Adventures in Sleep

WifeSnoring

Innocent Wife Asleep

Do you know how hard it is to find an image of a man awakened by a snoring wife?  It’s impossible!  It’s a media conspiracy to make all men look like villains.  Last night was an adventure for sure.  I awoke at 1:30 am for a bladder alarm call, then limped my way back to bed.  I can never go back to sleep immediately.  Some nights I sleep like a rock and a I dream a lot.  Then when I can’t sleep I day-dream, a lot.  This is what I call my “creative” time.  I will think of everything, including, but not limited to:

  1. Sex (You knew that was coming asleep or not)
  2. Popcorn
  3. Epic battles
  4. Spreadsheets (Yes, sick I know)
  5. What time it is
  6. Book characters
  7. Puppies
  8. Sex

I’ll rollover and see that it is now 1:45 am.  So I try real hard to concentrate on sleeping by counting sheep, then my mind opens up a spreadsheet to tabulate the results.  See!  I told you it was sick.  I nodded off and then tried to roll over, but my arm wasn’t coming with me.  I discovered that I had unleashed the mattress cover and had my arm trapped under it.  After untangling myself my ever so lovely wife begins with her snoring.  I nudge her gently so that she will stop and normally she does.  Not this night, just when I was about to fall asleep again she started up again like a Walrus in heat.  This time I nudged her a little more sternly.  She awoke and sat up staring at me.

I told her I was going to make her sleep on the couch like that commercial where the snoring man has to get a plastic 7th grade football mouthpiece that they now call a snoring device.  You throw the plastic into boiling water and then shove it in your mouth to mold around your teeth.  This is nothing new folks, you’ve been had.  I just use duct tape – cheap and no boiling necessary.

Well I finally fell asleep and what do you know, the alarm goes off.  Now I tell my wife what happened and she laughed so hard she snorted, yes snorted.  That’s when I told her she sounded like a Walrus in heat.  Men, if you have a snoring wife, never, ever, refer to her noise as coming from an animal of enormous, gigantic, titanic, or leviathan size.  She will become offended. Why?  I have no idea, I was describing the sound, not the image.

Noaa-walrus22

My Wife

And this is why you can’t find photos of women snoring. They are too sensitive.  It’s not PC.  Notice the lady above how angelic and goddess like they make her out to be?  This is a lie.  No matter how much we men might suffer in the wee hours of the morning, you are supposed to bow down and kiss the goddess feet of your wife.  That’s after she takes those arctic cold flippers, I mean feet, from your warm thighs.

Then there’s the moments where my wife ventures to my side of the king-sized bed.  Why they call it a king bed, I have no idea.  The queen hogs it all.  Uh oh, I just offended her again.  Sometimes I awaken to find six feet on her side unoccupied and my south 40 acres encroached upon with a Walrus mating call to announce the encroachment.  It’s no wonder I’m always tired.  I am convinced this is why God created coffee for man. Why did he create women?  How can I forget, to give us children. Please shoot me now. Oh, the adventures of sleep.

Do you care or dare to share any adventures about your sleep?

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