Coffee Chaos – March 2013 Edition (Cupcakes)

Coffee ChaosThe Monthly Journal

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

WARNING – Gratuitous Nudity Below

As you might have figured out this month’s blog posts were dedicated to cupcakes.  Why?  I haven’t a clue, somehow everything I read or heard this month was connected to cupcakes.  Don’t get me wrong, I applaud all the entrepreneurs that are cashing in on these little arts of flour and toppings.  But while I was researching this month’s topics I came across this!

starbucks-cupcakes

Is nothing sacred?  How can one desecrate a coffee cup and turn it into a cupcake cup?  I feel a caffeine induced riot in the making.  Although I never drink anything with toppings, can you imagine all the suckers who went to drink this and got nothing but a mini-me cake in the face? Outrageous!  When I buy coffee anywhere I open the lid to make sure it is nothing but Colombian Supremo dark gold.  No one goes and buys a pair of Levi jeans and then studs it with a variety of ribbons and gems, well, some cupcakes do, but not this plain vanilla guy.  Give me coffee straight, it does not need to be a work of art laced with 18,000 calories and enough sugar to rot my teeth. My dentist is already financially well off without more decay.

I am an investment advisor and I always try to stay abreast of the trends.  Does anyone remember the Easy Bake Oven for little girls?  I think those little girls are now the cupcake moguls of industry.  They were in their bedrooms playing with their Barbies and they had poor Ken, buck naked at the table. I always wondered what the ooh’s and ah’s were when I walked past my sisters bedroom.  Boy were they in for a big surprise.

ken-doll

Buck Naked “Braveheart” Ken

Along comes Corvette Barbie with a giant cupcake. Now Ken, who remains silent is the confronted by 50 Shades Barbie, who has a whipped cream and chain cupcake and tries her best to make him submit to her cupcake. Ken (aka Braveheart Barbie Boy Toy) is still resisting the frosted sugar bombs, when Starbucks Barbie comes along and introduces her coffee cupcake.

BarbieCupcake

Now at this point Braveheart Ken is still resisting the evil cupcakes until the trio begin talking about Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dancing with the Stars, Idol, The Voice, The View, Celebrity Splash, etc.  This was Ken’s breaking point and he screams, “Freeeeeedooooom.”  He shoves all three cupcakes down his throat and collapses. Now poor old Ken is thrown back into the toy box, buck naked and renamed Java The Hut Ken, where he still resides in a sugar induced coma.

Next the lovely Barbie trio from Hell pull out the newest Barbie boy toy – Armando De La Sontoro

ken344

Armando

The point of this rambling is that, well, actually there is no real point other than we seem to go all OCD on certain trends until we get so sick of it we run like lunatics to the next one.  First we girlify coffee, then cupcakes, and now bacon.  Nothing is sacred from these Martha Stewart clones. What happened to the simple world of my youth, where coffee was coffee, cupcakes were cupcakes, bacon was bacon, and hairy chest GI Joe’s smacked down nude Nair treated Ken dolls? We only had 3 TV channels and girls were forced outside to annoy the hell out of boys, hence the reason for 3,000 TV channels.

Chaos abounds everywhere, but only pure Colombian Supremo can bring us back to normalcy. Stay caffeinated my friends.

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