I read the news to stay current with current affairs and to write redundant sentences, such as this current one. I swear you cannot make this stuff up. It is out of the headlines of our absurd news. This story appeared out of nowhere like a green methane fog.
Flatulent Demons – that’s right! It’s now my newest excuse to use on my wife. It’s the church’s fault that the demon vault has been opened. Beelzebubblebutt is his namo. After reading this I am going to the local church and ask for an exorcism. When my affliction remains, I’ll sue for $10 million. I deserve it right? I mean really, I didn’t win honorable mention in the latest Powerball drawing. I’m entitled to something for my lack of luck in life and high gas pressure content, right? I have a witness to my possession. Late at night the grumblings occur and the sheets quake and my wife calls out in agony,
OMG – are you possessed? What’s inside you? I swear it’s like a lake of sulfur in here burning my eyes!
See!!!! I have indisputable corroborating evidence. Wives never lie! So next time she screams in the darkness, I am going to use a low voice,
This is Beelzebubblebutt, it’s not his fault. Bwahahaha.
She will shake me and I will gently rollover and say, “What?”
There’s a demon in here!
Yes honey I know, I’ve filed motion in the district court against the church. They failed to exorcise my hiney.
Only you can exercise your hiney. I’m not falling for this for a moment, she says.
Not exercise, like at the gym, like a demon exorcism. You know the one’s that make millions at the box office?
Well, that’s not funny, now I have to get out of the warm bed and go to the bathroom, you *$(#)#@@!
Geez, humor is so wasted on a wife. I roll over and then there’s a rumbling, from her side, and a new fog rises, along with the bed. A reddish yellow haze fills the room and I dare take a whiff.
OMG – my eyes, my eyes. What the *$(#)#@@! was that?
Next thing I know my wife is speaking in tongues – with ten tongues. She twirls her head around and spits pea soup at me. In a deep and malevolent voice she says,
“My flatulent demon – Assmodeus. Bwahahaha.”
Touche! I high-five her, we have an other-worldly laugh, and I give her a little golden faux Oscar trophy- Winner of Best Special Effects. There’s nothing worse than a showoff wife! However, when you dare to look on the bright side of life, I now have a class action lawsuit. Oh, the devil made me do it.
What news article have you read lately that just seemed too unreal and so funny that you accidentally passed a demon?