yogi Yoda Gollum, followed by dinner served with a soda mixed vodka. Okay, these search engines are getting a little too good.
So, hi ho, hi ho, it’s back to the gym I go. But for tonight, me and my workout buddy are going to enjoy a glass of wine. Hey, lifting the bottle, pouring and then curling to sip counts as exercise!!! Well, it does in my world.