Today on Facebook I socialized with a fellow author over a mixer. This author’s mixer died and I commented how only authors can provide narrative to the humanistic sounds an inanimate object can make. I asked if she had given it a name. “Stupid,” was her reply. I replied that I understood her state of mind. For me it’s weed whackers. I had one I bought in the 1980’s from Sears that lasted almost 25 years. It had no warranty, it was just made well, by AMERICANS. Alas, it died and then the next generation of weed whackers came along. They last exactly 366 days, or just one day after the expiration of the warranty. I don’t curse often, but on day 366 I do, loudly and proudly.
Now I always turn down the extended warranty, because it costs as much as the stupid plastic object itself. I freely admit it – I LOVE MY MONEY! I work so very hard for it and yet it parts from me faster than Taylor Swift from her boyfriends. The problem is that manufacturers also love my money and have advised their engineers to make sub-standard products from plastic. You see, if companies are to keep their EPS ratio high and shareholders giddily happy, they need sales, a lot of sales, or revenues from warranties They get you coming and going.
This is why we have a new SmartPhone or a Mini Maxi Tablet every 30 days. Soon the smart phone will have a weed whacker app, that spits out a blade like the car Speed Racer drove in those campy 1970 cartoons (which I admit I watched). The iFunPhone Version 65. It also has a mace app. This way you can blind your attackers first, then go Chainsaw Massacre Mad Max on them next. You see why I love to write? If only I could convince stupid manufacturers of my cutting edge product features and yes, the warranties. My imagination never takes a break.
I suppose I should purchase the extended warranty, but the second I do I am afraid the salesperson will tell me that this extended warranty is good for only 30 days or until the company reaches sales of 30 billion. If they fail to reach their quota the self destruct app will be initiated and your weed whacker, version 6,234,567,892 will explode in a terrifying and agony filled death. So, would you like the extended, extended warranty; good for an additional 30 days? I am sure this is about $300 for a $50 product. Oh, but they aren’t done on the siege of my wallet. This is when they sell me the extended, extended, extended warranty that I can place on extension through October 15th, the very day I will finally get my tax return done and my $1,000 refund, which will cover the warranty. How convenient!
Now since I am an old guy, most probably don’t remember the I Love Lucy episode where Lucy buys a vacuum cleaner, but through the salesmanship of the door to door salesman, she buys attachments valued at more than $1,000. Adjusted for inflation that vacuum cleaner system is now the same as a BMW. As she has to explain to Ricky, she goes into her famous cry, “Waaaaaah!” Today’s products may be stupid, but the clever people at the manufacturers are always looking for ways to separate you from your money and they call themselves iMagineers.
To end this post, I have renamed my whackers, the company, the salespeople, and the shareholders to – Weed Wankers. And as I edge my yard I curse and then I pray the wanker will last to day 367. Yes they are as stupid as the mixer. What product (no company names) riles your gall, even if you don’t know what a gall is?