When You Can’t Breathe, It’s Sexy


There is nothing funny about having allergies and the inability to breathe and sleep.  Lately here in Oklahoma we jump up in temperature and then fall back to cold weather.  Well, mother nature’s cruel humor finally caught up with me.  Today I am fine, but for ten days, I was a wreck.  I believe the mudder had me in her grips like a Panic Pete toy.


That’s right, my eyes were blue and my eardrums fiery red.  I increased the GDP of the USA with my consumption of vitamins, allergy medicine and tissue.  I drank so much water out of the local aquifer,  a sinkhole formed. But what came out of my sinus and chest wasn’t red. I just want to know one thing.  How in the world can the body produce so much disgusting stuff?  You know what I refer to. I don’t even need to speak it. Oh but I will, it’s called sputum.  Oh, you thought I was going to refer to phlegm, mucous, or snot?  Well I could have, but then I would have grossed you out completely.

Some scientists believe there is no true purpose for a sinus.  My sinus is my life’s bane.  Many years ago, I had sinus surgery to correct a deviated septum, clear out a fungus and polyps, and one small VW Beetle. Even I was grossed out what the body was capable of producing.  The doctor placed a tube in my nostril and vacuumed the stuffing out of me.  I was concerned for awhile that part of my brain was extracted by Dr. Hoover. Then I had to rinse with a combination of pickling salt and baking soda in a quart of warm water.  I used a baby syringe to fire the concoction into my sinus.  I was again flabbergasted at how much disgusting stuff could reside in my sinus.  I didn’t have the Mucinex blob up there, I had a metropolitan sized gangsta blobster community up there.

Now you are thinking to yourself, why in the hell is he writing about this absolutely disgusting topic?  Well, I saw a post on Twitter that read something like this,

“Follow @[NameWithheld] for the finest in #zombie #erotica.”

I kid you not!!!!  Well sure, getting it on with a chick whose flesh is falling off is truly erotic – ooh baby! What kind of narrative would an erotic zombie novel contain?

Oh baby, I love when you nibble on my ear and take a chunk out of my chest!

Really?  Have we run out of things that go with sex?  Vampires, Werewolves, an insurance pig, etc, etc. So then it dawned on me, why not a erotic genre dedicated to sexy sinus sufferers?  Just take a couple of Mucinex and GET IT ON!  Why not?

Because it’s disgustingly absurd, that’s why.  Although I may have been sick, the absurd world just keeps on turning.  Now that I am healthy and sputum free, it’s back to my insane ramblings.

Did you miss me?


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